Unknown

sitting thinking.....
why am i shaking, nervous, afraid?
the moments when i felt at home
pass before me
i try to stop them
still them
i try to say the right things,
calm the turbulence.
but my hands will not come away
from my ears
and i cannot hear
the beating of my heart.
the healer within
cannot reach my soul.
what is this?
where is my compassion?
where has my soul gone?
to what extent
have i turned inward
curling in on myself
hiding.
all i see
is the blackness of night.
and yet...
what is nearer my heart
is anger
nothing i can say changes it
understanding does not release it
what the hell is wrong?
i try to remember who i am
but this too
is who i am
this too
is a part.
i don't want anyone to see
i don't want to see
this part.
alone and afraid,
angry...
lashing out with the punishment
that i have inflicted within
lashing out with what
i have always felt
lashing out because i feel
unsure, untried,
unknown.

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another year passes
the world spins
as my life spins
into darkness
and i wonder
will the sun shine again
in my heart
will the wind caress me
in the cool of evening
will the memories
caress me as i sleep
or is this all there is
a moment of sadness
in a life filled with sameness
where only the names change
and love disappears
with the rising of the sun
until
there is no sun
what am i holding out for
that others seem to find so easily
why is my heart never clear
in this search
i am lost
but who can find
what is not clear in me
or see
the elusive i

Diana Aug. 31, 1998