Mike's Rude Jokes-Jokes about Work and Careers

Work & Career Jokes

Q. How do you confuse an archaeologist?
A. Give him a used tampon and ask him what period it came from.

A sweet little lady walks into a toy factory where they are making Tickle Me Elmo toys, and applies for a job. Her manager gives her the job description, and sends her off to work. After a few hours, one of her co-workers runs into the manager's office, saying
"She's nuts! She is slowing up the whole assembly line. She's got hundreds of Elmos that she won't send through. Please come and get her back to work for us."
The manager walks out of his office to see what she could possibly be doing to be holding up the line. He thought he had given her a very simple task, and couldn't understand what the problem could be. When he arrives, he sees that she is surrounded by hundreds of Elmos. She is taking each Elmo and sewing on two little fuzzy balls in the crotch area. After thinking about it for a minute, the manager looks at the other employees and starts to laugh. He takes the nice lady by the hand and says
"No, no, no, what I said was when each Elmo comes down the line, give it TWO TEST TICKLES."

My friends and I went to this "Ladies Night Club." One of the girls wanted to impress us, so she pulls out a $10 bill. The "dancer" came over to us, and my friend licked the $10 and put it on his butt cheek.

Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a $20 bill. She calls the guy back over, licks the $20 bill and puts it on his other butt cheek.

Still attempting to impress the rest of us, my other friend pulls out a $50 bill. She calls the guy back over again, licks the $50 bill and again puts it on one of his butt cheeks.

Now the attention is focused on me. What could I do to top that? I got out my wallet, thought for a minute...and then the financial analyst in me took over. I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his ass, grabbed the 80 bucks and went home.

A construction worker on the 3rd floor of a building needs a handsaw. He sees another man on the 1st floor. He yells down to him, but he can't hear, so he does sign language. To do sign language, the man on the 3rd floor points at his eye meaning "I", points at his knee meaning "need", and moves his hand back and forth in a handsaw motion.

The man on the 1st floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, and starts masturbating. The man on the 3rd floor gets so angry. He runs down to the 1st floor and says, "What the fuck is wrong with you, dumb-ass? I said I needed a handsaw!"
The other guy says, "I knew that, I was just trying to tell you I'm coming."

John was a clerk in a small drugstore but he was not much of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted. Bob, the owner, had about enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last. Just then a man came in coughing and he asked John for their best cough syrup. Try as he might John could not find the cough syrup. Remembering Bob's warning he sold the man a box of Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once. The customer did as John said and then walked outside and leaned against a lamp post.

Bob had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what had transpired. "He wanted something for his cough but I couldn't find the cough syrup. I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once" John explained.
"Ex-Lax won't cure a cough" Bob shouted angrily.
"Sure it will" John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamp post.
"Look at him. He's scared to death to cough."

A rather attractive woman gestures alluringly to the maitre de of an upscale restaurant. The man comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins gently to caress his cheek, which is slowly turning a crimson red.
"Are you the owner?" she asks, now softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no," he replies.
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him." she says, running her hands up beyond his ears and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the man, clearly aroused, "he's in the back doing paperwork right now. Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently."
Tell him," she says, "that there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room."

A 54 year old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday evening that reads:
"Dear Wife: I am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18 year old secretary."
When he arrived at the hotel there was a letter waiting for him that read as follows:
"Dear Husband: I too am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with my handsome and virile 18 year old boy toy. AND, you, being an accountant, will therefore appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18."

Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar. One complained to the other, "Boy, business sucks. If I don't sell more cars this month, I'm going to lose my fucking ass."
Then he noticed a beautiful blonde sitting two stools away. Immediately, he apologized for his bad language.
"That's okay," she said, "If I don't sell more ass this month, I'm going to lose my fucking car."

There was a boy who worked in the produce section of the market. A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, but only a half head. The boy said he would go ask his manager about the matter.
The boy walked into the back room and said, "there is some asshole out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce."
As he was finishing saying this he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman wants to buy the other half." The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way.
Later the manager called on the boy and said, "you almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on you feet and we like that around here. Where are you from, son?"
The boy replied, "Canada, sir."
"Oh really? Why did you leave Canada" asked the manager.
The boy replied, "They're all just whores and hockey players up there."
"My wife is from Canada!!"
The boy replied, "Really! What team did she play for?"

Q: What's the difference between a bandleader and a gynecologist?
A: A bandleader fucks his singers and a gynecologist sucks his fingers.

Q: What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?
A: Full

The hotel manager found a beautiful blonde maid looking rather guilty. "What is the matter, my dear?"
"Well, the man in room 1210 called down for room service, and I was sent up to his room. I walked in. He took one look at me, tore all my clothes off, and brutally horse fucked me right on the floor."
"Oh," consoled the manager, "you must be feeling terrible."
"I am. I never even found out what it was he wanted."

This Guy who owns a porno shop and has his friend watch the store while he runs some errands. While the owner is away in walks this lady. She walks up to the counter and asks, "How much for that pink dildo up on the shelf"
The guy replies $25.
She said "I'll take it"

A few minutes later in walks this brunette. She walks up to the counter and says "How much for that purple dildo up on the shelf.
The guy replies $50. She said "I'll take it".

A while later in walks this blonde. Her eyes got as big as saucers. She walked up to the counter and asked "How much for that big silver dildo on the shelf" The guy replies $100. She pays him and leaves.

In walks the owner and asks how was business, and his friend replies "I sold the pink dildo for $25, I sold the purple dildo for $50, Then I sold your THERMOS for a $100".

A man walked into a greasy spoon and ordered a hamburger. He watched as the slovenly, shirtless cook grabbed a fistful of raw meat, crammed it under his arm and began flapping his arm until it took the shape of a patty.
"Ooooo! That's gross!" shouted the customer.
"Hah! You think that's bad?" the cook retorted, "You ought to see how I make glazed doughnuts!"