For about 6 weeks after I returned home things were picture
   perfect. He was so kind and good again and we continued counseling,
   I felt maybe my life would be good again finally, for the first 
   time in a very long time I felt hope. 

     But then disaster struck, he lost his job right about the same 
   time I found out I was pregnant. Oh he didn't start hitting me 
   right away, but we were so broke on my small salary and the tension
   began to creep back in. We finally had to leave our apartment as we
   couldn't afford the rent on my income alone and trying to prepare 
   for the baby I was carrying. We moved in with his mother into the
   garage that had been renovated into a room for us so we at least 
   had some privacy. 

     He finally found another job but it was not one he was happy in 
   and his anger began returning in brief flashes here and there and 
   all the while he claimed to be doing so well that he had decide 
   there would be no more counseling. We finally managed to get back
   into our own small apartment but that just served to isolate me 
   more in ways. I thankfully did not have morning sickness with my
   pregnancy for I truly was only finding refuge in my job, it was the
   only place I could "get away". But I ended up feeling sick in the
   evenings and this only served to anger him and begin again the 
   comments about how worthless I was in my life.

     I remember also vividly the moment he first hit me again while I
   was pregnant, and I had such feelings of horror and rage, I had
   never before or since felt such hate towards any one person. I 
   could only curl into as small a ball as my expanding stomach would 
   allow and try to cradle my baby, growing inside me...for I had no
   where to go once again. He had begun to pick my checks up for me so
   he could take them to the bank as he only worked half days on 
   Fridays so I was once again penniless, and so alone.

     He started drinking, amazing isn't it that in all the time before
   he was just mean. Now he was mean and drunk, the violence became 
   worse than I ever imagined it could be. And so we were barely 
   getting by again as all the money now went to alcohol. Thank 
   goodness my work supplied my insurance, at least my baby was taken
   care of in that way. Of course it was hard to explain to the people
   I worked for why I had to miss a few days of work with a stab 
   injury, it just was nothing I could admit to...I was 5 1/2 months
   pregnant and didn't fix the right meal for dinner, so that was my
   punishment, no, just couldn't tell them that.

     It was a month after that when my world came to what at the time
   I wish had been the end. There was a large air show in town and it
   was one of those last fading days of good weather so of course off
   we went for the day. Well at 6 1/2 months pregnant with such warm
   weather it didn't take long for me to become quite tired and that
   was my worst mistake, how I would have walked on for miles if I had
   only known.

     He became enraged at me for spoiling his day. The beating began 
   before we ever reached the apartment and once inside I really began
   to doubt I would survive, but all I could think of was my baby so I
   ran as best I could after all he'd done to me, I'll never know why 
   I slipped that day, whether it be the blood obscuring my vision 
   or if it was just fate, but I fell to my knee's giving him enough 
   time to catch me, hit me a few more times and then I remember him 
   throwing me down the flight of concrete stairs and then no more 
   till much later that night.

     I guess I should be thankful he drug me back in the house, when I
   finally woke up about 2 that next morning thankfully he was asleep.
   I had him call in sick for me at work that day and sent him on his 
   way to work, then I went out to my car, I'd had enough but of
   course things are never that easy, when it wouldn't start I lifted
   the hood only to find he'd tampered with things so he knew I would
   be going no where. Shortly thereafter is when I went into labor. I 
   finally summoned the courage to call a friend and she took me to
   the hospital where my too tiny baby girl was delivered. They did 
   let me hold my beautiful angel for a while before I had to say my
   final good-bye. 

     Thank goodness for this dear friend I hadn't seen in so very long
   she had called my family and I was whisked out of that terrible 
   place to safety, to begin again.

     I wish I could say that it was easy, but these things never are.
   He stalked me for a long time, no court order seemed to phase him
   in the least, so I took a job that took me totally away from any 
   one I knew and I obtained a divorce through strict secrecy of my
   location. I slowly put my life back together through family and 
   good friends and have learned to laugh and love again. It was not
   easy and I have suffered through some problems since that
   awful time...but I finally walk along with hope, a good life now,
   good friends and people I love...able to look myself in the mirror
   and know...I am worth something, I have survived.

               (the poem below I wrote for my little angel)



My Little Angel

by: Julianna


     My little angel
     I love you so much
     I wish I still had you
     Just to hold and touch.

     You were so tiny
     As sweet as can be
     When you went to heaven
     You took a part of me.

     My little angel
     I will never forget you
     And I swear to God
     I do not regret you.

     You were made by my love
     I had so much to show
     And because of you
     I will always grow.

     I bend down on my knees
     And pray to God each night
     To watch over you for me
     And make everything alright.

     Mommy sends a hug
     And a kiss along the way
     You are in my heart
     And that is where you'll stay.

     There is only one more thing
     I have to say before I go
     I swear I'll always love you
     And my angel, how you've helped me grow.

     Listen close to me now
     Baby please dont cry
     Mommy's got to go
     I've got to say good-bye.









Against All Odds