A Thing For Sally

A THING FOR SALLY
I was thinking of her when I heard a sound on our security monitors so I bolted for the door like a threaded metal rod. It sounded like elephants rehearsing a stampede. We were hundreds of miles away from the nearest zoo but very close to a Jenny Craig outlet.

I disallowed the possibility of sabotage. Elephants are incredibly spiritual creatures. They wouldn’t even dream of anything like returning to the wild. Besides, it only sounded like elephants running free. No one actually saw any elephants among the citizenry…but that’s just a wild guess, since I wasn’t out among the citizenry either…but I still hadn’t seen any wild elephants…yet.

We were sitting on what was reputed to be a UFO hotspot, but that wouldn’t explain it because I don’t believe in that crap. So enough of that…

So I put on my pin-striped 3-piece lawsuit & finished standing in my sitz bath, but not necessarily in that order. Then I decided it was time to make a decision.

"Are you okay Sally? Have you calmed down? You have no marks on your chest or back. Excuse me Sally, could you pass the soap? Thanks. Now about that sound…Did you hear anything? Did that remind you of anything…like a…" But Sally was preoccupied with her bath toy. She had been this way ever since she returned from her mission to Egypt to visit the pyramid schemes.

"What is going on here?" I continued. I didn’t even bother to ask her what she was doing in the men’s room. She looked like she was involved with theme music in her head so I decided to…That sound again, this time louder. Her maidenhead still intact, Sally left without her toolbelt. I no longer cared. I used to have a thing for Sally but someone broke into my car one night & took it.

My toes were getting cold, so I turned up the heat. No one looked at me. I think it was because no one else was there. Unless, of course, everyone was hiding from me, and laughing…again.

‘If only I could find my flashlight,’ I thought, ‘I could use it if it were nighttime and I was broken down on the side of the road.’

Was I the only one hearing this sound? My breath quickened and I needed a Tic-Tac badly, so I called the zoo. Then I remembered we didn’t have a zoo, so I called Jenny Craig instead. Wouldn’t you know it, she wasn’t in. So I called the authorities, but as usual, there weren’t any. So I jumped into my passenger pod and drove down to the local store to satisfy my purchasing needs. I also had a hankering for some nougat. The elephants would have to wait. Besides, I really needed an ointment to relieve & condition my rough, dry skin, not to mention that awful chafing & embarrassing itch.

I decided to drive home my elephant theory, but first I had to stop for fuel. Besides, my dog, Quadruped, would probably chase after them when we got there and scare them off. The phone was ringing when we got there. It was Sally. She had broken down on the side of the road (without her prozac) and needed a flashlight. She asked me to bring it to her when it got dark outside. She didn’t mention the toolbelt, so I disallowed any romantic motives. She also needed some AAA batteries, but AAA didn’t have batteries so I got some maps.

I needed to find that flashlight, so I pulled out a battery, gave Quadruped a sniff and sent him hunting. Then I remembered he had passed away recently, so I gave him one last sniff and went out searching for another dog to find a flashlight for Sally. Then I decided to have the dog search for the thing I once had for her first, but first I needed the dog.

Two hours later, no dogs at the zoo. Three hours later, no dogs at Jenny Craig. Calling the authorities was no longer an option. So I jumped back into my passenger pod again and headed for the pound. I picked up a 20-pound Terrier Mix-up with biscuit breath and sent him sniffing for my thing. Twenty minutes later he returned with Sally’s toolbelt, some brewer's yeast & a dozen elephant eggs. He was good. Night was approaching fast & we had to duck. All I needed was the flashlight. Then it hit me. We didn’t duck fast enough. Thinking quickly, I gave Biscuit Breath a whiff of some money and sent him sniffing. He came back smelling like a flashlight.

Before the big hand hit the 12 we found Sally in a good state of repair sleeping in the back seat of her pants. There were marks on her chest & back. Smelling the flashlight on Biscuit Breath, she awoke to the sound of the speed of light & asked about her toolbelt. I consumed the yeast & presented her with the elephant eggs. She replied "You mean you heard them too?" At last, I found my thing for Sally.

The End

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