Jokes about Medical Problems and DoctorsWent to the dentist today and he told me I had to stop touching myself.
A very attractive young woman goes
to the doctor for an examination. After thoroughly examining her, the Doctor
"You are in excellent health except for those bruises on your knees. They seem to be developing into calluses. Can you tell me where they are coming from?"
The young woman starts to blush and says" I guess they have to do with my sexual activity. Whenever we make love we do it doggie style.
"Well that should be easy to take care of" the Doctor says "Surely you must know other ways to have sexual intercourse!"
"Oh! Yes, I do," says the woman, "but the dog doesn't!"
The woman seated herself in the psychiatrist's
"What seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked.
"Well, I, uh," she stammered. "I think I, uh, might be a nymphomaniac."
"I see," he said. "I can help you, but I must advise you that my fee is $80 an hour."
"That's not bad," she replied.
"How much for all night?"
During a routine physical, a doctor
tells his patient to drop his pants. After the examination, the doctor says
to the man, "You have the filthiest balls I've ever seen!"
The guy goes home to his wife & says, "I want to talk to you about something."
She replies, "Not now, I've been so busy lately that I haven't had time to wipe my ass!"
He says, "That's what I want to talk to you about."
An eighty-year-old man was having
an annual physical. As the doctor was listening to his heart with the stethoscope,
he began muttering, "Oh oh!"
The man asked the doctor, "What's the problem?"
"Well," said the doc, "you have a serious heart murmur. Do you smoke?"
"No," replied the man.
"Do you drink in excess?"
"No." replied the man.
"Do you have a sex life?"
"Yes, I do!"
"Well," said the doc, "I'm afraid with this heart murmur, you'll have to give up half your sex life."
Looking perplexed, the old man said, "Which half - the looking or the thinking?"
A young girl was at the doctor's
for a checkup:
"By the way, Doctor, my boyfriend has dandruff. Is there anything you might suggest?"
"Why don't you just give him Head & Shoulders?"
After a short pause, "How do you give shoulders?"
Supposed True Stories
A man comes into the ER and yells "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" The ER physician grabs his stuff, rushes out to the cab, lifts the lady's dress, and begins to take off her underwear. Suddenly he notices that there are several cabs, and he's in the wrong one.
A nurse at the beginning of the shift
places her stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior
chest wall. "Big breaths," instructed the nurse.
"Yes, they used to be," remorsed the patient.
I was performing a complete physical,
including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the
chart and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand."
He read the 20/20 line perfectly.
"Now your left."
Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.
A nurses' aide was helping a patient into the bathroom when the patient exclaimed, "You're not coming in here with me. This is only a one-seater!"
During a patient's two week follow-up
appointment with his cardiologist, he informed his doctor that he was having
trouble with one of his medications.
"Which one?", asked the doctor.
"The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!"
The doctor had him quickly undress and discovered what he hoped he wouldn't see...Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
And of course, the best is saved
for last. A nurse caring for a woman from Kentucky asked,
"So how's your breakfast this morning?"
"It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied.
The nurse asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."
A 28-year old male was brought into the ER after an attempted suicide. The man had swallowed several nitroglycerin pills and a fifth of vodka. When asked about the bruises about his head and chest he said that they were from him ramming himself into the wall in an attempt to make the nitroglycerin explode.
A 50-year old woman came into the ER with a complaint of mild abdominal pain. During a pelvic exam the doctor found that the lady had inserted a whole chicken piece by piece into her vagina. Unable to have children she was hoping that the chicken would turn into a baby.
A man in his mid-fifties did a Lorrena Bobbit on himself in a drunken rage and ended up in the ER. The urologist thought that he could reattach the mans genitalia if it could be recovered and if it was in good condition.
The police were dispatched to the man's house and the search was on. During the search, one of the officers heard a choking sound coming from the man's poodle that was sitting in the corner. After a brief fight, the officer was able to retrieve the man's jewels from the dog's mouth. After inspection of the parts by the urologist it was decided that the man would need to be taught to pee while sitting. The officer was given a commendation from his precinct for medical assistance.
A woman with shortness of breath and who weighed approximately 500 lbs was dragged into the ER on a tarp by six firemen. While trying to undress the lady an asthma inhaler fell out of one of the folds under her arm. After an X-ray showed a round mass on the left side of her chest her massive left breast was lifted to find a shiny new dime. And last but not least during a pelvic exam a TV remote control was discovered in one of the folds of her crotch. She became known as "The Human Couch".
A doctor who spoke limited Spanish was rushed to a car in the ER parking lot to find a Spanish woman in the process of giving birth. Wanting to tell the woman to push he started yelling "Puta! Puta! Puta!" At this the grandmother started to cry and the baby's father had to be restrained. What the doctor should have been saying was "Puja!" (Push!). Instead, he was saying, "Whore! Whore! Whore!"
An unconscious 36-year old male was brought to the ER with cocaine induced seizures. As a nurse pulled back his foreskin to insert a catheter, a neatly folded twenty dollar bill fell out of the foreskin fold. When the man woke up and demanded to leave, the nurse gave him back his belongings and told him where she had found the money. His response: "It was a fifty, bitch!"
An elderly woman came into the ER complaining, "I got the green vines in my virginny". A pelvic exam verified that she did, indeed, have a six inch vine growing out of her vagina. Further inspection revealed that she had a mass in her vaginal vault. It was easily removed and looked very much like a potato. It was, indeed, a potato. The patient said that her uterus was falling out and that she "put a potato in there to hold it up" and then forgot about it.
A male adolescent came in at 2 a.m. with a complaint of belly button lint.
A young female came to the ER with
lower abdominal pain. During the exam and questioning, the female denied being
sexually active. The doctor gave her a pregnancy test anyway and it came back
positive. The doctor went back to the young female's room.
Doctor: "The results of your pregnancy test came back positive. Are you sure you're not sexually active?"
Patient: "Sexually active? No, sir, I just lay there."
Doctor: "I see. Well, do you know who the father is?"
Patient: "No. Who?"
A 15-year old boy was laying on a stretcher with his mother sitting next to him. The boy was coming down from "crank" (methamphetamine) that he had injected into his veins with needles he had been sharing with his friends. Concerned about this, the doctor asked the boy if there was anything he might have been doing that put him at risk for AIDS. The boy thought for a while then said questioningly, "I've been screwing the dog?"
A 19-year old female was asked why she was in the ER. She said that she and her boyfriend were having sex and the condom came off and she wasn't able to retrieve it with her fingers. "Then I went to the bathroom and 'gagged' myself to vomit, but couldn't vomit it up either."
A doctor and his wife were having
a big argument at breakfast.
"You aren't so good in bed either!" he shouted and stormed off to work. By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone.
"What took you so long to answer?"
"I was in bed."
"What were you doing in bed this late?"
"Getting a second opinion."
A man went to the doctor complaining
of insomnia. The doctor gave him a thorough examination, found absolutely nothing
physically wrong with him, and then told him,
"Listen, if you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you just have to stop taking your troubles to bed with you."
"I know" said the man, "but I can't. My wife refuses to sleep alone."
A woman went to the doctor asking
for bigger breasts. The doctor gave her the choice of either having an implant
or wearing a special bra. The doctor explained,
"When you flap your arms up and down, the bra inflates."
Of course, the woman chose the bra. The next day she went to a bar to try the new bra out. She saw an attractive man sitting at the bar. Flapping her arms, she strolled over to flirt with the man and he started flapping his legs.
"I see we have the same doctor," said the man.
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