- If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
- Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
- Don't sweat petty things...or pet sweaty things.
- Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.
- Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
- Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
- Black holes are where God divided by zero.
- How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
- How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't grow in it?
- Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
- I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
- A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
The Joke page is for everybody, when they're feeling a bit down. Please email me your jokes, funny stories, or even photographs and I will add them to the page... they say that laughter is the best kind of medicine!!!
The Boy stood on the burning deck
His feet were full of blisters
The flames came up and burnt his pants
And now he wears his sisters!!!!
Why did the Cookie go to the Hospital......... because he felt crumby!!
Thanks Lisa for that crumby joke!!! hee hee!!
Moses and Jesus were part of a threesome playing golf one day. Moses pulled up to the tee and drove a long one. The ball landed in the fairway, but rolled directly toward a water trap. Quickly Moses raised his club, the water parted, and the ball rolled to the other side, safe and sound.
Next, Jesus strolled up to the tee and hit a nice long one directly toward the same water trap. It landed right in the center of the pond and kind of hovered over the water. Jesus casually walked out on the pond and chipped the ball right up onto the green.
The third guy got up and sort of randomly whacked the ball. It headed out over the fence, and into oncoming traffic on a nearby street. It bounced off a truck and hit a nearby tree. From there, it bounced onto the roof of a shack close-by, rolled down into the gutter, down the drainspout, out onto the fairway, and straight toward the aforementioned pond. On the way to the pond, the ball hit a little stone and bounced out over the water and onto a lily pad, where it rested quietly.
Suddenly, a very large bullfrog jumped up on a lily pad and snatched the ball into his mouth. Just then, an eagle swooped down and grabbed the frog and flew away. As they passed over the green, the frog squealed with fright and dropped the ball... which bounced right into the hole for a beautiful hole in one.
Moses turned to Jesus and said, "I hate playing with your Dad."
An Honest Prayer
Dear Lord,
So far today, God, I've done all right. I haven't gossiped, haven't lost my temper, haven't been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish or over-indulgent. I'm really glad about that.
But in a few minutes, God, I'm going to get out of bed, and from then on, I'm probably going to need a lot more help.
Thank you, in Jesus Name, Amen.
-Author unknown.
A hip young man goes out and buys a 1997 Ferrari GTO. It is the best and most expensive car available in the world, costing about $500,000. He takes it out for a spin, and while stopping for a red light, an old man on a moped (both looking about 90 years old) pulls up next to him.
The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?" The young man replies, "A 1997 Ferrari GTO. They cost about a half million dollars!"
"That's a lot of money," says the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so much?"
"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the cool dude proudly.
The moped driver asks, "Can I take a look inside?"
"Sure," replies the owner. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around.
Leaning back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right!"
Just then the light changes so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 320 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoooossshhh! Something whips by him, going much faster!
"What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?!" the young man asks himself. Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. Whoooooosh! It goes by again, heading the opposite direction! And it almost looked like the old man on the moped!
"Couldn't be," thinks the guy. "How could a moped outrun a Ferrari?!" Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! Whooooosh Ka-BbblaMMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end!
The young man jumps out, and it IS the old man!!! Of course, the moped and the old man are hurting for certain. He runs up to the poor old man and says, "You're badly hurt! Is there anything I can do for you?"
The old man moans and replies, "Yes, Unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror!"
Famous Quips
Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you?
But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window!
-Steve Bluestone
Have you ever noticed.... Anybody going slower than you is an idiot,
and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
-George Carlin