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Aging Jokes

An 80yr old couple were seen shagging furiously up against a fence.
For 40 mins they shagged like bastards. Arms and legs going everywhere until they fell to the floor.
She said “You didn't fuck me like that 50 years ago!
To which the old man replied “50 years ago that fence wasn't fucking electric!

Had an overdose on Viagra last night. My wife took it really hard.

Q. How do you know God has a sense of humor?
A. Because he designed men's bodies to become more stiff with age except in the place they need it.

One morning a long-wed couple were in an amourous embrace and the wife says: "Honey, that Viagra is so wonderful, let me fix us a nice full breakfast... eggs, bacon, toast..."
The husband says: "No, I'm not hungry, the Viagra takes away my appetite."

Later in the day, the wife says: "Sweetheart, I want to do something for you, let me fix you a nice wholesome lunch, fresh salad with your favorite ingredients, steamed veggies, and some grilled fish fillets..."

The husband again refuses, "I'm just not hungry after using that Viagra."

Long about dinner time, the wife tries again, "Are you hungry yet?, I'll fix a steak and potatoes dinner with hot rolls."

The husband still refuses, "No, that Viagra just kills my appetite."
The wife then firmly says "well, I'm getting something to eat, so get OFF of me!!!"

97 year old man comes to his doctor looking depressed. He says "Doc, I think I'm impotent." Doctor sits him down and begins the standard speech he gives to senior citizens, about how as the body ages bodily functions slow down and it is completely normal to suffer some decrease in sexual desire. How the man shouldn't worry or become upset about it, but should just relax and things will probably be completely fine and blah blah blah. Finally the doctor asks "When did you first begin to think you were impotent?"
"Three times last night, and again this morning."

An old lady goes to the doctor and says, "I have this really bad flatulence problem, but they don't stink and don't make a sound."
The doctor says "O.K., take two of these pills every day for two weeks and come back."
A week later the lady comes back really mad and says, "Now, not only do I fart a lot, but they stink really bad!"
The doctor then said, "Now that we have your sinuses cleared, let's work on your hearing!"

A Grandpa walks into a grandson's apartment and sees a condom on the table.
'What's this?' demands the grandfather.
'It's a condom' replies the grandson sheepishly.
'What do you use it for?' asks Gramps.
The guy is surprised that his grandpa really doesn't know what a condom is, and replies 'I use it to keep my cigarettes dry when I smoke in the rain'
To his surprise his grandpa says 'That's a great idea,' and goes off to the drug store. He asks the pharmacist for a condom.
'What size would you like' asks the pharmacist.
'Oh, big enough to fit a camel'

A woman goes to her doctor, complaining that her husband is 300% impotent.

The doctor says, "I'm not sure I understand what you mean."

She says, "Well, the first 100% you can imagine. In addition, he burned his tongue and broke his finger!"

A middle aged man, about 5 foot 8 inches tall, walks into a Wal-mart and asks where the pharmacy counter is. He is directed to it. When he reaches it, he asks to see the pharmacist. He
comes out and the man, looking around furtively, asks quietly, "Do you sell Viagra here?"

The pharmacist answers firmly, "Yes, sir. We certainly do."
The man then says, "Do you think I could get it over the counter?"

The pharmacist looks at him for a moment and then says, "Perhaps if you took 5 or 6 pills at once you might."

A retired gentlemen went into the social security office to apply for Social Security. After waiting in line a long time he got to the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his drivers license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realised he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home.

"Will I have to go home and come back now?" he asks.
The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt."

So he opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair. She says,
"That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me," she processed his application.

When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the Social Security office. She said, "You should have dropped your pants, you might have qualified for disability, too."

Morris, an 80-year-old millionaire becomes engaged to a beautiful 22-year-old model, Sherry La Rue. He goes to his doctor for a check-up a couple of weeks before the wedding date. The doctor looks him over and says,
"Morris, you seem completely healthy but I must tell you one thing."
"What's that?", asks Morris.
"At your age, sex can be dangerous, and you need to watch it, take care as it could be really deadly" the doctor replies.

Morris thinks for a minute and then says, "What the hell, if she dies, she dies."

There was a young woman who lived with her grandmother. One night the granddaughter came bouncing down the stairs dressed to go out to a party wearing a see through blouse without a bra. Her grandmother told her to go back up stairs and "dress decent." The young woman said, "No, I want to show off my rosebuds" and went out the door.

The next day the granddaughter came outside to find her grandmother on the porch wearing the see through blouse without a bra.
"Grandmother!! What are you doing?
My boyfriend and a couple of other friends are coming over any time now!" she cried.
"Please go change your blouse, I'm so embarrassed!!" The older woman replied,
"Well if you can show off your rosebuds then I can show off my hanging baskets."

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing. One old lady turns to the other and asks, "Do you still get horny?"
The other replies, "Oh sure I do."
The first old lady asks, "What to you do about it?"
The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver."
After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the beach?

An old man was on the beach and walked up to a beautiful girl in a bikini,
"I want to feel your breasts," he exclaimed.
"Get away from me, you crazy old man," she replied.
"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you twenty dollars," he says.
"Twenty dollars, are you nuts!? Get away from me!"
"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS" he says.
"NO! Get away from me!"
She pauses to think about it, but then comes to her senses & says, "I said NO!"
"FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS if you let me feel your breasts," he says.
She thinks, well he is old, and he seems harmless enough...and five hundred dollars IS a lot of money...."Well, OK...but only for a minute," she says.

She loosens her bikini top and while both are standing there on the beach, he slides his hands underneath and begins to feel...and then he starts saying OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD...while he is caressing them. So out of curiosity, she asks him "Why do you keep saying 'Oh my god'?"
While continuing to feel her breasts he answers "OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD...where am I ever going to get five hundred dollars?"

A couple, age 67, went to the doctor's office.
The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"
The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There is nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse."
And he then charged them £32.00. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse, pay the doctor and leave.

Finally the doctor asked, "Just what exactly are you trying to find out?"
The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She is married and we can't go to her house. I am married and we can't go to my house.The Holiday Inn charges £60.00 and the Hilton charges £75.00. We do it here for £32.00, and I get back £28.00 from Medicare for a visit to the doctor's office."

An old man and an old lady are getting ready for bed one night when all of a sudden the woman bursts out of the bathroom, flings open her robe and yells: "Super Pussy!"
The old man says: "I'll have the soup."

An elderly man was admitted to a rest home by his family due to his weakening condition. The next morning, the nurse saw him leaning to the extreme left in his chair, so she propped a pillow under that side.

Later, she noticed him leaning to the right, so she put a pillow there too. Soon, he was leaning forward, so out came the vest restraint. His family came to see him, and the nurse explained her efforts to keep him from hurting himself. The family asked the gentleman how he was doing.

"The food is good, the nurse is real nice, but she doesn't like people to fart around here."

Little Timmy is playing on the street when he spots a package of Viagra pills. Being a boy of the world, he immediately recognises the possibilities and approaches his grandfather:
"Gramps, I will sell you this package of Viagra for 100 Dollars."
"Oh, thanks Timmy, but are you sure these will work?"
"Gee, I don't know. But they do look like the ones that were shown on TV!"
"Tell you what, Timmy, I'll try them tonight and if they work OK, I'll give you the money tomorrow."
The next morning, Timmy visits his grandfather again, and Gramps hands over $500 without hesitation.
Timmy is perplexed:
"But Gramps, I thought we agreed on 100 Dollars!"
"That's OK, Timmy, keep it, the rest is from Grandma!"

An old man of ninety was sitting on a park bench crying. A policeman noticed this and asked him why he was crying.

"Well," says the old fellow,
"I just got married to a twenty-five year old woman. Every morning she makes me a wonderful breakfast and then we make love. In the afternoon she makes me a wonderful lunch and then we make love. At dinner time she makes me a wonderful supper and then we make love."

The policeman looks at the old man and says, "You shouldn't be crying! You should be the happiest man in the world!" So the old man says, "I know! But I don't remember where I live!"

As an elderly lady sat on her front porch reflecting on her long life, a Fairy Godmother suddenly appeared and offered to fulfill three wishes for her.
"Well," said the woman, "I guess I'd like to be rich."
POOF! The Fairy Godmother turned her rocking chair into solid gold.
"And I wouldn't mind being a young and beautiful princess."
POOF! The Fairy Godmother turned the old woman into an exquisite young princess, with a priceless crown of jewels.
"Your third wish?" asked the Fairy Godmother.
"Could you possibly turn my wonderful dog into a handsome prince?"
POOF! There, in front of the old woman, who has now turned into a beautiful princess, stood the most handsome young man anyone had ever seen. More handsome than anyone could possibly imagine. She stared at him in awe, completely smitten. As he came toward her, her knees weakened. He bent down, brushing his lips across her ear as he whispered,
"I'll bet you're sorry you had me neutered.

On a senior citizen bus tour, the driver was surprised. While the passengers were unloading, to do some sightseeing, one elderly lady stopped and whispered in his ear, "Driver, I believe that I was sexually harassed!"

The driver didn't think much of this complaint, but promised he would check into it soon. Later, that very same day, as the passengers were unloading again, a second little old lady bent down and whispered in his ear, "Sir, I believe I was sexually harassed!"

This time, he knew it had to be taken care of soon. A few passengers had remained on the bus, and he decided to go back and question them, to see if they had any knowledge of what was going on.

He found one little old man crawling along the bus floor underneath the seats and stooped down to question him. "Excuse me, sir, could I help you?" The elderly man looked up and said, "Well, sonny, you sure can. I've lost my toupee and I'm trying to find it. I thought I'd located it twice, but they were parted in the middle, and mine's parted on the side!"

An 85 year old man marries a lovely 25 year old woman. Because her new husband is so old the woman decides that on their wedding night they should have separate suites. She is concerned that the old fellow could over exert himself.

After the festivities she prepares herself for bed and for the knock on the door she is expecting. Sure enough the knock comes and there is her groom ready for action.

They unite in conjugal union and all goes well whereupon he takes his leave of her and she prepares to go to sleep for the night. After a few minutes there's a knock on the door and there the old guy is again ready for more action. Somewhat surprised she consents to further coupling, which is again successful after which the octogenarian bids her a fond good night and leaves. She is certainly ready for slumber at this point and is close to sleep for the second time when there is another knock at the door and there he is again fresh as a 25 year old and ready for more. Once again they do the horizontal boogie.

As they're laying in afterglow the young bride says to him, "I am really impressed that a guy your age has enough juice to go for it three times. I've been with guys less than half your age who were only good for one." The old guy looks puzzled and turns to her and says, "Was I already here?"

Taking Viagra is like an attraction at Disneyland. You have to wait an hour for a three minute ride.

About to marry a woman in her 20's, Mr. Cragin, aged 85, went to a marriage counsellor and asked how he might keep his prospective bride happy. Shaking his head, the counsellor could only say: "I think you should take in a youthful border."
Several months later, the old gent returned to the counsellor and reported that his new bride was pregnant.
"I see you took my advice about the border," said the counsellor, chuckling.
"Yep," said the octogenarian, "and she's pregnant, too."

An elderly gentleman came home one night to find a homeless girl of about eighteen ransacking the place. He grabbed her by the arm and was just about to call the police when the girl dropped down on her knees and pleaded, "Please don't call the police, mister, oh please!! If you don't, I'll let you make love to me and do whatever you want with my body!"
The old man thought for a moment and decided to give in. Soon they were naked and in bed together. The old man tried hard and tried hard, but finally, he rolls over, exhausted, and embarrassed. "I'm sorry, young lady...but it's no use," he gasped. "I'm afraid I'm going to have to call the police after all."

Q. Did you hear about the guy who scheduled an appointment with an impotence clinic?
A. He had to cancel because something came up!

A man was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.
"Grandpa, what are you doing?" he exclaimed.
The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him.
"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.
The old man slyly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This was your Grandma's idea!"

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