Little Johnny's mom asked little Johnny if he had enjoyed the field trip. "Yes it was great - we saw sheep, horses, goats, and fuckers."
Mom: "Er, fine, fine. I know what the sheep and the rest are, but what is a fucker?"
Johnny: "Oh, they're the animals
that give us milk and steaks"
Mom: "But who said they were called, er, fuckers?"
Johnny: "That was our teacher. She called them 'effers,' but we all knew what she meant."
High School Vs. College
In high school, you do homework. In college, you study.
No food is allowed in the hall in high school. In college, food must be provided at an event before students will come.
In high school, you wear your backpack on one shoulder; in college, on both.
In college, the professors can tell you the answer without looking at the teacher's guide.
In college, there are no bells or tardy slips.
In high school, you have to live with your parents. In college, you get to live with your friends.
In college, you don't have to wait in a certain lunch line to be cool.
Only nerds e-mailed in high school. (Cool kids hadn't heard of it.)
In high school, you're told what classes to take. In college, you get to choose; that is, as long as the classes don't conflict, you have the prerequisites, the classes aren't closed & you've paid your tuition.
In high school, if you screw up, you can usually sweet-talk your way out of it. In college, you're lucky to ever talk with the professor.
In high school, fire drills are planned by the administration; in college, by the drunk frat boys on their way home when the bars close.
In college, any test consists of a larger percentage of your grade than your high school final exams ever did.
In high school, when the teacher said, "Good morning," you mumbled back. In college, when the professor says, "Good morning," you write it down.
In high school, freshman guys hit on senior girls. In college, senior guys hit on freshman girls.
In college, weekends start on Thursday.
In college, it's much more difficult to figure out the course schedule of the man/woman you have a crush on in order to figure out where he/she will be walking around campus and at what time to find them there.
Once you've obtained the information described in #16, it's much more time-consuming to run between classes to that place where you know he/she will be in order to "just happen to bump into him/her."
In college, there's no one to tell you not to eat pizza three meals a day.
In college, your dad doesn't pay for dates.
In high school, it never took 3 or 4 weeks to get money from Mom and Dad.
College men are cuter than high school boys.
College women are legal.
In college, when you miss a class (or two or three), you don't need a note from your parents saying you were skip....uh, sick that day.
In high school, you can't go out to lunch because it's not allowed. In college, you can't go out to lunch because you can't afford it.
In college, you can blow off studying by writing lists like this.
The teacher gave her fifth grade
class an assignment:
Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess"
"And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!" "Very good," said the teacher.
"Johnny do you have a story to share?"
"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my Uncle Bob. Uncle Bob was a pilot in Vietnam and his plane got hit. He had to bail out over enemy territory and all he had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and machete. He drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break & then he landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. He killed seventy of them with the machine gun until he ran out of bullets, then he killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke and then he killed the last ten with his bare hands."
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"
"Don't fuck with Uncle Bob when he's been drinking."
A first grader comes home and announces
to his father that he had sex with his teacher. Well, his father's chest just
swells with pride and he says to his son,
"I was a freshman in college before I had sex with my teacher. I'm very proud of you son. You know that bicycle that you've been wanting for so long? I'm going to take you out and buy it for you today!"
His son says, "Well if it's all the same to you dad, I'd rather go tommorrow. My butt's still sore."
Little Johnny goes to
school, and the teacher says
"Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"
Little Johnny waves his hand, "Me, miss, me, me!"
Teacher says "All right, little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable word?"
Little Johnny says "Mas-tur-bate."
Teacher smiles and says "Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful."
Little Johnny says "No, miss, you're thinking of a blowjob. I'm talking about a wank."
A teacher noticed that a little boy
at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch and not
paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite
embarrassed and whispered thathe had just recently been circumcised and he was
quite itchy. The teacher told him go down to the principal's office, he was
to phone his mother, and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and he
returned to the classroom, where he sat down in his seat.
Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out.
"I thought I told you to call your mom." she screamed.
"I did," he said, "And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school...
Little Johnny comes home from school
with a note from his teacher, indicating that
"Johnny seems to be having some difficulty with the differences between boys and girls," and would his mother, "please sit down and have a talk with Johnny about this."
So Johnny's mother takes him quietly, by the hand, upstairs to her bedroom, and closes the door.- First, Johnny, I want you to take off my blouse... so he unbuttons her blouse and takes it off.
Ok, now take off my skirt...and he takes off her skirt. Now take off my bra...which he does.
And now, Johnny, please take off my panties and when Johnny finishes removing those, she says,
"Johnny, PLEASE don't wear any of my clothes to school any more!"
The kindergartners were now in first
grade. Their teacher wanted them to be more grown up since they were no longer
in kindergarten. She told them to use grown up words instead of baby words.
She then asked them to tell her what they did during the summer. The first little
one said he went to see his Nana. The teacher said,
"No, no, you went to see your Grandmother. Use the grown up word."
The next little one said she went for a trip on a choo-choo. The teacher again said,
"No, no, you went on a trip on a train. That's the grown up word."
Then the teacher asked the third little one what he did during the summer. He proudly stated that he read a book. The teacher asked what book he had read. He puffed out his chest and in a very adult way replied,
"Winnie the Shit."
Joey's teacher sent a note home to
his Mother saying, "Joey seems to be a very bright boy, but spends too much
of his time thinking about sex and girls."
The Mother wrote back the next day, "If you find a solution, please advise. I have the same problem with his Father."
The teacher in Johnny's school asked
the class what their parents did for a living. One little girl said her father
was a doctor, another said her mother was an engineer. When it was Little Johnny's
turn, he stood up and said "My mom's a whore."
Naturally, he got sent off to the principal's office. Then, 15 minutes later, he returned. So the teacher asked "Did you tell the principal what you said in class?"
Johnny said, "Yes."
"Well, what did the principal say?"
"He said that every job is important in our economy, gave me an apple and asked for my phone number..."
A teacher asks her class if anyone
could use the word 'indefinitely' in a sentence. Well, Little Johnny has his
hand raised in the back of the class.
But the teacher knows he's a trouble maker and that he doesn't know the answer, so she calls on Jim. Jim replies, "Due to the weather, school was canceled indefinitely."
"Good" the teacher replies.
"What about you Jenny?"
Jenny says, "Since the bus broke down, transportation was stopped indefinitely."
The teacher then says that the sentence was too much like the other one, and she asks if anyone can use it in a different way. So there's Little Johnny waving his hand. And the teacher thinks...(Maybe he really does know the answer), so she calls on him. Johnny stands up and says,
"As I felt my balls slap off her ass, I knew that I was in definitely!"
The dean of women at an exclusive
girl's college was lecturing her students on sexual morality. "In moments of
temptation," said the speaker to the class, "ask yourself just one question:
Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?" A sweet young thing in the
back of the room rose to ask:
"How do you make it last an hour?",
Sister Catherine is asking all the
Catholic school children in fourth grade what they want to be when they grow
up. Little Sheila says: "When I grow up, I want to be a prostitute!"
Sister Catherine's eyes grow wide and she barks: "What the hell did you say?"
"A prostitute!" Sheila repeats. Sister Catherine breathes a sight of relief and says:
"Thank God! I thought you said a Protestant"
The teacher asked the students to
come to the board and draw something that caused excitement at their house recently.
The first kid draws a puppy and says that their dog just had puppies and that
The next kid drew a car and said that dad had gotten a new car and everyone was excited about that.
When Little Johnny's turn came, he went to the board and made two dots. The teacher asked him what was so exciting about two dots.
"Those aren't dots," Little Johnny said,
"Those are periods and my sister is missing two of hers and boy has it caused excitement at out house!"
A teacher cautiously approaches the
subject of sex education with her fourth grade class because she realizes Little
Johnny's propensity for sexual innuendo. But Johnny remains attentive throughout
the entire lecture.
Finally, towards the end of the lesson, the teacher asks for examples of sex education from the class.
One little boy raises his hand, "I saw a bird in her nest with some eggs."
"Very good, William," cooed the teacher.
"My mommy had a baby," said little Esther. "Oh, that's nice," replied the teacher.
Finally, Little Johnny raises his hand. With much fear and trepidation, the teacher calls on him.
"I was watchin' TV yesterday, and I saw the Lone Ranger. He was surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of Indians. And they all attacked at one time. And he killed every one of them with his two guns."
The teacher was relieved but puzzled,
"And what does that have to do with sex education, Johnny?"
"It'll teach those Indians not to fuck with the Lone Ranger."
The teacher asked her class in junior
school what part of the body went to heaven first. Little Mary answered that
it was the mind, because you needed a mind to believe in God. The teacher praised
Mary and noticed that Tommy was waiting to answer.
His reply was that it was the heart which went first, because God is all about love.
Steven was also waiting with his hand raised. When the teacher asked him for his reply he said that he thought it was the feet which went to heaven first. The teacher asked for his reasoning for this supposition.
Steven replied that he had walked past his parents open bedroom door last night and had seen his mum with her feet in the air, and she was shouting, "Oh, God I'm coming."
It is near the end of the school
year. The teacher has turned in her grades. There is really nothing to do and
all the kids are restless. The teacher says, "Whoever answers the questions
I ask first and correctly can leave early today."
Little Johnny says to himself, "Good, I want to get outta here, I'm smart and will answer the question".
The teacher asked, "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?
Before Johnny could open his mouth, Jay said, "Abraham Lincoln".
The teacher said, "That's right Jay. You can go". Johnny was MAD.
The teacher asked, "Who said, 'I Have a Dream'?" Before Johnny could open his mouth, Mary said, "Martin Luther King".
The teacher said, "That's right Mary. You can go". Johnny was even MADDER than before.
The teacher asked, "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?" Before Johnny could open his mouth, Carol said, "John Kennedy". The teacher said, "That's right Carol. You can go". Johnny was BOILING MAD.
Then the teacher turned her back, and Johnny said,
"I wish these women would keep their mouths shut".
The teacher asked, "WHO SAID THAT?"
Johnny said, "BILL CLINTON, CAN I GO NOW?"
On the first day of school, the teacher
said "Good morning class. I will go through the alphabet and say each letter.
If you know a word that starts with that letter raise your hand and if I call
on you, you say the word.
All right the first letter is 'A'." Johnny Badass is the only kid who raises his hand.
The teacher picks him and he says "Asshole".
The teacher is a bit upset by this word, but Johnny says it starts with the letter 'A'. "O.K. class the next letter is 'B'."
Again Johnny is the only kid who raises his hand so she picks him and he says "Bitch".
The teacher is now mad, but Johnny says "It starts with 'B' and I was the only kid that raised his hand."
Well the teacher decides to let it pass and continues with the alphabet.
For the letter 'C' again Johnny is the only kid to raise his hand. She doesn't pick him ( knowing he will say 'cunt') so picks Sally instead. Sally doesn't know a 'C' word so the teacher gives her a hint,
"Sally do you have a pet that says 'meow'?"
Sally smiles and says "Cat". "Good work Sally.
The teacher continues through the alphabet. At each word Johnny is the only kid with his hand up but she skips him and calls on the other kids. They are all dumb and need help to get the words.
The teacher is getting tired of the dumb kids, so when she gets to 'R' she thinks to herself,
"There are no nasty words that start with 'R' maybe I should call on Johnny again."
He is the only kid raising his hand so she picks him. Johnny says "Rat. A big fucking rat"
The teacher called on Johnny to solve
the next question. "There are 3 ducks sitting on a fence", she said, "and the
farmer comes out and shoots one of them. How many are still on the fence?. "
Johnny thinks a second and says "none". The Teacher asked him how he figured that.
"Well, he said, when the farmer shot the first duck, the noise scared the other 2 and they flew away".
The teacher said "That's not really the answer I was looking for but I like your thinking".
Then Johnny says "Now can I ask you one?". The teacher said okay.
Johnny says "There are 3 women with an ice cream cone in their hands. One is chewing it, one is biting it and one is licking it. Which one is married?.
The teacher said, "Why, the one that's licking it" to which Johnny answered "Wrong. It's the one with the wedding ring on, but I like your thinking..."
A teacher was wrapping up class,
and started talking about tomorrow's final exam. He said there would be no excuses
for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate
family member's death.
One smart ass, male student said, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?", and the whole classroom burst into laughter. After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student, and said, "
Not an excuse, you can use your other hand to write."
A lecturer teaching medicine was
tutoring a class on 'Observation'. He took out a jar of yellow-colored liquid.
"This", he explained, "is urine.
To be a doctor, you have to be observant to color, smell, sight, and taste." After saying this, he dipped his finger into the jar and put it into his mouth. His class watched on in amazement, most, in disgust.
But being the good students that
they were, the jar was passed, and one by one, they dipped one finger into the
jar and then put it into their mouth.
After the last student was done, the lecturer shook his head. "If any of you had been observant, you would have noticed that I put my 2nd finger into the jar and my 3rd finger into my mouth."
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