TITLE: THE LONG, TWILIGHT STRUGGLE
AUTHOR: DARKSTRYDER ( CClaib2155@prodigy.net )
CATAGORY: A, A, A! V
SPOILERS: THE RED AND THE BLACK, PAPER HEARTS,
MEMENTO MORI, REDUX II
SUMMARY: SEQUEL TO "TO DREAM IN THE CITY
OF SORROWS." THIS TIME IT'S FROM MULDER's
POINT OF VIEW.

DISCLAIMER: YEAH, YEAH, YEAH. THEY'RE NOT MINE.
I KNEW. SHEESH. BUT THERE'S NO HARM IN
DREAMING, RIGHT?

NOTE: THIS CAN BE READ SEPERATE FROM "TO DREAM
IN THE CITY OF SORROWS," BUT I RECOMMENED READING
THAT ONCE FIRST.

TITLE TAKEN FROM A BABYLON 5 EPISODE. SORRY,
IT'S JUST THAT JMS IS VERY POETIC ; - } .

SOME OF THIS MAY SOUND FAMILIAR TO SOME OF
YOU BABYLON 5 FANS. IT'S JUST THAT BYRON'S
SPEECH IN "SECRETS OF THE SOUL" INSPIRED ME.

FEEDBACK! LIKE I SAID BEFORE, I'M TAKING REQUESTS
FOR FANFIC. TELL ME WHAT YOU LIKE.
CCLAIB2155@PRODIGY.NET

QUOTE:
"WHY DO YOU ANSWER ONLY WITH QUESTIONS?"
"BECAUSE QUESTIONS ARE ALL I HAVE LEFT."
---ANOTHER MINBARI AND DELENN
BABYLON 5
"IN THE BEGINNING"

THE LONG, TWILIGHT STRUGGLE
BY DARKSTRYDER

Five lifetimes ago I dreamt that I
was walking among the stars, drinking
in their hot white light. An angel
came down from the heavens and took
my hand, leading me to a place that
I had only seen in fairy tales.

Now I don't even try to dream. The
nightmares have taken away that luxery.
I was thrown into the harshness
of reality by the bright light that
I once dreamed about, the angels
that became demons, the fairy
tales to ghost stories. They were
the types of nightmares that used to
wake me at night, screaming, covered
in sweat and heat and the pounding
of my beating heart that I wished
would stop.

Lately the demons in those nightmares have
changed. At one point they turned into a
man that I thought kidnapped and killed
my sister, later into the aliens that I
encountered over time, and now, finally,
into the Cancerman. I see him, younger
then, still with a lined face and
a head of thinning grey hair and a
crooked smile that makes your palms sweat
and your head throb. I don't know if he
personally took her, but he took her
nonetheless.

My dreams changed as well. Sometimes
they were of Scully, the men and aliens
cutting her open and doing horrible
experiments on her, taking out one thing
and putting another in. Sometimes I dreamed
that one morning I would get a phone call
saying she was dead, the cancerous tumor
finally pushing into her brain and
killing her.

It was always my fault.

We sat watching the sun rising in the
east, while sitting on my leather couch
that felt cold and slick beneath my
burning body. Her small white hands
were covering mine, but I couldn't feel
them. I wanted to, but I couldn't. The
glare of the sun began to burn my eyes,
scaring me beneath the skin, but I
wouldn't look away. I wanted to feel
pain, wanted to burn and bleed and
scream in rage asking why they
couldn't just let me die.

Scully's hand moved and touched my
forehead, feeling me like a mother feeling
her sick child. "Mulder," she said, voice
a dry, dead whisper that would probably
haunt the dreams that I never had, "you
have to sleep. When was the last time
that you had a good night's sleep?"

Five lifetimes ago, I slept under a
silver moon which bathed me in light,
and angels watched and protected
me.

She touched my arm. I had not even realized
that I had spoken out loud. "Sleep,
Mulder."

I shook my head. "No. The nightmares. . ."
Somehow, I couldn't finish. I had
wanted to tell her what I saw,
*needed* to tell her, but she wouldn't
listen. She had torn out my heart and
stomped on it, leaving me alone and
dying on this leather couch where I
slept every night and awoke screaming
in horror.

Scully moved away, as if understanding.
That felt strange; usually, when I didn't
want to sleep she made me. But this time
she let me be, drowning in my own sorrows.
The awakening day was stealing my dreams
and hopes. I needed the dark, which surrounded
and hid me from this cruel world that
stole everything from me.

I felt the need to speak, to say something
to break this silence that threatened to
tear us apart and eat us slowly.

"Scully." My voice sounded gruff to my
own ears, the sound of a broken man with
nothing left but his nightmares and pain.
"I think---I think that I looked towards
aliens as the abductors of my sister
because I was looking for someone to blame
other than myself. It was just like saying
that the monsters under my bed sucked her
under to eat her for supper. I'm sorry."

She turned and looked at me, pale eyes that
changed from blue to green and back again
looking wide in the yellow light that peeked
in slivers from between the blinds. "Why?"

I couldn't look at her. I could lose
myself in those eyes that promised life
and recieved only death. "For chasing
after something that ruined your life."

A bitter laugh escaped her throat, a sound
from Scully that I had only heard in my head
at night, sung by the chimera in the
darkness. "Ruined my life?" she asked.
"You never ruined my life. It was the
Cancerman and his people that have done
this to both of us, Mulder, not you." Her
voice softened. "Never you."

I shook my head. I wanted to believe her
words, I wanted to believe, but I couldn't.
I shouldn't have looked for something I
didn't understand and could never hope
to find without destroying myself and
whoever touched me. Scully was not worth
the price of that.

"Do you want me to tell you what I
see when I look at you, Mulder?"

Not really. She had violated me earlier;
used my weakened state to touch my face
and etch my features into her memory.
It wouldn't have felt like torture if
I hadn't have felt so numb and dead,
if I hadn't almost cried once more
on her shoulder. It had hurt even worse to
have pushed her away, but I couldn't allow
myself to feel her cool hands on my
burning skin.

"I see a man who has blamed himself for
things that were out of his control. A
strong, beautiful man who can't allow
himself to feel anything because he
thinks he doesn't deserve it." She stared
deep into my eyes, and I saw the lands
from my dream so long ago. "And I see
a man that is slowly destroying himself
and everyone who loves him."

No, no, no. It *was* my fault, all of it.
Everything they've ever done to me and
to her were my fault. I should have quit.
I should have quit.

I felt tears fill my eyes, threatening
to spill across my cheeks and onto her hands
which she had placed over mine again. The
tears would have burned through her skin like
acid and hurt her. I would not cry.

She wrapped her arms around me, and I
let my body relax against her. The tears
started to flow against my will. And I
shattered, sobbing against her like a
baby, hearing my muffled cries. She
rocked gently. I cried out all the pain
and sadness over twenty-odd years, and
I cried for what we had lost, and mostly
I cried for us.

Soon after I quieted, but she didn't let
go, and I didn't make her. I looked up
and with surprise saw that the light had
crept into the room when I wasn't looking,
and I was still breathing and still alive.
Scully had protected me from the light.

I looked her straight in the eye and saw
a distant world, beyond Time and Space,
encased in the white-blue orbs.

"Scully, when I look at you, I see angels."

She smiled, and I knew she understood.

THE END

WHAT DID YOU THINK? DID YOU SEE HOW THEIR
POINT OF VIEWS ON SEVERAL DIFFERENT
SUBJECTS WERE COMPLETE OPPOSITES?

WRITE ME ( CCLAIB2155@PRODIGY.NET ).
DON'T FORGET, I'M TAKING REQUESTS.

I CONSIDER THIS TO BE A 'SHIPPY OR EVEN
A FRIENDSHIPPER PIECE. WHICH ONE DO YOU THINK
IT IS?