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Jokes about Medical Problems and Doctors

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.
He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress."
"If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die. Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly. Make love with him many times a week & satisfy his every whim."
"If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"
"You're going to die," she replied.

Mrs. Cohn went to see her doctor. When he inquired about her complaint she replied that she suffered from a discharge. Said he: Get undressed, Mrs. Cohn, and lie down on the examining table. She did, whereupon the doctor put on rubber gloves and began to massage her "private parts."
After a couple of minutes he asked: How does that feel?
Wonderful, she replied, but the discharge is from the ear.

From K. Duncan
A woman goes to the doctor saying she doesn't feel well . The doctor looks her over and tells her he will take a blood sample and to go home and rest for a week then come back and see him.
After a week she goes back to see him, he asks her how she is and she replies, "I feel really bad."
He replies. "I have bad news for you, you have VD."
She says, "I must have caught it off a toilet seat"
The doctor says, "You must have been chewing it then, cause the VD's in your gums"

A doctor's phone rang at home at three o'clock in the morning. Sleepily he answered "Hello?"
A very frantic woman said, "Doctor, our baby just swallowed a condom."
The Doctor said, "Take him to the hospital and I'll meet you in 10 minutes."
He started putting on his clothes and was just getting ready to walk out the door, when the phone rang again. He answered "Hello?"
A very calm voice on the other end of the line said, "That's alright Doctor, never mind - we found another one."

Howard had felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear that soothing voice trying to reassure him -
"Howard. Don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients and you won't be the last."
But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality -
"Howard. You're a veterinarian."

A big shot business man had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him. The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature."
After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.
"No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I cannot use an oral thermometer." This started another round of complaining, buteventually he rolled over and bared his rear end.
After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce,
"I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"
She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door laughing. After almost an hour, the man's doctor comes into the room. "What's going on here?" asked the doctor.
Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?" After a pause, the doctor confesses, "Well, no. I guess I haven't. Not with a carnation anyway."

An older gent had an appointment to see a urologist who shared an office with several other doctors. The waiting room wasfilled with patients. He approached the receptionist desk. The receptionist was a large imposing woman who looked like a wrestler. He gave her his name. In a VERY LOUD VOICE the receptionist said,
All of the patients in the waiting room snapped their head around to look at the very embarrassed man. He recovered quickly though, and in an equally loud voice replied,

A woman is in her doctor's office, and suddenly shouts out"Doctor, kiss me!" The Doctor looks at her and says "It's against the code ofethics to kiss you." About 20 minutes later the woman again shouts out "Doctor, please, kiss me just once!" Again he refuses, apologetically, and says "As a doctor I simply cannot kiss you." Finally, another 15 minutes pass, and the woman pleads with her doctor; "Doctor, Doctor, please kiss me just once!" "Look" he says, "I am sorry. I just CANNOT kiss you. In fact, I probably shouldn't even be screwing you right now."

A woman went to the doctors office and said, "Doctor, I've got a bit of a problem. But, I'll have to take my clothes off to show you."
The doctor told her to go behind the screen and disrobe. She did and the doctor went around to see her when she was ready.
"Well, what is it?" he asked.
"It's embarrassing," she replied. "These 2 green circles have appeared on the inside of my thighs." The doctor examined her and finally admited he had no idea what the cause was. Suddenly, the doctor asks, "Does your husband wear earrings?"
"Why, yes, doctor, he does.""Tell him they're not real gold."

At a gynecologists' convention Dr. Goldfinger began to read his paper on "The Variation of the Clitoris".
"One of the most unusual cases I ever came across," he told his audience, "was a clitoris that had a close resemblance to a watermelon."
Dr. Goldfinger was interrupted by another doctor, who said that he might have been examining an enlarged organ but to compare it to a watermelon would indeed be frivolous.
Goldfinger stared him down and replied: "I wasn't refering to size but to taste."

A lady went to see her doctor for her yearly exam and everything was fine. The Doctor asked if she had any questions or concerns. She said yes, my husband wants to anal sex with me, what should I be concerned about?
The Doctor responded by saying cleanliness was important but of utmost importance is birth control. The lady responded, with a bewildered look on her face, by saying you can't get pregnant by anal sex can you.
The Doctor said yes, where do you think lawyers come from!

A beautiful young girl is about to undergo a minor operation. She's laid on a hospital trolley bed with nothing on, except a sheet over her. The nurse pushes the trolley down the corridor towards the operating theatre, where she leaves the girl on the trolley outside, while she goes in to check whether everything is ready.

A young man wearing a white coat approaches, lifts the sheet up and starts examining her naked body. He puts the sheet back and then walks away and talks to another man in a white coat.

The second man comes over, lifts the sheet and does the same examinations. When a third man does the same thing, but more closely, she grows impatient and says: "All these examinations are fine and appreciated, but when are you going to start the operation?" The man in the white coat shrugged his shoulders: "I have no idea. We're just painting the corridor."

An old man walks into a doctor's office and demanded the quack have a look at his dick.
"Why, what's wrong with it?" the doc asked.
"I'll show you", the oldie yelled, and dropped his trousers. His dick was the size of a jellybean, and the doctor couldn't help himself. He burst out laughing.
"It's nothing to laugh at," complained the old man, close to tears.
"It's been swollen like that for the last three days!"

An old woman came into her doctor's office and confessed to an embarrassing problem. "I fart all the time, Doctor Johnson, but they're silent, and they have no odour. In fact, since I've been here, I've farted no less than twenty times. What can I do?"

"Here's a prescription, Mrs. Harris. Take these pills three times a day for seven days and comeback and see me in a week."

Next week an upset Mrs. Harris marched into Dr. Johnson's office. "Doctor, I don't know what was in those pills, but the problem is worse! I'm farting just as much, but now they smell terrible! What do you have to say for yourself?".

"Calm down, Mrs.Harris," said the doctor soothingly. "Now that we've fixed your sinuses, we'll work on your hearing."

The doctor had just completed his examination of the gorgeous redhaired beauty. "I would suggest to you, young lady," began the medic, as he regained some of his professional dignity, "that you discontinue some of your running around. Stop drinking so much, cut down on your smoking, and above all you will have to start eating properly and getting to bed early."
Then, as a pleasant afterthought, he added: "Why not have dinner with me tonight? I'll see to it that you have the proper food and that you'll be in bed by 9:00!"

What does pizza delivery man and a gynaecologist have in common?
Both can smell it but can't eat it

A guy goes to the doctor and the doctor says, "I'm going to need a urine sample, a semen sample, a blood sample and a stool sample." The guy says, "Listen Doc, I'm in a hurry. Can I just leave my shorts?"

After having their 10th child, an Arkansas couple decided that that was enough. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor told the man that he was to go home, get a cherry bomb, put it in a can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Arky said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a can next to my ear is going to help me."

So the couple drove to Missouri to get a second opinion. The doctor was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed they were from Arkansas. This doctor also told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, place it in a tin can, hold it next to his ear and count to 10.

Figuring that both doctors couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count. "1, 2, 3, 4, 5...", at which point he paused, placed the can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.

A man walked into a doctor's office. What do you have?" the receptionist asked him.
"Shingles, "he replied.
She told him to sit down. Soon a nurse called him and asked, "What do you have?"
"Shingles," he replied.
She took his blood pressure, weight, and complete medical history. Then she took him to a room, told him to remove all of his clothes, and left.
After a few minutes the Doctor came in and asked, "What do you have?"
"Shingles," the man told him.
The Doctor looked him up and down and asked, "Where? I don't see them."
"Out on the truck.
Where do you want me to unload them?"

"Doc, I think my son has VD," a patient told his urologist on the phone.
"The only woman he's screwed is our maid."
"Ok, don't be hard on him. He's just a kid," the medic soothed. "Get him in here right away and I'll take care of him."
"But, Doc. I've been screwing the maid too and I've got the same symptoms he has," said the man.
"Then you come in with him and I'll fix you both up."
"I think my wife has it too."
"Son of a bitch!" the physician roared. "That means we've all got it!"

After marrying a young beautiful girl, a ninety year old man told his doctor that they were expecting a child.
"Let me tell you a story," said the doctor.
"There was an absent minded fellow who went hunting one day, and instead of taking a gun, brought his umbrella. Before he realized his error, a bear charged him. He aimed his umbrella at the bear, shot and killed him on the spot."
"That`s impossible!", the geezer exclaimed.
"Somebody else must have shot that bear!"
"Exactly!", replied the doctor.

The doc told his patient that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act.
The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it,"
He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway.

He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate.
He closed his eyes and thought of his lover.
As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants.
Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?"
He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?"
"I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted."
"Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there, because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."

A man went into the proctologist's office for his first exam. The doctor told him to have a seat in the examination room and that he would be with him in just a few minutes.
When the man sat down in the examination room, he noticed that there were three items on a stand next to the doctor's desk: a tube of K-Y jelly, a rubber glove, and a beer.
When the doctor came in, the man said, "Look Doc, this is my first exam...I know what the K-Y is for... and I know what the glove is for... but what's the BEER for?"
At this instant, the doctor became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door. The doc flung the door open and yelled to his nurse, "Dammit, nurse!
I said a BUTT LIGHT!!!"

Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Nancy.
"She's incredibly mixed up," said one doctor.
"She does everything absolutely backwards. Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of morphine every 10 hours.
She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He damn near died on us!"
The second doctor said, "That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours.
She tries to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy damn near exploded!"
Suddenly, they hear this blood-curdling scream from down the hall.
"Oh my God!", said the first doctor,
"I just realized I told Nurse Nancy to prick Mr. Smith's boil!"

The nurse was walking down the hospital corridor when her supervisor spotted her.
The supervisor couldn't believe it: The nurses hair was unkempt, her dress wrinkled, and to top off her overall dishevelment, one of her breasts was hanging out of the open front of her uniform!
"MISS JENNINGS! How can you account for parading around the hospital not only looking like a derelict, but with your breast exposed!"
"Oh," said the nurse, as she stuffed her breast into her uniform,
"It's those darn interns! They NEVER put anything back when they're through using it!"

There's a woman in a hospital in a coma. Her nurse notices after a few days that every time she sponge bathes the woman around the crotch, her vital signs, according to the nearby monitor, increase significantly.
The nurse gets the bright idea that oral sex might just provide the stimulus to bring the woman out of her coma.
She calls the woman's husband, tells him her idea about oral sex, and he agrees. When he arrives at the hospital, the nurse ushers him into the room, closes the curtain around the bed, and closes the door.
Five minutes later, the man comes running out of the room screaming that all of his wife's vital signs have plummeted to zero and she needs a doctor immediately.
The nurse, upset that her idea had not only not worked, but seemed to be threatening the life of the woman she had sought to save, asked the man what had happened.
"I'm not sure, but I think she choked".

A young girl is getting married, so she goes to her doctor to find out which contraceptive she should use. After a lengthy discussion with him she decides on the diaphragm. After 2 weeks of marriage, she comes back to the doctor & says she must be dying or something.
"What seems to be the problem?" asks the doctor.
"Well, I seem to have this awful discharge down there."
"Are you using the diaphragm like I told you?"
"Yes, every time I have intercourse," she replies.
"And what kind of jelly are you using?"

A doctor is doing routine breast examinations at a college. The first girl comes in, takes off her blouse, and as she does, the doctor notices that the girl has a red "H" imprinted in her stomach. After the examination, the doctor asks the girl how the H came about.
"Well," she says, "my boyfriend is from Harvard, and he's so proud of the school that he never takes off his Harvard sweater, even when we make love." 'Fair enough' thinks the doctor as the girl leaves.

But the doctor is surprised when the next girl takes off her blouse and has the same thing, except hers is a red "Y". Again the doctor asks how it came about. "Well," she says, "my boyfriend is from Yale, and he's so proud of the school that he never takes off his Yale sweater, even when we make love." The doctor is fascinated by this.

The next girl enters, takes off her blouse and the doctor sees that on her stomach is a red M. "Ah, " says the doctor, "A boyfriend in Michigan?" "No," replies the girl, "A girlfriend in Wisconsin. Why do you ask?"

A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to a gynecologist. The doctor takes one look at this woman and all his professionalism goes out the window. Right away he tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her thigh. As he does this he says to the woman, "Do you know what I'm doing?" "Yes," she says, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities." "That is correct," says the doctor. He then begins to fondle her breasts.
"Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asks.
"Yes," says the woman, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer."
"That's right," replies the doctor. He then begins to have sexual intercourse with the woman. He says to her, "Do you know what I'm doing now?" "Yes," she says. "You're getting herpes."

A man ran into his doctor's office one day, all excited. The nurse asked him what was the matter. "I have something wrong with my pecker," replied the man.
The nurse told him that he couldn't enter the office yelling things about his private parts & requested that he go back outside, enter the office again & say he had something wrong with, say, his ear. The patient went outside and returned.
"I have something wrong with my ear."
"And what exactly is wrong with it?"
"I can't piss out of it," came the man's reply.

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