Disclaimer- No, i'm not CC or someone working at FOX, I am just a
regular person who doesn't own them, but just borrowing them for a while :)
Title- Loss of Spirit
Rating- G
Summary- Mulder's journal entry after Scully's death.
Gabbing space- I just thought that I'd write a story from Mulder's point
of view, bTW Feedback is fun, and don't you all know it ;)
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Enjoy!!

Loss Of Spirit
By: Kelly Horvat

January.7th, 1998
2 weeks ago. Christmas Eve. It happened. My worse nightmare has come
true. She's gone. Except this time, there's no way I can get her back.
What can I say? I have no life. She was my life. Without her, theres not
light to guide me through life. Skinner was a nit shooken up, but he
took it rather well. He wasn't just her boss, but her friend. But
still, Skinner had set me up with another partner for the X-files. What
je doesn't know is how it tore me up inside. The X-files was our work.
She could never be replaced. I was thinking of quiting the bereau. I
thought about it before, but I ended up staying cuz she was there. I
can't say her name. Scu-Dana. That name brings out all my fears, and
makes my vision blur with tears. How can she be gone? It just doesn't
make sense. Why her? Why Dana? Why not me? I would do anything for her.
*Anything*.

I remember when she was just assigned to the X-files. That long Aurban
hair, matching those crystal blue eyes. She was sent to spy on me. But
she never did. As we became closer, and experience more things, I grew
to be her friend. I even grew to ...love her. It's weird you know, all
the people that I have loved the most in the world, are gone. Why me? I
ask myself that question every day, but I get no answers..Why?

Looking back at the four years we have spent together, makes me want to
get angry. Not at her exactly, but for the fact that they took her
again. From me. Except this time, it was the paranormal who took her. It
was her life.

What a rotten way to spend Christmas Eve. the man that did this to my
love is dead. But I wish he was still alive, so I could expreience the
thrill of killing him myself.
I tryed to save her. I really did. The man took her life right at her
own apartment. I should have been there, or she should have come hom
with me. Something. Anything else, and she would be alive this very
moment, and I wouldn't be like this. We'd be laughing over what movie to
watch, or having a serious conversation over coffee. I'd rather just be
fighting with her than this. Anything, but the horror I'm feeling
inside. It tears me up, everytime I think about her being..being.. I
can't say it. I just can't.

I'm just trying to think if I loved anyone as much as I love her. Look
at me. Getting all mushy, I'm supposed to be tougher than this.
But in a way, I'm weak. Every morning with her sarcastic remarks was a
way of keeping me going. I can't go on.

I remember the time when she was abducted. I was a mess. But Margaret
Scully convinced me that everything was going to be alright. I believed
her. I had faith. And she came back to me.
I have faith that she will truly come back. Not in body, but in spirit.
I believe that she will visit me, and tell me that she loves me. I will
do the same.
I know that moping around after her death, doesn't help anyone. But it's
like half of myself has died, and I've only got the only half to keep me
going. Thats a bad feeling to live on.
Skinner understands why I'm like this. So does Margaret Scully. She knew
that I loved her deeply, and cared for her. She's the only one that
fully understands. My own mother hardly even cares for me.

I look down at my neck. her cross is there. Close to my heart. Where
she'll always be. I never took it off since, and probably never will.
This cross is symbolic for our partnership, our friendship, and the love
that we have for eachother. This cross is symbolic to the faith that I
keep toward her returning.
This concludes this journal. For this is a book of my hopes and dreams.
But now, I have none.

--M

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