Born: October 13, 1984
Died: April 5, 1985
"Bulldog Heidi". I love this picture.
For those of you who bemoan the fact that
life is not fair...
let me assure you that in no way is life fair.
I was absolutely shattered over Heidi's death.
I stayed so lost for so long.
Some of the things I did were perilously close to "crazed".
I truly could not accept the fact that she was dead.
Stephen King finally saved me.
I needed a break from the unending grief cycle.
I was in constant "search" mode.
Three months after she died,
I wanted my baby back and was still willing to make a deal
with the powers that be for her return.
I read "Pet Semetary",
and after much thought and soul-searching,
no, I didn't want her back like that.
I also had to visualize her as I found her.
I had to bring the look, smell, and touch of her
as I found her to my mind over and over again.
I kept one of her bottles by the kitchen sink for
about a year.
For at least 3 months, I would tuck her in
each night.
Make her bed the next morning.
I truly was not well.
Gods, I hurt.
No, life is not fair,
BUT
it is good.
I'm more or less into the small things in life now.
Butterflies, fairies, trust, love, and family.
Yes, periodically I get "gut kicked".
The first time I had to take care of a baby
at the Hospital who was bound and determined
to die in my hands,
I had an absolute hissy-fit.
My boss had either forgotten or chosen to ignore
that I'm a SIDS parent.
I was a basketcase by the end of the day.
(Kid was in ICU by lunch. I was NOT a happy nurse-person.
And this was 15 years later!)
But I managed...came home and fell to pieces.
I can do it now, though.
The baby didn't die. I didn't shatter.
I survived.
To this day I love both my babies.
Nothing and no one can take that away from me.
I have been through "worst case scenario",
and am still able to take great joy in life
and living.
My daughter, Michelle, told me today,
"Mom, you know you'll be 90 years old and no one will ever take you for 'old'."
You know, what a hell of a compliment.
Grins and hugs all.
Have faith and hang on tight.
You can do it.
Love,
Old Amazon
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You know, folks, I didn't think I could do this,
but I did!
I'm OK...I'm really OK now.