Blondes, Brunette and Redhead Jokes
Q: Did you hear about the blonde who broke her nose on a steering wheel?
A: She was trying to blow the horn.
Q. What did the blonde’s left leg say to her right leg?
A. Between the two of us, we can make a lot of money.
Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
A. You can only fit 3 fingers in a bowling ball.
Q. What does a screen door and a blonde have in common?
A. The more you bang it, the looser it gets!
Q. What's the difference between a blonde and an ironing board?
A. Its difficult to open the legs on an ironing board.
Q. How would a blonde punctuate the following:
"Fun fun fun worry worry worry"
A. Fun period fun period fun no period worry worry worry....
Q. Why is a blonde like an old washing machine?
A. Because they both drip when they're fucked!
Q. What does a blonde say after multiple orgasms?
A. "Way to go team!"
Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a brick?
A. The brick doesn't follow you home after you lay it.
Q. Did you hear about the blonde that needed gas money?
A. She sold her car for it...
Q. What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
A. "Are you sure it's mine?"
Q. Hear about the blonde that bought an AM radio?
A. It took her a month to figure out she could play it at night too.
A highway patrolman pulled up alongside a speeding car on the freeway. As the officer peered through the driver's window, he was astounded to find that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting. The trooper cranked down his window and yelled to the driver, "Pull over!" at the top of his lungs. "No!" the blonde yelled back, "Scarf!"
What's the difference between a rooster
and a blonde?
A rooster says cock-le-dood-le-doo...
A blonde says any-cock-le-doo...
A blonde was walking down the street. A policeman was walking the opposite way.
"Hmmm," he wondered, "It looks as if that lady's right breast is hanging out of her bikini top."
As he got closer, he realized it was. He approached her. He said,
"Ma'am, do you understand your right breast is hanging out of your bikini?"
She replied, "Oh shit. I left the baby on the bus!"
A blonde driving a car became lost in a snowstorm. She didn't panic however, because she remembered what her dad had once told her.
"If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, just wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it."
Sure enough, pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty-five minutes.
Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. And she explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in a snow storm, to follow a plow. The driver nodded and said,
"Well, I'm done with the Wal-Mart parking lot, do you want to follow me over to Best Buy now?
There were these three women who
escaped from prison. A blonde and two brunettes. To get away from the cops they
hid in an abandoned farm house. In the farm house there were three burlap sacks
sitting around. So they hid in them. When the cops came to the farm house the
one of the cops saw the sacks, the officers yells, "There's just three burlap
sacks in here!" To which his partner replies, "Then kick them just to be sure
it's not them hiding".
The officer goes and kicks the one with the brunet in it and she yells, "MEEEYYOWW!" the officer said "Oh, its just a stupid cat in there." So he kicks the one with the other brunet in it and she yells, "RUUFFF RUFFF!", so the officer says, "Oh, it's just a stupid dog!" Then he kicks the sack with the blonde in it and she yells, "POTATOES!"
A blonde hurries into the emergency
room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off. "How did this
happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her.
"Well I was trying to commit suicide" the blonde replied.
"What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting your finger off???
"No silly!" the blonde said.
"First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought: I just paid $6,000.00 for these breast implants, I'm not shooting myself in the chest."
"So then?" asked the doctor.
"Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought: I just paid $3000.00 to get my teeth straightened, I'm not shooting myself in the mouth."
"Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger."
An airline captain was breaking in
a very pretty new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a stay-over
in another city, so upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the
best place for airline personnel to eat, shop, and stay the night.
The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her.
She answered the phone, sobbing, and said she couldn't get out of her room.
"You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"
The stewardess replied, "There are only three doors in here," she cried, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit
one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on "Science &
Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde
were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what, we're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. we're going at night!"
One day a blonde walked into a cookie
shop to see a small tray full of cookies. The sign said 'free sample' so she
The next day the blond was sick and could barely move. She swore revenge upon the cookie shop. She marched back to the cookie shop and burst into the cookie shop and slammed her foot. "Your cookies made me sick!" she
screamed, pointing to the 'free sample' tray.
"Oh, what are we going to do about that?" said the store clerk, as he bit his lip.
"I want my money back!" screamed the blonde.
A blonde was being interview by the
Chief of Police for an opening in the local Police Department. The chief said
that before I hire you I have to ask a few questions.
Chief: First how much is 1 and 1.
Chief: Well I guess I will accept that. Next what is the lords name?
Blonde: Yes, Our father who is in heaven, Howard be thy name!.
Chief: What 2 days of the week start with the letter T?
Blonde: Today and tomorrow!!
Chief: One more question. Who killed Abraham Lincoln?
Blonde: I don't know the answer to that question.
Chief: Well why don't you go home and work on it.
The blonde leaves the interview and goes to the local beauty parlor where she is greeted by friends who anxiously ask her how she made out in the interview. The blonde replied pretty good. First day on the job and they got me working on a murder investigation.
What happened to the blonde Ice Hockey Team? They drowned in spring training.
What did the blonde say when she
saw the sign in front of the YMCA?
"Look! They spelled MACY'S wrong."
A salesman telephoned his blonde
"Ms. Brown, our company replaced all your windows with triple-glazed models more than a year ago, and we still haven't received a single payment."
"But,", the blonde protested, "You promised me they would pay for themselves in 12 months....."
Why are blondes breasts square? Because they forgot to take the kleenex out of the box.
Why did the blonde cross the road? Never mind that - what the hell is she doing out of bed?
What does a blonde owl say? What, what?
How do you tell if you have a blonde gardener? The bushes are darker than the rest of the yard.
Why don't blondes breast feed? It hurts too bad to boil their nipples.
One day this blonde got hired for
a job, painting lines on the road. The first day on the job she painted 20 miles
of lines, the second day she painted only 15 miles, the next day 10 miles and
then the next only 5 miles. That day her boss asked her "How can you do 20 miles
of lines one day then 3 days later only do 5 miles of lines?"
"It's one long walk back to that paint can!" she replies.
The executive was interviewing a
young blonde for a position in his company. He wanted to find out something
about her personality so he asked, "If you could have a conversation with someone,
living or dead, who would it be?"
The blonde quickly responded, "The living one."
Q: How do blonde braincells die ?
Q. Why do blondes wear their hair up?
A: To catch as much as they can that is over their heads.
Q: What do a blonde and your computer have in common?
A: You don't know how much either of them mean to you until they go down on you.
Q: Why did the deaf blond sit on a newspaper?
A: So she could lip read.
Q: What do blonds and spagetthii have in common?
A: They both wriggle when you eat them.
A blonde and her 6 yr. old son were walking along a nude beach when the son asked "Mommy, why do some of the other blonde women have bigger boobies than you?" She answered "Some blondes do have bigger boobies than other blondes, and the bigger the boobies are, the dumber the blondes are." Later he asked "Mommy, why do some of the other men have bigger pee pees than Daddy?" The blonde answered " Some men do have bigger pee pees than other men, and the bigger the pee pee, the dumber the man is. Later, the young boy ran up to his Blonde mother and said "Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking the the dumbest blonde I ever saw, and the more he talked to her, the dumber Dad got!
A blonde walks out of her house, opens up her mailbox, closes it, and walks back inside. She does this two more times. Finally her neighbor asks what she's doing. the blonde says, "My damm computer won't stop saying you've got mail!"
A blonde wanted to prove to her boy friend that blondes aren't that stupid so she decided to paint the whole living room while her boyfriend was gone. When her boyfriend got home he saw her in a pool of sweat totally exhausted while wearing two jackets. Her boyfriend didn't ask why but instead read the label on the paint can which said, "for best results put on two coats."
Once there was a mirror that sucked people into it if they lied. So this brunette walked up to it and said, "I think I am the most beautiful person in the whole world . . ." and it sucked her in. Then a redhead walked up to it and said, "I think I am the most wonderful person in the whole world . . ." and it sucked her in too. Then a blonde walked up to it and said, "I think . . " and it sucked her in.
The California blonde was thinking
of taking a vacation to Hawaii. She wondered how long the flight was, so she
called Hawaiian Airlines for some information.
The busy Hawaiian Airline reservation lady answered and the blonde said: " Could you tell me how long is the flight from Los Angeles to Honolulu?"
The reservation clerk said: "Just a minute."
The blonde said; " Thank you" and hung up.
A young man in a public swimming
pool was startled when his swim suit fell off. He was in the deep end, and couldn't
find it, no matter how desperately he looked. Perplexed, he went to the shallow
end and tried to figure out what to do. As he stood there up to his chest in
water and watched the young ladies in their bikinis, he was additionally stressed
to realize that he now sported a raging hardon. Finally, he struck up a course
of action. He jumped violently out of the water and shouted loudly, "Mad dog!
Although most of the others in the pool began screaming in fear, a lusty blonde took a more direct course of action. She tore off her bikini bottoms, flattened him on the ground and straddled him yelling, "Quick! Let me muzzle that son of a bitch!"
Q: What's the difference between
a blonde and a mosquito?
A: The mosquito stops sucking when you smack it.
Q: Why do blondes where black panties?
A: To mourn the stiff they buried there the night before.
Q: Why did the blonde drive into
A: To turn the blinker off.
Q: Why did the blonde call the welfare office?
A: She wanted to know how to cook food stamps.
Q: What did the blonde say when she knocked over the priceless Ming vase?
A: It's okay daddy, I'm not hurt!
Q: How does a blonde commit suicide?
A: She puts all of her clothes into a large pile and jumps off.
Q: What is every blondes ambition in life?
A: To be like Vanna White and learn the alphabet.
Q: What can save a dying blonde?
A: Hair transplants.
Q: What was the blonde's worst school experience?
A: All 4 years of 7th grade math with Mr. Smith.
Q: How does the blonde car pool work?
A: They all meet at work at 7:45.
Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease?
A: Her IQ goes up.
Q: How did the blonde die ice fishing?
A: She was run over by the zamboni machine.
Q: Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
A: So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.
Q: Why can't blondes make ice cubes?
A: They always forget the recipe.
Q: Did you hear about the blonde who couldn't wait to see "20,000 Leagues under the sea?
A: She said that she loved baseball, and was surprised that there were so many teams.
Q: Why don't blondes make good pharmacists?
A: They can't get the bottle into the typewriter.
Q: Why did the blonde have blisters on her lips?
A: From trying to blow out lightbulbs.
A man is standing in the street saying
19,19,19,19. Then this blonde comes and asks him what he is doing he doesn't
answer he just keeps saying 19,19,19,19.
So the blonde says well I guess I'll join you. So now there both saying 19,19,19,19. Then this huge semi comes by and just runs over the blonde. Then the man starts saying 20,20,20,20.
Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A: Sit her down at a Macintosh computer & tell her to right click on something.
A Blonde girl goes to work one day
crying because she found out her mom had just died. Her boss asks her 'What's
wrong? Why are you crying?'.
She replies 'I just found out that my mom passed away'.
The Boss decides to let her have the day off but she insists on working so that she can keep her mind off her mom. A few hours later her boss decides to check on her and he goes in to her office and see's her crying histerically. He asks again 'Why are you crying?' she says 'My sister called saying that her mom died too'.
Q. How did the blonde almost die?
A. She was riding a horse & she started to hit her head on the ground so the K-MART manager shut off the merry-go-round.
A Blond goes to a company party and
wins a thermos for the doorprize. she asks her co-worker, "What's a thermos?"
He says "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold." "Oh!"
The next day at work, she brings it with her. Her boss, who is also a blond, says "What's that?" The Blond says "It's a thermos." Her boss asks her, "What's that?"
She says "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold." Her boss asks her, "What do you have in it?"
The blond says, "Two cups of coffee and a popsicle."
Why didn't the blonde change her
babys diaper for a month?
Because the package said good for up to one month.
A blonde was walking on the opposite
of the river from a brunette. The brunette yells across to the blonde, "Hey,
how do I get to the other side?"
The blonde hesitates, looks back and replies, "You ARE on the other side!"
Q: Why did the blonde put lipstick
on her forehead?
A: She was trying to make up her mind!
Q: What did the blonde do when she broke her tuperware?
A: Called the plastic surgeon.
Q: Why did the blonde smile everytime there was a flash of lightning?
A: She though someone was taking her picture.
A cop saw a blonde down on her knees
under a streetlight.
"Can I help you?" he asked.
Replied the blonde, "I dropped my diamond ring and I'm looking for it."
Asked the cop "did you drop it right here?"
"No," she responded, "I dropped it about a block away, but the light's better here."
Last summer, down on Lake Isabella,
located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, a blonde, new to boating
was having a problem. No matter how hard she tried, she just couldn't get her
brand new 22-ft Bayliner to perform. It wouldn't get on a plane at all, and
it was very sluggish in almost every manoeuvre, no matter how much power she
applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, she putted over to a nearby
marina. Maybe they could tell her what was wrong.
A thorough topside check revealed everything was in perfect working order. The engine ran fine, the outdrive went up and down, and the prop was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath the boat. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.
Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.
Two blondes were walking down the
road and the first blonde said "Look
at that dog with one eye! The other blonde covers one of her eyes and goes, "Where?"
Q: How do you make a blond laugh
on Monday mornings?
A: Tell them a joke on Friday night!
Q: Why did God create blondes?
A: Because sheep can't bring beer from the fridge.
Q: Why do blondes have see-through lunch box lids?
A: So they know if it is morning or afternoon.
Two blondes are waiting on a bus
stop, when a bus pulls up and opens the door. One of the blondes leans inside
and asks the driver: "Will this bus take me to 5th Avenue?"
The bus driver shakes his head and says, "No, I'm Sorry."
At this the other blonde leans inside, smiles & twitters, "Will it take ME?"
After noticing a beautiful young
blonde sitting on her own in a pub, a suave, sophisticated young man confidently
strolled over to the table where she was sat and said: "What can I get you,
The woman blushed & replied: "If you're sure you don't mind, I'll have a large stiff one, please."
The man smiled, casually leaned over the table, and whispered into the woman's ear: "Would that be before or after I've got the drinks?"
A blonde went to a flight school
insisting she wanted to learn to fly. As all the planes were currently in use,
the owner agreed to instruct her by radio on how to pilot the solo helicopter.
He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics, and sent
her on her way. After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in.
"I'm doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful, and I'm starting to get the hang of this."
After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was to fly. The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that she hadn't radioed in.
A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away. He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage. When he asked what happened, she said,
"I don't know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold. I can barely remember anything after I turned off the big fan!"
A blonde guy gets home early from
work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to
find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.
"What's up?" he says. "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says,
"Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!"
The guy slams the phone down & storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife & rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there's his naked brother, cowering on the closet floor.
"You rotten bastard" says the husband.
"My wife's having a heart attack & you're running around naked scaring the kids!"
This guy and a blonde are making
out feverishly in the front seat of his car. After an hour or so, he whispers
in her ear, "Do you want to move to the back seat?"
She replies, "NO!" Flabbergasted, he says, "Why Not?"
To which she replies, "Well, I want to stay up here with you. I'd be lonely back there!"
This blonde wakes up in the middle
of the night to find her house on fire. Panicked, she dials 9-1-1 and screams
"My house is on fire, you've got to come put it out".
"Okay, ma'am, could you tell us how to get there?" and she says
"Duuuh, in the big red truck!"
Q: Why do blondes wear underwear?
A: They make good ankle warmers.
Q: What do blondes do for foreplay?
A: Remove their underwear.
Q: What's the mating call of the blonde?
A: "I'm *sooo* drunk!"
Q: What is the mating call of the ugly blonde?
A: (Screaming) "I said: I'm drunk!"
Q: What's the mating call of the brunette?
A: "All the blondes have gone home!"
Q: What's the mating call of the redhead?
Q: Why do blondes like tilt steering?
A: More head room.
Q: Why do blondes drive cars with sunroofs?
A: More leg room.
Q: What does a blonde say when you blow in their ear?
A: "Thanks for the refill!"
Q: What is it called when a blonde blows in another blond's ear?
A: Data transfer.
Q: Why do blondes have more fun?
A: Because they don't know any better.
Q: Why do Blondes take the pill?
A: So they know what day of the week it is.
Q: Why did the blonde stop using the pill?
A: Because it kept falling out.
Q: Why did the blonde have a sore navel?
A: Because her boyfriend was also blond!
Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease?
A: Her IQ goes up!
Q: Whats the difference between a blonde and a Porsche?
A: You don't lend the Porsche out to your friend.
Q: What is the difference between butter and a blonde?
A: Butter is difficult to spread.
Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
A: You can only get three fingers in a bowling ball.
Q: What is the difference between a blonde and "The Titanic"?
A: They know how many men went down on "The Titanic".
Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot?
A: Bigfoot has been spotted.
A blonde walked into a hairdresser's
with a pair of headphones on and asked the hairdresser for a haircut - but "don't
touch the headphones o.k.?"
"Fine" said the hairdresser - a little taken aback - but happy for the work. Three weeks later, the same blonde returned and asked for another haircut but with the same condition,
"Whatever you do ... don't touch the headphones"
"No problem" said the hairdresser who went on to give her another good cut, considering the restraint. Three weeks later, the same thing happened.
Well, just as the hairdresser was finished, she couldn't resist and she just lifted one side of the headphones up. The blonde promptly fell stone dead on the floor of the shop.
"Oh my God - I think I've killed her" screamed the hairdresser. She picked up the headphones and put them on herself. She heard the strangest thing... "breathe in...breathe out... breathe in...breathe out."
Shortly after the 911 emergency number
became available, an elderly and quite ill blonde appeared in a Rochester hospital
emergency room, having driven herself to the hospital and barely managing to
stagger in from the parking lot. The horrified nurse said, "Why didn't you call
the 911 number and get an ambulance?"
The lady replied,"My phone doesn't have an eleven!"
A blonde, a brunette, a redhead, a vicar, a priest, a rabbi, two giraffes and a duck, a farmer, a lawyer, an accountant, an IRS agent, a Mexican, an Indian, a Chinese, an Irishman, an Englishman, a Scotsman and a redneck walk into a bar. The barman says: "Hang on a minute. What is this, some kind of joke?
A blonde and her brunette friend
were talking. "I hate all the blonde jokes people say."
"Oh, they are only jokes. There are alot of stupid people out there. Here I'll prove it to you."
So they went outside and hailed a taxi driver."Please take me to 29 Nickle Street to see if i'm home." said the brunette.
The taxi drove them and when they finally got out the brunette looked at the blonde and said."See that guy was really stupid."
"No kidding." replies the blonde,"there was a pay phone just around the corner, you could have called instead."
Two blondes were sitting in a movie
theater and the first blonde says to the second,
"The guy sitting next to me is masturbating!"
The second blonde says, "Just ignore him."
"But I can't because he's using my hand."
Q: What's the difference between
a blonde and a telephone?
A: It costs 30 cents to use a telephone.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a guy?
A: The blonde has the higher sperm count.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a limousine?
A: Not everybody has been in a limo.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a toothbrush?
A: You don't let your best friend borrow your toothbrush.
Q: What's the difference between a blond having her period and a terrorist?
A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.
Q: Why is a washing machine better than a blonde?
A: You can drop your load in a washing machine, and it won't follow you around for a week.
Q: What do blondes and cow-pats have in common ?
A: They both get easier to pick-up with age.
Q: What do blonds and spagetthii have in common?
A: They both wriggle when you eat them.
Q: Why did the deaf blond sit on a newspaper?
A: So she could lip read.
Q: How do you drown a blond?
A: Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool.
Q: How do you drown a blonde?
A: Don't tell her to swallow.
Q: Why did the blonde chick drown in the pool ?
A: Someone left a scratch and sniff at the bottom of the pool.
Q: Why do blonds have square boobs?
A: Because they forgot to take the tissues out of the box.
Q: Why does a blonde only change her baby's diapers every month?
A: Because it says right on it "good for up to 20 pounds."
Q: How did the blonde try to kill the bird?
A: She threw it off a cliff.
Q: What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear?
A: A wind tunnel.
Q: What do you call 15 blondes in a circle?
A: A dope ring.
Q: What do you call a blond with a bag of sugar on her head ?
A: Sweet Fuck All...
Q: What do you call a swimming pool full of blondes?
A: Frosted Flakes.
Q: What do you call a blonde skeleton in the closet?
A: Last year's hide-and-seek champ.
Q: What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blonde's head?
A: A Space Invader.
Q: What do you call a blonde in a tree with a brief case?
A: Branch Manager.
Q: What's a blonds' favourite rock group?
A: Air Supply.
Q: What do you see when you look into a blonde's eyes?
A: The back of her head.
Q: Why do blondes drive VW's
A: Because they can't spell PORSCHE!
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