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Lists of Jokes


IT'S GREAT TO BE A MAN, BECAUSE...

1. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
2. Your orgasms are real. Always.
3. Your last name stays put.
4. Giving blood on a regular basis is an option.
5. The garage is all yours.
6. Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.
7. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
8. You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every night.
9. Chocolate is just another snack.
10. If you get too drunk and something happens with a gal, you probably remember and you probably liked it.
11. You can be president.
12. You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
13. Foreplay is optional.
14. You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.
15. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
16. You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
17. You never have to enjoy the full pain of childbirth, only the silent effects.
18. The world is your urinal.
19. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
20. You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky.
21. Same work... more pay.
22. Wrinkles add character.
23. You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.
24. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
25. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
26. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
27. Princess Di's death was just another obituary.
28. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
29. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
30. Porn movies are designed with you in mind.
31. Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.
32. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"
33. And best of all....One mood, all the time.


50 Fun Things to Do in an Elevator

1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.
3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, darn it, all of you just shut UP!"
4. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.
6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
7. Shave.
8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?
"9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"
13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
14. One word: Flatulence!
15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
16. Do Tai Chi exercises.
17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"
18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, darn motion sickness!"
19. Give religious tracts to each passenger.
20. Meow occasionally.
21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
22. Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"
23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
24. Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.
25. Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.
26. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
28. Burp, and then say "mmmm...tasty!"
29. Leave a box between the doors.
30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
31. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.
32. Start a sing-along.
33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"
34. Play the harmonica.
35. Shadow box.
36. Say "Ding!" at each floor.
37. Lean against the button panel.
38. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.
39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
40. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."
41. Bring a chair along.
42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"
43. Blow spit bubbles.
44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
45. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
46. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
48. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
49. Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger."
50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!"


Cracking an international market is a goal of most growing corporations. It shouldn't be that hard, yet even the big multi-nationals run into trouble because of language and cultural differences. For example...

1) The name Coca-Cola in China was first rendered as Ke-kou-ke-la. Unfortunately, the Coke company did not discover until after thousands of signs had been printed that the phrase means "bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax" depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 Chinese characters and found a close phonetic equivalent, "ko-kou-ko-le," which can be loosely translated as "happiness in the mouth."

2) In Taiwan, the translation of the Pepsi slogan "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" came out as "Pepsi will bring your ancestors back from the dead."

3) Also in Chinese, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan "finger-lickin' good" came out as "eat your fingers off."

4) The American slogan for Salem cigarettes, "Salem - Feeling Free," got translated in the Japanese market into "When smoking Salem, you feel so refreshed that your mind seems to be free and empty."

5) When General Motors introduced the Chevy Nova in South America, it was apparently unaware that "no va" means "it won't go." After the company figured out why it wasn't selling any cars, it renamed the car in its Spanish markets to the Caribe.

6) Ford had a similar problem in Brazil when the Pinto flopped. The company found out that Pinto was Brazilian slang for "tiny male genitals". Ford pried all the nameplates off and substituted Corcel, which means horse.

7) When Parker Pen marketed a ballpoint pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to say "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you." However, the company mistakenly thought the spanish word "embarazar" meant embarrass. Instead the ads said that "It wont leak in your pocket and make you pregnant."

8) An American t-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of the desired "I Saw the Pope" in Spanish, the shirts proclaimed "I Saw the Potato."

9) Chicken-man Frank Perdue's slogan, "It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken," got terribly mangled in another Spanish translation. A photo of Perdue with one of his birds appeared on billboards all over Mexico with a caption that explained "It takes a hard man to make a chicken aroused."

10) Hunt-Wesson introduced its Big John products in French Canada as Gros Jos before finding out that the phrase, in slang, means "big breasts." In this case, however, the name problem did not have a noticeable effect on sales.

11) Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.

12) In Italy, a campaign for Schweppes Tonic Water translated the name into Schweppes Toilet Water.

13) Japan's second-largest tourist agency was mystified when it entered English-speaking markets and began receiving requests for unusual sex tours. Upon finding out why, the owners of Kinki Nippon Tourist Company changed its name.

14) In an effort to boost orange juice sales in predominantly continental breakfast eating England, a campaign was devised to extoll the drink's eye-opening, pick-me-up qualities. Hence the slogan, "Orange juice. It gets your pecker up."


TOP 10 REASONS NOT TO WORK

10.They can't garnish what you don't make.
9. Your life no longer compares to those annoying Dilbert cartoons.
8. Chance to meet exotic male dancers in unemployment line (and do the Full Monte)
7. Sleep all night . . . Sleep all day!
6. Much like a Carnival cruise, every day is a holiday!
5. If you push its buttons the wrong way, the remote won't cry sexual harassment.
4. Underwear and a pair of Birkenstocks becomes your "Professional Attire".
3. Reruns of Chips only shown during regular working hours.
2. It really pisses off the in-laws.
1. The only glass ceiling she'll be complaining about is the mirror over your bed!


Ways to Annoy Your Public Bathroom Stall-Mate

1.Stick your open palm under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, "may I borrow a highlighter?"
2.Say, "uh oh, I knew I shouldn't have put my lips on that."
3.Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.
4.Say, "Damn, this water's cold."
5.Drop a marble and say, "Oh no! My glass eye!"
6.Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."
7.Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantelope into the toilet bowl from a height of six feet. Sigh relaxingly.
8.Say, "Now how did that get in there."
9.Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."
10.Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbor's while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!"
11.Say, "Interesting............. more floaters than sinkers.'"
12.Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop the wad under the stall of your neighbor. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here please?"
13.Say, "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me now."
14.Fill a balloon with cream corn. Rush into the stall with your hand over your mouth and let out a lengthy vomit impression while you squeeze the balloon and splatter cream corn all about. Apologize profusely and blame it on the fettucine alfredo you had for breakfast.
15.Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggott."
16.Say, "Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?"
17.Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.
18.Before you un-roll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your "Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.
19.Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall, adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"
20.Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free."


  1. The Hallmark Cards You Won't See.
  2. So your daughter's a hooker & it spoiled your day..Look at the bright side, it's really good pay.
  3. My tire was thumping..I thought it was flat..when I looked at the tire..I noticed your cat.. Sorry.
  4. You had your bladder removed and you're on the mends.. here's a bouquet of flowers and a box of Depends.
  5. You've announced that you're gay, won't that be a laugh, when they find out you're one of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.
  6. Happy Vasectomy! Hope you feel zippy! Cause when I had mine I got real snippy.
  7. Heard your wife left you..How upset you must be..But don't fret about it..She moved in with me.
  8. You totaled your car..and can't remember why..could it have been..that whole case of Bud Dry?

Top Summer Camps You Shouldn't Send Your Kids To:

10. Tommy Lee's---------- Camp Kickachickee
9. Lorena Bobbit's------ Camp Cutaweewee
8. Tanya Harding's------ Camp Wackaneenee
7. Kenneth Star's------- Camp Catchacrookee
6. Louis Farakahn's----- Camp Killawhitey
5. O.J. Simpson's------- Camp Killachickee
4. Michael Jackson's---- Camp Wannabewhitey
3. President Clinton's-- Camp Getahoochie
2. Ellen Degeneras's---- Camp Lickacoochie
And the number one camp not to send your kid to...
1. Monica Lewinsky's---- Camp Suckapeepee


Shower Like A Woman:
  1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
  2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and rush to the bathroom.
  3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and stick out your gut so that you can complain and whine even more about how you're getting fat.
  4. Get in the shower. Look for facecloth, armcloth, legcloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
  5. Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
  6. Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
  7. Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes.
  8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red raw.
  9. Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.
  10. Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least fifteen minutes as you must make sure that it has all come off).
  11. Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead.
  12. Scream loudly when your boyfriend/husband flushes the toilet and you lose the water pressure.
  13. Turn off shower.
  14. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.
  15. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small African country. Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel.
  16. Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit. Attack with nails/tweezers if found.
  17. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
  18. If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed and then rush to bedroom to spend an hour and a half getting dressed.

How To shower Like A Man

  1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
  2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your girlfriend/wife along the way, flash her making the "woo" sound.
  3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs. Admire the size of your wiener in the mirror, scratch your balls and smell your fingers for one last whiff.
  4. Get in the shower.
  5. Don't bother to look for a washcloth. (you don't use one)
  6. Wash your face
  7. Wash your armpits
  8. Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.
  9. Wash your privates and surrounding area.
  10. Wash your ass, leaving hair on the soap bar. Shampoo your hair. (do not use conditioner)
  11. Make a shampoo Mohawk.
  12. Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in the mirror.
  13. Pee (in the shower)
  14. Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor because you left the curtain hanging out of the tub the whole time.
  15. Partial dry off.
  16. Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles.
  17. Admire wiener size.
  18. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor.
  19. Leave bathroom fan and light on.
  20. Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your girlfriend/wife, pull off the towel, grab your wiener, go "Yeah baby" and thrust your pelvis at her.
  21. Throw wet towel on the bed. Take 2 minutes to get dressed.

Why the Internet is Like a Penis


Top Suggestions for Guys While Golfing and/or Taking a Leak in a Bathroom

10. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
9. Form a loose grip.
8. Keep your head down.
7. Avoid a quick backswing.
6. Stay our of the water.
5. Try not to hit anyone.
4. If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.
3. Don't stand directly in front of others.
2. Quiet please!... while others are preparing to go.
1. Don't take extra strokes.


Blowjob Etiquette (By a Female)

1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.
2. Extension to rule #1 - So if you get one, be grateful.
3. I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw, it is not standard practice to cum on someone's face.
4. Extension to rule #3 - No, I DON'T have to swallow.
5. My ears are NOT handles.
6. Extension to rule #5 - don't push on top of my head. Last I heard, deep throat had been done. Additionally, do you really WANT puke on your dick?
7. I don't care HOW relaxed you get, it is NEVER OK to fart.
8. Having my period does not mean that it's "hummer week" - get it through your head - I'm bloated and I feel like shit so no, I don't feel particularly obligated to blow you just because YOU can't have sex right now.
9. Extension to #8 - "Blue Balls" might have worked on high school girls - if you're that desperate, go jerk off and leave me alone with my Midol.
10. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don't tell me I've just "wrecked it" for you.
11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games immediately afterwards is highly inadvisable if you would like my behavior to be repeated in future.
12. If you like how we do it, it's probably best not to speculate about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment & be happy that we're good at it. See also rule #2 about gratitude.
13. No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't care about the protein content.
14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV.
15. When you hear your friends complain about how they don't get blow jobs often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either sympathize or brag.
16. Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not mean I have to "kiss it good morning".


PICK UP LINES THAT MAY GET YOU KILLED

1. If you and I were squirrels, could I bust a nut in your hole?
2. I'd like to wrap your legs around my head and wear you like a feed bag.
3. If it's true that we are what we eat, I could be you by morning!
4. How do you like your eggs: poached, scrambled, or fertilized?
5. I was about to go masturbate and I needed a name to go with your face.
6. You are so fine that I'd eat your shit just to see where it came from.
7. My love for you is like diarrhea, I just can't hold it in.
8. Roses are red. Violets are blue. I like spaghetti. Let's go fuck.
9. Is that a keg in your pants? 'Cause I would love to tap that ass!
10. If your right leg was Thanksgiving & your left leg was Christmas, could I meet you between the holidays?
11. You remind me of a championship bass, I don't know whether to mount you or eat you!
12. Your parents must be retarded, because you are special.
13. Could I touch your belly button...from the inside?
14. I'm not too good at algebra, but doesn't U+I= 69?
15. How about we play lion and lion tamer? You hold your mouth open, and I'll give you the meat.


TOP TWELVE SEXUALLY TILTED LINES FROM STAR WARS

12: "Get in there, you big furry oaf! I don't care WHAT you smell!"
11: "Now blow this thing kid, so we can get outta here."
10: "Almost there...almost there..."
9: "Luke, at this speed do you think you'll be able to pull out in time?"
8: "Put that thing away before you get us all killed!"
7: "You've got something jammed in here real good."
6: "Aren't you a little short for a StormTrooper?"
5: "You came in that thing? You're braver than I thought."
4: "Sorry about the mess."
3: "Look at the size of that thing!"
2: "Curse my metal body, I wasn't fast enough!"
1: "She may not look like much, but she's got it where it counts, kid."


I'm an advertising student and I couldn't resist these new condom slogans:
Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop
Mentos Condoms: The freshmaker
Flinstones Vitamins Condom Pack: Ten million strong and growing
Ford Condoms: The best never rest
Chevy Condoms: Like a Rock
Dial Condoms: Aren't you glad you used Dial? Don't you wish everybody did?
New York Lotto Condoms: Cause hey-- you never know
Avis Condoms: Trying harder than ever
Energizer Condoms: Keeps going and going...
KFC Condoms: Finger-Lickin' Good
Coca Cola Condom: Always the Real Thing
Lays Condoms: Betcha can't have just one
Cambells Soup Condoms:Mmm, mmm good.


Top Ten Drug Using Cartoon Suspects

10. Gargamel (From the Smurfs)
Most likely LSD. Spends his life in pursuit of little blue guys in sissy white outfits and mentally abusing his cat. What does he plan to do with the blue dwarfs when he catches them anyway?
9. Olive Oyl
Probably Dexatrim abuse, maybe some amphetamines. Who is that skinny?! She might even be anorexic, she is always giving her burger to her friend. One side question, what the hell are Popeye and Brutus thinking? What is it her personality? NOT!
8. Snagglepuss
Can't explain it. Maybe it's the name, or the look, but he is suspicious.
7. He-Man
This is an easy one. I mean c'mon. Roid monkey #1. "BY THE POWER OF ANABOL!!!!!!" Makes me want to root for Skeletor. Alone in his castle, hitting the weights. And on top of that he even injects the shit in his pet tiger. Can we say "Animal Abuse".
6.& 5. Yogi and Boo Boo
We all know what is really in those picnic baskets. They go back to the cave and trip. Another side ? - Are they gay? I mean, take a look at BooBoo. Not that there's anything wrong with that.....
4. Droopy
The number one downer abuser in toon land. Can't someone slip him an upper every year or two. The only time I ever saw him happy is when he sees the picture of the babe. Sort of makes you wonder.
3. Dopey Dwarf
He openly admits it. The other dwarfs deny involvement but they are under investigation. Allegations are that Doc is writing some extra scripts for Sneezy and all the guys partaking are afloat.
2. Daffy Duck
If he isn't using crack, Merion Barry is clean. He is so wired he bounces around on his head without pain. Blows his beak off all the time. Some symptoms might be from "daffiness" but Haldol wouldn't work for him.
1. Shaggy
By far the #1 suspect. His clothes, his hair, his bad goatee, the boy converses with dogs. But all of this is nothing until you go to the Munchie Factor. Anybody who averages 9.3 dog treats consumed per episode does pot - no if, ands, or, buts about it. And Look at the way him and his friends painted that van!


WHY THE INTERNET IS LIKE A PENIS


Top Ten Reasons That Trick-or-Treating is Better Than Sex

10. Guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
9. If you get tired, wait ten minutes and go at it again.
8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
7. You don't have to compliment the person who gave it to you.
6. Person you are with doesn't fantasize you're someone else.
5. If you get a stomach ache, it won't last nine months.
4. If you wear a Bill Clinton mask, no one thinks you're kinky.
3. Doesn't matter if kids hear you moaning and groaning.
2. Less guilt the next morning.
1. If you don't get what you want, you can always go next door!


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