Pointless Jokes

Hey, We all know how fun pointless jokes can be. And I'm constantly seaching the net for such jokes. So, here's a colection with more on the way.

Signs that you're too drunk Interesting Tid-Bits Newspaper Headlines (they don't always say what they mean) Brand name mishaps 120 ways to confuse you roomie SIGNS THAT YOU ARE TOO DRUNK: You lose arguments with inanimate objects. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth. Job interfering with your drinking. Career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat. Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not! Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem! You can focus better with one eye closed. The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar. You fall off the floor... Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops. Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner! Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..." Your idea of cutting back is less salt. You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed. - hmm. The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in... Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more and more attractive. Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass. That damned pink elephant followed me home again. Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you. I'm as jober as a sudge. The shrubbery's drunk from too frequent watering. You wake up screaming "TORO TORO TORO!" in the middle of the night. When the policeman asks you to repeat the alphabet backwards, you tell them, "I can't do that even when I am sober!" INTERESTING TID-BITS. Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some hire Public-relations writers. If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose? Always eat your jellybeans with a spoon. If pro is the opposite of con, is progress the opposite of congress? If you keep trying to prove Murphy's Law, will something keep going wrong? Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations? People who live in glass houses don't have much of a sex life. Those who cannot remember the past will spend a lot of time looking for their cars in mall parking lots. May your coconuts never hang lower than your grass skirt. Why isn't "palindrome" spelled the same way backwards? If someone invented instant water, what would they mix it with? A soft answer turneth away wrath -- but not telephone salespeople. Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy more tunnel. Why isn't phoenetic spelled the way it sounds? How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings? Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime? Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes? Shouldn't there be a shorter word for "monosyllabic"? I don't want the world. I just want your half. Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets? What is another word for "thesaurus"? Why is there an expiration date on SOUR cream? When they ship styrofoam, what do they pack it in? Newspaper headlines Include Your Children when Baking Cookies Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents Iraqi Head Seeks Arms Prostitutes Appeal to Pope Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms Eye Drops off Shelf Teacher Strikes Idle Kids Clinton Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66 Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told Miners Refuse to Work after Death Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One War Dims Hope for Peace If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft Kids Make Nutritious Snacks Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half New Vaccine May Contain Rabies Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing Air Head Fired Steals Clock, Faces Time Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training BRAND RECOGNITION & PRODUCT IDENTITY Coors put its slogan, "Turn it loose," into spanish, where it was read as "Suffer from Diarrhea." Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick," as a curling iron, into German only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure? Not too many people had use for the "manure stick" Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux." In Chinese, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan "finger-lickin" good" came out as "eat your fingers off." The American slogan for Salem cigarettes, "Salem - Feeling Free" was translated into the Japanese market as "When smoking Salem, you will feel refreshed that your mind seems to be free and empty." When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with the beautiful Caucasian baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the label of what's inside, since most people can't read English. Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called CUE, the name of a notorious porno magazine. An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope" (el Papa), the shirts read "I saw the potato" (la papa). In Italy, a campaign for Schweppes Tonic Water translated the name into "Schweppes Toilet Water." Pepsi's "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave", in Chinese. We all know about GM's Chevy Nova meaning "it won't go" in Spanish markets, but, did you know that Ford had a similar problem in Brazil with the Pinto? Pinto was Brazilian slang for "tiny male genitals." Ford renamed the automobile Corcel, meaning "Horse." Hunt-Wesson introduced Big John products in French Canada as Gros Jos. Later they found out that in slang it means "big breasts." Perdue's chicken slogan, "it takes a strong man to make a tender chicken" was translated into Spanish as "it takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate." Probably the most famous of all is John Kennedy's announcement to the people of Berlin, "Ich bin ein Berliner!" JFK thought he said, "I am a citizen of Berlin!" What he *realy* said was, "I am a jelly doughnut!" (Berliner" is German for "jelly doughnut.") 120 Ways to Confuse Your Roommate 1.Insist that you are a vegetarian and protest anytime your roommate eats meat. Then leave "Slim Jim" wrappers on the floor and lie on the bed holding your stomach everytime your roommate walks in. If he/she asks about the wrappers, say you know nothing about them. 2.Get some hair. Disperse it around your roommate's head while he/she is asleep. Keep a pair of scissors by your bed. Snicker at your roommate every morning. 3.Every time your roommate walks in yell, "Hooray! You're back!" as loud as you can and dance around the room for five minutes. Afterwards, keep looking at your watch and saying, "Shouldn't you be going somewhere?" 4.Trash the room when your roommate's not around. Then leave and wait for your roommate to come back. When he/she does, walk in and act surprised. Say, "Uh-oh, it looks like, THEY, were here again." 5.Every time you see your roommate yell, "You son of a..." and kick him/her in the stomach. Then buy him/her some ice cream. 6.Set your roommate's bed on fire. Apologize and explain that you've been watching too much "Beavis & Butthead." Do it again. Tell him/her that you're not sorry because this time, they deserved it. 7.Put your glasses on before you go to bed. Take them off as soon as you wake up. If your roommate asks, explain that they are Magic Dream Glasses. Complain that you've been having terrible nightmares. 8.Eat lots of "Lucky Charms." Pick out all the yellow moons and stockpile them in the closet. If your roommate inquires, explain that visitors are coming, but you can't say anything more, or you'll have to face the consequences. 9.Set up meetings with your roommate's faculty advisor. Inquire about his/her academic potential. Take lots of notes, and then give your roommate a full report. Insist that he/she do the same. 10."Drink" a raw egg for breakfast every morning. Explain that you are in training. Eat a dozen donuts every night. 11.Every Thursday, pack up everything you own and tell your roommate you're going home. Come back in an hour and explain that no one was home. Unpack everything and go to sleep. 12.Every time you wake up, start yelling, "Oh, my God! Where the hell am I?!" and run around the room for a few minutes. Then go back to bed. If your roommate asks, say you don't know what he/she is talking about. 13.Draw a tiny, black spot on your arm. Make it bigger every day. Look at it and say, "It's spreading, it's spreading." 14.Buy a McDonald's "Happy Meal" for lunch every day. Eat the straw and the napkin. Throw everything else away. 15.Buy a plant. Sleep with it at night. Talk to it. After a few weeks, start to argue with it loudly. Then yell, "I can't live in the same room with you," storm out of the room and slam the door. Get rid of the plant, but keep the pot. Refuse to discuss the plant ever again. 16.Buy a Jack-In-The-Box. Every day, turn the handle until the clown pops out. Scream continuously for twenty minutes. 17.Hang up pictures of chickens all over the room. If your roommate eats eggs, yell at him/her and call him/her a cannibal. 18.Buy some knives. Sharpen them every night. While you're doing so, look at your roommate and mutter, "Soon, soon...." 19.Lock the door while your roommate is out. When he/she comes back and tries to unlock it, yell, "Don't come in, I'm naked!" Keep this up for several hours. When you finally let your roommate in, immediately take off all of your clothes, and ignore your roommate. 20.Bring in potential "new" roommates from around campus. Give them tours of the room and the building. Have them ask about your roommate in front of him/her, and reply, "Oh, him/her? He/she won't be here much longer." 21.If your roommate comes home after midnight, hit him/her on the head with a rolling pin. Immediately go to bed, muttering, "Ungrateful little..." 22.Pile dirty dishes in your roommate's bed. Insist that you don't know how they got there. 23.Collect hundreds of pens and pile them on one side of the room. Keep one pencil on the other side of the room. Laugh at the pencil. 24.Feign a serious illness for two weeks. Have a priest come to your room and visit you. Write out a will, leaving everything to your roommate. One day, miraculously "recover." Insist that your roommate write out a will, leaving everything to you. Every time he/she coughs, excitedly say, "Oooh, are you dying?" 25.Live in the hallway for a month. Afterwards, bring all of your stuff back into the room and tell your roommate, "Okay, your turn." 26.Keep a tarantula in a jar for three days. Then get rid of the tarantula. If your roommate asks, say, "Oh, he's around here somewhere." 27.Tell your roommate, "I've got an important message for you." Then pretend to faint. When you recover, say you can't remember what the message was. Later on, say, "Oh, yeah, I remember!" Pretend to faint again. Keep this up for several weeks. 28.Bowl inside the room. Set up tournaments with other people in the building. Award someone a trophy. If your roommate wants to bowl too, explain that he/she needs bowling shoes. 29.Walk backwards all the time. Then pretend to trip and hurt yourself. Fake an injury and go through a long, painful recovery. Start walking backwards again. 30.While your roommate is out, glue your shoes to the ceiling. When your roommate walks in, sit on the floor, hold your head, and moan. 31.Explain to your roommate that you're going to be housing a prospective student in the near future. One day, bring in a pig. If your roommate protests, hug the pig and tell your roommate that he/she hurt its feelings. Watch T.V with the pig, eating lots of bacon. 32.Make a sandwich. Don't eat it, leave it on the floor. Ignore the sandwich. Wait until your roommate gets rid of it, and then say, "Hey, where the hell is my sandwich!?" Complain loudly that you are hungry. 33.Punch a hole in the T.V. Sit and watch it anyway, complaining about the poor picture quality. 34.Wear a cape. Stand in front of an open window for about an hour every day. Then, one day, when your roommate is gone, go outside and lie down underneath the window, pretending to be hurt, and wait for your roommate to return. The next day, start standing in front of the window again. 35.Collect potatoes. Paint faces on them and give them names. Name one after your roommate. Separate your roommate's potato from the others. Wait a few days, and then bake your roommate's potato and eat it. Explain to your roommate, "He just didn't belong." 36.Fill an empty shaving cream can with whipped cream. Use it to shave, and then spray some into your mouth. Later on, complain that you feel sick. Continue this process for several weeks. 37.Cover your bed with a tent. Live inside it for a week. If your roommate asks, explain that "It's a jungle out there." Get your roommate to bring you food and water. 38.Keep a vacuum cleaner in the middle of the room. Look at it with fear for a few days. Then stay out of the room entirely, opening the door only a crack and whispering to your roommate, "Psst! Is it gone?" 39.Break the window with a rock. If your roommate protests, explain that you were hot. Open and close the broken window as you normally would. 40.Throw darts at a bare wall. All of a sudden, act excited, telling your roommate that you hit the bull's eye. 41.Send flowers to your roommate, with a card that says, "I'm sorry. It won't happen again." When you see them, start ripping up the flowers. Repeat the process for a few weeks. 42.Call your roommate "Clyde" by accident. Start doing so every so often. Increase the frequency over the next few weeks, until you are calling him "Clyde" all the time. If your roommate protests, say, "I'm sorry. I won't do that anymore, Murray." 43.Hire a night watchman to guard the room while you are sleeping. 44.Move everything to one side of the room. Ask your roommate if he knows how much an elephant weighs, and look at the floor on the empty side of the room with concern. 45.Practice needlepoint every night. At one point, grab your thumb and scream, "Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!" Cry hysterically for a few minutes, and then go to bed. Sob and sniff all night. 46.When your roommate comes in, pretend that you are on the phone, screaming angrily and shouting obscenities. After you hang up, say, "That was your mom. She said she'd call back." 47.Every time your roommate comes in, immediately turn off the lights and go to bed. When he/she leaves, get up and loudly yell, "Okay, guys, you can come out now." 48.Start wearing a crown, all the time. If your roommate tells you to take it off, say, "What the hell do you think you are? A king?" 49.Sit in front of a chess board for hours, saying nothing, doing nothing. Then, look up and say, "I think this game goes a lot faster with two players." 50.Talk back to your "Rice Krispies." All of a sudden, act offended, throw the bowl on the floor and kick it. Refuse to clean it up, explaining, "No, I want to watch them suffer." 51.Change the locks on the door. Don't let your roommate in unless he/she says the secret word. Change the secret word often. If your roommate can't guess the secret word, make him/her pay a tithe. 52.Scatter stuffed animals around the room. Put party hats on them. Play loud music. When your roommate walks in, turn off the music, take off the party hats, put away the stuffed animals, and say, "Well, it was fun while it lasted." 53.Hang a tire swing from the ceiling. Act like a monkey. If someone besides your roommate comes in, cease acting like a monkey and claim that the tire swing was your roommate's idea. When you and your roommate are alone again, continue acting like a monkey. 54.Unplug everything in the room except for one toaster. Pray to the toaster. Bring it gifts. Throw some of your roommate's possessions out the window. Say that the toaster made you do it. 55.Challenge your roommate to a duel. If he refuses, claim that you have won by forfeit and therefore conquered his side of the room. Insist that he remove all of his possessionsimmediately. 56.Sign your roommate up for various activities. (Campus tour guide, blood donor, organ donor). 57.Start dressing like an Indian. If your roommate inquires, claim that you are getting in touch with your Native-American roots. If your roommate accuses you of not having any Native-American roots, claim that he/she has offended your people and put a curse on your roommate. 58.Wear your shoes on the wrong feet, all the time. Constantly complain that your feet hurt. 59.Hit your roommate on the head with a brick. Claim that you were trying to kill a mosquito. 60.Steal something valuable of your roommate's. If he/she asks about it, tell him/her that you traded it for some magic beans. Give some beans to your roommate. 61.Instead of turning off the light switch, smash the light bulb with a hammer. Put a new bulb in the next day. Complain often about the cost of light bulbs. 62.Videotape yourself hammering a nail into a wall for a while, and then stopping. Play the tape in your room. Right before the hammering stops on the videotape, look at the screen and say, "Don't do that." 63.Buy a lamp. Tell your roommate it's a magic lamp, with a genie inside it. Spend a week thinking about what to wish for. At the end of the week, report that someone has released the genie from the lamp. Blame your roommate. 64.Whenever your roommate brushes his/her teeth, watch him/her do so. Take notes. Write a paper on it, and circulate it around campus. If your roommate protests, say, "The people have a right to know!" 65.Collect potato chips that you think look like famous people. Find one that looks like your roommate. Burn it, and explain, "It had to be done." 66.Read the phone book out loud and excitedly. ("Frank Johnson! Oh, wow! 837-9494! Holy cow!") 67.Shadow box several times a day. One day, walk in looking depressed. If your roommate asks what's wrong, explain that your shadow can't box with you anymore due to an injury. Ask your roommate if you can box with his/her shadow. 68.When you walk into the room, look at your roommate in disgust and yell, "Oh, you're here!" Walk away yelling and cursing. 69.Put up flyers around the building, reporting that your roommate is missing. Offer a reward for his/her safe return. 70.Buy a watermelon. Draw a face on it and give it a name. Ask your roommate if the watermelon can sleep in his/her bed. If your roommate says no, drop the watermelon out the window. Make it look like a suicide. Say nasty things about your roommate at the funeral. 71.Draw a chalk outline on the floor. When your roommate comes in, say, "Don't worry. It's not what you think." If he/she asks about it again, immediately change the subject. 72.Drink a cup of coffee every morning. When you finish it, gnaw on the mug for about ten minutes. Then, look at your roommate, immediately put the mug away, and quickly leave the room. 73.Paint a tunnel on the wall like they do in cartoons. Every day, hit your head as you attempt to crawl through it. Hold your head and grumble, "Damn road runner...." 74.Leave memos on your roommate's bed that say things like, "I know what you did," and "Don't think you can fool me." Sign them in blood. 75.Hold a raffle, offering your roommate as first prize. If he/she protests, tell him/her that it's all for charity. 76.Make cue cards for your roommate. Get them out whenever you'd like to have a conversation. 77.Talk like a pirate, all the time. Threaten to make your roommate walk the plank if he/she doesn't swab the deck. Arrrrrrrrrrrgh! 78.Set up about twenty plants in an organized formation. When your roommate walks in, pretend to be in the middle of delivering a speech to the plants. Whisper to them, "We'll continue this later," while eyeing your roommate suspiciously. 79.Buy a telescope. Sit on your bed and look across the room at your roommate through the telescope. When you're not using the telescope, act like your roommate is too far away for you to see. 80.Keep some worms in a shoebox. When doing homework, go and consult with the worms every so often. Then become angry, shouting at the worms that they're stupid and they don't know what they're talking about. 81.Watch "Psycho" every day for a month. Then act excited every time your roommate goes to take a shower. 82.Wear a paper hat. Every time your roommate walks in, say, "Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your... Oh, it's just you." Take off the hat, sit, and pout. 83.Go through your roommate's textbooks with a red pen, changing things and making random corrections. If your roommate protests, tell him/her that you just couldn't take it anymore. 84.Leave the room at random, knock on the door, and wait for your roommate to let you back in. If he/she asks about it, go on a tangent about the importance of good manners. 85.Hang a horseshoe above the door. Make up stories about having had good luck. Then, take the horseshoe down and wrap your head in bandages. When you see your roommate, look above the door where the horseshoe used to be, hold your head, and mutter, "Stupid horseshoe...." 86.Carve a jack-o-lantern. Complain to your roommate that the jack-o-lantern has been staring at you. The next day, tell your roommate that the jack-o-lantern thinks he/she has been staring at it. Confide in your roommate that you really don't like the jack-o-lantern, but you can't convince it to move out. 87.As soon as your roommate turns the light off at night, begin singing famous operas as loud as you can. When your roommate turns on the light, look around and pretend to be confused. 88.Hang a basketball net on the wall. Challenge your refrigerator to basketball games, and play them in front of your roommate. Do so for about a month. Confide in your roommate that you think the refrigerator has been taking steroids. 89.Drink lots of lemonade. Talk obnoxiously for hours about how much you love lemonade. Then, one day, paint your face yellow. From then on, complain about how much you hate lemonade. 90.Late at night, start conversations that begin with, "Remember the good old days, when we used to..." and make up stories involving you and your roommate. 91.Whenever your roommate sneezes, go and hide in the closet for about and hour. Look around nervously for the rest of the day. 92.Sit and stare at your roommate for hours. Bring others in to join you. Eat peanuts, throwing a few at your roommate. Then say, "Boy, these zoos just aren't what they used to be." 93.Tell your roommate that your toe hurts, and that means there's going to be an earthquake, soon. While your roommate is out, trash everything on his/her side of the room. When he/she returns, explain that the earthquake hit, but only on one side of the room. 94.Buy a gun. Clean it every day. One day, put a band-aid on your forehead, and refuse to discuss the gun ever again. 95.Buy a lobster. Pretend to play cards with it. Complain to your roommate that the lobster is making up his own rules. 96.Make pancakes every morning, but don't eat them. Draw faces on them, and toss them in the closet. Watch them for several hours each day. Complain to your roommate that your "pancake farm" isn't evolving into a self-sufficient community. Confide in your roommate that you think the king of the pancakes has been taking bribes. 97.While you are ironing, pretend to burn yourself. Start a garbage can fire in the middle of the room. Toss the iron inside. If your roommate objects, explain that you are just trying to get even. 98.Buy some turtles. Paint numbers on their backs. Race them down the hall. 99.Create an army of animal crackers. Put them through basic training. Set up little checkpoints around the room. Tell your roommate that the camel spotted him/her in a restricted area and said not to do it again. Ask your roommate to apologize to the camel. 100.Put out a plate of cookies at night. Tell your roommate that they're for the Sandman. Take a bite out of one of the cookies while your roommate is asleep. The next morning, accuse your roommate of having bitten one of the cookies. If he/she tries to tell you the Sandman did it, insist that you know what the Sandman's teeth marks look like and that those are, in fact, not the Sandman's teeth marks. Grumble angrily and storm out of the room. 101. Offer to shake hands, all the time. Immediately afterwards, go to the bathroom and wash your hands for about half an hour. If your roommate inquires, tell him/her, "Better to be safe than sorry." 102. Keep a goldfish in your room. Watch it for hours, writing down all of its movements and actions in a notebook. Then, one day, stuff the notebook in the fish bowl, and write down all of its movements and actions on the fish. If your roommate asks, explain that the notebook is a lot easier to keep track of, and doesn't eat nearly as much. 103. Use your VCR as a toaster, stuffing bread or pop-tarts into it every morning. When you eat them, complain that something doesn't taste quite right. Adjust the tracking on your VCR, and from then on rave about how good the food is. 104. Keep a plant by your telephone. Every time you enter the room, ask the plant if anybody called. Complain to your roommate that the plant has been making up wild stories about important phone calls. 105. Get a Pet Rock. Sleep with it, and read it bedtime stories. Every night, as soon as you turn out the light, start screaming at the top of your lungs. Explain to your roommate that the rock is afraid of the dark. 106. Get a trampoline for your room. Invite your friends over and jump on it all the time. Then, while your roommate is gone, get rid of the trampoline and draw a chalk outline of a human body on the ceiling. If your roommate inquires, say that you don't want to discuss it. 107. Set your alarm for any time during the day. When it goes off, immediately go to bed, letting the alarm clock continue ringing or buzzing until your roommate turns it off. When he/she does, get up and go about your normal daily business. 108. Stuff yourself into a big plastic bag. Tell your roommate that you've contracted a rare case of the Bulgarian Measels, and you're now being quarantined by the Health Center. Tell your roommate you've been using his/her toothbrush. 109. Light firecrackers and toss them into your roommate's bed while he/she is sleeping. When he/she wakes up, pretend to be asleep. 110. Get a sponge and draw a face on it. Take it to class with you. Let the sponge help you with your homework. Leave notes to your roommate, from the sponge, accusing your roommate of not living up to his/her academic potential. 111. Make "small talk" with your roommate, asking questions like, "How was your day?" and "What are your plans for tonight?" Act interested and write all the responses down, muttering things like, "Hmmm.... Very interesting." Call a local radio station and report the results. 112. Dump all of your roommate's laundry in the center of the room in one big pile. Burn it. If your roommate protests, explain that it was a sacrifice to the "fashion gods". 113. Wait until your roommate is very tired. Insist that you are a master of massage. Ask your roommate to lie down. When he/she does, whack him/her in the head with a baseball bat. If your roommate is still alive, and protests, say, "Oh, I must have done it wrong. Let me try again." If your roommate is dumb enough to let you try again, once more hit him/her in the head with a baseball bat. 114. Complain often about having a loose tooth. When your roommate isn't looking, stuff your mouth with white marbles. Pretend to sneeze, and spew the marbles all over the place. Scream, and run out of the room. 115. Come into the room with a fire extinguisher hidden behind your back. Ask your roommate if he/she has a light. If he/she gives you one, spray him/her with the fire extinguisher. If he/she doesn't give you one, spray him/her anyway. 116. Put an umbrella up, over your bed. Sleep underneath it at night. If your roommate asks about it, respond by saying, "A storm's a-brewin'." Then, one night, get a bucket of water and dump it on your roommate while he/she is sleeping. Get back into bed. If your roommate asks about the incident, claim that you don't know what happened. 117. Get a gasoline can and fill it up with water. Keep it under your bed. Wait until your roommate is around, and start running around the room. Then, collapse, and say, "Damn, I ran out of gas!" Crawl over to the gasoline can and drink from it. Get up, and start running around again. 118. Get two mannequins and keep them inside the room. Every day, dress up one to look like yourself, and the other to look like your roommate. One day, position them so that your mannequin is shaking the roommate mannequin's hand. Later that day, shake your roommate's hand. The next day, position them so that your mannequin is kicking the roommate mannequin. Later that day, kick your roommate. The next day, position them so that your mannequin is stabbing the roommate mannequin with a really big knife. Glare at your roommate for the rest of the day. 119. Keep a variety of bugs and insects inside a jar. Use a stethoscope to "listen" to what the insects are talking about. Act like you can't understand anything.. Then, at night, get up suddenly, turn on the lights, and start yelling, "Shut up! I'm trying to sleep! God, you guys are so damn loud, I can't hear myself think!" Continue complaining for about half an hour. Do this every night until all of the insects are dead, at which time, sob, sniff, and say, "I'm gonna miss those guys." 120. Get an air pump. Put the end in your mouth, and start pumping. Do so for a few seconds. Repeat this action every day, eventually extending the amount of "pumping" time to several minutes. Then, one day, while your roommate is out, get some blood, intestines, and anything else you can find at the biology lab. Scatter and smear these things around the room, leaving the air pump in the center. Leave your roommate a note that reads, "I'm sorry, I just can't stand living with you any more. So, I'm ending it all. Sorry about the mess."