Sent: Monday, January 12, 1998

TITLE: Desiderium
AUTHOR: Justine MacDonald
EMAIL ADDRESS: justmacx@hs-online.de
DISTRIBUTION STATEMENT: Anywhere!
SPOILER WARNING: seasons 1-4
RATING: G
CONTENT WARNING: MSR/death
CLASSIFICATION: S RA
SUMMARY: Scully's journal and the effects of her death

Disclaimer: Don't own 'em, never did, and never will. the end.

Author's Notes: Well, nobody has politely asked me not to post any more of
my stories after The Truth and The Light, so here's another one.

Desiderium is Latin for a wish or longing.

Desiderium
by Justine MacDonald

He was finally home. He usually loved being on the road--it wasn't like he
had a whole lot around his apartment to make him want to stay for a long
period of time. But this trip was different.

Scully hadn't been with him.

She had become sick and been relieved of her duties. He hadn't wanted to
go. What if she had need him while he was away? If she had--he choked on
the thought. What if she died while he was away? Surely someone would
have called him back. Mrs. Scully was sure to, if Skinner hadn't. But
there had been no phone call.

Thinking back, he guessed no one would have been too disappointed if he
hadn't gone, but Mulder had made the mistake of consulting with Scully, who
had, of course, insisted everything was fine and he should go. He would go
to the bottom of the ocean to get her a pearl if she had asked him to.
Anything for her.

As if someone had been outside his apartment, waiting with a cellular phone
for him to return, the phone in his apartment began ringing as he stepped
thorough the door. For a moment, he contemplated not answering it, but
changed his mind. He sprinted to answer it before the person on the other
end hung up.

But when he picked up the receiver and answered in his usual manner, he
wondered if they had done just that. Fox heard no dial tone, but neither
did he hear anything else. Then he head her voice, as he was about to hang
up, only slightly one notch above inaudible.

"Fox?"

"Dana? Are you all right?"

"I need you to come here." He didn't need any more persuading. Mulder
dropped the receiver, the cord dangling to the floor and reached out the
open door, almost forgetting to close it behind him.

?X?X?X?X

Fox Mulder ran to her apartment. How he had driven across town was a
mystery to him, blind to the speed-limits, road signs, stop light. A war
could have been raging in the streets around him and he wouldn't have
noticed.

He should have been there. Scully needed him. She sounded so weak on the
phone. Mulder had never, ever thought of her as weak, in fact, she was
much stronger than he was. When he arrived at her apartment, the door was
ajar. He pushed it open and cautiously stepped inside.

"Scully?" He heard no answer and called her name again as he walked toward
her bedroom. Mulder opened the door and, seeing her laying in her bed,
eyes closed, pale face, raced to her side.

"Dana?" He asked, kneeling by her side. Her eyes opened and she smiled at
him, only a small smile--almost a slow twitch of the corner of her mouth,
really--saving her strength for other things.

"Fox--" Mulder took her hand in his. She felt cold.

"Dana, I'm sorry, I never should have gone." If she had the strength, he
knew she would have smiled again.

"Don't be silly," she said weakly. Then she was serious. "I've been
waiting for you to came back. There's something on my desk for you." She
motioned with her free hand in the direction of her desk. He started to
get up, and she wrapped her fingers tighter around his hand, "No," she
said when he turned to her. "Later. When I'm gone."

"Gone?" he said, under his breath, as he slowly resumed his position on
the floor beside her. She nodded once, slowly.

"I'll take you to the hospital." He suggested franctially. Anything to
keep her with him.

"No. I don't have long left and I want to spend the time with you, not a
bunch of doctors." Mulder nodded, kissed her hand, played with her hair.
He looked in her now dull blue eyes. Mulder rose and she didn't protest,
as if knowing he knew what she wanted him to do.

Fox crossed over to the other side of her bed. He lay beside her and she
turned to him and wrapped her arms around him, without much effort, it
seemed to him, as if she had been saving all her strength for this moment.
Mulder kissed her, gently, restraining himself because she felt so fragile
in his arms--wafer thin crystal, already weak in places from continuos
beatings, threatening to shatter if touch in the wrong spot. Dana didn't
seem to care about how fragile or weak she was, thought. She pressed
against him harder, kissing him with everything she had. Every
frantically or her being. The only reason she stopped was that her body
refused to let her continue.

"Fox, I love you." She said, looking into his hazel eyes--concern (are you
all right?), regret at things, like that, not said, paths not taken, pain,
knowing he would have to live without her forever. Another person ripped
from his life. She felt guilty for putting him thorough that again, but
knew if she said as much, he would tell her not to be.

"I love you too, Dana." Reading her was much more simple. Love for him,
but sorrow for leaving him alone. But no fear of the unknown. Her eyes
showed no hint that she was in pain.

"Will you hold me until the end?" she asked him. He nodded. Mulder hoped
that the end would never come, and they would lay like this, holding each
other until the end of time.

Or that they would at least have a few hours. But only a few minutes
later, Fox suddenly felt empty. Like someone had ripped his heart out,
but at the same time, felt a wave of pure love wash over him. As if love
was tangible, a sea blue blanket that Dana had wrapped around him to
protect him from the cold; or a fiery lantern, lighting his way through the
eternal night that wads life without her. His gut wrenched as he realized
what that meant.

Her eyes were closed and he no longer felt her breath on his face like he
had moments before. He squeezed her body against his, no longer worries
about breaking the fragile crystal. It had already shattered into a
million pieces along with his life, all the hopes and dreams he had ever
dared to dream since he had met her.

"Don't do this! Don't leave me. Please. Don't die, you can't die." A
little quieter. "I can't live without you." But he knew she wouldn't
answer. She was gone, forever. Life without Dana. Work without Scully.
He didn't know how he would go one with either, but knew he had to try.
For her. She would want it that way.

Fox Mulder wept. Whispered her name over and over again. their bodies
shook with his sobs. Wondering why God hadn't taken him instead. He had
never felt so empty, so utterly hopeless, so alone. Not even when Sam was
taken. There had been and still was that chance, however slim, that he
would find her safe and sound. But Dana was dead, and nothing would bring
her back. It was a long time before he release her, laid her back
carefully the bed and called her mother.

?X?X?X?X

Mulder was home now. Margaret Scully had come to her daughter's apartment
as soon as he had called. After he had put the phone down, he went to her
bedside to look at her one last time. Say good-bye. As he walked to the
desk and found the manila envelope with his name written on it, he briefly
hoped Scully's mother didn't bring her sons with her, but he knew he
couldn't have asked that of her.

Margaret Scully arrived, alone. They embraced for a long time and he left
her, looking back into he apartment one last time.

Mulder thought of Mrs. Scully for a moment. The poor woman had lost so
much in such a short space of time. Her husband. Melissa. Dana. Dana .
.. . He shook the forming thought away and reached for the envelope on his
desk. He held it in his hands for a long time, staring at Scully's
writing.

It was a long time before he could open the package. Her gold cross fell
into his lap. He picked up and turned it over and over in his hand. He
stared at it for a long time. The last time he had been in possession of
the cross had been when she was abducted. It had given him strength
them--when he thought all he had had been taken away from him along with
her. As if she had left it behind to help him th rough her absence. Like
she had this time. Only this time, he would never be giving it back.
Slowly, he put it around his neck and turned him attention back to the
contents of the package.

The only other item in the envelope was a small black hard cover notebook,
but before he could open it, there was a knock at his door. He took a deep
breath, trying to gather himself together before opening the door.
Assistant Director Skinner was on the other side.

"Sir," Mulder said, shocked. "Did you want to come in?" Skinner walked
through the doorway as Mulder stepped aside. "Did you want anything to
drink?" Skinner hardly ever made house calls, and even though Mulder felt
as if a bomb had gone off in his chest, he felt he should be a good host.
He scolded himself for thinking of work at this time, but Skinner was on
his side now, and he wanted to keep it that way.

"Mrs. Scully just called me," the AD informed him. "I thought I should
come by and see you."

"I'm fine, Sir." He was lying. He knew it, and he was sure Skinner knew
it, too. Skinner looked at him sternly as he took a seat in Mulder's arm
chair. Mulder sat on the couch.

"I just came by to tell you to take as much time off as you need." A
short pause, then: "Scully was a good person. We'll all miss her."

"Sir, she was only my part--"

"Mulder, you don't have to pull that crap with me. I know you thought of
her as more than just a partner, or even a friend." Because that's how I
thought of her. The next part hard for him to acknowledge, even though he
knew it to be true. "And she felt the same way about you." After a few
moments, Mulder nodded once and Skinner let himself out, leaving Mulder on
the couch, staring at the journal.

?X?X?X?X

I don't know how to start this, or even what I want to say. All I know is
that I need to write this. And I need to write this to you, Mulder. I
wish I had realized before this that I needed to tell you everything. I'm
sorry for waiting until, the end--because that's when you'll read this--to
tell you. Guess I'm not as strong as you thought I was. I hope you can
forgive me.

Since I found out nothing could help me through this illness--nothing would
make me better, I had only one wish. It wasn't to find a miracle cure, or
that my cancer would go into remission, or even that I would live even a
little longer than the doctors estimated. I could have died the next day
and I wouldn't have cared if only I had my wish: to die in your arms.

I hope my wish came true--I hope I did in the warmth of your arms, the two
of us lying on my bed in my apartment. This notebook and my cross waiting
for you on my desk. Not surrounded by strange doctors or a cold hospital
bed, tube and wires
and--

I can't even think about that right now.

I wish it didn't have to be this way for us. Us. It's funny that it's
only now that I say the work with this meaning behind it. So many hopes.
So many wishes. Too many, do you think for a woman who will soon be dead?
Let's see. If I wasn't going to die, what would I wish for?

I would wish for your happiness. Sometimes I wonder if you are truly
happy. And perhaps we could be happy together? I suppose my ultimate
dream would be for us to be together. And maybe we would have children?
You will be a great father. But my main wish is still for you to be happy,
so if I wasn't dying, and you found someone else to make you happy, I could
handle that, I would gladly give up my own happiness for yours.

But this is totally different. I hope my wanting to be with you for the
end doesn't make you hurt more. I'm not scared of dying. I'm just a
little concerned with the pain that will probably go along with it. But I
can endure it, looking forward to the day when I can finally be in your
arms.

I just had a thought. When that day comes, what if you refuse to hold me?
I'm sure I'll be weak and very unattractive. No. You wouldn't do that.
You're the strangest, more caring person I've ever met. No one's ever
treated me as good as you have. When I'm around you, you give me a
strength I never knew I had. A strength to help me endure all the things
we've been through in the X-Files. And when my father & Missy died, part
of the reason I went back to work so soon was that I needed your strength,
your comforting words and touch, just you to help me through those times.

Perhaps that's why I need you there at the end. To give me strength and
courage--not to go through with it, because, obviously, I don't' have a
choice--but to not be scared of what will happen. And when I tell you I
love you, maybe you'll tell me you love me too, because I know you do.
You've never been able to hide anything from me. I know you do, but I
would like to finally hear the words so I really know. For all I know, my
own feelings have been in the way, and I've only imagined your looks, the
way you touch me and say my name. Or perhaps I've been misunderstanding
them all this time. perhaps you'd be like that with any other female
partner. I hope not. I hope I'm right.

?X?X?X?X

You are, Scully, Mulder thought to himself. I can't believe I was capable
of so much love, but I guess I am, because I feel all of this for you. I
wish, like Yom that we could have said something to each other . . .
before.

Mulder put the book down. He needed a break from it. A break from her
writing, her words, her wishes. He also needed a break from his feelings,
and his pain, but knew that wouldn't happen. Even as he walked to the
kitchenette to get a drink, her words played thorough his head. Her last
seconds. Even if he wanted to read on, he couldn't. His vision was
blurred from the tears. There was a knock at his door and Mulder
reluctantly answered it.

"Mrs. Scully," He stood aside and let her in. "Please come in." After
they had sat, he asked, "Can I get you something?"

"Margaret, please. What are you drinking?"

"Scotch."

"Sounds good." He got her drink and wondered, as she took it from him, why
she was here. They had seen each other before he left Dana's apartment
and, frankly, hadn't expected to ever see her again.

"How are your sons?" He asked.

"I don't know. After they took her away, I came here." Mulder was shocked
that she hadn't gone straight home to be with her family.

"Margaret, why are you here, and not with your family?" She seemed to
think about that for a moment.

"I don't really know. I just knew I should come here. You were the only
one who really understood her, who loved her unconditionally. I mean, the
boys loved her, obviously, but by the end, they only seemed to be critical
of her. First she decided to go into the FBI instead of practice medicine.
Then, she seemed happy in the X-Files, and they couldn't understand why
she would want to stay there when it was obviously ruining her career.
When she lost faith in the church, they couldn't accept that she had
changed. They blamed you. And when the found out she was going to die,
they tried to be supportive, but all they could talk about was how she had
ruined her life.

"They are--were just looking out for her." He could tell she wanted to say
something else about it, but decided to drop it. Instead, she said.

"The funeral will by the day after tomorrow. Will you be there?"

"I don't know. I--"

"Please, Fox. She knew you wouldn't want to go, or feel you shouldn't.
She told me to tell you she wants you to be there." He waited a moment
before answering.

"I'll think about it."

"We didn't think she'd make it until you cam home. Dana was waiting for
you. She told me she couldn't die without seeing you again."

"I wish you had called me."

"She didn't want me to. I think if she knew she couldn't wait, she would
have called you."

"I should have stayed." Margaret smiled and placed her hand on his should,
and then left. He picked up the book again.

?X?X?X?X

I'm sorry for leaving you. I know you must be in a lot of pain, and it
makes me sad to know that I'll be the cause of it. I don't know what to
expect. Perhaps I'm with you right now, watching you read this. Can you
feel me near? Perhaps one day I'll watch you play with your children.

I know I'm going on and on. You're probably going to get totally
depressed, but that's not why I've written this--I wrote it just so you'd
know. I've written all this and still haven't successfully conveyed to you
how I really feel about you. I could write a thousand pages and not be
able to tell you.

I was so excited to be assigned to work with you, because I had heard so
much about. Perhaps it was just because of your reputation, one last act
of rebellion. But something drew me to you. Basically 'they' wanted me to
de-bunk your work, although they didn't like to call it that exactly. When
I first started working with you, I thought to myself, how can I possibly
de-bunk this man's work? He's so passionate about it. It's his life,
everything he believes. As it turned out, even if I wanted to, I didn't
have the facts to be able to do it.

I think that was the first think that drew me to you: your deep devotion,
passion. I think the second thing was your deep love for your sister.
that fact that your life revolved around finding her. I wish you had, to
relive you of at least one of your burdens. I listened to your hypnotic
regression taps. My gut wrenched at your pain, I wish I could have helped
you.

Once I told my friend Ellen, just after we started working together, that
I thought you were 'cute' (although 'cute' isn't the work I'd use now, I
think, smiling to myself!) Anyway, one day she brought this back up, when
I was saying there were no men in my life. But then it was too soon and I
didn't know how you felt. Then, when I did know, I thought it was too
late, and then it really was too late--I was dying.

Then there was that time in the Arctic with that prehistoric worm thingy.
(Sometimes it makes me laugh when I think of all those weird creatures
we've encountered, you and I). I probably didn't have to be nearly as
thorough as I was, but having you there, and we were alone, I just wanted
you to take me in your arms and tell me everything would be fine--even if
it probably wouldn't.

I couldn't get over the fact that I was actually jealous when Phoebe showed
up. I mean you were a free man, but somewhere deep down, I couldn't help
but think you felt the same way I did, and that told me you felt nothing of
the sort.

The first time I was certain how you felt about me was when my father died.
You didn't tell me I should go back to work, and when I did, you didn't
tell me I should go back home. My brothers did. They thought I was being
disrespectful by going back to work so soon. But you didn't, or at least,
you didn't convey that message. You were just there, passing your strength
onto me like I wish I could have done for you more often.

You were angry with me for believing Boggs, but only because you were
concerned about me. In that hotel room I told you I loved my job, but I
was actually telling you I loved you. I couldn't say the words, not then.
Perhaps I thought you wouldn't believe, think it was because I was stricken
with grief, which I was, but it was still the truth. Then I saw you on the
hospital table, convulsing, and I wished I had told you be cause I was sure
you were going to die. You were the only thing holding me together and you
might leave me, too. I couldn't have handled that. I freaked and I
threatened him. Even recovering in your hospital room, you were still
there, passing on your strength. I should have told you how I felt after,
but I didn't and that time it was cowardice.

When the X-Files was shut down, I was only upset for you. Because it was
your work. What you loved. I was upset for me only because we were being
reassigned--separated and I thought I would never see you again. I mean,
we weren't friends 'per se'. Not the kind that just dropped in on each
other.

I remember waking up in the hospital room and you bursting in all flustered
and concerned. I don't' remember anything about my abduction--nothing I
readily want to believe, anyway. It was then that I saw in your eyes that
you knew what I had known for a long time, you knew you loved me too. It
should have been then. We should have told each other that moment, even
if my mother was in the room. But I guess we can't turn back the clock.

I always pretend and try to act to strong. Like I can handle any gruesome
thing the X-Files throws at me, but sometimes I can't but you're always
there, and you never make me feel weak or like a wimp. You silent strength
help me through everything.

When Melissa was killed, I felt it was my fault, for a time. I was
especially hard for me because the bullet was meant for me. I should have
been the one to die. And I had wished I had. But you were there for me.
Even though you had just lost your father, you were there for me. I thank
you for that. I wish I could have been there for you more--both in the
past, and the future that will never happen.

Then I found out about this. I hated telling you I was so afraid of what
your reaction would be. But like always, you were there. Even though I
knew you wanted to be upset, angry. So much had been taken from you--so
many people close to you--and now this.

Thank-you. Thank-you for your strength, and support. And love. Most of
all for that. And for just being there. Whether I needed you or not.
That wasn't right. I've always needed you. You know what I mean.

I was hoping to fill this whole book, but I'm getting very tired. It's
getting very hard to do this for any length of time. I hope it satisfies
your thirst for knowledge, though I don't think it will, because it hasn't
satisfied me any.

Please don't feel there was anything you could have done for me. That you
failed. The only thing you could have done for me was be there for me.
And you were. I can't say thank-you enough for that. I know this is
tearing you apart inside. It tears me apart to know that you'll be alone.
My heart breaks every time I think of the lost opportunities. The lost
moment we could have spent together because of my silence. I always knew
that I would have to be the one to say it first. Because you are always a
little too cautious when it come to your own feelings. Your own happiness.

I know you're probably thinking you don't want to go to my funeral or that
you shouldn't go because you don't think you belong there. You belong
there. I love you and you love me and that's why you belong there.
Besides, I think my mother would really like it if you went. You need
someone to be there for you. I hope you can find someone to be your
strength. Like you were for me. I know this probably isn't the best way I
could have ended this, but I need to lie down and you should be back soon.

I love you, and I hope you know that. Don't ever stop searching for the
truth, or Sam, or your happiness. You'll find them all again. I know you
will.

Love Forever;
Dana

?X?X?X

Mulder knew all she had tried to get across to him in the pile of pages.
Not because of what she had written--she was right, she could have written
him a thousand pages without properly conveying her message. She had
conveyed it all to him in the moments before she died. The surge of love
she had sent him. He couldn't put into a thought, let alone write it down
on paper. Just an overwhelming sense of love. Knowing it was there and the
magnitude of it.

He put the small book down on the coffee table. It was nine o'clock in the
morning. Dana had died less than 12 hours before. Fox couldn't believe he
had lasted all this time. Twelve hours without her felt like eternity and
he didn't know how he could go on the years and decades without her. She
had said he would find happiness again, even find someone else to love, and
have children. He couldn't see that happening. Not now. Fox couldn't be
happy with anyone other than Scully.

He somehow managed to change his clothes and made it to his office. He sat
at his desk and looked over to Dana's. Of course, she wasn't there and
never would be. Mulder didn't how he did it, but he stayed there the whole
day. First doing meaningless paperwork on the case, then he found a box
and started putting her things in it to give to her mother. Then he found
the keychain.

The Apollo 11 keychain he had given her for her birthday. He had hardly
given her anything over the years and her last gift had been a damn
keychian? He'd failed. She'd said he hadn't, but she had been talking
about saving her life. Mulder had failed her in other ways. He grasped the
keychain tightly in his hands, and slid to the floor in front of her desk.
He couldn't keep the tears away. He let them come freely.

He didn't know how long he'd been sitting on the floor. Tears soaking his
white shirt, the keychain cutting into his hand because he'd been clenching
it so tightly. But when he went upstairs to Skinner's office, the box of
her things in his arm, keychain in his pocket, it was dark outside.

Skinner had gone home hours ago, his secretary, who Mulder had stopped on
her way out, told him. Wouldn't be in tomorrow; going to a friend's
funeral. Got to run, hot date, you know. Good night!

?X?X?X

Fox Mulder stood beside a tree, apart from the rest of the mourners at the
burial ceremony. He didn't want to be here. He wanted to be alone with
his pain. He had never needed anyone until Dana had come along, and if he
couldn't have her to comfort him, he didn't want anyone.

But she wanted him to be here, so here he was. And Margaret wanted him
here and she had lost so much that Mulder wanted to try and help ease her
pain. He would do anything Dana asked him to. Almost. She wanted him to
live a long and happy life. Find someone new. He didn't know if he could
do that, not even for her. All he wanted to do was die and be with her
forever.

Mulder still wore her cross and as people started to leave the grave yard,
he slipped it beneath his shirt. The only people in the large he
recognized were Margaret and her sons and Skinner. He knew there were some
other agents there as well. Friends or co-wrokers from Quantico, perhaps.
He knew them from their standard tell-tale FBI trench coats. Margaret was
the last to leave. She came up to Mulder, beside the tree, wiping tears
from her cheeks.

"Will you come to the house?" He waited a moment, his eyes still glued to
Scully's coffin, then he nodded once. Mrs. Scully smiled sadly and left,
leaving Fox and Dana alone.

Fox walked slowly to the coffin and knelt beside it. He though he had no
more tears left--that he was shed them all the night before in their
office, but still more came. When the tears and shaking of his body hd
ceased enough for him to speak, he asked the god that she believed in why
He had taken Dana and not himself. She had never done anything wrong. HE
was the one who deserved to be in the cold, wooden crate, and her with her
family. He closed his eyes and kissed the coffin, imagining the cold, hard
wood was her warm, soft skin, and the smell of the grass on the autumn
breeze was the smell of her soap and perfume.

Finally, almost against his will, he stood up, walked to his car and drove
to Mrs. Scully's house not far away. He took a deep breath before stepping
out of the far, box in hand, and into the open house. Mulder made his way
quickly to Margaret and gave her Scully's box. She said thank-you and that
she was glad he had come. Mulder fixed himself a drink and stood in the
corner, watching the other people give condolences to each other.

No one offered him any. He'd lost more than any of these people. They had
lost a friends, or a co-worker, or a long-lost relative. Bill Jr. and His
brother had lost a sister. He knew how that felt, but it was nothing
compared to this, and they hadn't had the change to save her and failed
like he had with his sister. The only person who had lost more than he was
Dana's mother. Now she had lost her husband, and two daughters. Mulder had
lost his life and no one cared.

After everyone had talked to Margaret, she approached him. "Fox, thank-you
for bringing her things." He noticed her look at his neck and when he
looked down, he found he had been twirling Dana's cross in his fingers
without realizing it. He started to take it off to give to her, but
Margaret stopped his hands with her own. "No, Fox. You keep it. I gave it
to you when she was missing, and I want you to keep it now. Besides, I
know she gave it to you. If she didn't want you to have it, she wouldn't
have given it to you."

"Thank-you." Mulder choked out.

"Would you sit with me?" He nodded and they moved to her sofa. Some of
the mourners had already started to leave.

He noticed she had started crying and took her in his arms, but didn't say
anything. Would could he say? the woman had lost a husband and her two
daughters in four years. Much more than he had lost. He knew where Dana
got her strength from. Her sobs eased and after a few minutes, she slowly
pulled away.

"I'm sorry, Fox."

"There's no need to be, Mrs. Scully."

"Yes, there is. I have a lot of people I can turn to. But you've lost a
lot as well, and you've no one to turn to. I came over here to try and help
you and here I am crying."

"It's all right. I want to help you." She smiled.

"I can tell what my daughter saw in you, Fox, even if her brothers can't.
Thank-you." Margaret smiled again and they stood.

"I think I'll leave now." She nodded and he turn towards the door.

end part 1/2
continued in part 2......

Desiderium (2/2)
by Justine MacDonald

EPILOGUE

Fox Mulder sat on his couch, feet on the coffee table next to his gun which
had been there since he returned home after Scully had died in his arms,
and the keychain which he had taken out of his pocket and thrown down when
he got home from Mrs. Scully's. A bottle of Scotch was in his hand. He
decided not to bother with a glass. With every swallow of the alcohol, he
got more and more angry.

How could Scully say she loved him and then torture him like this? She
didn't want him to die. She wanted him to live a long and happy life. Btu
he didn't want to. He wanted to die and end the pain. And maybe he would
be luck and his afterlife would consist of eternity with her. Then he got
angry with himself for being angry with her. She was dead. Scully hadn't
done anything wrong, except ask him to live, knowing he would do anything
she asked. And then with her god for killing her.

Mulder threw the now empty glass bottle against the wall and watched it
shatter and rain down to the floor in a million pieces. Shattered. Like
Dana. Like his life. The sound of it was like the sound of his heart
breaking at the prospect of life without Scully.

the end (2/2)

Just Mac