Date: Sat, 17 Jan 1998
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Title: And I Shall be Healed
Summary: I know everyone hates the Scully cancer stories since we all know
she doesn't have it anymore. But i had to write this since i felt that more
needed to be said, and a new approach needed to be taken. So..in my story,
Scully breaks down, and after attempting suicide, closes up, esp against
mulder.
Email: DanaKMulder@juno.com or if you are attaching any files or whatever
then email M.F.Luder@worldnet.att.net
Author's Note: this story was started at 10:13..on a coincidental accident!
And this is one of my first fanfics..please send me comments! flames!
anything!
Teasers- Rating: PG-13 for some naughty language and stuff ;-)
Type: MSR, Angst-city
Disclaimer: XFiles ain't mine, nuff said

The sharp cry of the phone made Fox Mulder halt with his hand on the
doorknob. He had planned to go running, and didn't actually feel like
talking to some salesperson. His answering machine beeped and sent a voice
echoing through the tiny living room.
" Umm...Hello Fox. I know I shouldn't be calling but I'm.."
He quickly sprinted over to the phone, smashing the machine off with
his fist.
" Mrs. Scully?"
" Oh! I though you weren't home.."
Mulder shifted on his feet as he replied, " I was on my way out for
a jog but..."
" I'm sorry. Well, it's just that Dana had a bad... spell... today."
Mulder's eyes flashed a deeper hue and he shouted into the phone.
" Is she okay?!"
The woman sighed deeply. " Yes, but her voice on the phone sounded
odd. And her goodbye had such...closure..."
" 'Closure' Mrs. Scully? I'll go on over there right away."
She smiled somberly. " Thank you Fox."
**************
Mulder gripped the steering wheel. He was sure Dana was fine,
probably just emotional. He sure could sense it after reading her verse in
Allentown. Those words melted into his soul, promising to be burned in his
memory forever.
But the way Scully's mom sounded. So scared, so haunted. He knew
that she could be overprotective, even to him sometimes. But something about
the word "closure" struck in him a memory he wished not to remember. He had
pondered on that very word himself, knowing how easy it could be. For
Godsakes they both carried a gun with them at all times...
" Oh God...Dammit! Scully don't do it...hold on Dana.... please!"
The realization hit him that if she wanted an end, it would only
take a second. And he had no way to get there soon enough. His grip became
tighter as he pushed the accelerator to the floor. His car lurched forward
and skidded down the road. The rush in his head became tighter, squeezing
his brain down.
When he had found out Scully had cancer, part of him died. His
sister, his quest, those were mere memories now. Distant dreams that would
never be. But Scully, his Dana, no. She was truth, alive, his. His. He
realized how easily he assumed that, how his heart dropped everytime she
even looked at another man. Or more likely, a man looked at her. She didn't
even realize how many men were interested in her at the Bureau alone, and
how many wondered how she seemed only interested in "Spooky". Once he had
hated the men who put him down in the basement, to suffer. Now, he would
want nothing else, for they had created their own world. Just the two of
them. And soon it would be just he.
NO!!!!!!!
The animal cry rumbled the car as Mulder clenched the wheel tighter
still.
He had thought about being alone, and couldn't even fathom the idea.
He had already planned it out, even made the funeral arrangements with
Frohike.
But not for her, for him.
It would be simple really. The will stated that his body was to be
buried next to hers. Just a simple gunshot and it would be over. Just a
simple gunshot, and she could be gone too. And he hadn't even been able to
tell her how he felt.
The light in her window brought him hope as he screeched into her
driveway. He hurriedly ran up the stairs and to her apartment door.
Breathing deeply, he tried to knock as calmly as he could.
" Scully? You in there? "
He waited a few seconds and then quickly unlocked the door. Running
down the hall, he entered her bedroom and stopped. His breath halted with
his body and his head shook slowly.
She lay, in quiet beauty, in the most seductive nightgown he had
ever seen. Photos of her loved ones lined the bed, and Mulder saw her hand
draped over the one nearest her body. With stark awareness, he realized it
was his.
" Oh Scully..."
Her eyes fluttered closed as he suddenly came out of the dreamy
state that was taking him over. Rushing over to her bed, the man gathered
her body into his arms. In sudden joy, he saw her eyes struggle open.
" N...n...oo..." The low gargle from her mouth made Mulder stop.
" D...di...diiii..."
Mulder shook his head and ran out of the apartment.
" That's right Dana. You won't die, " he breathed.
" Lll...ttt...me....diiii.."
Mulder's hands suddenly quivered and shook his head even harder.
" No, " he closed his eyes momentarily, " No Scully. No way. I won't
let you."
He then saw her look at him with such pleading eyes, he stopped on
the last step. Gazing into her face, he knew that she wanted it this way.
" Please..."
Her voice was ragged, and her eyes kept shutting.
Mulder suddenly felt a rush of love envelope him, so strong he
turned to carry her back. He softly brushed his lips against her forehead,
taking her warm body tighter in his arms. Pressing her face against his, he
gently started to weep, spilling his tears over her soft face. Scully's eyes
fluttered open, her brow furrowing in deep concentration. She wanted to
scream, " Let me live!" but she knew that it had to be this way. Closing her
eyes to not see her partner's pain, she blocked out the sound of his sobs.
Mulder knew what Scully wanted, but couldn't give up so easily. He knew that
there was a cure, he just had to find it. And he knew that he would find it.
He knew. That he knew.
" No...no. You will live. Or I will die..."
Scully took a sharp breath and fell into black.
***************************************
Four hours later, a hospital in DC
Looking into the eyes of her partner brought back all the memories,
all the pain, all the embarrassment.
" Got to hell, " her voice shook.
Mulder's huge smile melted and he closed his eyes, as if to avoid
the agony. Gripping his chair tightly, he shook his head slowly. Opening his
mouth, he realized no words could come.
" Scully, " his voice cracked, " you....I've already been there and
back.."
His faced crumpled and showed no emotion but pure despair.
Scully instantly reached toward him, but then stopped. She would not
let him control her like this, no way would she be shaken down. Turning her
back, Scully retreated inside herself. Shutting down, her eyes took a blank
look and her breathing slowed. Over the years of pain, she had perfected her
wall so absolutely that nothing could break through. Not even the man she
loved? Surprised, she darted her eyes around the room. But then Scully
realized that she had thought that herself. Love? Rolling over, the woman
looked deep into Mulder's eyes.
Pain. Fear. Uneasiness. Meditation. Marvel. Love.
Yes she saw it there but..
" Please Mulder, go away!" her eyes begged and her face pleaded.
Inside her heart, Scully knew that she couldn't hold very much
longer. She was succumbing to his powers and it was scaring the crap out of
her. She had always been strong and powerful, a liberated woman. No man
would make her melt. Unfortunately, one was doing so right now.
" Scully, I..I.." He stopped, swallowing, wondering himself what he
was about to say.
Clearing his throat he started over. " Scully...No, Dana....Dana I..
"
" No! I don't want to be lying here! Don't you understand that
dammit? Is it so hard to get through your head? I wanted to KILL MYSELF!
Dammit Mulder, didn't you get that? I didn't slit my wrists for fun, I...oh
fuck. "
Drops of blood were starting to spot her hospital shirt as she
became paler and paler. The monster inside was again showing it's awful red
face, dripping the life out of her nose.
She had been out for at least four hours, blood was still being
pumped in her, and Mulder knew she shouldn't be screaming the moment she
woke up. But he was too shocked. He couldn't understand what she was saying.
Tears were streaking down her face as Maggie burst in the room.
Looking at her daughter's face and Mulder's stupefied expression made her
realize that something was completely wrong. Taking Mulder into her arms,
she pulled back as he started to sob. Her face turned frantic as she pulled
him tighter.
" Fox what happened? Oh my god, what's happening here?"
The room seemed to be falling apart. Everyone inside was collapsing,
exposed to the raw. Maggie hesitated, then pulled away from Mulder and went
to her daughter's side.
" Dana, what's happening?"
She didn't know what else to say. Tears started to spill down her
own face as she clenched her daughter's hand. Turning to Mulder, she watched
him duck out the door.
"Dana," her voice became deeper, more soothing. " Did Fox say
something to hurt you?"
Scully sighed and quickly shook her head. " No mom. I said
something..no..alot of things, to hurt him."
Scully licked her lips and turned away.
" Oh Dana. He loves you so much and.. "
" No!" the yell shot through the air. Breathing slowly, Scully took
on calmer tones. " No...we're just friends mother. He..why did he have to
come? Why does he always have to save me? Why is he so perfect? He could
never care for me.."
The tears started again as Scully felt so small and unloved. Her
words seemed so true, yet she couldn't understand them. Everything was
slipping. This is my blood.
" No Dana. I called him because I was afraid. And the reason he went
to your house was because he cared. He could have reassured me. He could
have taken the jog he was planning. He could have waited until the next day.
But he didn't even say goodbye to me because he was already afraid for you,
like I was. He left that second Dana. Because he loves you. He would never
do anything to hurt you."
Dana's eyes flashed a deep understanding; she pursed her lips in
thought.
" Mom...run after him..."
Dana curled up in a ball and sobbed to her pillow. She was grateful
when she felt her mother's hand leave her back, but also never felt so
lonely.
**********************
Mulder gripped the wall outside her room as he felt himself falling.
" Steady there, Agent Mulder. "
Looking up, he started into the face of his boss, AD Walter Skinner.
" I heard what happened. I, um, also heard you had a visitor. Look,
this is really awkward but I was instructed to find out who Scully brought
to your apartment."
Mulder's eyes flashed dark and gazed at his boss, not believing what
he heard.
" You asshole. Dana is lying in this room, after attempting suicide,
and all you care about is who she brought to my apartment?! What son-of-a
bitch has been spying on us anyway? Well you can shove it since I have no
idea what you're talking about!" Mulder started to walk down the hall,
stopping at Skinner's voice.
" Don't do this Mulder. You know that I have orders. I came here to
see how Scully was doing. I do care, even if you may not think so. But I
also have my job to think about. Remember, Agent Mulder, that if I lose my
job, there is no one to make sure you keep yours. No one. Now, would you
like to answer the question?"
" Yes. Yes, I would." Mulder smiled, his eyes flashing wild. " Mr.
You came to visit."
" Mr. Yoo?" questioned Skinner.
" That's correct Walter. Mr. Fuck You."
And with that, Mulder turned the corner, disappearing from sight.
Skinner clenched his jaw and knocked on Scully's door.
" Hi..I hope I'm not interrupting..."
**************
Mulder's feet angrily slapped the asphalt as he pounded out of the
hospital to his car. Hot, angry tears burned his eyes and he clenched his
teeth rapidly. What had he been thinking? Scully was going to die anyway, he
should have let her do it the way she wanted. Always trying to be the hero.
the ultimate savior for mankind. Well he hadn't saved his sister. He hadn't
saved his father. And he would never save Scully.
"Dammit!"
His voice cut through the dark and bounced off the few cars left in
the lot. Why was she so stubborn? And why did he think she could ever feel
the way he did? Mulder laughed then, a dry bitter sound. He gazed at himself
in the car window. Wild hair and eyes, a haunted shadow always present on
his face, thin bones from not enough good food and actual sleep. He was the
madman, the wild one who laughs at the thunder, the crazed lunatic who
searches the night sky for anything, anyone. Spooky. Yes, that about put it
the way it was. And Scully, poor thing. He had brought her on his wild ride.
She had been so skeptical, but now, now he realized she wasn't sure who she
even was. And what was inside her, slowly taking her life away.
" Dammit," he whispered. Slow and soft.
As he reached in his pocket for his keys, he felt a hand on his
back. Turning quickly with his gun poised, he lowered it with a shaken
apology.
" Mrs. Scully...oh god am I sorry. It's just that I thought you
were..."
" Doesn't matter Fox. Look, I'm here to coax you to come back. I
talked to Dana, and well, she's very confused. But one thing she isn't
unsure about is you. She didn't mean what she said Fox. It's the hurt, the
anger of this...cancer..that's inside her. She needs you Fox.."
Mulder! Mulder, I need your help!
Voices from the past flew through his mind, but quickly he shook his
head.
" No, no she needs to do this herself. I already messed with her
plans, and I'm not going to hurt her again. Let her know that when she's
ready, she'll know where to go." He nodded at the middle-aged woman and
stepped inside the car.
" Good luck Mrs. Scully. Excuse me please."
She crossed her arms over her chest, protectively, and gave him a
weary smile.
Watching the car drive off, she felt a clench of fear, of the unknown. She
needed support now, but it seemed she would have to handle this one alone.
Like so many other times. Mrs. Scully felt anger slice through her as
she turned back to the hospital. He always seemed to leave her daughter when
she needed him most. And then she realized, maybe that's what was meant to
be. That's why it worked so well. Because Mulder knew that Dana would only
grow stronger alone. For she was solitary. And when she had gotten over the
climax of the problem, that's when he would be there. To show her that he
was rooting, but from the sidelines. And only if she was completely fallen
would he be there to comfort her.
And Mrs. Scully thought back and remembered that when he had been
gone, he had always been searching for her answers. They worked as a strange
give and take. At Allentown, Mulder was gone, not at all by her side as Mrs.
Scully hoped he would be. But Dana told her that he had come, with her
answers, and a comforting hug and kiss thrown in later that night. A sweet
kiss she would never forget.
Mrs. Scully knew that Mulder would be back when Scully was back
herself. For that was the way it would always be. That was his way of
showing love. But what a odd way. A Mulder way. Sighing, she entered the
sterile building and frowned. She wished it wasn't like that. Not now. Oh,
god, not now.
****************
Scully sharply breathed out and sat up, quivering in bed. The events
of her attempted suicide crawled through her head, building vividly on her
distraught mind.
The shadow in the corner caught her eye and sent her body quivering.
" Who is it? "
The man stood up and slowly moved toward her bedside. His cheeks
showed traces of tears and the eyes held more pain than most people could
suffer.
" Mulder, what are you doing in my room?"
" I got sick of watching Striptease. I thought watching you would be
more fun."
Scully felt her cheeks flush and was grateful for the darkness of
the night. She was about to joke back, then remembered how Mulder had just
left her. Left her when she needed him most.
" If you don't take your perverted little body out the door right
now, I'm going to call the police."
" Oh, look who's calling *me* little!" Mulder's eyes flashed as he
stepped closer to her.
" I mean it Agent Mulder." Scully clenched her bedside and reached
for the light.
" No, " his voice growled low. " I like the dark. In the dark, no
one can see you cry."
Scully paused. She looked into Mulder's haggard face and closed her
eyes, the image burned to her memory. Lowering her hand she softly replied,
" Me too. She's been my friend for a long time. "
"Who?" Mulder asked, sitting down cautiously at the edge of the bed.
" Her. " Scully swept her hand across the room, cutting through the
night.
" The Crone. " Mulder softly replied. " Lilith, Queen of Darkness.
The Temptress...the Goddess who will never share my bed.."
Scully gave him a questioning look, then understood. She slowly
shook her head, then embarrassed, averted her eyes.
" Am I right?" His voice was husky, low.
Scully didn't know how the conversation had changed, but was scared
to where it was going.
" I...I think you better leave now. I'm tired and it's late."
"So that's my answer, " he said softly, nodding his head.
" No Mulder, " the reply was soft.
He turned toward her and reached out his hand.
" You better go. It's late....I'm tired and...it's late Mulder."
He gently touched her face, sweeping his thumb across her cheek. It
trailed down her neck, and stopped, just above her chest. His eyes met her,
and he lifted his hand. Turning, she watched him go, longing for his touch
to continue.
*********************
Mulder stared at the man on his floor. He had been pondering how
Scully had the strength to kill herself. Felt the gun in his hand, letting
it click into place. Granting the tears stream down his cheeks, feeling his
terror. And then the phone call. Someone had been watching him. And now the
idea. The idea from a dead man's blown off face.
The phone screamed again for his attention. He didn't care anymore,
knowing she wouldn't be calling. The answering machine clicked on. Mulder
listened, hearing soft breathing, hesitant and scared.
He lurched for the phone rumbling, " Mulder, " into the mouthpiece.
" It's me." The voice was very quiet, almost too low.
" Yeah..." he tried to remain calm, but thoughts burst through his
head. " Are you calling to bitch me out again?"
She flinched, hearing the attempted humor turn very sour. " No."
A pause elapsed, very uncomfortable, each too tired to fight.
" I....Scully I'm so very sorry.." His face crumpled again,
remembering her death wish. Let me die. Oh Scully, he thought, if only you
knew what a wish that was.
" No Mulder, *I'm* sorry. For.."
He cut her off, saying quite loudly, " No way. You needn't be sorry
for anything Scully, ever. You.."
" Dammit, Mulder, just let me talk.."
He pursed his lips and nodded. Talking to Scully made him forget she
couldn't see the movements each had learned to interpret so well. But she
took the silence for a "yes" and continued.
" I'm..I'm at home now actually." Mulder leaned forward in his
chair, eyebrows raised.
" They said I didn't lose much blood since....I got to the hospital
quickly.."
He closed his eyes, knowing she couldn't say the words.. " since you
saved me ".
" Well, I'm off work now by directions of AD Skinner. Mulder, I
don't know if he'll let me come back. He said I had one more week and then,
well......I'm also going to therapy every day now. But Mulder...I can't
leave you.."
" What? Why you're prefectly capable to work. Who gave him the
orders?"
" I don't know Mulder," her voice sounded so tiny, tiny. " Them."
They let the word hang there, suspended in it's awful entirety.
Them. Each knew who "them" was.
" Look Scully I have a dead man in my apartment. If I could have
time to find the answers, your answers, they won't be able to take you away.
Because by that time you'll be okay and they will be the ones locked up.
Don't you see it Scully? We're so close. They know this cancer isn't killing
you. If their going to take you off work, send you away, they're getting
scared. We could save you...I'm so close..."
" A dead man Mulder? Who? How? Mulder, what have you been doing?"
" Look Scully, I'll explain later. Go out, by us some coffee and
doughnuts, and we'll talk. I'll be over right away.."
" Mulder I'm tired.."
" Scully, you've used that excuse up. I like chocolate sprinkles
best."
" Shut up Mulder."
He smiled. Everything seemed to be coming together, like he knew it
would. Only a few more pieces and it would be finished. He hoped.
********************
" Keep on going FBI woman.."
" Mulder, what are you doing in my apartment, in the dark?"
" I let myself in. But I wasn't expecting this strip show. Too bad
it was over so soon..."
" I got the food...Mulder, turn on the light.."
"Scully..." The word sounded so serious, shaking the light
atmosphere. She immediately tensed up and averted her eyes.
" I'll be right back..the coffee's getting.."
" Scully..." Again, his voice rang thick and rich. She peaked at him
through lowered lashes.
Walking toward her small body, he reached for her face, gently
tracing a finger down her cheek. Like a tear. She kept her eyes glued to the
floor, but then slowly grasped for him.
Crumpling against his chest, Scully tangled her fingers through the
thick mat of hair atop his head.
" I thought...I thought *the truth* was going to save both of us
Mulder."
He rested his cheek against her auburn hair, closing his eyes
briefly.
"It will Dana. In time it will.."
She sighed, contented, wanting to rest forever in his arms.
"I'm glad Mulder, " she pulled away now, embarrassed. Crossing her
ams over her chest she walked across the room. " Glad you didn't let me
die."
Afraid of the silence that followed, she glanced out the window. But
the sight of Mulder's reflection made her turn around. His face was purely
ecstatic, a huge grin spread across his handsome face.
" I have been waiting for those words so long. I won't let you. The
truth is saving you Scully. "
" It will save both of us. " She whispered the words quietly,
slowly, letting them pierce the air.
She felt Mulder's hand on her back, and she tilted her head upward.
As if Mulder was the water she had been thirsting for. But he didn't kiss
her. Instead, he let his lips linger just above hers, so close she could
feel tingling from them. Gasping, Scully realized that they could kiss
without even touching lips. The energy between them was so intense, she was
tingling from head to toe. Mulder then brushed her bottom lip with the
slightest butterfly kiss, and then traced her top lightly with his tongue.
She shivered, delighting in the beauty of it all. Leaning in, she touched
the side of his mouth with hers, sliding her lips slowly over his. He
whimpered softly. Opening her mouth to his, she let him dance around her
tongue. She bit lightly down on his tongue, sucking it gently. Mulder pulled
her closer, never letting his hands leave her back. They deepened the kiss
even further, breathing in each others very soul. She broke away, trailing
her mouth to Mulder's neck, sucking it delicately. Taking his blood.
Renewing herself. Mulder caught her mouth in his once more and kissed her
quickly, over and over. Scully giggled. Mulder too started to laugh, and he
rested his head against her chest, feeling the laughter he created.
" I'm such a bitch."
Mulder shook his head and smiled. " No Dana. You try to be too
strong, that's all. But when you let yourself be honest, something beautiful
comes about. Like now. I know the real Scully didn't tell me those things in
the hospital. It was the enigmatic Dr. Scully to save the day. The wall in
which no on could pass through.."
His eyes lit up and very quietly he said, " But I did.."
" Yeah, but not *all* the way.."
Mulder's head jerked up and he searched her face.
" Scully? Wait, what did that mean?"
" I'm tired Mulder..." she slowly untangled herself from his arms.
" Oh no you don't..."
Kissing her quickly, he took her into his arms. Her face lit up and
laughed as he carried her to the fireplace. Setting her down, he softly
curled up next to her, draping one arm around her small body. They lay
there, very quiet, for a long time. Mulder stroked her stomach gently,
kissing the back of her neck. She turned toward him suddenly, nuzzling her
face into his neck and tightly holding his body.
" Never let me go."
" Scully...no Dana...I..I love.."
" I know."
Mulder nodded slowly, pulling her closing, wanting to always protect
her.
" I'll be a dead man tomorrow you know."
" To save me. Me. What will you find?"
" Your life. Your truth. "
She kissed his eyes with the slightest touch.
" And I shall be healed."
Mulder stroked her hair and let the tears flowing down his face
mingle with hers. He pulled her up then, taking her wet face in his hands
and kissed her tears away.
" Yes you will Dana. I promise."
"Given up to you."
"What is?"
But Mulder knew. His touch could heal her wounds, but her gift would
heal his heart.
Dana, I'm not worthy to receive you.
But only say the word, Mulder, and I shall be healed.
End
Please e-mail me with any comments or flames!!! This would be
greatly appreciated! All my thanks for those who read this far ;-)
DanaKMulder@juno.com OR
M.F.Luder@worldnet.att.net