Relationship Jokes

My boyfriend and I were at my son's volleyball game when we noticed an adult couple in the bleachers. They were being VERY affectionate. She was running her hands all over him and nibbling on his ear. He had his hands on her chest. I said to my boyfriend, "I don't know whether to watch them or the game."
He said, "Watch THEM ! You already KNOW how to play volleyball."

A young lady went to a dance, and she had a lowcut, strapless gown on. Around her neck she wore a little golden airplane on a long chain. All night she noticed a young man, staring at her.

In her embarrasment, she held up the airplane and said, "Oh, you like my airplane, huh?"
The young man smiled mischievously. "No ma'am, I was just admiring the landing field."

At a party Myrddin cornered a girl and whispered something in her ear.
"You filthy pervert!" she shrieked. "What makes you think I'd let you do a thing like that to me?"
Then her eyes narrowed and she said, "Unless you're the son-of-a-bitch that stole my diary."

Two out of work bums decided that they would be better off in a
more downtown location so they hitched a ride with a trucker. The
driver dropped them off in the city's red-light district.

A hooker approached one of the bums and said, "Hey guy, would you
like a hand job?"

The bum shook his head and said, "Uhhh, no it's okay!"

A few minutes later another hooker approached the bums and said,
"Hey guy, would you like a blow job?"

The bum again shook his head and said, "Uhhh, no it's okay!"

After the hooker left the bum turned to his buddy and said, "We'd better go back where we came from. We've only been here 10 minutes and we've been offered two jobs already!"

A guy and several of his buddies used to frequent a certain restaurant. The food was always good, but the waitress always looked and sounded very sour.

One evening, one of the friends was feeling rather good, and jokingly asked the waitress when she came to take their orders, "Ma'am, do you believe in free love?"

The waitress huffed up and almost yelled at the man, "I certainly do not!"
With a great big grin, the man asked, "Well, Darlin', what do you charge?"

A guy came home early and found his wife in bed with another man.
"What the hell are you doing?" shouted the irate husband.
"See?" the wife said to the man lying beside her,
"Didn't I tell you he doesn't know a thing about sex?"

A doctor started having an affair with his nurse, and shortly after this started, she announced that she had become pregnant. Not wanting his wife to find out, he gave her a large amount of money and asked her to go out of the country, to Germany, to wait out the pregnancy & have the baby over there.

"But, how will you know when our baby is born?" she asked.
"Well, after you've had the baby, just send me a postcard and write 'sauerkraut' on the back."

Not knowing what else to do, she took the money & left for Germany. Six months went by & then one day the doctor's wife called him at his office.
"Dear, you received a very strange post card in the mail today," she explained.
"I don't understand what it means!"
"Just wait till I get home and I'll read it," he replied. Later that evening, the doctor came home and read his postcard which said:

"SAUERKRAUT, SAUERKRAUT, SAUERKRAUT; TWO WITH WIENERS, ONE WITHOUT!"

"Honey, I have a confession to make," a guy told his bride. "I'm a golf nut.
You'll never see me on weekends during golf season."
"Well, dear," she murmured. "I have a confession to make too. I'm a hooker."
"No big deal," replied the groom. "Just keep your head down and your left arm straight."

After attending a party for his boss, the life of the party was nursing a king-size hangover and asked his wife "What the hell happened?".
"As usual, you made an ass of yourself in front of your boss," replied the wife.
"Piss on him," answered the husband.
"You did," said the wife, "and he fired you."
"Well, fuck him," said the husband.
"I did, and you go back to work in the morning."

A newlywed couple is getting ready for bed when the husband says, "Honey, now that we're married, it's okay for me to see your body. Would you open your robe so I can have a look?"

She opens her robe and lets her husband see her naked body.
And he says, "You are so so so beautiful.  Can I get the camera and take a picture?"
"Why do you want to do that?" she asks.
"Because I love you so so so much, and I'd like to keep your picture next to my heart forever!"

She allows him to get the camera and take the picture.  Then she says, "Honey, now that we're married, it's okay for me to see your body too. Would you open your robe so I can have a look?"

He opens his robe and lets his wife see his naked body.
And she asks, "Can I get the camera and take a picture?"
"Why do you want to do that?" he asks her.
"Because I want to get it enlarged!"

A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. "Well, how was the honeymoon?" asked the mother.
"Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..."
Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language. He's been saying things I've never heard before! All these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home... please mama!"
"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words has he been using?"
"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed! They're just too awful! You've got to come get me and take me home... please mama!"
"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset... Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!" Still sobbing, the bride replied,
"Oh, mama...words like dust, wash, iron, and cook..."

Two men from Texas were sitting at a bar, when a young lady nearby began to choke on a hamburger. As she gasped and gagged, one Texan turned to the other and said,
"That little gal is havin' a bad time. I'm gonna go over there and help."
He ran over to the young lady, held both sides of her head in his big Texan hands, and asked,
"Kin ya swaller?"
Gasping, she shook her head no. He asked, "Kin ya breathe?" Still gasping she again shook her head no. With that, he yanked up her skirt, pulled down her panties and licked her on the butt. The young woman was so shocked that she coughed up the piece of hamburger and began to breathe on her own. The Texan sat back down with his friend and said,
"Ya know, it's sure amazin' how that hind-lick maneuver always works"

A female loves to golf with her husband, but her game could improve, so she decides to take private lessons. The wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and says,
"No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard."
"What can I do?" asks the wife.
"Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's penis."
The wife takes the advice, swings & Thump. The ball goes straight down the fairway...about 15 ft.
"That was great," the pro says with a straight face.
"Now, take the club out of your mouth and swing it like you're supposed to!"

A young man met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500. So they did. Before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."
On the way to his office he regretted what he had promised, deciding that the whole event was not worth the price. So, he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed the following note:

Dear Madam,
Enclosed find check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when I rented the apartment I was under the impression that:
1) it had never been occupied;
2) that there was plenty of heat;
3) that it was small enough to make me cozy and feel at home. Last night, however, I found it had been previously occupied, that there was no heat,and it was entirely too large. Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note:

Dear Sir,
First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is heat if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is, indeed, of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please don't blame the landlady!

After attending the theater, two gentlemen were walking down the avenue when they observed a well dressed and attractive young lady walking ahead of them. One of them turned to the other and remarked, "I'd give $250.00 to spend the night with that woman."
Much to their surprise, the young lady overheard and replied, "I'll take you up on that offer."
She had a neat appearance and a pleasant voice, so after bidding his companion good night, the man accompanied the young lady to her apartment. The following morning the man presented her with $125.00 as he prepared to leave. She demanded the rest of the money, stating
"If you don't give me the other $125.00, I'll sue you for it."
He laughed, saying "I'd like to see you get it on these grounds."

The next day he was surprised when he received a summons ordering his presence in court as a defendant in a lawsuit. He hurried to his lawyer and explained the details of the case. His lawyer said "She can't possibly get a judgment against you on such grounds, but it will be interesting to see how her case will be presented."
After the usual preliminaries, the lady's lawyer addressed the court as follows:
"Your honor, my client, is the owner of a piece of property, a garden spot, surrounded by a profuse growth of shrubbery, which property she agreed to rent to the defendant for a specified length of time for the sum of $250.00. The defendant took possession of the property, used it extensively for the purposes for which it was rented, but upon evacuating the premises, he paid only $125.00, one-half of the amount agreed upon. The rent wasn't excessive, since it is restricted property, and we ask judgment be granted against the defendant to assure payment of the balance."

The defendant's lawyer was impressed and amused by the way his opponent had presented the case. His defense, therefore was somewhat different from the way originally planned to present it.

"Your honor," he said, "My client agrees that the lady has a fine piece of property, that he did rent such property for a time, and a degree of pleasure was derived from the transaction. However, my client found a well on the property around which he placed his own stones, sunk a shaft, and erected a pump, all labor performed personally by him. We claim these improvements to the property were sufficient to offset the unpaid amount, and that the plaintiff was adequately compensated for the rental of said property. We, therefore, ask that judgment not be granted."

The young lady's lawyer answered thus "Your honor, my client agrees that the defendant did find a well on her property. However, had the defendant not known that the well existed, he would never have rented the property. Also, upon evacuating the premises, the defendant removed the stones, pulled out the shaft, and took the pump with him. In doing so, he not only dragged the equipment through the shrubbery, but left the hole much larger than it was prior to his occupancy, making the property much less desirable to others. We, therefore, ask that judgment be granted."

In the Judge's decision, he provided for two options:
"Pay the $125.00 or have the equipment detached and provided to the plaintiff for damages."The defendant wrote a check immediately!

One day this guy comes home from work, very early. His wife questions him on his arriving home so early from work. "I got fired," the man replied.
"Why?" questioned his wife.
"Well, I got my pecker caught in the pickle slicer." the man stated.
"What happen with the pickle slicer?" the wife asked.
"Oh, they fired her too." the man replied.

A big-rig operator stopped to pick up a female hitchhiker wearing REALLY short shorts.
"Say, What's your name, mister?" she inquired, after she climbed up in the truck.
"It's Snow----Roy Snow," he answered, "and what's yours?"
"Me, I'm June----June Hansen," she said.
After a short while she asked, "Hey, why do you keep sizing me up with those sidelong glances?"
"Can you imagine what it might be like," he countered,
"....having eight inches of Snow in June?"

How To Impress A Woman from Heather

Compliment her,
cuddle her,
kiss her,
caress her,
love her,
stroke her,
tease her,
comfort her,
protect her,
hug her,
hold her,
spend money on her,
wine and dine her,
buy her things,
listen to her,
care for her,
stand by her,
support her,
go to the ends of the earth for her.

How To Impress A Man
Show up naked.
Bring beer.

A guy went into a bar and met a nice girl. They have a few drinks and soon wound up at his place, in bed. They're having a great time. She was on top when suddenly she had an epileptic seizure -- she was shaking and foaming at the mouth.

Our uninformed male thought this was incredible -- best sex he'd ever had. He finished, but she is still shaking and thrashing about with her seizure. He began to get nervous and took her to the emergency room. A nurse asked what the problem was and he replied, "I think her orgasm's stuck".

A frustrated housewife decided her sex life needed spicing up after 20 years of marriage. After her husband went to work she slipped out and went into a lingerie shop and picked up a pair of crotchless knickers. She went home, tarted herself up and donned the new garment and selected a short skirt to go with it.

She greeted her husband when he came home from work and sat across from him after she prepares him a drink. She slowly spread her legs, and in a husky come fuck me voice say's
"Honey, would you like some of this?"
The husband looks between his aging wife's legs and lets out his breath, looking up at his doting wife replies,
"HELL, NO! Look what its done to your underwear."

A guy wakes up in the morning. He has a massive hangover and can't remember anything he did last night. He picks up his dressing gown from the floor and puts it on. He notices there's something in one of the pockets and it turns out to be a bra.
He thinks to himself, "Uh oh. What happened last night?"

He walks towards the bathroom and finds a panty in the other pocket of his gown.
Again he thinks, "What happened last night. What have I done? It must have been a wild party," making his best attempt to conclude and accept the evidence.

He opens the bathroom door, walks in and has a look in the mirror. He notices a little string hanging out of his mouth and his only thought is,
"If there's a God, please let this be a tea bag."

Three men go into a bar and see this really fine girl in the corner. The first one says, "I bet you anything I can get her to eat three doughnuts off my dick." He walks over to her and returns a few minutes later with a satisfied look on his face.

The second man says, "I bet I can get her to eat four doughnuts off my dick." He approaches the girl and after a few minutes returns with a satisfied look on his face.

The third guy says, "I bet you I can get her to eat six doughnuts off my dick." He walks over. A few minutes later he returns with a bewildered expression. The first two men ask what happened. He replies, "She told me to go to the store and buy a box of Cheerios."

There was a lady, after a rough divorce, who was looking for a purely sexual relationship. In order to find someone to fill this position, she places a classified ad in a local paper advertising her needs. Later, she is talking on the phone to a friend about how poor the response when the doorbell rings. She gets off the phone and goes to answer the door. To her dismay, there is no one there."Down here" she hears. She looks down to see a guy with no arms and no legs sitting on her doorstep. "How can I help you?"
"I'm here about your ad"
"But you have no arms and no legs, how can you help?"
"Well, I rang the doorbell, didn't I?!"

A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an afterwork drink when an exceptionally gorgeous & sexy young woman entered. She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes off her. The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare and walked directly toward him. Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for £100 on one condition."

Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was. The young woman replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words." He quickly pulled his wallet from his pocket and slowly counted out five £20 notes, which he pressed into the young woman's hand. He looked into her eyes & slowly, meaningfully said..."Paint my house."

Two guys are in a bar discussing their sex lives. One guy says to the other, "How's your sex life buddy?"
The other guy says, "Not too good. Every time me and the missus have sex, she loses interest half-way through. It's very frustrating."
The first guy says, "Yeah, I know what you mean. I used to have the same problem, but I found a cure. I hid a starter pistol under the bed. When she started to run out of steam, I simply fired the starter pistol. It gave her such a fright that she got all excited, and couldn't get enough. I wish I'd done it years ago."
The other guy says, "OK, I think I'll try that."
The next day they are back in the bar again. The first guy says, "How did you get on with the starter pistol?"
The other guy says, "Don't talk to me about starter pistols! Last night we were having a little 69. As usual, she lost interest half way through, so I fired the starter pistol, just like you said."
The first guy says, "So what happened?" The other guy says, "She bit my cock, shit in my face, and a man came out of the closet with his hands up!"

A woman was feeling really horny and wanted her husband to fuck her. He didn't feel like it, he just wanted to read. As he was reading, he would reach over every once in a while and rub her cunt. She said, "If you don't want to fuck, will you stop teasing me? "He said, "I'm not teasing you, I'm wetting my fingers so I can turn the page!"

After fucking his girlfriend in the back seat of a car, a man threw the used rubber out of the window.  A little boy who was walking by picked it up. The man's girlfriend was really embarrassed and tried to trick the little boy into giving the rubber back.  She said,"Little boy, I'll give you $10 for that..errr...uhh..umm...twinkie you found!" 
"Ok," the boy said.  The little boy ran home with the ten bucks and said, "Mommy, mommy, guess what?"
"This lady gave me ten dollars for a twinkie I found on the ground and I had already eaten the cream out of the middle!"

A blond at a party was telling her friend that she was off men for life. "They lie, they cheat and they're just no good. From now on when I want sex, I'm going to use my vibrator"
"So, what when the batteries run out?" asked her friend
"I'll just fake an orgasm like always."

Mickey Mouse stood before the judge waiting for the verdict. "Mickey, I can't grant you a divorce, since the court has found Minnie to be mentally competent," proclaimed the judge. "But, Your Honour, I didn't say Minnie was crazy. I said she was fucking Goofy!"

THREE KINDS OF SEX

House Sex
When you're newly married and you have sex all over the house in every room.

Bedroom Sex
After you've been married for a while you just have sex in the bedroom.

Hall Sex
After you've been married for many, many years. You just pass each other in the hallway and say "FUCK YOU"

A man meets this woman who is incredibly attractive and has very large hooters. The man himself is attractive as well. Well they start dating, fall in love and decide to get married. But before the marriage the girl admits to her man that she doesn't really have big hooters but is flat as a board. The man says that's okay & admits to her that he is hung like a baby. Well wedding day comes and they are in the hotel that evening. They had waited until their wedding day to do the nasty so it was the first time they had seen each other in the buff. The girl steps out of the shower to be seen by her new husband, to which he replies, "Wow, you were right. You're flat as a board". The husband then disrobes to which the wife says, "Wow, you said you were hung like a baby but your really not!!". "That's right dear, I am hung like a baby, 7 pounds 6 ounces and 20 inches long"!

On their first night together, the newly weds decided to set up signals concerning their "urges". The lady said "If you want it, squeeze my BOOB once, if you don't want it, squeeze my BOOB twice."

The gent said "OK, if you want it, pull my DONG once, if you don't want it, pull my DONG 48 times."

These three women were sitting around one night talking about their boyfriends when they decided they would give their men nicknames based on kinds of soda. The first woman said: "I'm gonna call Tom "Mountain Dew" because he is as strong as a mountain and always wants to do it!" The second woman said: "I'm gonna call Bruce "7-Up" because he has seven inches and it is always up!" The third woman said: "I'm gonna call my man "Jack Daniels." The other two women responded: "Jack Daniels? But that's a hard liquor." The third woman replied: "THAT'S MY LEROY!"

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