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Relationship Jokes


An infamous stud with a long list of conquests walked into his neighbourhood bar and ordered a drink. The bartender thought he looked worried and asked him if anything was wrong.

"I'm scared out of my mind," the stud replied. "Some pissed-off husband wrote to me and said he'd kill me if I didn't stop doing his wife."

"So stop!" the barkeep said.

"I can't," the womaniser replied, taking a long swill. "The jerk didn't sign his name!"


A guy walks into a bar. There's a big sign which says "free beer for life to first person who can pass the test!"

"What test?" the guy asks.

"Well ya' see, there's a tradition that the first guy who can pass the three challenges gets free beer for life, But no one's ever done it."

"First, there's a gallon of pepper tequila, and you have to drink the whole thing at once, AND you can't make a face while doing it.

If that doesn't kill you, then there's an alligator out back with a sore tooth, and you need to go out there and remove it with your bare hands. Finally, there's woman upstairs who's never had an orgasm ever. You need to make things right for her."

"Yeah, well thanks but no thanks. That sounds crazy. I mean, what kind of idiot would drink that much pepper tequila?..., and it gets crazier from there"

But, as often happens in bars, the man drinks a few beers. And in the fullness of time, what used to sound crazy now seems like a real good idea. First he grabs a hold of the bottle of pepper tequila with both hands and knocks it back in big slurp with tears streaming down his face.

Next, he staggers out the back door. And soon all inside hear the most frightful roaring and thumping. Then silence. The man staggers back into the bar-his shirt's all ripped up and his body has big scratches.

"Now where's that woman with the sore tooth?"


A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

"Quick," said the woman to her lover, "into the closet!" She bundled him in the closet stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. "Who are you?" he asked him.

"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.
"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.
"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied.

"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband. The man looked down at himself and said, "Those little bastards."


A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says,
"Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce."

The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph. She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you."

Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as his anger increases.

She says, "I want the house."
Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph. She says, "I want the kids too."
The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, now he's up to 80 mph. She says, "I want the car, the checking account & all the credit cards."

The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, "Is there anything you want?"

The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need."
She asks, "What's that?"
The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, "I've got the airbag!"


Little Johnny's father sat down next to him on the couch one day and said, "Okay, Johnny, once there was this big, black rooster, and it was sitting on a fence post. How many wings does the rooster have?"

Johnny replied, "It has two."
Little Johnny's father then asked, "How many eyes does the rooster have?"
Johnny replied, "It has two."

Little Johnny's father then asked, "Well then, how many legs do you think the rooster had?"
Johnny replied, "It has two, daddy."

So then, Little Johnny's daddy said, "Well then, a big white cat walks up to where the big black rooster is standing on the fence post and opens its mouth to hiss at the rooster. How many teeth does the cat have?"

Little Johnny scratched his head and replied, "I don't know daddy, how many teeth does the cat have?"

Little Johnny's daddy grabbed him by the arm and exclaimed, "Alright boy, how come you know so much about big black cock & so little about white pussy?"


Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom's the best sex in town!"
Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end. Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy and says,
"I just did your mom, and it was sw-e-et!"
Again the guy refuses to take the bait and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar. Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom liked it!"
Finally the guy interrupts. "Go home, Dad, you're drunk!"


A guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. He can play any musical instrument in the world. He hears everyone in the crowd laughing at him, calling him an idiot, etc. So he says that he will wager $50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can't play. A guy walks up with a guitar and sets it beside the octopus. The octopus starts playing better than Jimi Hendrix, just rippin' it up. So the man pays his $50.

Another guy walks up with a trumpet. The octopus plays the trumpet better than Dizzie Gillespie. So the man pays his $50. Then a Scotsman walks up with bagpipes. He sits them down and the octopus fumbles with it for a minute and sits it down with a confused look. "Ha!" the Scot says. "Can't you play it?"
The octopus looks up at him and says, "Play it? I'm going to fuck it as soon as I figure out how to get its pajamas off."


Little Johnny comes down to breakfast. Since he lived on a farm, his mother asked if he had done his chores. "Not yet," said replied little Johnny.

His mother tells him he can't have any breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon?
And why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.

"Well," his mom says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs.
I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon, either. I also saw you kick the cow, so you aren't getting any milk this morning."

Just about then, his father comes down for breakfast and he kicks the cat as he's walking into the kitchen. Little Johnny looks up at his mother with a smile, and says..."Are you going to tell him, or should I?


A man and his girlfriend are having a sexual encounter.
He asks her to "go downtown" so, with a sigh, she gets on her knees in front of him and starts peering at his genitals, looking and tipping her head this way and that, studying the whole business.

After about five minutes of this, he asked her in a sort of peeved voice "Well, just what are you doing?"
She said "I'm doing what I always do when I'm downtown with no money - just looking."


A construction worker came home just in time to find his wife in bed with another man.
So, the construction worker dragged the man down the stairs to the garage and put his Wet Willy in a vice. He secured it tightly and removed the handle. Then he picked up a hacksaw.

The man, terrified, screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to..To.. cut it off, are you?!?"

The husband said, with a gleam of revenge in his eye, "Nope. You are. *I'm* going to set the garage on fire."


Bob was in his usual place in the morning sitting at the table, reading the paper after breakfast. He came across an article about a beautiful actress about to marry a football player who was known primarily for his lack of common knowledge and his fairly low IQ. He turned to his wife Marlene with a look of question on his face.
"I'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives."
Marlene replies, "Why thank you, dear!"


A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center.
Man: "What are you doing here today?"
Woman: "I'm here to donate some blood. They're going to give me $5 for it."
Man: "That's interesting. I'm here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me $25."

The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways. Several months later, the same man and woman meet again in the donation center.
Man: "Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?"
Woman: [shaking her head with mouth closed] "Unh unh."


A young couple were married and celebrated their first night together, doing what newlyweds do, time and time again, all night long. Morning comes and the groom goes into the bathroom but finds no towel when he emerges from the shower. He asks the bride to please bring one from the bedroom. When she gets to the bathroom door, he opened the door, exposing his body for the first time to his bride.

Her eyes went up and down and at about midway, they stopped and stared and she asked shyly, "What's that?" pointing to a small part of his anatomy.
He, also being shy, thought for a minute and then said,
"Well, that's what we had so much fun with last night."
And she, in amazement, asked, "Is that all we have left?"


A man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. So he walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment. After they've had their fun, he realizes its 3AM and says, "Oh no, its so late, my wife's going to kill me. Have you got any talcum powder?" She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home.

His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty pissed. "Where the hell have you been?"
"Well, honey, its like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her."

"Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!" She sees his hands are covered with powder and..."You God damn liar! You went bowling again!"


A girl had invented a device to cause any car that passed in front of her house to suddenly break down but couldn't find any practical way to profit from it. So, thinking clearly, she set up the device, and as the cars passed the house and broke down, she'd offer the man in the car a place to stay for the night. Then as soon as the man was asleep, he'd be jarred awake by her with his penis in her mouth, and she'd hold a sign up saying "$50 or I'll bite hard!". Of course usually the guy would pay and she'd let him go.

Well one day a Newfoundlander broke down, and had to stay the night. Sure enough, he felt something between his legs at night, and there she is with him in her mouth and holding the sign "$50 or I'll bite."

The Newfoundlander just smiled and said "$100 or I'll piss!"


Two cowboys were sitting in a bar when one asked his friend if he had heard of the new sex position called rodeo. His friend says no, what is it?
Well you mount your wife from the back, reach around and cup her breasts with both hands. Then say, "Boy, those are almost as nice as your sisters".
Then see if you can hold on for 8 seconds.


A man and a woman are driving along when they saw a wounded skunk on the side of the road. They stop, the woman gets out, pick it up, and bring it into the car.
She says, "Look, it's shivering, it must be cold. What should I do?"
He says , "Put it between your legs."
She says, "What about the smell?"
He says, "Hold its nose."


A drunk was sitting at a bar when a woman stood behind him and raised her arm really high to get the bartender's attention. The drunk saw that she had very hairy armpits.

The drunk yelled at the bartender, "Get the ballerina a drink!" She got her drink and went away. Later, she returned and raised her arm again.

The drunk saw her and yelled to the bartender, "Get the ballerina another drink!" She got her drink and went away again. The bartender asked the drunk how he knew she was a ballerina when she was a stranger and had never been in the bar before. The drunk replied, "She's got to be a ballerina if she can lift her leg that high."


A Texan bought a round of drinks for all in the bar and announced that his wife had just produced a typical Texas baby, weighing a whopping twenty pounds.
"WOW!" was the response from everyone at the bar. Two weeks later the Texan returned to the bar. The bartender recognized him and asked,
"Aren't you the father of the baby that weighed twenty pounds at birth?
How much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answered, "10 pounds."
The bartender said, "Why? I know that babies lose some weight after birth, but ten pounds? He did weigh twenty pounds, didn't he? What happened? The proud Texas father said, "Just had him circumcised!"


It seems that a young couple had just gotten married and spent their first wedding night with the young man's parents. In the morning, his mother got up and prepared a lovely breakfast including freshly cut flowers from her garden and gourmet food. She went to the bottom the stairs and called everyone to come down to breakfast. Everyone came down, except the newlyweds. After a long wait, the family ate without them.

The mother said, "I wonder why they never came down to eat?"
The groom's young brother said, "Mommy, I think..."
"Oh, shut up. I don't want to hear what you think!" said the mother, not wanting to hear any inappropriate comments from the eight-year-old. At lunch time, the mother again prepared a wonderful spread and again called the young couple to eat. Five minutes went by and she called again. After another long wait, the family proceeded to eat. As she was cleaning the table, mother once again said, "I wonder why they never came down to eat? Once again, the younger brother started to speak, but mother immediately shut him up.

At dinner the same thing happened. After the meal, mother once again questioned why they had not come down to eat all day. The young lad once again said, "Mommy I think..."
"Well, what is it that you think?" asked the mother rather testily.
"I think that when my big brother came down to get the Vaseline last night, he got my model airplane glue instead!"


A rooster is walking along one day when he comes to a riverbank with a big bag of cat food beside it. Uninterested in the bag, he looks over to the other side and sees a huge bag of chicken feed which instantly makes his mouth water. Beside the bag of feed is a small cat that is hungrily eyeing the cat food on his side. The two look at each other and wonder what to do. The rooster says, "I know, if we run & jump high enough we should be able to make it to the other side."
The cat responds "OK, let's give it a try"

The rooster heads back about 15 feet, makes a run for it and jumps as high as he can. He flaps his wings like crazy and just makes it to the the bag and starts devouring the chicken feed. The cat, now more motivated than ever, heads back about 20 feet and makes a run for it. He jumps, and SPLASH! He lands right in the middle of the river.

The Moral of the Story: For every satisfied cock, there's a wet pussy!


How many nails are there in a lesbian's coffin?
None. It is all tongue and groove.


Two little boys are sitting in the living room, watching TV with their parents. The mother looks over at the father with a wink and a nod toward upstairs. The father gets "the message", and they both get up and head towards the stairs.The mother turns back to the two boys and says, "We're going upstairs for a minute.You two stay here and watch TV, we'll be right back, O.K.?" The two boys nod O.K., and the parents take off upstairs. The older of the two boys is old enough to know what's going on now, and he gets up and tiptoes upstairs. At the top of the stairs, he peeks into his parents bedroom and shakes his head. He goes back downstairs to his little brother. "Come with me"' he says, and the two little boys tiptoe up the stairs. Halfway up, the older brother turns to his younger brother & says, "Now I want you to keep in mind, this is the same woman who used to spank us for sucking our thumb!!!"


The farm boy said to his father, "Y'know, pop, I've just realized that an egg is the unluckiest danged thing in all creation." "And why is that?" asked the elder farmer. " 'Cuz," replied the boy, "it only gets laid once, it only gets eaten once, it takes eleven minutes to get hard, it comes in a box with eleven other guys, and the only one who ever sits on its face is its mom.


Little Johnny is passing his parents' bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in The Act. Before dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims "Oh, boy! Horsie ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?" Daddy, relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees. Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town. Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping. Johnny cries out "Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!"


TO MY DEAR WIFE:

During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of about once every ten days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often.

54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be asleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too tired
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up too early
9 times you said you weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to mess up your hairdo
3 times you said the neighbours would hear
9 times you said your mother would hear us

Of the times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because, 6 times you just laid there, 8 times you reminded me there was a crack in the ceiling, 4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with, 7 times I had to wake you up and tell you I had finished and I was afraid I had hurt you because you moved.

TO MY DEAR HUSBAND:

I think you have things a little confused. Here are the real reasons you didn't get more than you did!!

5 times you came home drunk and tried to fuck the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you did not come
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
10 times your toes were in cramps
38 times you worked too late
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone had kicked you in the balls
4 times you caught it in your zipper
3 times your coffee was too hot and you burned your tongue
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pyjamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching football on TV

Of the times we did get together, the reason I laid still was because you missed and were fucking the sheets. I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was, "would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?" The time you felt me move was because you had farted and I was struggling to breathe.


A young man walked up and sat down at the bar. "What can I get you?" the bartender inquired. "I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded the young man. "6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?" "Yeah, my first blowjob," the man answered. "Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house." "No offense, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will."


One day this Amish girl and her mom were riding along in the buggy & then the girl says, "Mom my hands are cold." And to this the mom replies, "Well if you stick them between your legs they should get warm." Five minutes later the girls hands are warm. About an hour later the girl says, "Mom my nose is cold." Then the mom says, "Well put it in between your legs and then it should be warm." And five minutes later her nose is warm.

The next daythe girl and her boyfriend are riding along in the buggy and he says, "Man, my hands are cold." And to this the girl says, "Well if you put them between my legs they should be warm." And five minutes later his hands are warm. About half-an-hour later the boyfriend says, "Man my penis is frozen solid!" Then to this the girl replies, "Well if you put it inbetween my legs it should get warm too."

After the buggy ride is over the girl goes home and talks to her mother. Near the end of their conversation the girl says to her mother, "Mom have you ever heard of this thig called a penis?" Then the Mom says, "Yes dear, why do you ask?". The girl then says, "Well mom aren't they a mess to clean up after they thaw out."


Little Johnny walked in on his parents as they were having sex one night.
"Mommy, Daddy! What are you doing?"
"Well, uh, I am bumping all the air out of your Daddy," Mom explained.
"What the fuck good will that do?" Johnny asked. "The lady next door will just blow him back up, again."


One night, Pinnochio's girlfriend says to him, "This stinks. Every time we make love I get splinters." So Pinnochio goes to Gepetto to ask his advice. Gepetto says, "Sandpaper, my boy, that's all you need." A few days later Gepetto runs into Pinnochio and says, "So how are you doing with the girls now?" Pinnochio says, "Who needs girls?"


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