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Education Jokes

It was the first day of school and a new student named Suzuki, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade. The teacher said, "Let’s begin by reviewing some American history."
Who said “Give me Liberty, or give me Death?”
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Suzuki, who had his hand up.
“Patrick Henry, 1775,” he said.
“Very good! Who said ‘Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth’”?
“Abraham Lincoln, 1863,” said Suzuki.
The teacher snapped at the class, “Class, you should be ashamed. Suzuki, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do.”
She heard a loud whisper: “Screw the Japs.” “Who said that?” she demanded.
Suzuki put his hand up. “Lee Iacocca, 1982.”
At that point, a student in the back said, “I’m gonna puke.”
The teacher glares and asks “All right! Now, who said that?”
Again, Suzuki says, “George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.”
Now furious, another student yells, “Oh yeah? Suck this!”
Suzuki jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher,
“Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!”
Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said, “You little shit. If you say anything else, I’ll kill you.”
Suzuki frantically yells at the top of his voice, “Gary Condit to Chandra Levy 2001.”
The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said,
“Oh shit, we’re in BIG trouble!
And Suzuki said, “The Taliban! 2001!

One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice. First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with,
"My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."
"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher.

She then called on little Michael. "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully," he said.
"Excellent, Michael!"

Then, the teacher called on little Johnny. "Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, ......just fucking beautiful!'"

"What's the difference between a nail, a screw and a bolt ?" the woodwork teacher asked the only girl in the class during the first day of school. She pondered the question for a moment, then replied,
"Well, I can't rightly say as I know, 'cause I ain't never been 'bolted'."

Sue and Sally meet at their 30th class reunion, and they haven't seen each other since graduation. They begin to talk and bring each other up to date. The conversation covers their husbands, their children, homes, etc and finally gets around to their sex lives.

Sue says "It's OK. We get it on every week or so but it's no big adventure, how's yours?"

Sally replies "It's just great, ever since we got into S&M."
Sue is aghast. "Really Sally, I never would have guessed that you would go for that."
"Oh, sure," says Sally, "He snores while I masturbate."

Mr. Flanagan was teaching his biology class, and quizzing them on last nights reading assignment.

"Shannon, can you tell me which organ in the human body can expand to several times its normal size?" asked Mr. Flanagan

Shannon giggled as if she were thinking of something unmentionable in class.
"Sean, can you tell me?" asked Mr. Flanagan.
"The Eye," said Sean.
"That's right," and Mr. Flanagan continued, "Shannon, I'll tell you three things that are for sure."
"First, you did not do your reading last night and that's for sure."
"Second, you have a very dirty mind, and that's for sure."
"And Third, you are going to be DAMN disappointed, and THAT'S FOR SURE."

A girl at my school was walking down the hall and remembered she forgot something.
"Oh shoot!" she exclaimed.
As she looked around and saw her friends she said, "I mean oh shit."

A freshman was at Princeton on his first day of school. He was looking for the library and didn't know where to find it. He saw a gentleman in a knit sweater, and the freshman figured him for an upper classman. So he approached the man and asked, "Excuse me, can you tell me where the library is at?"

The upper classman snootily responded, "My dear boy, at Princeton, we do not end our sentences with a preposition."

The freshman considered this for a moment, then said, "Fine. Can you tell
me where the library is at, asshole?"

It was the first day of Grade Three in a new town for Johnny. As a test, his teacher went around the room and asked each of the students to count to 50. Some did very well, counting as high as
30 or 40 with just a few mistakes. Others couldn't get past 20. Johnny, however, did extremely well; he past 50 right up to 100 without any mistakes. He was so excited that he ran home and told his dad how well he had done.

His Dad nodded, and told him "That's because you are from Alabama, son."

The next day, in language class, the teacher asked the students to recite the alphabet. It's Grade Three, so most could make it halfway through without much trouble. Some made it to "S" or
"T", but Johnny rattled off the alphabet perfectly right to the end. That evening, Johnny once again bragged to his Dad about his prowess in his new school. His Dad, knowingly, explained to him. "That's because you are from Alabama, son."

The next day, after Physical Education, the boys were taking showers. Johnny noted that, compared to the other boys in his grade, he seemed overly "well endowed". This confused him. That night he told his dad, "Dad, they all have little tiny ones, but mine is ten times bigger than theirs. Is that because I'm from Alabama?" he asked.

"No son," explained his Dad, "That's because you're 18."

The not necessarily well-prepared student sat in his life science classroom staring at a question on the final exam paper. The question directed: "Give four advantages of breast milk." What to write? He sighed, and began to scribble whatever came into his head, hoping for the best:

1. No need to boil.

2. Cats can't steal it.

3. Available whenever necessary.

So far so good - maybe. But the exam demanded a four-part answer. Again, what to write? Once more, he sighed. He frowned. He scowled, then sighed again. But suddenly, he brightened. He grabbed his pen, and triumphantly, he scribbled his definitive answer:

4. Available in attractive containers.

It was the first day of school, and the elementary school teacher was establishing the fact that she'd take no nonsense from the kiddies this year. While taking the roll, she was told by one boy "My name is Johnny Fuckhauer."

So she said "There'll be none of that kind of thing this year, Johnny; tell me your REAL name!" The kid said, "No, really teacher, it IS Johnny Fuckhauer. You can go across the hall to fourth grade and ask my brother if you don't believe me!"

Not wanting to be subjected to that kind of thing, the teacher went across the hall and knocked on the fourth grade classroom door. The fourth grade teacher had stepped down the hall to the front office for a moment, so she entered the room and directly asked the class, "Do you have a Fuckhauer in here?"

The third-grade teacher was teaching English and repeated for her class: "Mary had a little lamb, whose fleece was white as snow/And everywhere that Mary went, the lamb was sure to go."

She explained this was an example of poetry, but could be changed to prose by changing the last line from "the lamb was sure to go" to "the lamb went with her."

A few days later, she asked for an example of poetry or prose. Johnny raised his hand and said,

"Mary had a little pig --
An ornery little runt.
He stuck his nose in Mary's Clothes
And smelled her little . . ."

He stopped, turned to the teacher, and asked, "Do you want poetry or prose?"
"Prose!" the teacher said weakly.
So Johnny said, " . . . Asshole."

So this teacher is teaching her grade four class, and she's telling them that the word of the day is 'contagious.' She asks if anyone can use this word in a sentence, and several people stick up their hands.
"Carl," she says.
Carl says, "My dad told me to stay away from kids with mumps, cause they're contagious."
"Very good," says the teacher.
Then she notices that little Johnny has his hand up, at the back of the class.
"Yes, Johnny?" she says.
Johnny says, "The other day, me and my dad's a-sittin around,and we saw our blonde neighbour painting her fence. She had a tiny little model car paintbrush and she was going in tiny little strokes up and down the fence & my dad says to me,
"Jesus, it's gonna take that contagious to finish that fence."

A little boy returning home from his first day at school said to his mother, "Mum, what's sex?"
His mother, who believed in all the most modern educational theories, gave him a detailed explanation, covering all aspects of the tricky subject.

When she had finished, the little lad produced an enrolment form which he had brought home from school and said, "Yes, but how am I going to get all that into this one little square?"

This teacher comes into her classroom one morning to find that someone has drawn a small, but erect, penis on the bottom corner of the blackboard. She is understandably shocked and says to the children, "What naughty little boy has been drawing rude things on my blackboard?"
There's a lot of shuffling of feet and everyone looks down intently at their desks. One or two sniggers are heard, but nobody owns up. The teacher decides to ignore it and rubs it off.

The next morning the teacher comes in and there is a bigger erect penis drawn right across the bottom of the blackboard. She is even more shocked and says to the children,
"Be quiet. I will punish all of you, unless the little boy, or little girl I suppose, that has drawn this rude picture owns up immediately."

Nobody does, so she rubs it off and then goes round the class asking each child in turn if they drew it. All of them deny it and the teacher makes them all stay in at playtime.

The next morning the teacher comes in to find that someone has drawn a huge erect penis that fills the whole of the blackboard. In the bottom corner of the board are the words,
"The more you rub it, the bigger it gets."

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