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Subject: FW: The Forward to End All Forwards

Hello, my name is Alfonso Merkin. I am suffering from rare and deadly diseases, poor scores on final exams, lack of sexual activity, fear of being kidnapped and executed by anal electrocution, and guilt for not sending out 50 billion fucking forwards sent to me by people who actually believe that if you send them, that poor 6 year old girl in Arkansas with lung cancer brought on by second-hand smoke from the cigarettes smoked by the big bad men who kidnapped her and took pornographic pictures of her for use on their child pornography web site will get 6 fucking cents every time you send me the letter.

Do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you and everyone you send "his" email to $1000? How fucking stupid are you? Ooooh, looky here! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I'll get laid by every Victoria's Secret model in the catalog! What a bunch of bullshit.

So basically, this message is a big FUCK YOU to all the people out there who have nothing better to do than to send me stupid forwards. Maybe the evil chainletter leprechauns will come into my dorm room and sodomize me in my sleep for not continuing the chain which was started by Jesus in 5 A.D. and was brought to this country by midget pilgrims on the Mayflower and if it makes it to the year 2000, it'll be in the Guinness Book of World Records for longest continuous streak of blatant stupidity. Fuck them.

If you're going to forward something, at least send something mildly amusing. I've seen all the "send this to 50 of your closest friends, and this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive a nickel from some "omniscient being" forwards about 90 times. I don't fucking care. Show a little intelligence and think about what you're actually contributing to by sending out forwards. Chances are it's your own unpopularity.

Thank you, and feel free to delete this email without sending it on to others (unless they have it coming).


One day a little cat was walking through the park when he came across a pond. He peered into the pond and noticed that at the bottom of the pond there was a little cocktail sausage. The cat was feeling quite happy so as the water wasn't that deep he reached in with his little paw, hooked the sausage out and ate it.

The next day the cat was walking through the park again and peered into the pond. There was another sausage in the pond but this time it was a normal sized one, so the cat reached in. This time he had to put his whole arm into the pond. The cat hooked the sausage out and ate it.

The next day things go basically the same and the cat again looks into the pond. There he found an enormous Cumberland sausage at the bottom for the pond. It looked so delicious but it was so deep that he had to really stretch to get it, then SPLASH - he fell in.

The moral of the story is: The Bigger the Sausage, The Wetter the Pussy!


A guy found a magic lamp and naturally, rubbed it. The genie popped out and said, "I'll grant you any wish you want."

The guy thought and thought and finally gave his answer, "I want to be hard all the time and get all the ass I want." "As you wish," the genie replied.

So, the genie turned him into a toilet seat...


This was on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno on September 7, 1999. Jay went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. The winner described her worst first date experience.There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize! She said it was midwinter...snowing and quite cold...and the guy had taken her skiing. It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and truly had never met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon. They were
driving back down the mountain when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte.
They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere. Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while. Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her pee beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car. They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started.
Unfortunately, in the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself. Her companion stood on the other side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather
embarrassing nature of the situation.

Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to pump handles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem due to the extreme cold. Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor she answered her date's concerns about "what was taking so long" with a reply that indeed, she was "freezing her butt off and needed some assistance"! He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally
managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem. Both agreed it would taking something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal.

Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free so, as she looked the other way, her first time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender. Rescue accomplished, they returned to the car although for the remainder of the trip home there wasn't much conversation and apparently, despite their "intimate encounter", the two did not see one another again.


What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.


What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
They both like a tight seal.


If a light-sleeper sleeps with a light on, what does a hard-sleeper sleep with?


A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town, which he planned to visit on his vacation. He wrote, "I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?"

An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, "I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill.

Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel, and if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too!"


A pheasant was standing in a field chatting to a bull.
"I would love to be able to get to the top of yonder tree', sighed the pheasant, 'but I haven't got the energy'.
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. 'They're packed with nutrients'.
The pheasant pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. And so on. Finally, after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Whereupon he was spotted by a farmer who dashed into the farmhouse, emerged with a shotgun, and shot the pheasant right out of the tree.

The Moral of the Story: Bullshit might get you to the top,...but it won't keep you there!


Their once was a woman from Bombay,
She carved a pussy out of clay.
The heat from his dick,
Turned it into brick,
And ripped all his foreskin away.


A man comes home from work one day to find his girlfriend at the front with her bags packed and ready to leave.
The man asks, "why are you leaving?" she replies "word around the neighborhood is that your a pedophile."
He answers "That's a pretty big word for a six year old.


What do jello and women have in common?
They both quiver when you eat them!


Joe went to the restaurant where the Lion's Club meets every week, sat down and prepared to have a nice lunch and listen to today's speaker. All of a sudden, the host of the lunch came up to him and said "Joe, you have to make a speech today."
Joe says, "Are you nuts? Where is the scheduled speaker?"
The host replies, "He backed out at the last minute and now I have no speaker. You have to do it."
Joe answers, "You're crazy. What would I speak about?"
The host says, "Anything, anything at all."
Joe squares his shoulders and straightens his tie and says, "All right - I'll talk about sex."
After the meeting, everyone complimented Joe on his speech. They thought it was very good. Joe goes home that evening and says to his wife,"Honey, guess what? I made a speech at the Lion's Club meeting and everyone thought it was great."
"What was the speech about, dear?" his wife asks.
Joe, looking down at his feet, replies "uh, it was about ... sailing!"
The next day, Joe's wife was downtown shopping and happened to run into the local bank manager. He comes up to her and states "You ought to be very proud of your husband. He made a fantastic speech at the luncheon yesterday!" She replied, "You know, he told me that, but I don't understand it! He's only done it twice -- the first time he got sick and the second time his hat blew off!"


Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
A: Ask your mom.

Q: What is the quickest way to clear out a men's restroom?
A: Say, "Nice dick."

Q: How do you know you're leading a sad life?
A: When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Let's just be friends."

Q: What do you get when you cross Billy Ray Cyrus and a yeast infection?
A: An itchy, twitchy twat.

Q: Are birth control pills deductible?
A: Only if they don't work

Q: What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
A: If we don't get some support soon, people are going to think we're nuts.

Q: Why don't bunnies make noise when they make love?
A: Because they have cotton balls.

Q: What do you get when you cross an Owl and a Rooster?
A: A cock that stays up all night.

Q: Mom's have Mother's Day, Father's have Father's Day. What do single guys have?
A: Palm Sunday

Q: Why is being in the military like a blowjob?
A: The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

Q: What do you call a ninety year old man who can still masturbate?
A: Miracle Whip.


A guy is sitting on an airplane when he sees a beautiful woman sitting across the aisle. He notices that she is reading a magazine about penis size, so he decides he had better introduce himself. He walks across and says, "What you reading?" She says, "Well, it says here that Native Americans have the thickest cocks of all men. And it also says that Polish men have the longest cocks of all men. Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't get your name."
"Tonto Kowalski"


There was a father who was very proud of his three daughters. Every night he took a stroll around the house to make sure everything was all right. One night when he was doing his stroll, he could hear laughter coming from his youngest daughter's room. He stood there for a while and thought about this, but reached the conclusion that he could always ask her tomorrow, instead of bothering her at this time of the night.

When he reached the window of his second daughter, he could hear her crying. He thought about this too, but ultimately he decided to ask her tomorrow and continued. There were no sounds at all coming from his oldest daughter's room, and he then went to bed, satisfied.

The next day, when they all were gathered around the breakfast table, he said to his youngest daughter "I heard you laughing last night, as I walked past your window. Why was that?"
She answered "That's because you taught me to laugh when someone was making me happy..."
He then asked his second daughter "I heard you crying last night, why was that?"
She answered "That's because you taught me to cry when someone was making me hurt..."
He then told his oldest daughter "I didn't hear anything from you..."
She said "That's because you taught me not to talk with my mouth full..."


Q: What is the area between the vagina and the anus called?
A: A chin rest.


Q: What do you call a female midget who's nice and gives head?
A: Short, sweet, and to the point!


Q: What is 68?
A: You do me and I owe you one.


Q: What's the definition of confusion?
A: 20 blind lesbians at a fish market.


Q: Why do farts smell?
A: So deaf people can enjoy them too.


Q: Why did they kick the midget out of the nudist colony?
A: He was getting into everybody's hair.


Q: What's the difference between your sister and a Cadillac?
A: Most people haven't been in a Cadillac.


Q: How can you tell that you have a high sperm count?
A: Your girlfriend has to chew before swallowing!


So it seems this penguin was driving through a small town when his car broke down. He called AAA, and his car was towed to a local garage where the mechanic told him he would need a couple of hours to check out the problem. The penguin wasn't in any particular hurry, so he wandered off to look around.

Entering a local supermarket, he bought some fish sticks and some vanilla ice cream for lunch, and then hung out in the frozen foods section until it was time to return to the garage.

The mechanic, seeing him enter the garage, came over wiping his hands on a rag, and shaking his head, saying "It looks like you blew a seal." Blushing, the penguin quickly wiped his bill with his flippers, and replied, "Oh no! It's just ice cream!"


The National Poetry Contest had come down to 2 semi-finalists, a Yale graduate and a Newfoundlander. They were given a single word, then two minutes to come up with a poem that contained the word.

The word they were given was Timbuktu.

First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped up to the microphone and said:

"Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked a lonely caravan.
Men on camels, two by two
Destination - Timbuktu."

The crowd went crazy! No way could the Newfie top that, they thought.
The Newfie calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:

"Me and Tim a-huntin' went,
Met three whores in a pop-up tent.
They was three and we was two,
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu.

THE NEWFIE WON HANDS DOWN.


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