Relationship Jokes

John and Mary visit their pastor for marriage counseling. The pastor gets up and hugs Mary, and sits down. He gets up and hugs Mary a second and third time and then turns to John and says:
"See that, John. Mary needs that EVERY DAY!"
John replies, "Well, that's fine, Pastor. But I can't bring her over here except on Tuesdays and Thursdays."

After several years of marriage, Debbie's husband, Mike, died suddenly. According to his wishes, Debbie had his body cremated and placed the remains in a small urn. Several weeks later, Debbie came home wearing a full-length mink coat and an eight-carat diamond ring. She went into the living room, removed the urn from the mantel and carefully tapped Mike's ashes into a small dish on the coffee table.

"Mike, my beloved Mike," she began, "I wish to talk to you. Mike, do you remember, for several years you promised me a mink coat? Well, here it is, Mike. Do you like it?

"And, Mike," she continued, "do you remember, for several years you promised me a diamond ring? Yes? You remember? Here it is, Mike. Do you like it?

"Well," Debbie exclaimed, puffing Mike's ashes into the air, "there's that blowjob I promised you."

This couple is lying in bed one morning, and she takes it in mind to tell him the dream she had the night before. "Honey, I dreamed I was at a cock auction: there were extra-large cocks going for $90 or so, medium-size cocks selling for $50, and itty-bitty ones for $1.50."

"Say, was mine in the auction?" the man inquires a bit anxiously.
"Honey, yours would've been too big to get in the door."

A couple of days later they're lying in bed again, and the man says, "You wouldn't believe what I dreamed last night: that I was at a pussy auction. There were great big ones, and little hairy ones, oh, all kinds."

"Well, did you see mine?" she asks.
"Baby," he says, "the auction was IN your pussy!"

A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem they had never before shared with anyone, not even each other.

The groom-to-be, overcoming his fear, decided to ask his father for advice.
"Father," he said, "I am deeply concerned about the success of my marriage."
His father replied, "Don't you love this girl?"
"Oh yes, very much," he said,
"but you see, I have very smelly feet, and I'm afraid that my fiancee will be put off by them."
"No problem," said dad, "all you have to do is wash your feet as often as possible, always wear socks, even to bed." Well, to him this seemed a workable solution.

The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to take her problem up with her mom.
"Mom," she said, "when I wake up in the morning my breath is truly awful."
"Honey," her mother consoled, "everyone has bad breath in the morning."
"No, you don't understand. My morning breath is so bad, I'm afraid that my fiance will not want to sleep in the same room with me."
Her mother said simply, "Try this. In the morning, get straight out of bed, and head for the kitchen and make breakfast. While the family is busy eating, move on to the bathroom and brush your teeth. The key is, not to say a word until you've brushed your teeth."
"I shouldn't say good morning or anything?" the daughter asked.
"Not a word," her mother affirmed. "Well, it's certainly worth a try," she thought.

The loving couple were finally married. Not forgetting the advice each had received, he with his perpetual socks and she with her morning silence, they managed quite well. That is, until about six months later. Shortly before dawn, the husband wakes with a start to find that one of his socks had come off. Fearful of the consequences, he frantically searches the bed. This, of course, wakes his bride and without thinking, she immediately asks, "What on earth are you doing?"
"Oh, my," he replies, "you've swallowed my sock!"

A husband and wife were celebrating their fifteen wedding anniversary. They dined at a fine restaurant, discussing their many memories from the previous years. Then, they saw a wonderful play at the theatre, holding hands the entire time. Finally, they returned home where tried to make love, but without much enthusiasm.

"What do you think is the problem," asked the husband.
"I don't know," responded his wife, "Maybe on special occasions such as today we can't think of anyone else."

A couple goes out to dinner to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. On the way home, she notices a tear in his eye and asks if he's getting sentimental because they're celebrating 50 wonderful years together.

He replies, "No, I was thinking about the time before we got married. Your father threatened me with a shotgun and said he'd have me thrown in jail for 50 years if I didn't marry you. Tomorrow I would've been a free man!"

A woman getting married for the fourth time visited a tailor to get a wedding dress made. When the tailor inquired about the color, the bride-to-be said "White".
The tailor was a bit suprised by this, and said, "Excuse me, I don't mean to pry, but since white is the color traditionally worn by a virgin on her wedding night, I can't help wondering if you might still be a virgin? How could that be?"
The woman replied, "I'm sorry to say, but that's the way it is. You see, my first husband was a psychologist. He just wanted to talk about it. My second husband was a gynecologist. He just wanted to look. My third husband was a stamp collector. God, I miss him..."

A man and his wife were going on a cruise for their honeymoon. They packed their bags and got ready to go but forgot two things - Condoms and Dramamine - for the man had the terrible misfortune of getting motion sickness on ships.

So the man and his wife stop at the store on the way to the cruise, and the man went in to get the necessary supplies. He walked up to the counter with a plenty-pack of condoms and asked for the largest bottle of Dramamine available.

The pharmacist looked at him for a second and then asked him, "If it makes you so sick, why do you do it?"

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate, and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom"

A man and a woman were seated next to each other on the New York to Los Angeles flight. When they were over Chicago, the man let out a sneeze, then reached under his belt and into his pants with a handkerchief. The woman pretended not to notice, being polite, thinking that he perhaps had an incontinence problem.

A few minutes later, this was followed by a second sneeze. The man once again reached down into his pants with a handkerchief. The woman began to squirm uncomfortably in her seat. Then, this was followed by an even more powerful third sneeze. This time, the man unfastened his belt so he could more effectively clean off the areas below. The woman was aghast, couldn't take it anymore, and finally blurted, "Just what is going on with you?"

The man responded, "I have a very rare condition causing me to experience an orgasm each and every time I sneeze."

"Oh," she replied. "But could you please trying being a little more discreet." She then asked, "What can you take for this type of rare condition?" He responded, "Pepper."

A husband a wife were celebrating their 90th wedding anniversary, and the media was there to document the occassion. One of the reporters asked the secret to their successful marraige and longevity. The wife replied that they had never been sick. The young reporter was astonished and to confirm said, "So, you've never been bedridden".
And the wife quickly replied, "Oh, 1000's of times, and twice in a buggy".

Naomi Campbell, Claudia Schiffer, and Cindy Crawford are flying to a super models conference in Paris, when the captain of the plane announces, "We have just lost power to the engines and are going to make an emergency crash landing, assume the brace position immediately!" Immediately the three models start preparing for the worst.

Claudia pulls out lipstick and make-up and starts fixing her face. Bewildered, Naomi and Cindy ask, "What are you doing fixing your make-up when we're about to crash?"
Claudia responds, "I know for a fact the rescue workers will search for, and save first, the ones who have the best looking faces, which is why I'm putting on my make-up."

Cindy Crawford rips open her blouse to expose two beautiful mounds of flesh, which inexplicably defy the law of gravity. Totally confused, Naomi and Claudia shout, "Cindy, have you lost your senses? Why are you baring your breasts for everyone to see when we are about to die?"
Cindy responds, "I heard from a good authority that in plane crashes, the rescue workers look to save first the women with big beautiful breasts, which is why I am exposing my breasts!"

Not hesitating, Naomi Campbell pulls down her skirt and panties to expose her love triangle. Freaking out, Claudia and Cindy yell, "Naomi - Are you crazy?
Why are you exposing your crotch for everyone to see?"
Calmly, Naomi responds: I know for a fact the first thing the rescue workers look for in plane crashes is a black box!"

It's Saturday morning. Bob's just about to set off on a round of golf when he realises that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So Bob heads back to the clubhouse and phones home.
"Hello" says a little girl's voice.
"Hi, honey, it's Daddy," Says Bob. "Is Mummy near the phone?"
"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."
After a brief pause, Bob says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!"
"Yes I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mummy!"
" Okay, then. Here's what I want you do do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Frank that my car's just pulled up outside the house."
A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy."
"And what happened?"
"Well, Mummy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now he's all dead."
"Oh my god... And what about Uncle Frank?"
"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool, but he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and he's all dead too."
There is a long pause, then Bob says, "Swimming pool? Is this 854-7039?"

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but only succeeded in pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to hospital. As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date.

After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought
the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat.

Once he was gone the mother turned to the father and said, "That's wonderful. Isn't he smart?
What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?!"
The father replies "From the smell of his fingers, our son in-law!"

Fred was walking down the street one day when he met Bill who he hadn't seen for years. The last time they met, Bill was "bald", but this time Bill had a very healthy head of hair.
"Cripes Bill, what's your secret with the hair," asked Fred. "When you go to bed tonight sleep with your head between your wife's legs"
So Fred did this and next morning woke to find a very nice head of hair had grown over night. Next day they had decided to go to the movies. Sitting in their seats, a bloke moved into a seat in front of them, he was bald too.
"Should we tell him about the hair secret Fred" asked Bill.
"Yeah, I guess so". Fred leaned forward and tapped him on the shoulder, he turned around to reveal a very large beard. Fred & Bill both said together.
"You dirty mongrel".

Jane was a first time contestant on the $65,000 quiz show. Lady luck had smiled in her favor, as Jane had gained a substantial lead over her opponents. She even managed to win the game but, unfortunately, time had run out before the show's host could ask her the big question. Jane agreed to return the following day. Jane was nervous as her husband drove them home.
"I've just gotta win tomorrow. I wish I knew what the answers are! You know I'm not going to sleep at all tonight. I will probably look like garbage tomorrow.
"Relax honey," her husband, Roger, reassured her, "It will all be OK."
Ten minutes after they arrived home, Roger grabbed the car keys and started heading out the door. "Where are you going?" Jane asked.
"I have a little errand to run. I should be back soon."
After an agonizing 3 hour absence, Roger returned, sporting a very wide and wicked grin. "Honey, I managed to get tomorrow's question and answer!"
"What is it?" she cried excitedly.
"OK. The question is 'What are the three main parts of the male anatomy?' And the answer is 'The head, the heart, and the penis.'" The couple went to sleep with Jane, now feeling at ease, plummeting into a deep slumber.

So Jane was once again on the set of the quiz show. Even though she knew the question and answer, she could feel butterflies. The cameras began running and the host, after reminding the audience of the previous days' events, faced Jane and asked the big question.
"Jane, for $65,000, what are the main parts of the male anatomy? You have 10 seconds."
"Hmm, uhm, the head?" she said nervously.
"Very good. Six seconds."
"Eh, uh, the heart?"
"Very good! Four seconds."
"I, uhh, ooooooohh, darn! My husband drilled it into me last night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning..."
"That's close enough!" said the game show host, "CONGRATULATIONS!!"

A fraternity brother is eating out his girlfriend while she is on her period, when someone knocks on the door. He says, "I can't answer the door with all this blood on my face."
But his girlfriend tells him, "If they ask, just tell them that you were eating a jam sandwich."
So he opens the door and hears, "Whoa! Dude, you have blood all over your face!"
And he mentions, "Oh,... nah, I was just eating a jam sandwich."
And his astute visitor adds, "Hmmm, and you have a little bit of peanut butter left on your chin too!"

Alice was becoming frustrated by her husband's insistence that they make love in the dark. Hoping to free him of his inhibitions, she flipped on her reading lamp one passionate night-only to find a cucumber in his hand.
"Is THIS", she asked, pointing to the vegetable, "what you've been using on me for the last 5 years?"
"Honey, let me explain..."
"Why, you sneaky bastard!" she screamed.
"You impotent son of a -"
"Speaking of sneaky," her husband coolly interjected, "maybe you'd like to explain our three kids."

A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor condominium when a sudden gust of wind blew the rug and the woman over the railing.
"God, that was stupid!" she thought as she fell. "What a way to die..." As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms. While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, "Do you suck?" "No!" she shrieked, aghast. So he dropped her.
As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her.
"Do you screw?" he asked.
"Of course not!" she exclaimed. He dropped her, too.
The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance. As luck would have it, she was caught a third time, by a man on the eighth floor.
"I suck! I screw!" she screamed in panic.
"Slut!" he said, and dropped her.

A woman and her little boy were walking through a park in New York and they pass two squirrels having sex. The little boy asks his mom,
"Mommy, mommy, what are they doing?"
The lady responded, "They're making a sandwich."
Then they pass two dogs having sex & the little boy again asks what they were doing. His mother again replied they were making a sandwich. A couple of days later the little boy walks in on his mother and father and said
"Mommy, Daddy, you must be making a sandwich because, Mommy has mayonnaise all over her mouth!"

Q. What's the difference between pink and purple?
A. The grip!

Joe met a nice girl who worked at the carnival. They quickly became attracted to each other, and she invited Joe to her house. When he got there, he noticed a few strange things. First, he noticed that her hallway was filled with those "funny mirrors" that make you look tall and skinny, or short and fat. He also noticed that her bedroom had many shelves of fluffy toys. That was the last thing he noticed before she threw him on the bed. He screwed the ever-lovin' daylights out of her, and when he was done, he asked, "So,... how was it?"
And she said, "You can have anything from the bottom shelf, unless you want to try again and win something from the middle shelf!"

That's the definition of a male chauvinist pig?
A guy who hates every bone in a women's body except his own.

What is the definition of 'making love'?
Something a woman does while a guy's fucking her.

A Guy is driving his girlfriend home when she decides she wants to go to her friends instead. Her friend lives out of the way so she tells her boyfriend that she would get naked for him if he drove her. The guy says ok and the girl takes off all her clothes. The boyfriend is so busy looking at her that he stacks the car and gets stuck between the steering wheel and the seat. He tells her to go get help and she replied that she couldn’t because she didn’t have any clothes on. He replies, "Take my shoe and cover your snatch with it, and go for help!" She takes the shoe & runs to the closest gas station. She finds the clerk and says, "Help, my boyfriend is stuck! Can you help us?" The clerk replies, "I’m sorry, I think he's too far in."

One day this girl was talking to her friend and she said to her, "My boyfriend bought me flowers for Valentines day this year so I guess I have to put my legs in the air for him." & her friend replied, "Why? Don't you have a vase?"

A woman was standing in a crowded lift of the hotel she was staying in. When a man got in & accidentally elbowed her in the breast. The man said, "I'm sorry! But if your heart is as soft as your tit, you'll forgive me." so the woman replies, "If you dick is as hard as your elbow then I am staying in room 113."

The morning after their honeymoon night, the wife says to her husband, "you know, You're really a lousy lover!" The husband replies, "How would you know after only 30 seconds?"

Q: Who is the most popular man at the Nudist Colony?
A: The man who can carry two cups of coffee & 12 donuts.

Q: Who is the most popular woman at the Nudist Colony?
A: The woman who can eat the last two donuts...

A girl fell in love with a sailor and had his picture tattooed on her right breast. The romance waned. In due time, she fell in love with a soldier and had his picture tattooed on her left breast. This romance also waned.

Sometime later, she fell in love with a marine and married him. That night when they were undressing for bed he began to laugh. She asked, "What in the world is so funny?" He said, "Oh, I'm just thinking what long faces those two guys are going to have in about ten years from now."

A modest Irish young lass had just purchased some lingerie and asked if she might have the sentence, "If you can read this you're too damn close!" embroidered on her panties and bra.

"Yes Madame," said the clerk, "I'm quite certain that could be done. Would you prefer block or script letters?"
"Braille," she replied, innocently lowering her lashes.

Three American businessmen were on a trip to Saudi Arabia when they stumbled upon a harem filled with gorgeous girls. They went in and were getting really "friendly" with the harem-girls when the Sheikh returned and caught them in the act.

He had them tied up and told them that they would each die in a manner befitting their professions.
"What is your profession?" He asked the first guy.
"I'm a policeman", he replied.
"His Penis...Shoot it off!" the sheikh shrieked.
"You...What is your profession?" He then asked the second American.
"I'm a fireman.", he replied.
"His Penis...Burn it off!" he bellowed.
The third guy simply stood there smiling.
"Why are you smiling?...Never mind. What is your profession?", he asked. He gingerly replied, "I'm a lollipop salesman".

A man was feeling very depressed and walked into a bar and ordered a triple scotch. As the bartender poured the drink he remarked, "That's quite a heavy drink. What's wrong?" After quickly downing his drink, the man replies, "I got home and found my wife in bed with my best friend."

"Wow" exclaimed the bartender, as he poured the man a second triple. "No wonder you need a stiff drink. The second triple is on the house."
As the man downed his second drink, the bartender asks him, "What did you do?"
"I walked over to my wife" the man replies, "looked her straight in the eye and told her that we were through and to pack her stuff and get the hell out."
"That makes sense." said the bartender, "but what about your best friend?"
The man replied, "I walked over to him, looked him right in the eye & said, 'BAD DOG!' "

Mother is in the kitchen making supper for her family when her youngest daughter walks in.
Child: Mother, where do babies come from?
Mom: Well dear...a mommy and daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their room...they kiss and hug and have sex. (The daughter looks puzzled.) That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy's vagina. That's how you get a baby, honey.
Child: Oh I see, but the other night when I came into you and daddy's room, you had daddy's penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?
Mom: Jewellery, dear.

So what does Kentucky Fried Chicken and a Woman have in common?
Well, once you get past the firm breasts and the juicy thighs, all thats left is a greasy box to stick your bone in.

A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town, when the girl stopped the boy. "I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." The boy reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After the cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl. "Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25."

So this guy was sitting on the back porch drinking a beer when his wife walked by. He says "Honey, your butt is getting about as big as that BBQ grill." Later that night, as he rolled over and rubbed on her to try and get some action going. she said, "Are you sure you want to fire up this big, ol' grill for that little piece of meat?"

A Farmer walks up to his wife who is doing dishes at the sink in the kitchen, and grabs her butt and says :"You know, if we could just get this to lay eggs, we could get rid of the chickens!". He then grabs one of her boobs and says, "You know, if we could just get these to give milk, we could get rid of the cows!".

The wife was not impressed. She reached around behind her and grabbed her huband's crotch and said "Yea, and if we could get this hard, we could get rid of your brother!"

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