Title: So Much to Say
Author: Sharron Ibbitson
Rating: PG
Spoilers: None
Summary: Character death

Disclaimer: Mulder and Scully and any other recognised characters belong to Chris Carter and Fox, I'm just borrowing them, but I promise they will be returned shortly.

So Much To Say

The first thought that entered my mind when I opened my eyes was pain. My whole body seemed to hurt and it was hard to breath. The second thought was for Scully, where was she? Was she okay? My questions were soon answered when I heard her voice. I turned my head towards the sound and gasped as even that slight movement caused waves of pain to course through me. She must have heard me for she turned towards me.

"Mulder?" she questioned gently and I could tell by the sunken eyes and the wrinkled clothing that she had been sitting there for some time. What had happened to me this time? "Mulder can you hear me?" she pressed slightly more forcefully.
"Scully" was all I could manage to say, but the sound that came from my mouth sounded foreign even to my own ears.
"Oh Mulder" she said and I could tell she was holding back tears.

What was going on? I didn't feel that bad. "Mulder I'm so sorry I let you down" she sobbed through a stream of tears. What was she talking about? How had she let me down? So many thoughts rushed through my head, but I couldn't put anything into words, why couldn't I speak? "I should have been there, I was so late just because I wanted to impress you and make you love me"

Whoa back up a minute, trying to impress me? Make me love her? Doesn't she realise that I already love her and that without her I'm no longer whole?

"It's all my fault that you didn't have any back up. I'm always nagging you not to ditch me, as soon as you decide you can trust me enough to let me in on your plans, I have to muck about getting all dressed up trying to get you to fall in love with me. What happens? You get fatally wounded and it's all my fault!

"Did she say trying to get me to fall in love with her? Hang on a minute fatally wounded?! But I'm alive and breathing! Then that means… No I can't be dying, not now, not like this. There's so much I have to do, so much I have to say. Especially to Scully, how much she means to me. How much my life has improved since she's been a part of it. I can't go like this. There're so many things that I have to tell her.

I didn't realise I was crying until I felt her thumb gently wiping my tears away. I finally manage to turn my head enough to look at her and I notice that she too is crying, I long to wipe her tears away, but I no longer have the energy to move. I take a breath and know that it is one of my last. I have to say something to her.

"I love you" was all I said, but it seems to have made a difference as I when I look at her face I see she understands. She knows that I forgive her, she knows that if things were different I would want to spend the rest of my life with her.

She leans down and her lips gently brush against mine, I find myself responding to her touch. I know she knows that my love goes beyond life, and will stay with her forever, no matter what. That known I slowly close my eyes and succumb to the darkness.

Even now three months later, as I sit in paradise, my love for her is so strong I know she can feel it. I know that I said all that was to be said.

Please send any feedback to sharron.ibbitson@mcmail.com or s_ibbitson@yahoo.com