Mike's Jokes-Lawyer Jokes

A man sat down at a bar, looked into his shirt pocket, and ordered a double scotch. A few minutes later, the man again peeked into his pocket and ordered another double. This routine was followed for some time, until after looking into his pocket, he told the bartender that he's had enough.
The bartender said, "I've got to ask you - what's with the pocket business?"
The man replied, "I have my lawyer's picture in there. When he starts to look honest, I've had enough."

The day after a verdict had been entered against his client, the attorney rushed to the judge's chambers, demanding that the case be reopened. He said that he had new evidence that made a huge difference in his defense.
"What new evidence could you have?" said the judge.
The attorney replied, "My client has an extra $10,000, and I just found out about it!"

A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city subscribed to a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate a shilling. "Only a shilling?" said the man. "Only a shilling to bury an attorney? Here's a guinea; go and bury 20 more of them."

Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
A: An offer you can't understand

Carlson was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz, and after a long trial, the jury acquitted him. Later that day Carlson came back to the judge who had presided at the hearing.

"Your honor," he said, "I wanna get out a warrant for that dirty lawyer of mine."
"Why ?" asked the judge. "He won your acquittal. What do you want to have him arrested for?"
"Well, your honor," replied Carlson, "I didn't have the money to pay his fee, so he went and took the car I stole."

"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand.

"If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the witness.

Talk is cheap...until you hire a lawyer.

Did you hear about the lawyer who named his daughter Sue?

What kind of clothes do lawyers wear in court?
Lawsuits.

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:
"My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."

"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses." The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in sand?
Not enough sand.

The Judge fined a motorist $25 for speeding, and gave him a receipt.
"What am I supposed to do with this, frame it?" snapped the driver.
"No, save it," replied the Judge. "When you have three, you get a bicycle."

An old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he called his lawyer.
"I want to become a lawyer. How much is the express degree you told me about?"
"It's $50,000," the lawyer said.
"But why? You'll be dead soon, why do you want to become a lawyer?"
"That's my business! Get me the course!"
Four days later, the old man got his law degree. His lawyer was at his bedside, making sure his bill would be paid. Suddenly the old man was racked with fits of coughing and it was clear that this would be the end. Still curious, the lawyer leaned over and said,
"Please, before it's too late, tell me why you wanted to get a law degree so badly before you died?"
In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man said, "One less lawyer..."

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: "My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."
"Well put," the judge replied.
"Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."
The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl's grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?"
"Of course not, dear." replied the mother, "Why would you think that?"
"The tombstone back there said 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"

A lawyer charged a client $500.00 for legal services. The client paid him with crisp new $100.00 bills. After the client left, the lawyer discovered that two of the bills had stuck together -- he'd been overpaid by $100.00. The ethical dilemma for the lawyer: Should he tell his partner?

In questioning potential jurors for an upcoming trial the Judge inquired,
"Is there any reason why any of you cannot see this trial through to its conclusion?"
A lone juror spoke up, "I can't!" stated the woman, "Why, just looking at the woman I'm convinced she's guilty!"
"Madam," said the Judge, "that's the prosecutor."

Two lawyers were walking along negotiating a case. "Look," said one,
"let's be honest with each other."
"Okay, you first," replied the other. That was the end of the discussion.

How many personal injury attorneys does it take to change a light bulb?
Three -- one to turn the bulb, one to shake him off the ladder, and the third to sue the ladder company.

A defending attorney was cross examining a coroner. The attorney asks, "Before you signed the death certificate had you taken the man's pulse?"
The coroner says, "No."
The attorney then asks, "Did you listen for a heart beat?"
"No."
"Did you check for breathing?"
"No."
"So when you signed the death certificate you had not taken any steps to make sure the man was dead, had you?" The coroner, now tired of the brow beating says, "Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk, but for all I know he could be out there practicing law somewhere."

Two law partners go out for lunch. As they get started, one suddenly jumps up and exclaims, "Oh my God, I forgot to lock the safe!" The other says, "What are you worried about? We're both here."

"How is it you can't get a lawyer to defend you?" the judge asked the prisoner.
"Well, your Honor, it's like this...as soon as those lawyers found out I didn't steal the money, they wouldn't have anything to do with me."

How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
His lips are moving.

Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?
From chasing parked ambulances.

Where can you find a good lawyer?
In the cemetary

Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day. "My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy.
"Tommy," replied the second. "My Daddy's an accountant.
What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Billy.
Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer." "Honest?" asked Billy.
"No, just the regular kind", replied Tommy.

A pick pocket was up in court for a series of petty crimes. The judge said "Mr. Banks you are hereby fined $100."
The lawyer stood up and said "Thanks, my lord, however my client only has $75 on him at this time, but if you'd allow him a few minutes in the crowd. . ."