Author: Candra Phoenix
Summary: The title says it all, folks!
Okay. So, once upon a time--
(isn't always "once upon a time"? It's gotta happen *sometime*, unless it takes place in the Nexus of Time, where time is irrevelant)
--there was this princess.
(of course there is! Nobody wants to hear about the peasant chic doin' her laundry!)
She was the fairest maiden in all the land--
(Duh. She's the *princess*!)
--so all the guys are totally crushing her.
(which really sucks for the peasant chics, 'cause now not *only* do they have to do their laundry, but they have absolutely *nobody* to flirt with while doing so.)
So all the guys go over to her castle.
(Luckily, this is a fairy tale, magically enchanted, perfect lil' kingdom, otherwise they'd have to magically invent the A/C unit.)
There, they retrieved all her 786 1/2 pairs of shoes and kissed her feet--
(Good thing she's a princess living a fairy tale, magically enchanted, perfect lil' kingdom, otherwise--Man! Her petite lil' tootsies would *stink*!)
--then they slipped on a new pair of shoes on the princess' feet.
(Why, you ask? I, the author, have no idea. Okay, okay! Fine! I'll give ya what ya want! A good reason...Hmmm...)
It just so happens that every guy has this dream of working at Payless Shoe Source.
(Satisfied, you snotty lil' reader?!?)
After five hours of slipping shoes on and off, the princess grew tired and hungry--
(She *did* like the kissing-the-piggies thing, though.)
--so she had a servant bring her favorite snack: peeled onions, garlic and asparagus.
(Again: good thing she's a princess living in a fairy tale, magically enchanted, perfect lil' kingdom otherwise they'd have to magically invent the Multiverse's biggest Altoid *ever*.)
The princess took one bite of onion and croaked over dead.
(Did I mention that the servant was really a jealous peasant chic that had nobody to flirt with while doing her laundry? Well, she is.)
So the princess was dead. Dead. Very, very dead! They creamated her body. All the guys were upset about this, so they cried.
(But not in front of anyone. We don't want them to violate their Code of Manhood, do we now?)
But their sad faces turned alight again. All the peasant chics "took a break" from doing their laundry and raided the dead, dead, very, very dead princess' wardrobe--
(No, they didn't raid it so they could have more laundry to wash.)
--and they wore the royal threads.
(And unlike the princess, *they* didn't need to stuff their bras.)
At that moment, a giant bird that looks like she's made of fire--
(But really isn't, even thought she claims she is.)
--is flying in outer space when she happens to hear the cries of the guys on this alternate version of Earth.
(Sorry, fairy tale, magically enchanted, perfect lil' kingdoms don't exist in our world. If they did, don't you think I would be screwing up their little lives, instead of going to all this trouble to inter-dimensionally travel and screw up a kingdom *there*?)
So the "fire"-bird flies down to the fairy tale, magically enchanted, perfect lil' kingdom. Then she flies in circles around the dead, dead, very, very dead princess' ashes a few times and ressurrects her.
(Hallelujah! Hallelujah! HallelujahHallelujahHallelujah! Hal-le-lu-oo-jah!)
Alive again, the princess goes to put her nicest clothes on. Upon arriving at her closet--
(Well, is was more dining room-sized than closet-sized.)
--she found all her clothes were gone, and on the floor were dresses made of rags.
(For chics that wash their laundry, they're not too tidy.)
She sighed and put on the nicest rags there.
(Would *you* want her waltzing into town naked? Ewww...You sick pervert!)
She noticed that the dress was a litle too big "uptown."
(if ya know what I mean...)
But since the "fire"-bird had taken residence in her body, she used the bird's celestial power to rearrange the molecules of her...er..."uptown."
(Let's see Pam Anderson do *that*!)
The dress then fits. She strolled into town to hook up with some of the guys. She finds that they weren't crying over her death anymore. No-oh! They're flirting with the peasant chics, who, instead of doing their laundry, are wearing the princess' clothes.
So the princess was pissed, which made the "fire"-bird pissed, thus the "fire"-bird takes full control of the princess: body, mind and soul. Then the fairy tale, magically enchanted, perfect lil' kingdom gets turned inside-out into a super-hero, uncannily dramatic, sordid lil' comics book plot. The "fire"-bird telekinetically rearranges the molecules of her clothes from rags to red and yellow *SpaaaAAaaanndeEexXx!*
Then she shouts: "Hear me, X-guys and X-chics! No longer am I the woman you knew! I am Fire! And Life Incarnate! Now and forever! I am--
(Get ready for this...)
--PIGEON!" She then goes around bitch-slapping everyone. When that got old, she became tired and hungry--
(Notice the trend here?)
--so she blasts off into outer space and flies around for a bit. She stops every now and again to snack on a star or two, each time killing approximately 11,000,007 aliens. Then she remembers the guys and chics back on Earth and gets all hyper and enraged.
(Think stars have caffeine in 'em?)
She goes back to Earth to kill 'em all. She gets there and finds no one at all. Then this bald dude in a wheelchairrolls up and says, "Knowledge without wisdom...Age without maturity--
(What the hell does that mean, anyways?)
"--I *must* KILL YOU!"
Pigeon snickers and laughs: "Catch me if you can! Catch me if you can, 'cause I'm the Pigeon Wo-MAN!" Then she flies around singing, "Nanny nanny boo boo! You can't catch me! Nyah! Nyah! Nanny nanny boo boo!" while the dude tries to throw rock at her with his "mental" abilities.
("Mental", as in psychokinetically or schizophrenically?)
Then this bright light appears and the guys, chics, the bald guy in the wheelchair and Pigeon are all teleported onto an alien space craft. The queen steps forward and announces, "If you can defeat my army, we'll let Pigeon live."
"But Pigeon wants to kill us!" one guy said. "We don't want her to live!"
With the wave of a hand, Pigeon sets the guy on fire and vaporizes him.
"Oh," the queen said. "Well...we're really bored and our tv is in the shop, so...you're going to, anyways! The battle will take place on a crater of Jupiter's ninth moon."
"But the moon has no air," a chic said.
"You dare to question *me*?!?" the queen shouted. And with the wave of a hand, the guard points his gun at the chic and vaporizes her. "This crater *has* an air pocket. Now go!" She teleports all of them to the crater, except for the bald dud in the wheelchair. She wants to keep him for herself.
When the guys, chics and Pigeon get there, they die instantly.
(Except Pigeon. She's immortal.)
"Whoops!" the queen says. "Wrong crater!"
"That's alright, your highness," the bald dude in the wheelchair says. "We all make mistakes."
"Oh bald dude in the wheelchair!" the queen said in an Olive Oil flirty voice. "You're *sooooooo* romantic!" The bald dude in the wheelchair and the alien queen begins to make...er...uh..."talk." They completely forgot that Pigeon was still alive.
So Pigeon began eating the Multiverse. When she ate it all up, she...she...se didnt do anything, because she ate the entire Multiverse, thus eating herself. But then the Multiverse is never-ending and ever expanding, so then...Awww...I don't know! This is the end! Leave me alone! Go bug another author!