Title: Embrase the Night
Author: Darkstryder ( CClaib2155@prodigy.net )
Catagory: V, A
Spoilers: Gethsemane/Redux/ReduxII,
The Field Where I Died, Duane Barry/
Ascension, Emily
Keywords: Mulder/Scully UST
Summary: Why Mulder is the way he is on
"Patient X."

Disclaimer: If you seriously think they're mine,
then why don't you just wait for the nice men
in white coats to come and take you away? They
belong to the Chris Carter, the Warper of Minds,
and his crew, otherwise known as 10-13 Productions.
If they *were* mine, I'd let the UberVince
write more episodes.

Send Darkstryder some feedback, y'all. She
get's mighty upset when she doesn't get
any e-mail ( 'cause the only time I
actually *get* mail is when I write to
a fanfic author or someone writes to
me ). The address is:
CClaib2155@prodigy.net

Quote:
"The universe is an evil place, but at
least it has a sense of humor."
---Londo Mollari
Babylon 5
"The Very Long Night of Londo Mollari"

There's no place like home.

What exactly is home? Where you feel comfortable,
safe, and protected? Where you can go to relax
and to feel loved?

If that is home, than I am homeless.

My home is the darkness. Cold, ruthless, a blanket
that hides whatever lurks in its shadow, seemingly
endless. Lit by only the few stars that dare to
peek in at us from the suffocating brightness
of the city. I am safer in the darkness, in the cold.

I always hated cold. I love it now; love to be
numb and careless, without expression. I don't
want to feel anything. I don't want pain
or sadness or the false hope that kept me
alive for all those many years. Hope is
nothing anymore. Hope is the Lie that they
wanted me to believe. Hope is the Lie that I
*did* believe. I shouldn't have.

I must have done something awful in a past life.

Don't go there. I have already seen what
believing in something like the Afterlife
has done to someone. At the time I believed
in that woman that I barely knew, in a life
that could have been created by my own sick,
twisted mind.

I should have seen the Lies in that: the
Cancerman was alive suring World War II, so he
couldn't have been a Nazi solider; Scully
is and always will be my "soulmate."

We are cursed, her and I. Or maybe it's just me.
Maybe the Powers That Be are out to get me,
and she's just caught up in this eternal
rift, this pain and loss that never seems to
go away. I want to blame a supreme being that
I don't even believe in. Pathetic.

I feel like I'm hiding. I pull the darkness
around me like a shield, letting the cold
enter my heart. But I still feel. Somehow,
I always still feel.

I feel the pain that the Lies and the Truth
has caused.

Feel the pain that my sister has a life of her own
and wants to keep me out. If that was my sister,
and not a Lie.

Feel that pain of Scully and the horror that I
have brought onto her life. I can count what I
have done to her: ruin her career, her abduction,
Melissa's death, her cancer, her daughter's death,
taking away everything that she could have had.

And feel the betrayal of her. She believes now.
All these years she wanted me to stop chasing
after little gray men with liquid black eyes
and settle for reality; when I do, she chooses
to chase after her own. Nothing I do or
believe will ever be good enough for her.

I wish I could make her happy. I wish I
could be what she wanted me to be. I wish
that I could love her without fear and
without pain.

I wish that I was incapable of love. I don't
want to love her. I don't want to lose her.
I lose everything, *everything*, and she's
already lost enough.

The Cancerman. I still can't believe he's
dead. Is he? He can't be, the Powers
will never let me have that satisfaction.
How many times have I already died for
this Truth that keeps changing faces on
me? Someone's heart can only be chopped
away so many times.

I've lost my sister.

I've lost my beliefs.

I've lost my heart.

I've lost my soul.

I've lost my life.

What else are they going to steal from me?

Somehow, even the dark doesn't seem comforting
enough.

But I'll go on, even if it is as an empty,
hollow man without hope or joy, a robot.

I won't be a puppet any longer.

Save me, Scully.

I've already lost too much.

THE END

Tell me whatcha think.
CClaib2155@prodigy.net