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Lists of Jokes


Top ten things men would do if they woke up and had a vagina for a day:

10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.

9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.

8. See if they could finally do the splits.

7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.

6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.

5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes...BEFORE closing time.

4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.

3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.

2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too.

1. Finally find that damned G-spot.

Top ten things women would do if they woke up and had a penis for a day:

10. Get ahead faster in the corporate world.

9. Get a blow job.

8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat.

7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal.

6. Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently.

5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.

4. Touch yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may seem.

3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.

2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement.

1. Repeat number 9.


A Drinkers Personality

Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts. The results:

Drink: Beer
Personality: Casual, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.

Drink: Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the buttocks.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.

Drink: Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance, knows exactly what she wants.
Your Approach: You won't have to approach her, if she is interested, she'll send YOU a drink.

Drink: Wine - (does not include White Zinfandel, see below)
Personality: Conservative and classy; sophisticated yet giggles.
Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings with friends.

Drink: White Zinfandel
Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually has no clue.
Your approach: Make her feel smarter than she is... this should be an easy target.

Drink: Shots
Personality: Likes to hang with frat-boy pals and looking to get totally drunk...and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed this evening. Nothing to do but wait. However, be careful not to make her mad!

Then there is the MALE addendum. The deal with guys is, as always, very simple & clear cut:
Domestic Beer: He's poor and wants to get laid.

Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.

Wine: He's hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid.

Whiskey: He doesn't give a hoot about anything but getting laid.

Tequila: He is thinking he has a chance with the toothless waitress.

White Zinfandel: He's gay.


The FDA is considering additional warnings on beer and alcohol bottles, such as:

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a jerk.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember).

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Chuck.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear".

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.


Adam Sandler's Top 10

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is buddy, where the fuck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the bathroom is?
2. The Pillsbury doughboy is way too happy considering he has no dick.
3. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.
4. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too." Fuck off. What good is a goddamn cake you can't eat?
5. When people say "It's always in the last place you look". Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?
6. When people say, while watching a movie "Did you see that?" No dicknose, I paid $7.50 to come to the theater and stare at the ceiling up there.
7. The radio ad "Hi, I'm Jeff Healey from the Jeff Healey Band. Don't drink and drive. I don't". Well, I hope you don't drive sober either Mr. Healey. You're blind for God's sake!
8. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice, did ya there buddy?
9. When something is "new and improved", which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.
10. When a cop pulls you over and then asks if you now how fast you were going? You should know asshole you pulled me over!


ACCOUNTANTS are good with figures.
ACTORS do it on cue.
ADVERTISERS use the "new, improved" method.
AMBULANCE DRIVERS come quicker.
ARCHAEOLOGISTS like it old.
ARCHITECTS have great plans.
ARTISTS are exhibitionists.
ASSEMBLY LINE WORKERS do it over and over.
ASTRONOMERS do it with Uranus.
ATTORNEYS make better motions.
AUDITORS like to examine figures.
BABYSITTERS charge by the hour.
BAILIFFS always come to order.
BAKERS knead it daily.
BAND MEMBERS play all night.
BANKERS do it with interest - penalty for early withdrawal.
BARBERS do it with shear pleasure.
BARTENDERS do it on the rocks.
BASEBALL PLAYERS make it to first base.
BASKETBALL PLAYERS score more often.
BEEKEEPERS like to eat their honey.
BEER BREWERS do it with more hops.
BEER DRINKERS get more head.
BICYCLISTS do it with 10 speeds.
BOOKKEEPERS do it with double entry.
BOSSES delegate the task to others.
BOWLERS have bigger balls.
BRICKLAYERS lay all day.
BRIDGE PLAYERS try to get a rubber.
BUS DRIVERS come early and pull out on time.
BUTCHERS have better meat.
CB'ers do it on the air.
CAMPERS do it in a tent.
CARPENTERS hammer it harder.
CARPET LAYERS do it on the floor.
CHEERLEADERS do it with more enthusiasm.
CHEMISTS like to experiment.
CHESSPLAYERS check their mates.
CHIROPRACTORS do it by manipulation.
CLOCK MAKERS do it mechanically.
CLOWNS do it for laughs.
COACHES whistle while they work.
COBOL PROGRAMMERS do it with bugs.
COCKTAIL WAITRESSES serve highballs.
COMPUTER GAME PLAYERS just can't stop.
COMPUTER OPERATORS get the most out of their software.
CONSTRUCTION WORKERS lay a better foundation.
CONSULTANTS tell other how to do it.
COPS have bigger guns.
COWBOYS handle anything horny.
COWGIRLS like to ride bareback.
CRANE OPERATORS have swinging balls.
CREDIT MANAGERS always collect.
DANCERS do it in leaps and bounds.
DEADHEADS do it with Jerry.
DEER HUNTERS will do anything for a buck.
DENTAL HYGIENISTS do it till it hurts.
DENTISTS do it in your mouth.
DETECTIVES do it under cover.
DIETICIANS eat better.
DIRECT MAILERS get it in the sack.
DIVERS do it deeper.
DOCTORS do it with patience.
DRUGGISTS fill your prescription.
DRUMMERS do it in 4/4 time.
DRYWALLERS are better bangers.
ELECTRICIANS check your shorts.
ENGINEERS charge by the hour.
EXECUTIVES have large staffs.
FARMERS spread it around.
FIREMEN are always in heat.
FISHERMEN are proud of their rods.
FOOTBALL PLAYERS are measured by the yard.
FOUR-WHEELERS eat more bush.
FURRIERS appreciate good beaver.
GARBAGEMEN come once a week.
GARDENERS have 50 foot hoses.
GAS STATION ATTENDANTS pump all day.
GEOLOGISTS are great explorers.
GOLFERS do it in 18 holes.
GYMNASTS mount and dismount well.
HACKERS do it with fewer instructions.
HAIRDRESSERS give the best blow jobs.
HAM OPERATORS do it with frequency.
HANDYMEN like good screws.
HORSEBACK RIDERS stay in the saddle longer.
HUNTERS do it with a bang.
INSURANCE SALESMEN are premium lovers.
INTERIOR DECORATORS do it all over the house.
INVENTORS find a way.
JANITORS clean up afterwards.
JEWELERS mount real gems.
JOGGERS do it on the run.
LANDSCAPERS plant it deeper.
LAWYERS do it in their briefs.
LIBRARIANS do it quietly.
LOCKSMITHS can get into anything.
LONG DISTANCE RUNNERS last longer.
MACHINISTS make the best screws.
MAGICIANS are quicker than the eye.
MAINTENANCE MEN sweep 'em off their feet.
MANAGERS supervise others.
MARKETING REPs do it on commission.
MILKMEN deliver twice a week.
MILLIONAIRES pay to have it done.
MINERS sink deeper shafts.
MINISTERS do it on Sundays.
MISSILEMEN have better thrust.
MODELS do it in any position.
MODEM MANUFACTURERS do it with all sorts of characters.
MOTORCYCLISTS like something hot between their legs.
MOVIE STARS do it on film.
MUSICIANS do it with rhythm.
NONSMOKERS do it without huffing and puffing.
NURSES call the shots.
OCEANOGRAPHERS do it down under.
OPERATORS do it person-to-person.
OPTOMETRISTS do it face-to-face.
PAINTERS do it with longer strokes.
PARAMEDICS do it to those in need.
PHOTOGRAPHERS do it with a flash.
PHYSICISTS do it with uniform harmonic motion.
PILOTS keep it up longer.
PLUMBERS do it under the sink.
POLICEMEN like big busts.
POLITICIANS do it for 4 years then have to get re-erected.
POSTMEN come slower.
PRINTERS do it without wrinkling the sheets.
PRINTERS reproduce the fastest.
PROCTOLOGISTS do it in the end.
PROFESSORS do it by the book.
RACERS like to come in first.
RACQUETBALL PLAYERS do it off the wall.
RADIO and TV ANNOUNCERS broadcast it.
REAL ESTATE PEOPLE know all the prime spots.
RECYCLERS use it again.
REPAIRMEN can fix anything.
REPORTERS do it daily.
RESEARCHERS are still looking for it.
RETAILERS move their merchandise.
ROOFERS do it on top.
RUNNERS get into more pants.
SAILORS like to be blown.
SALESPEOPLE have away with their tongues.
SCIENTISTS discovered it.
SECRETARIES do it from 9 to 5.
SKYDIVERS are good till the last drop.
SOCCER PLAYERS have leather balls.
SPEECH PATHOLOGISTS are oral specialists.
SPELUNKERS do it underground.
SPORTSCASTERS like an instant replay.
STEWARDESSES do it in the air.
STUDENTS use their heads.
SURGEONS are smooth operators.
TAILORS make it fit.
TAXI DRIVERS do it all over town.
TAXIDERMISTS mount anything.
TELEPHONE CO. EMPLOYEES let their fingers do the walking.
TELLERS can handle all deposits and withdrawals.
TENNIS PLAYERS have fuzzy balls.
TRUCK DRIVERS have bigger dipsticks.
TRUCKERS carry bigger loads.
TYPISTS do it in triplicate.
VETERINARIANS are pussy lovers.
VOLLEYBALL PLAYERS keep it up.
WAITRESSES serve it piping hot.
WATER SKIERS come down harder.
WELDERS have hotter rods.
WRESTLERS know the best holds.
WRITERS have novel ways.


OLD CHINESE PROVERBS

1. WOMAN WHO GOES TO MAN'S APT. FOR SNACK, GETS TIT-BIT.

2. MAN WHO LAY WOMAN ON GROUND, GETS PEACE ON EARTH.

3. MAN WHO GETS KICKED IN TESTICLES, LEFT HOLDING THE BAG.

4. MAN WHO KISSES GIRL'S BEHIND, GETS CRACK IN FACE.

5. WOMAN WHO SPEND MUCH TIME ON BEDSPRING, MAY HAVE OFFSPRING.

6. PASSIONATE KISS LIKE SPIDER WEB--LEAD TO UNDOING OF FLY.

7. MAN WHO SUCKS NIPPLES MAKES CLEAN BREAST OF THINGS.

8. MAN WITH HOLES IN POCKETS FEELS COCKY ALL DAY.

9. MAN WHO SNATCH KISSES WHEN YOUNG, KISSES SNATCHES WHEN OLD.

10. MAN WHO FIGHTS WIFE ALL DAY GETS NO PIECE AT NIGHT.

11. HE WHO FISHES IN OTHER MANS WELL OFTEN CATCHES CRABS.

12. HE WHO PLAYS WITH SELF, PULLS BONER.

13. BOY WHO GO TO BED WITH SEX PROBLEM, WAKE UP WITH SOLUTION IN HAND.

14. VIRGINITY LIKE BALLOON--ONE PRICK--ALL GONE.

15. GIRL WHO DOUCHES WITH VINEGAR WALKS AROUND WITH SOUR PUSS.

16. GIRLS SHOULD NOT MARRY BASKETBALL PLAYERS--THEY DRIBBLE BEFORE THEY SHOOT.

17. MAN WITH ATHLETIC FINGER, MAKE BROAD JUMP.

18. MAN WHO MARRY GIRL WITH NO BUST HAS RIGHT TO FEEL LOW DOWN.

19. GIRL WHO RIDES BICYCLE, PEDDLES ASS ALL OVER TOWN.

20. MAN WHO FARTS IN CHURCH, SITS IN OWN PEW.

21. BABY CONCEIVED IN BACK SEAT OF CAR WITH AUTOMATIC TRANSMISSION, GROW UP TO BE SHIFTLESS BASTARD.


TOP TWENTY SIGNS SHE'S GETTING BORED HAVING SEX WITH YOU

20. After you request sex she replies, "Wait 'til the Nyquil kicks in."

19. Gets very upset when the ashtray falls off your ass.

18. Actually answers when you ask "Who's your daddy?"

17. Last time she screamed during sex was the first time she won at solitaire.

16. Only moans during commercial breaks.

15. Starts her fake orgasms during foreplay.

14. Keeps trying to set you up with her friends.

13. Runs for vacant Senate seat in New York.

12. You are currently sitting backstage at the Jerry Springer show.

11. Beginning to think she is only "playing" dead.

10. During the act, she actually yelled out, "Oh, Baby, Yadda, Yadda,Yadda."

9. Has suddenly started making you pay in advance.

8. Her moans of delight discovered to actually be a .wav file.

7. Instead of asking to leave her shirt on, she wants to leave her pants on too.

6. Keeps asking "Are you SURE you're not gay?"

5. Boredom? So that's why she keeps deflating!!

4. Holds up a picture of the Playboy centerfold to hurry you along.

3. Asks to be on top so she can balance her checkbook better.

2. She yells out her own name.

1. Bangs her head on the headboard BEFORE you begin.


PICK UP LINES

Call me Fred Flintstone, because I'll make your Bedrock.
Lets play Titanic, when I say iceberg, you go down.
You must be a high jumper, because you make my bar rise.
If we were both squirrels, would you play with my nuts?
Would you wear shoes if you didn't have any feet? Then why are you wearing a bra?
Do you believe in love at first sight? Or do I have to walk by again?
You must have a mirror in your pocket because I can easily see myself in your pants.
What time do you have to be back in heaven?
I seem to have lost my phone number, can I have yours?
If I told you that you had a great body, would you hold it against me?
How about you sit on my lap and we can talk about the first thing that pops up.
I lost my teddy bear. Will you sleep with me?
Sex is a killer. Wanna die happy?
Do you sleep on your stomach? "NO." Can I?
Playing doctor is for kids. How about me and you play gynecologist.
If you were a tear in my eye, I would not cry for fear of losing you.
Excuse me, do you give head to strangers? Well then, allow me to introduce myself.
The word for the day is legs. Lets go back to my place and spread the word.
Do you have some Irish in you? Would you like a piece of Irish in you?
The last time I saw you, I was dreaming.
Hi, my name is Kelli. Don't forget it because you'll be screaming it later on tonight.
I'm new in town, could you give me the directions to your apartment.
I love every bone in your body. Especially mine!
That's a nice smile, its just too bad thats not the only thing you're wearing.
All those curves, and me with no brakes.


OLD CHINESE PROVERBS

1. WOMAN WHO GOES TO MAN'S APT. FOR SNACK, GETS TIT-BIT.

2. MAN WHO LAY WOMAN ON GROUND, GETS PEACE ON EARTH.

3. MAN WHO GETS KICKED IN TESTICLES, LEFT HOLDING THE BAG.

4. MAN WHO KISSES GIRL'S BEHIND, GETS CRACK IN FACE.

5. WOMAN WHO SPEND MUCH TIME ON BEDSPRING, MAY HAVE OFFSPRING.

6. PASSIONATE KISS LIKE SPIDER WEB--LEAD TO UNDOING OF FLY.

7. MAN WHO SUCKS NIPPLES MAKES CLEAN BREAST OF THINGS.

8. MAN WITH HOLES IN POCKETS FEELS COCKY ALL DAY.

9. MAN WHO SNATCH KISSES WHEN YOUNG, KISSES SNATCHES WHEN OLD.

10. MAN WHO FIGHTS WIFE ALL DAY GETS NO PIECE AT NIGHT.

11. HE WHO FISHES IN OTHER MANS WELL OFTEN CATCHES CRABS.

12. HE WHO PLAYS WITH SELF, PULLS BONER.

13. BOY WHO GO TO BED WITH SEX PROBLEM, WAKE UP WITH SOLUTION IN HAND.

14. VIRGINITY LIKE BALLOON--ONE PRICK--ALL GONE.

15. GIRL WHO DOUCHES WITH VINEGAR WALKS AROUND WITH SOUR PUSS.

16. GIRLS SHOULD NOT MARRY BASKETBALL PLAYERS--THEY DRIBBLE BEFORE THEY SHOOT.

17. MAN WITH ATHLETIC FINGER, MAKE BROAD JUMP.

18. MAN WHO MARRY GIRL WITH NO BUST HAS RIGHT TO FEEL LOW DOWN.

19. GIRL WHO RIDES BICYCLE, PEDDLES ASS ALL OVER TOWN.

20. MAN WHO FARTS IN CHURCH, SITS IN OWN PEW.

21. BABY CONCEIVED IN BACK SEAT OF CAR WITH AUTOMATIC TRANSMISSION, GROW UP TO BE SHIFTLESS BASTARD.


MURPHY'S LAWS ON SEX

1. The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.

2. Nothing improves with age.

3. No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it, because it'll never be quite the same again.

4. Sex has no calories.

5. Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.

6. There is no remedy for sex but more sex.

7. Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.

8. No sex with anyone in the same office.

9. Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.

10. A man in the house is worth two in the street.

11. If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.

12. Virginity can be cured.

13. When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him.

14. Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.

15. The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't stand years later.

16. Sex is dirty only if it's done right.

17. It is always the wrong time of month.

18. The best way to hold a man is in your arms.

19. When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.

20. Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either.

21. Sow your wild oats on Saturday night -- Then on Sunday pray for crop failure.

22. The younger the better.

23. The game of love is never called off on account of darkness.

24. It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the trouble in the garden.

25. Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.

27. Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a lot of frogs.

28. There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse than sex. But there is nothing exactly like it.

29. Love your neighbor, but don't get caught.

30. Love is a hole in the heart.

31. If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone into our space program, we would now be running hot-dog stands on the moon.

32. Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics.

33. Do it only with the best.

34. Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to convey its full meaning.

35. One good turn gets most of the blankets.

36. You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women.

37. Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

38. It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

39. Thou shalt not commit adultery.....unless in the mood.

40. Never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you.

41. Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.

42. Never argue with a women when she's tired -- or rested.

43. A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn't.

44. What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.

45. It is better to be looked over than overlooked.

46. Never say no.

47. A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her.

48. Folks playing leapfrog must complete all jumps.

49. Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone.

50. Never stand between a fire hydrant and a dog.

51. A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride.

52. Love comes in spurts.

53. The world does not revolve on an axis.

54. Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant.

55. Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.

56. Don't do it if you can't keep it up.

57. There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in love.

58. Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight.

59. Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.

60. "This won't hurt, I promise."


Chemical Analysis of Woman

Element: Woman
Symbol: Wo
Discoverer: Adam
At. Weight: Accepted at 118, but is known to vary from 100 to 160
Occurances: Surplus quantities in all urban areas

Chemical Properties

1. Possesses great affinity for gold, silver, platinum, and
precious stones.
2. Able to absorb great quantities of expensive substances.
3. May explode spontaneously if left alone with male.

Special Qualities

1. Surface usually covered in painted film
2. Boils at nothing and freezes without reason
3. Melts if given proper treatment
4. Bitter if used incorrectly
5. Found in various states from virgin metal to common ore

Uses

1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars
2. Most powerful money-reducing agent
3. Can be great aid to relaxations

Tests

1. Pure specimen turns rosy tint when discovered in natural state
2. Turns green if placed beside a better specimen

Caution

1. Highly dangerous, except in experienced hands
2. Illegal to possess more than one.


Get Rid Of Bad Dates (and other social catastrophes)

1.At dinner, guard your plate with fork and steak knife, so as to give the impression that you'll stab anyone, including the waiter, who reaches for it.
2.Collect the salt shakers from all of the tables in the restaurant, and balance them in a tower on your table.
3.Wipe your nose on your date's sleeve. Twice.
4.Make funny faces at other patrons, then sneer at their reactions.
5.Repeat every third third word you say say.
6.Give your claim to fame as being voted "Most Festerous" for your
high school yearbook.
7.Read a newspaper or book during the meal. Ignore your date.
8.Stare at your date's neck, and grind your teeth audibly.
9.Twitch spastically. If asked about it, pretend you don't know what they are talking about.
10.Stand up every five minutes, circle your table with your arms outstretched, and make airplane sounds.
11.Order a bucket of lard.
12.Ask for crayons to color the placemat. This works very well in fancier venues that use linen tablecloths.
13.Howl and whistle at womens' legs, especially if you are female.
14.Recite your dating history. Improvise. Include pets.
15.Pull out a harmonica and play blues songs when your date begins
talking about themselves.
16.Sacrifice french fries to the great deity, Pomme.
17.When ordering, inquire whether the restaurant has any live food.
18.Without asking, eat off your date's plate. Eat more from their plate than they do.
19.Drool.
20.Chew with your mouth open, talk with your mouth full and spray crumbs.
21.Eat everything on your plate within 30 seconds of it being placed in front of you.
22.Excuse yourself to use the restroom. Go back to the head waiter/hostess and ask for another table in a different part of the restaurant. Order another meal. When your date finally finds you, ask him/her "What took you so long in the restroom?!?"
23.Recite graphic limericks to the people at the table next to you.
24.Ask the people at the neighboring table for food from their plates.
25.Beg your date to tattoo your name on their derriere. Keep bringing the subject up.
26.Ask your date how much money they have with them.
27.Order for your date. Order something nasty.
28.Communicate in mime the entire evening.
29.Upon entering the restaurant, ask for a seat away from the windows, where you have a you have a good view of all exits, and where you can keep your back to the wall. Act nervous.
30.Lick your plate. Offer to lick theirs.
31.Hum. Loudly. In monotone.
32.Fill your pockets with sugar packets, as well as salt and pepper shakers, silverware, floral arrangements... i.e anything on the table that isn't bolted down.
33.Hold a debate. Take both sides.
34.Undress your date verbally. Use a bullhorn.
35.Auction your date off for silverware.
36.Slide under the table. Take your plate with you.
37.Order a baked potato for a side dish. When the waiter brings your food, hide the potato, wait a few minutes, and ask the waiter for the potato you "never got". When the waiter returns with another potato for you, have the first one back up on the plate. Repeat later in the meal.
38.Order beef tongue. Make lewd comparisons or comments.
39.Get your date drunk. Talk about their philosophy. Get it on tape, and use good judgement in editing to twist their words around.
40.Discuss boils and lesions, as if from personal experience.
41.Speak in pig latin throughout the meal (Or ubber-dubber language, or just nonsense).
42.Take a break, and go into the restroom. When you return to the table, throw a spare pair of underwear on the back of one of the chairs. Insist that they just need airing out.
43.If they are paying, order the most expensive thing on the menu. Take one bite.
44.Bring 20 or so candles with you, and during the meal get up and arrange them around the table in a circle. Chant.
45.Save the bones from your meal, and explain that you're taking them home to your invalid, senile old mother, because it's a lot cheaper than actually feeding her.
46.Order your food by colors and textures. Sculpt.
47.Take a thermos along, and hide it under the table. Order coffee, and fill the thermos one cup at a time, taking advantage of the free refills.
48.Insist that the waiter cuts your food into little pieces. In a simliar vein, insist that he take a bite of everything on the plate, to make sure no one poisoned it.
49.Accuse your date of espionage.
50.Make odd allusions to dangerous religious cults.
51.Don't use any verbs during the entire meal.
52.Pass the hat in the restaurant. Use the proceeds (if any) to pay the bill.
53.Break wind loudly. Add color commentary. Bow.
54.Feed imaginary friends, or toy dolls you've brought along.
55.Bring a bucket along. Explain that you frequently get ill.


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