8/20/98
Well then, I feel the need to vent, this one should get me in some sort of trouble.  This is a soley online rant.  so expect it to be, interesting.
Goddess I'm fucked up.  I don't like daylight, I have a strong dislike (close to a hatred) of people outside of a select 20.  I sleep in my loft in a papazon (nest) chair.  My loft is a little 6X6 spot above my room.  It's the only place where I can go and nobody can see me unless they climb up the ladder.  My mom admits that she never looks up there.  I'll take advantage of that by putting poster-board on all the wallspace and scribbling things on it.  That's a good idea.  hmmm......  My dam broke last night.  Now I have all the emotions that should have been packed away for quite some time more.  I'm a fucking hermit who rarely goes out of his room if there are others in the house.  ahh yes, but if I'm alone.  I can have fun, I play music loud, actually keep my door OPEN, and am just so much happier.  I had to shake the top soil off of grass for my dad, I got paid 7.50 an hour for doing this tedious, but easy, job.  I did it yesterday for like two and a half hours, and was supposed to continue today.  I didn't, got yelled at for it.  But when my parents went to see a movie tonight around 8, (dusk yay! my favorite time, except 2:56, I like that time for some reason, odd) I decided to actually do the work.  I never do work well during the day.  I'm not sure what it is, but during the day I feel the need to relax.  At night I'm so productive.  I've gotten into the habit of going to bed around 4.  and waking up around 1.  It works really really well.  and I get 9 hours of sleep.  My parents asked me what I thought of bording school.  I said that I would love it if I could get a single room.  if not, neah.  I love solitude.  People don't understand how much I love it.  There's a little irony in that setence. Did you ever notice how there is no irony in the song Ironic?  oh well, this was a nice little rant.  I haven't emptied anything, just voiced my opinions.  I think that my poem "Life" belongs here.  oh well, visit my poem page to read it.  Goodnight everybody! *mwa*
7/28/98

OK, this is the unedited version, so there's a lot of stuff. There's also poor english, things that don't make sense, etc... I WAS INSANE, sue me. Things is braces are notes not in the original text

OK, I can begin to think nobody understands me again. I can begin pondering the use of far too many pain killers. I can use drugs w/o questioning myself "why?". Because I know the reason. I'm depressed. I will be always, unless I'm with and/or talking to a few select people whom I trust. I don't trust anyone, I respect these people. Either for being my equal or damn close too it. I don't like life. I don't think I ever will. I'm sitting on Jims bed and it's one forty-five in the morning and I'm listening to James brown is dead. Why? Why does life suck so much. I wish I was @ home so I could stay online with Zoot {zoot is crossed out} Debby. Not Zoot Zot is simply an entire different person. I'm going to begin to scare Will soon. I don't want to be so fucking depressed. Fuck, In Your Eyes is on non. Why couldn't that song be longer. *starts to cry* Why can't I lead a normal teenage life. That won't happen. I'm too fucked up for that too {as I said, I was insane, leave me alone} happen. And I think that I would miss insanity. It's amusing to be able to laugh @ the sheer stupidity of life. Wow, it took me about 15 minutes for this. {other side of page} I still have 1 1/2 pages to fill. I wish I had some reefer. I fun escape from lifes problems. Oh well. I have to stop making promises I can't keep. Well then, I got up to get snackies and I remembered that I needed to take my meds. So I {can't get exact word, I'm guessing, It's too illegible to read} took them, then opend the cabinet to put them away and took out the pain releivers. They're non-aspring ya know. I took them alst night to get rid of a horrid headache. Anywho. I took two out pondering wheter or not take the entire bottle. I missed that feeling. Kara Kinda postponded it. I think I have to wait a week before willis comes up to NY. Just a week to be Danny, and drop all my masks. They get tireing. Wait, I was telling a story. Yes, and then my friends mom comes up behind me as I'm taking 2 pain killer tablet thingies, and staring at the rest of the bottle and she says "you shouldn't be up this late." I got the bottle away quick-like-ninja and she was too tired to care that I had two pills in my mouth. Ow, I just bit myself so hard I bled. I've resorted to biting myself now-a-days. It's quieter and I don't want anybody to wake up to my head-butting walls. I just got up to look for something to punch, Good, stairway is up next. {new sheet of paper} A new peice of paper. It looks so naked. I wish I could star anew. Correct all the mistakes I've made. See if I could avoid becoming such a sad display of youth. or maybe such a good one. I hope there indentations are gone in the morning {a reference to the bite marks, I think}. Hmmm.. I should get some sleep. I'll rant in the morning. I'll take a bit longer though. 'Till the end of stairway. I have to be able to wake up at 12. {end of rant}