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Religious Jokes

A guy from Tyson Foods arranges to visit the Pope. After receiving the papal blessing he whispers, "Your Eminence, we have a deal for you. If you change The Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread....' to 'give us this day our daily chicken....' then we will donate $500 million dollars to the Church".
The Pope responds saying, "That is impossible. The Prayer is the Word of the Lord and it must not be changed."

"Well," says the Tyson man, "We're prepared to donate $1billion to the Church if you change the Lord's Prayer."
Again the Pope replies "That is impossible. The Prayer is the Word of the Lord and it must not be changed".

Finally, the Tyson guy says, "This is our last offer. We will donate $5 billion to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread....' to 'give us this day our daily chicken....'" and he leaves.

The next day the Pope meets with the College of Cardinals to say that he has good news and some bad news.
"The good news is that the Church has come into $5 billion...The bad news is that we are losing The Wonderbread Account!"

Every Sunday, a little old lady placed $1,000 in the collection plate. This went on for weeks until the priest, overcome with curiosity, approached her. "Sister, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated. "Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and what I don't need I give to the church."

"That's wonderful, how much does he send you?"
"Oh, $2,000 a week"
"Your son is very successful, what does he do for a living?"
"He is a veterinarian," she answered.
"That is a very honorable profession. Where does he practice?"
"Well, he has one cat house in Kansas City and another in Dallas."

Every Sunday the Baptist preacher ended his sermon by telling his congregation that everything was mentioned in the Bible if you just knew where to look for it. One Sunday, one of the younger women challenged him to prove the statement by showing her where PMS was mentioned.
He asked her, "Have you not read in the New Testament where Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem?"

A man who went to church with his wife always fell asleep during the sermon. One Sunday, the wife decided to do something about it, so she picked up a long hat pin and took it with her to church.

While sitting in church, the wife noticed that her husband was once again falling asleep, and as the preacher got to a part in the sermon where he shouted out "... and who created all there is in 6 days?", she poked her husband who jumped from the pew and shouted, "Good god all mighty!"

The minister looked at the man and said, "That's right, that's right...", and he continued with the sermon. The man sat back down, muttering under his breath.

Later on, once again the man began to doze off, and just as the minister reached "...and who died on the cross to save us from our sins?", the wife again poked her husband, and he leaped from the pew and shouted "Jesus Christ!"

The minister again looked at the man and said, "That's right, that's right...", and went on with the sermon. The man sat back down, and gave his wife an angry look. Even so, the man was tired and ten minutes later he was feeling incredibly sleepy, so he closed his eyes and leaned his head back.

His wife noticed that he was about to fall asleep again, so she pulled out the hat pin, and just as the minister said, "... and what did Eve say to Adam after the birth of their second child?", she poked him as hard as she could. The man sprang from the pew and shouted, "If you stick me with that thing again I'm going to break it in two!"

The man walked into the ladies department at Neiman Marcus. Somewhat flustered, he shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and stuttered, "Excuse me, but, I'd like to buy a bra for my wife"
"OK. What type of bra?" asked the clerk.
"Type?" inquires the man "There is more than one type?"
Beads of sweat began rolling down his back and forehead.
"Look Around," said the saleslady, as she showed a veritable ocean of bras in every shape, size, color and material.
"Take heart," she said smiling. "You know, even with all of this variety, there are really only three types of bras..."
Relieved, yet a bit confused, the man asked what were the types. The clerk replied "The Catholic type, the Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?"
More confused our here asked "What is the difference?"
The lady responded, "It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses, The Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills."

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a colourful shirt, leather jacket, and jeans. Saint Peter addresses this guy: "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"
The guy replies: "I'm Mugabo Khumalo, taxi-driver, from Johannesburg, South Africa" Saint Peter consults his list.
He smiles and says to the taxi-driver: "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it's the
minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out:
"I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Paul's for the last forty-three years."
Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister: "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi-driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?"
"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached,
people slept; while he drove, people prayed."

A preacher was telling his congregation that anything they could think of, old or new, was discussed somewhere in the Bible and that the entirety of the human experience could be found there. After the service, he was approached by a woman who said,
"Preacher, I don't believe the Bible mentions PMS."
The preacher replied that he was sure it must be there somewhere and that he would look for it. The following week after the service, the preacher called the woman aside and showed her a passage which read,...
"...And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem."

Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."
Arthur thought about it for a minute, and said "I want to hang out with God."
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God. Arthur then asked God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of woman?" God said, "Ah, yes."
"Well," said Arthur, "You have some major design flaws in your invention.
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front end protrusion.
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
4. The intake is placed way to close to the exhaust.
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous."
"Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on."
God went to his Celestial Supercomputer, typed in a few words, and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur,
"but according to these numbers, more people are riding my invention than yours."

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"
"Look Michael, look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused. God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth,
"For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people,"
The Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then pointed to a large land mass in the top corner and asked, "What's that one?"
"Ah," said God. "That's Canada, the most glorious place on Earth. There's beautiful mountains, lakes, rivers, streams and an exquisite coast-line. The people from Canada are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found traveling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known through out the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. I'm also going to give them super-human, undefeatable ice hockey players who will be admired and feared by all who come across them."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed.
"What about balance, God? You said there will be BALANCE!"
God replied wisely. "Wait until you see the loud-mouth bastards I'm putting next to them."

A man, called to testify at the IRS, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear.
"Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper," the accountant replied. Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice.
"Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie."
Confused, the man went to his Rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma.
"Let me tell you a story," replied the Rabbi.
"A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night.
'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.'
But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. 'Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel.
The man protested: "What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?"
"No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed."

Adam and Eve
In the Garden of Eden,
As everyone knows,
Lives Adam and Eve,
Without any clothes.

In this garden,
Were two little leaves,
One covered Adam's,
One covered Eve's.

As the story goes on,
Never the less to say,
The wind came along,
And blew the leaves away.

At the sight,
Adam did stare,
There was Eve's treasure,
All covered with hair.

And wonder came,
Under Eve's eyes,
As Adam's thing,
Started to rise.

They found a spot,
That suited them best,
A nice big tree,
Where they began to rest.

Her legs spread wider,
And wider apart,
While thrill after thrill,
Came into her heart.

The head of Adam's thing,
Peeked into the hole,
And filled her with passion,
Beyond her control.

Backward and forward,
His thing did slide,
And Eve's treasure,
Was all wet inside.

The joy was good,
She wouldn't let loose,
Until Adam's thing,
Was all out of juice.

Then down through the years,
People did screw,
And now it is time,
For me and you.

So pull down your pants,
And lay in the grass,
Cause I'm in the mood,
For a piece of that ASS!

After a few days on the new Earth, the Lord called to Adam and said:
"It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth, so I want you to kiss her."
Adam answered: "Yes, Lord, but what is a 'kiss'?"
The Lord gave a brief description to Adam, who took Eve by the hand and took her to a nearby bush. A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said:
"Thank you Lord, that was enjoyable."
And the Lord replied: Now, I'd like you to caress Eve."
And Adam said: "What is a 'caress'?"
So, the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind the bush with Eve. Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said: "Lord, that was even better than the kiss."
And the Lord said, ''Now, I want you to make love to Eve."
And Adam asked: "What is 'make love', Lord?"
So, the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush, but this time he re-appeared in two seconds. And Adam said:
"Lord, what is a 'headache'?"

A man walked into a church, stepped into the confessional and said to the priest,
"Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren, and last night I had an affair with two 18 year old girls. I made love with both of them... twice."
The priest said: "Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?"
"Never, Father, I'm Jewish."
"So then, why are you telling me?"
"Father, I'm telling everybody."

A new minister about to preside over his first church service was so nervous he could hardly speak, and confided in the church's older pastor. "Don't worry," said the older reverend,
"just put a glass of vodka in the pulpit, and sip it when you get nervous. The congregation won't know the difference; they'll think it is water."
The young clergyman followed the older man's advice, and got through the service. After its completion, he consulted with the older minister.
"How'd I do?" asked. "Did I make any mistakes?"
"Well, you did make a few," the older man told him. I made a list:
1. I told you to SIP the vodka, not slug it down!
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C..
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, 'Take this and eat it, for it is my body'--he did not say, 'Eat Me!'
12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry".
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God."
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said: "TWO PROSTITUTES -- $50.00."
A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.
Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying: "JESUS SAVES."
One of the girls asked the cop: "How come you don't stop them?!"
"Well, that's a little different," the cop smiled.
"Their sign pertains to religion."
The two hookers frowned as they took their sign down and drove off.

The following day found the same cop in the area when he noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again. Figuring he had an easy arrest, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign which now read: "TWO ANGELS SEEKING PETER -- $50.00."

Maria is a devoted, religious girl. She gets married and has 17 children. Then her husband dies. She remarries two weeks later, and has 22 children by her next husband. Then he dies. A while later, she dies.

At the funeral, the priest looks skyward and says, "At least they're finally together."
A guy sitting in the front row says, "Excuse me father, but you do mean her and her FIRST husband, or her and her SECOND husband?"
The priest says, "I mean her legs."

A cruise ship hit an iceburg and was taking on water fast. There was a mad scramble to get to the lifeboats. Someone said "shouldn't we let the kids on first?" An attorney who was pushing people out of the way said "fuck the kids" and continued on. A priest upon hearing this looked at his watch and replied, "Do you think we have time?"

A married man goes to confessional and tells the priest, "I had an affair with a woman - almost."
The priest says, "What do you mean, 'almost'?" The man says, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."

The priest replies, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to go near that woman again. Now, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."
The man leaves confessional, goes over and says his prayers, then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave.

The priest, who was watching him, quickly runs over to him and says, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"
The man replied, "Well, Father, I rubbed up against it and you said it was the same as putting it in!"

Dirty Johnny is walking along and a priest is coming the other way.
Johnny says, "Hey, mister, why're you wearin' your collar backwards?"
The priest says, "Because I'm a father."
Johnny says, "Yeah? Well, my old man's got three kids and he don't wear his collar backwards."
The priest says, "You don't understand, son. I have thousands of children." Johnny says, "You should wear your fuckin' trousers backwards."

Three nuns went to a cucumber stand in an open market one day. They asked how much the cucumbers were. The merchant said that they were four for a dollar.
The nuns said agreed to purchase four. The puzzled merchant asked why they needed four cucumbers when there were only three of them. A nun answered back, "Well, we could always eat one."

Two priests are making their way to a remote monastery by foot. To get there they have to go through the town which is full of hookers. The first they pass, flashes her thighs and says, "Want some fun, just 20 bucks for the night".
Anyway, the priests are shocked and hurry on their way. This goes on about three more times. The weather starts getting bad and they are nowhere near the monastery yet. A big storm is brewing, lightning flashes etc. the priests are very lucky to find a nunnery on their way. They go in, explain their situation to the Mother Superior and ask if there is room to sleep.

Then they ask "How much for the night?"
To which she answers "20 bucks, same as in town".

There were 3 priests in a railroad station, all wanting to go home to Pittsburgh. Behind the ticket counter was a very shapely lass. The priests were all in embarrassing new territory, so they drew straws to determine who would get the tickets.

The first priest approached the window. "Young lady," he began, "I would like three pickets to titsburg..." Whereupon he completely lost his composure and fled.

The second priest approached. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh," he began, "and I would like the change in nipples and dimes." So of course he also fled.

Then came the third. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh, and I would like the change in nickels and dimes. And I must say," he continued, "if you insist on dressing like that, when you get to the pearly gates, St. Finger's going to shake his peter at you."

A Priest, a Nun and a coyote walk into a bar. They go up to the bar and the bartender says to the Priest, "So, this is the howler."
The nun slaps the preist across the face and and exclaims "You told!"

Matthew goes into a confessional box and says "Bless me father for I have sinned, I have been with a loose woman."
The Priest says "is that you Matthew?"
"Yes father, it is I."
"Who was the woman you were with?"
"I cannot tell you for I do not wish to sully her reputation."
The priest asks "Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
"No father."
"Was it Fiona MacDonald?"
"No father."
"Was it Ann Brown?"
"No father, I cannot tell you."
The priest says, "I admire your perseverance but you must atone for your sins. Your penance will be five Our Fathers and four Hail Marys."
Matthew goes back to his pew and his buddy Sean slides over and asks "What happened?"
Matthew replies "I got five Our Fathers, four Hail Marys and three good leads."

Two Nuns cycling down a cobbled road. First nun says 'I've never come this way before.'
Second nun says 'Yes, fun isn't it!"

A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic Church and sits down in a confession box and says nothing. The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing. The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak. Finally, the drunk replies: "No use knockin' mate, there's no paper in this one either.

A couple of Nuns were in an elevator with a man wearing a raincoat. The man opened his rain coat and flashed them. One nun turned very pale, clutched her chest and said "I think I'm going to have a stroke." The other Nun said, "A STROKE?!? My God, I'd never touch the thing!"

The new nun goes to her first confession. She tells the priest that she has a terrible secret and he tells her that her secret is safe in the sanctity of the confessional. She says,
"Father, I never wear panties under my habit."
The priest chuckles and says, "That's not so serious. Say five Hail Marys, five Our Fathers & do six cartwheels on your way to the altar."

A nun & a priest were traveling across the desert & realized halfway across that the camel they were using for transportation was about to die. They set up a make-shift camp, hoping someone would come to their rescue, but to no avail. Soon the camel died.

After several days of not being rescued, they agreed that they were not going to be rescued. They prayed a lot & they discussed their predicament in great depth. Finally the priest said to the nun,

"You know, Sister, I am about to die, and there's always been one thing I've wanted here on earth -- to see a woman naked. Would you mind taking off your clothes so I can look at you?"

The nun thought about his request for several seconds and then agreed to take off her clothes. As she was doing so, she remarked,

"Well, Father, now that I think about it, I've never seen a man naked, either. Would you mind taking off your clothes, too?"

With little hesitation, the priest also stripped. Suddenly the nun exclaimed,

"Father! What is that little thing hanging between your legs?"
The priest patiently answered,

"That, my child, is a gift from God. If I put it in you, it creates a new life."

"Well," responded the nun, "Forget about me. Stick it in the camel!"

Four nuns were outside the confessional, waiting for their turn to ask forgiveness for their sins. The first nun went in and said, "Forgive me, for I have put my finger on a man's penis."
The priest said, "Say 5 Our Fathers & put your finger in holy water."
The second nun went in and said, "Forgive me, for I have put my hand on a man's penis."
The priest said, "Say 5 Our Fathers & put your hand in the holy water."
When she heard this, the third nun turned to the fourth and said, "Maybe you should go before me since I'll have to douche after you gargle."

One Way to Make Money for the Church

Father Murphy was a priest in a poor parish. He asked for suggestions as to how to make money for the church. He was told that a horse owner always had money so he went to a horse auction and bought a horse, but it was a very poor buy as the horse turned out to be a donkey. However, he decided to enter it in a race. The donkey came in 3rd and next morning the headlines in the newspaper read:
"Father Murphys ass shows"
The archbishop read the paper and was very displeased. The next day the donkey came in 1st and the papers read:
"Father Murphys ass out in front"
The archbishop was up in arms and said something would have to be done because Father Murphy entered the donkey again and it came in 2nd and the paper read:
"Father Murphys ass back in place"
This was too much for the archbishop. He forbade the priest to race the donkey again. The papers read:
"Archbishop scratches Father Murphys ass"
Finally the archbishop sent Sister Agatha to sell the donkey. She sold it for $10.00. The papers read:
"Sister Agatha peddles ass for $10.00"
They buried the Archbishop three days later.

Q: Why did God invent alcohol?
A: So ugly women could get laid too.

A nun gets on a bus and sits behind the driver. She says to the bus driver she is very ill and wants to experience sex before she dies. The bus driver agrees to accomodate her, but the nun explains that she can't have sex with anyone who is married as that would be a sin. The bus driver says no problem, he is not married. The nun says she also has to die a virgin, so she will have to take it in the ass. The bus driver agrees again. Being the only two on the bus, they go to the back of the bus and take care of business. When they were done, and he had resumed driving, he said "Sister, I have a confession to make. I am married and have three children". The nun replies: "Thats OK. I have a confession too: My name is Dave, and I am on my way to a costume party".

The confession line was very long and the priest needed to use the bathroom badly. He called in one of the alter boys and asked him to fill-in for a minute. The priest gave him a list of sins & penance. Just match them up.The first women confessed to giving the neighbor a blowjob and anal sex. These weren't on the list, so the alter boy asked another alter boy, "What does the father give for anal sex and a blowjob?" "He usually gives me a bag of chips and a soda."

Little Johnny's is coming home from the store swinging the loaf of bread in one hand and the other hand in his pants pocket. Along come Priest Joe and he thinks to himself, "This is a good opportunity to say something from the bible to Little Johnny." He walks up to Little Johnny and says, "I see Little Johnny that you have the Staff of Life in one hand. What do you have in the other?" Little Johnny replies, "A loaf of bread Father."

Three nuns are standing at the gates of Heaven. St. Peter tells them that they must each answer a question to get through.
The first nun steps up, and St. Peter asks her, "Who was the first man on Earth?"
The nun almost immediately answered, "Adam." The gates open, and the nun walks in. The next nun steps up, and is asked who the first woman on Earth was. She had to think a second, then replied, "Oh. Thats an easy one. Eve." The gates then opened again, and she skipped in. The last nun walked up to St. Peter, and he asked her, "What were the first words ever said on Earth?" She was totally confused. Accidentally thinking out loud, she uttered quietly, "Ooh, that's a hard one." The gates opened.

Q: What's the difference between sin and shame?
A: It is a sin to put it in, but its a shame to pull it out.

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