Date: Sun, 17 May 1998

TITLE: "The Vanishing Act" (1/1)
BY: Ten
E-MAIL ADDRESS: kristena@ocean.com.au

CATEGORY: V, H (Parody), deep friendship (I can write it,
but it gets hard to concentrate because they whimper a
lot when I keep them apart, so I'm just have to go off
and write them an MSR to make up for it. Always take care
of your pets!)
RATING: PG
SUMMARY: Mulder reaches new ditching depths - will an
appalled Scully be in time to save him?
TIMESPAN/SPOILER WARNING: This is set after a season four
pre-cancer episode - but if I say which now, it ruins the
plot! (Apologetic shrug.) Mention of "Jersey Devil".

THANKS: To Dr Crockett and Debbie for all the help with
medical details and straightening this story out.

DISCLAIMER: The X-Files and the characters of Mulder and
Scully belong to Chris Carter, Ten Thirteen Productions
and Fox Broadcasting, and are used without permission. No
copyright infringement is intended, no profit will be
gained.

Dana Scully charged down the corridor. Her hand was
hovering near her gun. There was no time to waste. He'd
ditched her. All the other times were tiny compared to
this. She'd had no idea of his intentions, that the world
of this case had sucked him in so much. How could he be
so gullible, so stupid, such a jerk???? Handing himself
over to *them*. Entrusting them with his life for so
little? It was only by chance that she discovered he was
*not* visiting his mother like he assured her. How did he
think he would hide the consequences of this deal with
the devil he made? What they would rob from him? Mulder
must have thought that once done, there was nothing she
could do.

True.

So that was why she had to stop it before it began.

Fury washing through her veins, Scully found her goal. No
one had challenged her. She stared at the torture chamber
he'd willingly agreed to go into. She hoped she was in
time to pick him up in one piece instead of several. The
TV screen above the door showed she had no time to waste
- a tray of gleaming sharp instruments was being
arranged, and he was about to be given an injection.

She kicked the door open and charged in, gun steady in
her grip. "FBI - get away from him!"

Frightened almost out of their gowns, the doctor and
nurse leapt back. "What's going on?" the doctor
stammered, needle wavering in his hand.

Mulder's head came up slightly and he regarded her
fuzzily. "Hey, Scully! What're you doin' here...?"

"Stopping you from this ridiculous course of action, you
idiot!" Scully could tell from just looking at him and
listening to him that he'd been given a tranquilizer.
Luckily that was all. "How dare you do this - what the
hell were you thinking!?"

"Er, ma'am... If you don't mind, you're not sterile, and
we're in the middle of a procedure here..."

Scully glared at the doctor. "There will be no procedure.
You are not going to touch or alter the beginning or
middle or ending of *anything* on Mr Fox William Mulder.
Any rearranging is mine to do when he's conscious enough
for me to lay into him!"

"Scully, Scully, Scully," Mulder said, quite unperturbed.
"Whatsa big deal? Everything's fine. When I wake up I'm
going to have a nice new nose."

"Mulder, you are *not* getting a nose job! I don't know
how the hell you got that idea in your head or lodged up
your nose, but the one God graced you with is staying
right on your face. Perhaps that 'black magic' got to
you," she said disgustedly. Mulder kept giving her a
beatific, drugged smile. "Stop it! You might not be
feeling any pain now, but believe me you will..."

"Don't care," he replied cheerily. "Worth it."

Scully fumed. Trying to argue with someone full of
tranquilizer was no fun. Mulder was being so reasonably
unreasonable!

"God! Ditching me is one thing, but ditching a part of
your own body is quite another! Now if there was an
operation to remove an overactive self-absorption gland,
well, I'd whack the thing out myself! Why don't you like
your nose, Mulder? Is it that repulsive to you?"

"Too big..."

"Mulder, it suits your face perfectly. And wouldn't it
attract the females? After all, a big nose is supposed to
indicate the proportions of...other parts of the
anatomy."

"Yeah, got big feet too..."

She sighed. "Why, Mulder?"

Even though his words were serious, the tranq kept his
voice quiet and floaty and his expression still happy.
"To have one less thing to be teased about. To have
achieved something when socially and professionally I've
done nothing. Just to see something that I've done.
Something noticeable. And it'll look nice. Besides - you
dye your hair, so why can't I alter my nose?" He was not
at all rocked by the clear meltdown his partner was
having a few feet from his face.

"No," she forced out between her teeth.

"Scully, it's my nose. I'm tired of being seen as odd,
and looking odd. I want a normal nose. I want one like
your date had."

"Huh?" He'd lost her. The last date she had was in...oh
God, when?

"The lawyer..."

Scully blushed. Rob. Met him at her godson's birthday
party. He did insurance then, or something. She'd dated
him once in 1993 when Mulder was hunting the Jersey
Devil, then she turned down another invitation after the
case closed. After him there had only been a few other
dates. Nothing special. Then at the start of the plastic
surgery case, to her mortification Rob was there as the
malpractising doctor's *lawyer*! He'd obviously decided
on a career change - how the hell had he gotten through
law school so fast?! Conspiracy! - and he *remembered*
her. And he could keep a grudge. Somehow Mulder sensed
it.

"Mulder, I only had one date with him. One. It wasn't
because of his nose. And after that I went back to you."
/I always come back to you./ "Look, Mulder, this is not
worth it. How will Sam recognise her big brother when you
find her if you're all changed?"

"After twenty-plus years she won't know. And the only
thing this nose was good for was as a UFO landing site.
Well, none of them took up the offer, so I'm fixing it
up. Sleeking it up."

She stared down at her partner - he gazed back, high as a
UFO, full of tranquilizer and drying drops to shrink the
lining of his nose. He'd been so desperate he even
submitted to the hated I.V. "Do you really know what
you're letting yourself in for? What they're going to do
in there? You'll be bruised and swollen for three to six
weeks -"

"Stitches on the *inside* though," his flat voice sounded
almost smug, as if it was something to be proud of.

" - and your nose will be even *larger* for a while,
especially at the tip because all the fluid will stay
there longest, and your top lip will be all fat!"

He shrugged. "Already is fat. Hey Doc, is there a lip
job? Lip liposuction?"

"Uh -"

"Keep out of this!" Scully warned. "You've already done
enough damage!"

"Ma'am, that tranquilizer will wear off soon -"

"Good, then I'll take him home. And he'll *feel* the
pain."

Mulder kept going about lips, "Of course they'll be
swollen...but since the Doc's going into my nose through
my mouth, he should be able to do my lip as well...Wadaya
say, Doc?"

"What? Doing your nose through...? You idiot! You chose
the split-between-your-teeth-and-lip instead of the going-
through-the-nose procedure???? Doing a nose job through
the mouth is so rare, it's..." She spluttered. "Didn't
you think this through, get opinions?" Of course not -
this was Mulder The Impulsive...what was she thinking?

"Oh yeah, like I could've asked your opinion... Would've
lost more than my nose..."

"And you still might. Did this 'doctor' here tell you
that after the op your nose will be packed with gauze? In
some cases up to a metre's worth? Which nearly needs a
general anaesthetic to be removed??"

"Better than an alien implant up there. Oh, by the way,
get them to check around up there for one just in case.
Might as well use the opportunity."

"Mulder, you are really getting up my..."

"Scully, get out of here and let these people do their
job. The job that I've willingly signed for." He looked
over at the nurse. "Don't you lot have any security to
cart her off?"

The woman was peering at the strip window set in the
door. "Yeah, but it looks like they're all out watching
this on the TV monitor. We're kind of short on
entertainment around here."

By now Scully was practically bursting with rage. "Just
how were you going to get this little 'alteration' past
me, Mulder? The weeks of bruising and swelling? Answer me
that!"

"Going to say I chased a perp at the Vineyard and got
punched. Simple. New nose."

Agent Scully's response was very simple too. She took a
deep breath and let him have it.

Mulder woke up. He was in a world of pain and it was all
settling on his face. "Ouch..." he moaned and reluctantly
opened his eyes.

Scully was sitting next to his hospital bed. She looked
at him, then away. "How are you feeling?" she muttered.

"Sore...but that's to be expected, isn't it?" He winced
at the pain in moving his face and lips. She didn't
reply, or meet his gaze. "Scully, I know you're mad, but
it'll be worth it. You'll get used to it in time."

Scully made a non-committal noise as he went cross-eyed
trying to look at his nose. But it was covered up. "Does
it look okay?" he asked hopefully. "I mean, did the op go
well? When can I get a mirror and see for myself?"

"I'm sure it'll be fine."

"Where's Langly?" Since this little expedition was day
surgery - go in one morning and go home that afternoon -
he had been told to bring someone with him, a friend to
take him home and stay with him for a few days. Since
asking his partner was out of the question, Langly had
agreed and offered his house to hide at, providing he was
then allowed access to the videos Mulder never lent out.
(The Gunman had acquired the taste for them through
Frohike's own collection.)

"I found him in the waiting room and kicked his butt out
of the hospital for going along with it all."

Mulder went to snort, but thought better of it. /When he
saw you coming, I bet he didn't give that kick a chance
to land anywhere near him... He's probably still running.
Now I'll have to give him all those vids as a peace
offering. Great. Frohike won't be amused either./ He
checked out his partner again. /Why the hell isn't she
looking at me? I guess my face isn't a babe-magnet at the
moment, and it's proof I did win, but I thought she'd be
boiling me alive with her glare at least./

"What's the matter, Scully?" He was beginning to get
suspicious. Something was definitely up. More than just
her anger.

"Nothing!" she chirped with glossy cheerfulness.

"I did *have* the nose job, didn't I?" It certainly felt
like there was an entire Beltway of gauze stuffed in
there. He was scared of the consequences if he had to
sneeze... And his voice sounded really weird.

"Yes, I ordered them -" She made a hasty correction. "I
*let* them do it."

Mulder frowned. The pull on his nose made his eyes water.
He could remember all of their argument in the theatre
and was surprised she'd given up so easily. One minute
she was fighting him tooth and nail - well, nose and
nostril - then she must have told the Doctor to give him
the general anaesthetic, because everything had abruptly
gone black.

A nurse came in. Not the one from the operating theatre,
but she eyed Scully with distrust and hostility as she
busied around. Scully shifted uncomfortably and lowered
her head more. A lock of hair fell into her face and she
lifted a hand out of her lap to brush it away.

Mulder stared. The hand vanished back below his line of
sight, but as sure as there was gauze up his nose, there
was also enough gauze bandage around Scully's right hand
to stretch from D.C. to L.A.

"Scully, what happened to your hand?"

She blushed. "Little accident."

He twigged. Big time. "You *hit* me?"

"You provoked me!" she fired back, pinning him with a
direct gaze at last.

"You *broke* my nose???!!" he fumed. The floaty pre-op
heaven was long gone.

"What are you complaining about? It got you what you
wanted: your precious nose job!" Scully turned to the
nurse. "I think a tranquilizer for Mr Mulder would not go
astray. Please," she almost begged.

The nurse ignored her and kept going about her business.

"Hell, G-woman, you could have killed me - you could've
sent pieces of bone into my brain!"

"Nothing up there to damage!" she shot back. "I feel
terrible about it, but it's all your fault. And getting
you on the nose was purely accidental. It was just so
big, how could I miss?" She suddenly looked contrite.

"Well," he grumbled, "now you see my problem. But at
least that's been fixed up."

The nurse let loose a strangled laugh.

"What?" Mulder asked, eyes darkening. His spooky sense
was bellowing at him.

Scully fiddled with her injured hand, tracing the path of
the bandaging.

"You *did* let them do the nose job?"

Her tone was irritated. "Yes, I said I did."

"The nose job *I* wanted? Number 304b with a touch of 24a
at the tip?"

He could see her wrestling with her Catholic schoolgirl
conscience. "No..." she finally admitted.

"Then what?"

"I held them at gunpoint and demanded that they
reconstruct your old nose. From your 'before' photos and
X-rays."

"All this for THE SAME OLD BIG NOSE?" he yelled, then
seriously regretted stretching his mouth so far.

"I had to be the voice of reason around here! If you
hadn't got that ridiculous idea in the first place, none
of this would have happened! Skinner has me on three
weeks' suspension. Unfortunately for you, I can shoot you
just as well left-handed the minute you're discharged."
She sighed and gave him a sad smile. "Mulder, your old
nose was fine. Really. Don't ditch your body parts like
you ditch me."

Mulder considered his situation. He pictured Scully
decking him in the theatre and what must have followed.
Every other time he ditched her, he did come back pretty
much the same, usually with help from her - so why should
this time be any different? He couldn't help chuckling
and secretly forgiving her. Perhaps his self-absorption
gland had been removed after all. Some things - and
people - were worth hanging on to. This was priceless.
This was devotion. This was great future blackmail
material. "I have to 'hand' it to you, partner. If you
were attached to my person, let's just say I wouldn't
have you surgically removed."

"Oh? And pray tell whether I'd be surgically attached or
with sealing wax or handcuffs or -"

"You're a madwoman!" he replied admiringly.

"I nose," she said straightfaced to his swollen one.

Then they both cracked up and the nurse considered
getting more than just tranquilizers to calm them down. A
nice padded cell for starters.

THE END.