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Presidential and Political Jokes

The Secretary of Defense is briefing President Bush on Iraq.
"Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."
"Oh no!" exclaims the president, "That's terrible!" His staff is stunned at this unprecedented display of emotion, watching as Bush sits, head in hands.
Finally, he looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"

Why does Hillary want to have sex with Bill Clinton first thing in the morning?
She wants to be the first lady.

Whats the difference between Bill Clinton and JFK?
One got his head blown off in the back of a limousine, the other got assasinated.

An official Gallup survey polled over 1000 women with the question: Would you sleep with Bill Clinton?
1% said, "No"
2% said, "Yes"
97% said, "Never Again"

Now we know why Bill had the affair with Monica? Hillary only blows elections.

How does Obama sleep?
First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.

Why is it not surprising that Republicans lost two presidental races to Obama?
In long races usually the guy from Kenya wins.

Did you know that McDonald's is offering the Obama Happy Meal?
Order anything you want. And the guy behind you has to pay for it.

What does Obama do after a wet dream?
Get up and screw the country.

Why did Barack Obama bulldoze the Rose Garden?
He didn't want any Bushes at the White House.

What is Donald Trump telling all his supporters?
Orange Is The New Black.

At a news conference, a journalist said to the politician running for the presidency,
"Your secretary said publicly that you have a small penis. Would you please comment on this."
"The truth is," replied Donald Trump, "That she has a big mouth."

Why does Hillary prefer dogs to Bill Clinton?
A dog chases his own tail

Q. Why is President Clinton the greatest president of all time?
A. Because he was always HARD at work.

Donald Trump has just released new details about his plan to send illegals back to Mexico.
Heís gonna deport them Juan by Juan.

The following conversation took place between Hillary Clinton and Satan.
Hillary: I thought you said I was gonna win the election!!
Satan: I thought you said you had a soul.

Monica Lewinsky - John Wilkes Booth Similarities

Booth- Shot Lincoln in the back of the head.
Monica- Clinton shot her in the face.

Booth- Did his dirty deed on a theatre.
Monica- Did the dirty deed with her theatre coach.

Booth- Tripped, broke his leg.
Monica- Linda Tripp broke her friendship.

Booth- Killed by a religious zealot who had no testicles. (This is true, look it up)
Monica- Kenneth Starr

Booth- Died in a barn.
Monica- Big as a barn.

Booth- Co-conspirators were hanged straight away.
Monica- A very important co-conspirator is hung crookedly, by all reports.

Why does Bill drink so much coffee?
So he can stay up for long hours, to satisfy the needs of his staff!

Dan Quayle, Newt Gingrich, and Bill Clinton are traveling in a car together in the midwest. A tornado comes along and whirls them up into the air and tosses them thousands of yards away.

When they come down and extract themselves from the vehicle, they realize they're in the land of Oz. They decide to go to see the Wizard of Oz.

Quayle says, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a brain."
Gingrich says, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a heart."
Clinton says, "Where's Dorothy?"

"I feel schizophrenic; first he says 'open your mouth,' then he says 'keep it closed.'"
- Monica Lewinski

President Clinton's Motto: Eatin' ain't cheatin'

Two of Bill's sperm were racing toward the cervix and the first one said, "How far do you think it is to the fallopian tubes?"

The other one said "It can't be too far. I think we just passed the tonsils."

Clinton blows the sax, Starr blows the whistle, and Monica blows the skin flute.

What has four legs and smells like fish?
Clinton's desk.

Why did the Clinton's name their dog Buddy?
Because nobody around the White House wanted to yell, " Come Spot!!!!"

A woman who was the neighbor of Bill Clinton was having a bad day. Clinton harassed her constantly. Whenever she tried to do something Clinton always messed her up. One day, as she was putting her pants on a clothesline to dry, Clinton sneaked over and pulled them down. She decided to ignore it.

The next day, she let her cat, Pussy out for a walk. Bill saw this and caught the cat and ripped the hair out. This infuriated the woman. The next time Clinton did something she would report it. The next day, she let her dog, Ass out for a walk. Clinton saw the dog and chased it away. She had had enough. She went to the local police station and this is what she reported:

Q: What is Bill Clinton's worst nightmare?
A: An intern with braces.

Q: What is Clinton's favorite chips?
A: Lays

Q: What does Clinton tell an intern when they leave his office?
A: Be sure not to hit your head on the desk.

How is a vending machine and Monica Lewinsky different?
A vending macine won't accept wrinkled bill's.

Why didn't Clinton do anything about Elian Gonzales?
The last time he stuck a cuban somewhere he was almost impeached.

What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?
A: 1 US leader

Q: Why is Clinton so reluctant to decide the fate of Elian Gonzalez?
A: 'Coz the last time he decided where to put a Cuban he almost got impeached!

Why did Bill Clinton call his dog "Buddy"?
Because no one is allowed to say "come Spot" in the White House!

Bill Clinton and his driver were cruising along a country road one night when all of a sudden they hit a pig, killing it instantly. Bill told his driver to go up to the farm house and explain to the owners what had happened.
About 1 hour later Bill sees his driver staggering back to the car with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and his clothes all ripped and torn.
"What happened to you," asked Bill.
Well, the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the Cigar and his 19 year old daughter made mad passionate love to me.
"My God, what did you tell them", asks Clinton.
The driver replied, "I'm Bill Clinton's driver, and I just killed the pig".

Q : What's the difference between Bill Clinton and the Titanic?
A : They know how many went down on the Titanic.

Former Vice President Dan Quayle, Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich and President Bill Clinton are traveling by car together in the Midwest when a tornado comes along suddenly, whirls them up into the air and tosses them thousands of yards away. When they finally crawl out from under their car, they realize that they're in the Land of Oz, so they decide to go to see the Wizard.

When they finally confront the Wizard, Dan Quayle steps forward first and says, "I would very much like you to give me a brain."
Newt Gingrich steps forward next and says, "I would very much like you to give me a heart."
President Clinton glances left and right, then ask, "Where's Dorothy?"

Q: Why did Clinton quit playing the saxaphone?
A: Because he picked up the whore-monica.

Q: Did you hear about that new car that's dedicated to President Clinton?
A: It's gonna be called the Dodge Drafter.

Q: Why does the secret service guard Hillary so closely?
A: Because if something happens to her, Bill becomes President.

Q: Bill, Hillary, and Al are in a boat. The boat sinks. Who is saved?
A: The United States of America.

President Clinton had been walking around the White House and going to meetings all day with a pair of pink ladies' panties on his arm. Reporters and staff observed this phenomenon and of course wondered what he was doing. At an afternoon press conference, one reporter got brave enough to ask him why he had a pair of ladies' panties on his arm.
The President replied: "It's the patch; I'm trying to quit."

Q : What do Monica Lewinsky and Bob Dole have in common?
A : They were both upset when Bill finished first.

Q : What did Clinton say when asked if he had used protection?
A : "Sure, there was a guard standing right outside the door."

In a survey of American women, when asked, Would you sleep with President Clinton, 86% replied, Not again!

Hillary Clinton went into a pet shop and found a beautiful parrot.
"Does this parrot talk?" she asked. "Yes, he does," the manager told her.
"But why is this one only $50 and all the others are $500?" she asked.
"Well, ma'am," the manager told her,
"not everyone would want to own this parrot. He spent years in a whore house and his language is foul."
"Well, I want him," she said.
"Suit yourself," the manager shrugged.

When she got the parrot back to the White House, she uncovered his cage and admired the bird. The parrot tilted his head to one side, looked her straight in the eye and said, "New house, new madam." Hillary laughed.
Soon Chelsea and a friend came in and began admiring the bird.
"New house, new whores," the parrot observed.
At first they were offended, but when Hillary explained about the bird's history, they too, laughed. After a while the President entered the living quarters. The parrot looked at him and said, "Hi, Bill!"

Bill Clinton is walking down a corridor in the White House when he sees a pretty young girl walking towards him.
"Hello," he says "are you new here."
"Yes," she replies "I started yesterday."
"Ah," answers Bill "I thought I hadn't come across your face before."

Top 10 Names for Ben & Jerry's new Presidential Ice Cream

1. Impeach-Mint
2. Big Banana Blast
3. Hyperactive Nuts
4. Chilly Hillbilly Vanilla
5. Pantstachio
6. Subpoena Colada
7. Peppermint Fattie
8. Captain Cream
9. Draft-Dodging Pot-Smoking Intern-Nailing Cherry Swirl
10. Rocky Road

Top 10 Dirty White House Jobs

10. "Polishing the Presidential podium"
9. "Unwrapping the Big Mac"
8. "Taking Buddy for a walk"
7. "Handling the hotline"
6. "Vacuuming under the Oval Office desk"
5. "Waxing Air Force One"
4. "Shaking hands with the French ambassador"
3. "Giving the President an oral briefing"
2. "Taking dictation"
1. "Polling"

What did Monica's dentist say?
"She has the whitest teeth I ever came across"

Stop blaming Monica. The whole mess could have been prevented if Hillary had just used her HEAD.

"Boy, I am scared," Clinton said to one of his friends, "I got a letter from a guy who said he'd break my legs if I didn't stop seeing his wife."
"Well," replied his friend, "I guess you'll have to stop seeing his wife."
"Easy for you to say."
"You like her that much?" the friend asks.
"It's not that," declared Clinton. "He didn't sign his name."

One day Bill Clinton and Al Gore are pissing in the same bathroom. Bill notices that Al has a huge schlong. "Damn", he says; "how did it get that big?"

"Well", Al tells him, "Every night before I go to bed, I beat it on the bedpost fifty times. This also works wonders before sex."

So, that night, Clinton sneaks in late, and starts beating the bedpost with his schlong. Hillary rolls over and says "Is that you, Al?"

President Bill Clinton called Canadian Prime Minister Jean Chretien with an emergency:
"Our largest condom factory has exploded!" the American President cried "My people's favourite form of birth control! This is a true disaster!" "Bill, the Canadian people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you," replied the Prime Minister. "I do need your help," said Clinton. "Could you possibly send 1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tide us over?"

"Why certainly! I'll get right on it!" said Chretien.
"Oh, and one more small favour, please?" said Clinton.
"Could the condoms be red, white & blue in colour at least 10"long and 4" in diameter?" said Clinton.
"No problem," replied the Prime Minister and, with that, Chretien hung up and called the President of Trojan.
"I need a favour,you've got to make 1,000,000 condoms right away and send them to America."
"Consider it done," said the President of Trojan.
"Great! Now listen, they have to be red, white & blue in colour; at least 10" long and 4" in diameter."
"Easily done. Anything else?"
"Yeah," said the Prime Minister, "and print 'MADE IN CANADA, SIZE: MEDIUM'on each one."

In an interview with Jenifer Flowers, she was asked if her affair with Clinton, was similar to his affair with Monica Lewinsky. Her response was, close but no cigar...

John Cleese was on American TV recently and was asked for the difference between English and American people.

In reply he said that there were three differences:

1. We speak English and you don't.
2. When we hold a World Championship for a particular sport, we invite teams from other countries.
3. When you meet the head of state in England, you only have to go down on one knee.

Possible Titles for Lewinsky's New Book

I Suck At My Job
What Really Goes Down In The White House
How I Blew It In Washington
You Have to Work Hard to Find the Softer Side of the President
Testing the Limits of the Gag Rule
Going Back for Gore
Podium Girl
Secret Services to the President
Harass is Not Two Words: The Story of Bill Clinton
Deep Inside The Oval Office
The Congressional Study on White House Intern Positions
She's Chief of MY Staff!
How To Beat Off the Government
Going Down and Moving Up
Members of the Presidential Cabinet
Me and My Big Mouth.

American Press - Monica Lewinsky, in a statement released today, countered President Clinton's firm denial:
"I have had enough. This whole experience has left a bitter taste in my mouth, and I can't stomach it any more. I feel as if I am getting the shaft, that this ugly matter has come to a head and blown up in my face.

"I have licked bigger things than this before, and I will again. No one will ever be able to say that Monica Lewinsky isn't a finisher,that she quit before the job was done. I will work non-stop and fight this, blow by blow, until I am wiped clean of this dirty affair. I will not be stained by it.

Bill and Hillary are now married 40 years. When they first got married, Bill said, "I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it."

In all their 40 years of marriage, Hillary never looked. However, on the afternoon of their 40th anniversary, curiosity got the best of her, and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $1,874.25 in cash. She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why.

That evening they were out for a special dinner. After dinner Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed say, "I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much, and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the empty cans in the box?"

Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."

Hillary was shocked, but said, "I am very disappointed and saddened, but I guess after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does happen and I guess that 3 times is not that bad considering the years."

They hugged and made their peace. A little while later Hillary asked Bill, "Why do you have all that money in the box?" Bill answered, "Whenever the box filled with empties, I cashed them in."

Bill Clinton's latest intern was sitting quietly, getting on with her work, when the President himself popped in,
"Hey, come into the oval room & have a look at my clock!"
"Err, I am not sure if that is such a good idea Mr. President."
"Why not, there's no harm in it, you just have to come into the office & have a look at my clock."
"No really - I think that it would be best if I didn't."
"Oh Come on - it is just a clock, just pop in and have a look"
"Well, if you insist, but I'll be quick, and I only want to see the clock."
As they went into the oval office, Clinton closed the door, and to the intern's astonishment, dropped his trousers, revealing all.
"That's not a clock!" she said.
"Well it will be if you put two hands and a face on it ..."

Monica was getting a lot of media attention so she decided that she needed to slim down a bit. She said doctor please I need my love handles removed. The doctor replied. Sorry Monica its going to be difficult to remove your ears.

Did you all hear that President Clinton wants to change the national anthem?
He wants to change it to - Yank my doodle it's a dandy.

Monica Lewinski desperatly wanted a bird for Christmas...
SO... Bill gave her a swallow!!

One sunny winter day, President Clinton wakes up and looks out the window. What he sees is horrible. Someone wrote "Die Bill Die" in the snow in piss. Imediately Bill calls over his good friend, the director of the FBI. And tells him to find the culprit. After a few weeks, the director comes back and tells Bill that he has good news, bad news and worse news. The President asks to hear the good news first:
The director says: "The good news is we found the cuprit"
Bill Clinton says: "Who is he?"
The director says: "Thats the bad news. The DNA test revealed that AL GORE is the culprit."
Bill Clinton says: "Are you sure?"
The director says: "Yes. Very sure."
Bill Clinton says: "Whats the worse news?"
The Director says: "It was in your wife's handwriting!"

Q: What do Monica Lewinsky and Lee Harvey Oswald have in common?
A: They both blew a president out of office!

Bill Clinton and J.F.K.?
One got his head blown off in the back of a car and the other one was assassinated.

Monica Lewinsky walks into a dry-cleaners, and asks to have a dress cleaned. The clerk, who is a little hard of hearing, says, "Come again?".
"No!", Monica screamed, "Mustard".

Bill Clinton in his court testimony...I didn't realise that Monica Lewinsky had a hearing problem until I said to her..."The meal served to me last night was dreadful! Why don't you come up to my room and sack my cook!"

Q: What's the difference between Clinton and a screwdriver?
A: A screwdriver turns in screws, Clinton screws interns!

Q: Why does Hillary want to have sex with Bill every day at 5 am?
A: She wants to make sure that she is the first lady.

Q: What is Bill's definition of safe sex?
A: When Hillary is out of town.

Q: What is the difference between Clinton and the Titanic?
A: Only 200 women went down on the Titanic.

Q: Why is Clinton so interested in events in the Middle East?
A: He thinks the Gaza Strip is a topless bar.

A man on his way home from work at the Pentagon came to a dead halt in traffic & thought to himself, "Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. Nothing's even moving."
He notices a police officer walking back and forth between the lines of cars so he rolls down his window and asks,
"Excuse me Officer, what's the hold up?"
The Officer replies,
"The President just found out he was impeached and he's all depressed. He stopped his motorcade in the middle of the Beltway and he's threatening to douse himself in gasoline and set himself on fire. He says his family hates him and he doesn't have the $33.5 million he owes his lawyers. I'm walking around taking up a collection for him."
"Oh really? How much have you collected so far?"
"I've got a lot of folks still siphoning; but right now I have about three hundred gallons."

Clinton walks into a restaurant and is seated in one of the booths. All the waitresses are knock-down gorgeous. A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt and legs that won't quit came to his table... She asked: "What would you like, Mr. President?" Clinton looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, then answers: "A quickie." The waitress stomps off in total disgust. After she regains her composure she returns and asks again: "What would you like, Mr. President?" Again Clinton thoroughly checks her out and again answers: "A quickie, please." This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding "SMACK!" and storms away. A Secret Service agent, sitting at the next table, leans over and whispers, "Um, Mr. President, I think it's pronounced 'QUICHE'."

Q: How does Bill Clinton practice "Safe Sex"?
A: He leaves the celophane on the cigar!

Q. Whatís the difference between Bill and Monica.
A. One canít come clean and the other one can't clean cum.

Q. What's Monica's favorite instrument?
A. She's good at the piano, but she sucks at the organ!

Why are Monica Lewinski's cheeks so puffy?
She 's withholding evidence.

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