Insight grows dim when surrounded by memories i can never hope to change. Making believe that they are not real doesn't work. All that i am is colored by these memories in some way. From my inability to be present with my children to an overwhelming sense of not feeling right in almost any type of relationship. How anyone can believe this is karmically earned thru past life mistakes i will never understand.

Why do we imagine that we deserve more consideration than God, our Creator? We allow ourselves to change daily, sometimes minutely. Why do we expect that God "has" not, "is" not, and "will" not change. It seems rather restrictive to put God on a pedestal and to keep Him (or Her) there for eternity. It's sounds awfully lonely as well. I know i hate it when i feel boxed in.....I need to stretch in order to grow, I need to try things to see if they work....and I don't wish to keep God in a safety box" for my own comfort anymore.

It was a nice dream though.....a God that would never change, a sure and steady, loving Father whose only desire was for His children to "do their best". It was a nice feeling until i looked at it closely and saw what i always see when i look at something closely..... My desire to manipulate my surroundings to what i find comforting..... My need to count on someone other than myself..... My longing for a place where i belong.....

I'm not saying that i don't believe God is a loving father, dedicated to the well-being of his children..... I am only saying that there seems to be so much more to see, and i miss it when i look with "these" eyes only.