ReduxII Re-worked: Perfect Blue Building
By Jacqueline Mackay
Copyright January, 1998
spoilers for ReduxII
Rating:PG
DISCLAIMER:
The X-Files, unfortunatly, belongs not to me,( I know, you're
thinking: "How can this brilliant work of fiction belong to an
amateur??!!!! But it does.) but to Chris Carter and those nice people
at 1013 productions. But hey, I've bought ALOT of merchandise.
Shouldn't I be considered a share-holder or something?
Many thank-yous to Shirley and Stephanie Smiley for all their help. (I
have no idea what I'm doing you see) Also thanks to all those nice
people out there on the net who write such awesome fan fic so I don't
go crazy in between Sunday at 9pm and the next Sunday at 8pm. Keep up
the great work!
Archiving: Um, I'll probably say yes, just ask me 1st please.
Write me and tell me what you think of my story, please! No matter
what you think, just tell me! If it's bad and you don't tell me, I'll
probably just write more bad fan fic!
Ok, this is my first stab at fan fic, but when I saw ReduxII, I just
knew that I had to correct the horrible error made by who ever had
written that (ALMOST perfect) episode. I loved Redux II, but here's my
problem: Mulder & Bill fighting - good. Wonderful tension. Mulder
says that he lost not only his father to his quest, but his sister
also. "WHAT????" He didn't lose his sister because of his quest, he
began his quest because of losing his sister!!!!! kinda of a big
oversight, doncha think? Ok, I keep watching the episode. "Maybe it
was just a mistake," I think. Then Mulder confirms to Bill that his
quest, his whole life, is about finding aliens, and proceeds to sit
there and think of how worthless he is because he has spent his whole
life looking for something as frivolous as aliens (and not something
worthwhile, like, oh, I don't know, his sister or something!!)
Aauuggghhh!!!! That's when I knew SOMEONE had to write the scene the
way it SHOULD go. So, here you go.
PS:sorry about the bad spelling. I plead the Eddie Van Blunht
defense!
ReduxII Re-worked: Perfect Blue Building
Jacqueline MacKay
".....(Bill Scully): This what, little green aliens?"
Little green aliens? No! Most certainly not little green aliens.
Certainly he wouldn't jeopardize Scully's life for.....but with a
sickening realization that made his heart ache as never before, (and
that was saying alot) Mulder began to question if HE even knew what
he was searching for anymore. He looked down at his lap, at his
hands, as if maybe the answer was there. Sensing that Bill wanted an
answer, but more interested in finding it for himself, Mulder looked
up. His eyes began to brighten with tears for what seemed like the
seven millionth time that day.
Speaking in a slow , unemotional voice, Mulder began. What
did he care about his pride? What did he care about anything when
Scully was lying on her back in that prison they called a hospital bed?
"When I was 12," he revealed, "My sister was taken away."
Of course, he didn't look at Bill when he spoke. Mulder found himself
transfixed by a point on the wall, staring not actually at the wall
itself, but into the past. Into deep, dark crevices he wasn't sure he
wanted to see.
"She was just gone. I was supposed to be watching her.
Protecting her." Mulder paused for a moment. He felt as if a giant
floodgate was opening. A floodgate he had worked long and hard to build
and keep steadily in place. If it crumbled right now, Mulder was sure he
ran the risk of crumbling right along with it. He might just tumble
into the dark, swirling river of his emotions and be washed away.
Actually, being washed away seemed like a very appealing prospect at
the moment. Maybe if he was lucky he would drown. He decided to
welcome that sublime abyss with open arms.
"It was all so obvious," he started again, slowly and
painfully, "So horribly clear what I was searching for THEN. If I could
only find her, every problem would be solved. Every pain would be eased.
It was all so very simple in my twelve year old mind. If Sam was back,
then my parents would stop hating each other." Mulder's voice
go softer. "My dad would stop hating me. My dad would stop-"
Mulder looked up sharply at Bill Jr's face, momentarily brought crashing
back to reality at what he had almost said, what he had no doubt revealed
to this man. This man who had good reason to hate him. Revealed what
he had never told anyone- not Phoebe- not even Scully. Scully. The
thought of her made him tremble slightly. She forced him off yet
another dark path he didn't want to go down, and back into his
explanation that Bill Jr. asked for but probably didn't want to hear.
Mulder felt he owed it to Scully to find the answer- this one truth
that only he was hiding.
"But after a while," Mulder sighed, "that search died.
It wasn't that I stopped hoping, it was just that I gave up hope.
I think a part of me died with it." Mulder sighed again, this time
more softly.
"I went off to college. I began searching for a way to help
people. Maybe in some small way pay for my sins." He laughed without
any humor. "At least ease my guilt. At first I thought becoming a
psychologist was the way to do that. Then I was recruited by the
bureau, and it seemed like the light at the end of the tunnel. 'This
was it!' I told myself. I could lock away all the bad guys and maybe
even find the people who took my sister. The monsters who would rip
an eight year old girl away from her family in the middle of the
night. And for a while, it seemed like yes, I had finally found what
I was looking for. I was making a difference, catching cereal killers
and putting them away. But it was never enough. It was just so hard,
so unfair. They would always kill so many innocent people before I
could catch them, and there were always more monsters out there.
Instead of feeling the joy and life of the people I saved, I could
feel the death of the ones I couldn't. It was almost as if i was
murdering them myself, at the same time they were murdering me. I
almost went insane. Maybe I did go insane," Mulder whispered
softly, again realizing he had an audience, horrified at the personal
thoughts that were pouring from his lips. He wished desperately that
Bill Jr. would yell at him, or punch him or do something to stop him from
pouring is heart out all over the floor, where Bill was probably just
waiting to pick it up and tear it to shreds. But he did none of those
things, and Mulder couldn't bring himself to look at the grieving man
to find out why. So instead he just went on with his mad apology.
"They sent me off to therapy. Not that they real gave a
damn, but then again I guess they didn't exactly want me out of the way
in those days either. Therapy for the therapist. What a laugh! But
I guess deep down, I always wanted- maybe needed- to please people.
So I went along like a good boy. I tried to fix myself. I was hypnotized
to try to remember THAT night. Any two-bit hack could see that was where
my...problems stemmed from. I guess at that time, you could say
what I was searching for was myself. And I could have sworn I found
myself. I'm supposed to have a perfect memory. Perfect except for
when I really need it I guess. I could never remember what really
happened that night." Mulder ALMOST remarked that the unthinkable
thought had entered his mind- the thought that maybe HE had killed his
own sister. Oh God- that thought was a decade of therapy right there!
Mulder thought better of sharing that little insomniac's nightmare
with Bill Scully. He may be rambling, but no criminal he had ever
encountered was insane enough to do THAT! Planting an idea like that
in Bill's head would be akin to suicide!
"Through regressive hypnotherapy, I remembered my sister
being abducted by aliens. So you see, I'm not searching for little green
aliens, I found little green aliens! And how convenient they were
too. There was someone to blame besides myself, and maybe I could
even find her! All that plus the big prize: a reason to get up in the
morning!" Mulder hung his head even more if that was possible. "I
guess it all comes back to trying to ease my guilt," he said softly,
trying but failing to conceal his tears.
"And so that led me to the x-files. My search for my sister
was on again! But in this search, I actually found something. Something to
hold on to. Something to believe in. Scully. 'My great defender!'" He
laughed humorously. "You got that right! She never believed what
I said, not till she saw the truth with her own two eyes. And then she
still didn't really want to believe. But she always listened. Always.
"And you know, the more she got caught up in all this, the
more I wanted to tell her to get as far away from me as possible. And
I told her that- in the beginning, but she wanted to stay- in the beginning
anyway. But even as my lips were asking her if she was sure, my heart
was crying 'Oh thank God!'
And maybe I should have given up my search right then. I
probably should have said 'All of these dangerous actions were OK
when they only affected me, but now I have Scully to think about.'
And actually I did try. Oh, did I try. But you try to forget about
something like that." With those words, Mulder slowly lifted his head to
look at Bill Jr. It was as if he had just realized something. A small spark
began to rekindle itself in his eyes. Picking up steam, Mulder continued,
"You try to forget about something that was in your heart, in your
head, in your dreams, IN EVERY BREATH YOU TOOK FOR TWENTY-FIVE
YEARS! It's not that easy. And it's not a bad thing to want. And yes,
what happened to both your sisters is my fault. But it's not my fault
only. I see how much you love Dana. If you were in my place,
you would do the exact same things I have done. So you can hate me
all you want. I deserve all your hate and more. But don't you EVER-
not for one SECOND- pretend that I am doing this for frivolous reasons."
With this, Mulder was on his feet. The spark in his eyes had ignited.
With every sentence, he took a step toward Bill, and Bill took a step
backwards. Bill was a powerful man, and he had never doubted his
fighting skills for a moment. But there was something in Mulder's eyes
that made a caged animal seem like good company at the moment.
"Don't you dare pretend this is some kind of game for me,"
Mulder continued. This is hell on earth for me. Your sister lies in there
dying, and I KNOW the great pain you're going through. Every time I see
her in there, or think about her in there, I practically die a thousand
times, but I don't die. Oh, God why don't I die? Instead, I get to live
seeing her in there- every second of every hour of every day- knowing
that it's all my fault!
And if you hate me so much, why don't you just punch me or
kill me or do what ever you want to do- because I deserve that and that
would be your right. But you stand here and ask me if it has been worth it?
If it's been WORTH IT?????!!!!! That is the one thing that you have
no right to infer- that I would deem my quest WORTH the lives of your
sisters. That is the one punishment that I don't deserve." And with
one last searing glare, Fox Mulder strode off, leaving Bill Scully
alone with his thoughts and a shocked, confused look on his face.
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Finis! PLEASE e-mail me and tell me what you think, at
suprnova@fia.net Be honest!!
A few notes- Ok, OK, Mulder pouring his deepest, darkest, secrets out
to Bill Scully? PROBABLY wouldn't happen. But ya never know;-)
Also, don't look for the meaning of the title in the story. It's the
title of a really good song that I thought kinda matched the tone of
my story. Bonus points if you can name the artist(S).