The Classification and Division of Everyone
This article is actually an essay I wrote recently for English class, so technically it's not really 'Stuff I Felt Like Writing', but I felt like posting it just for the hell of it. The basic purpose of the essay dealt with the classification and division of some nondescript topic, so I eventually came up with this little ramble.
09 Apr 98
Having grown up in a small town on a small island located at precisely the center of nowhere, it's easy to find yourself with an exaggerated sense of your homeland's importance. This was never truer than for the race of people found on Cape Breton island, for not only do we believe that our island fits snuggly at the center of the human race, but we are fairly confident that it is also the focal point around which the universe revolves. (Presently, however, no evidence for such a claim exists, although some readings are being taken at the Sydney tar ponds that may one day prove otherwise.)
Applying this ethno- and cosmocentric belief to the world and the universe at large, it is very easy (and convenient) for us to categorize all people, and indeed, all living organisms, into two fairly broad groupings: those who come from Away, and those who do not. These two groupings can be further dissected into more specific categories according to various conditions, geographical and otherwise.
The foreign land of Away is quite familiar to most people, as it entails any place that does not exist within the confines of the Island - it is the region of space which surrounds Cape Breton. Thusly, anyone hailing from any place not found within the Island's boundaries is simply labeled as being 'from Away'. This system of classification can be applied to anything and anyone, and is quite responsible for the ease of which we are able to cover-up all of the UFO landings we have had over the past few decades. When pressed by authorities as to who the little green men were and where they might have been from, a simple "Oh, they were from Away" seems to deter any further investigation into the matter. But I digress, for that is another story altogether.
To further divide the classification of the people residing in Away, one need only to take into account their geographical relationship to the center of the universe (i.e. the Island). For instance, a person hailing from the much-ballyhooed (and incorrectly labeled) 'center of the universe' city of Toronto would simply be considered as having come from Outwest. "Oh, he's from Outwest," people would say when asked of the person. In specific terms, Outwest can be defined as the region of Away located west of the Island. Similarly, persons living in the region of Away located north of the Island are deemed as living in the land of Upnorth, as in "He's from Upnorth". Likewise, people from the south in are said to be from Downsouth. Since there really is no one living in the area directly to the Island's east, there is no term for describing the region, save perhaps the Atlantic Ocean.
One slight variation in this simple formula occurs when the Maritimes are taken into account (that is to say, the three provinces of Canada closest to the aforementioned Island). Generally speaking, these persons are said to be Maritimers, as their close proximity to the Island grants them some amount of special recognition.
After labeling and classifying 99.99999% of the world's population into their respective groupings, the need to classify the remaining ten thousandth of a percent arises. While all people hailing from Cape Breton are known as Capers, or in some circles, Cape Bretoners, further distinctions need to be made according to geographical orientation and heritage. As one would naturally assume, this system of Caper classification is much more complicated and detailed than that of the people from Away, so I will try to keep it in layman's terms for the sake of simplicity.
Much like the seven-tier categorization system found in the division of living organisms, the classification of Cape Bretoners follows a hierarchy developed around three basic headings, which range from the highly generalized to the highly specific. They are, in order of least to most specific: their general location on the Island; their accent or preferred dialect of Caper English, Acadian French, the aboriginal Miq Mac or Scottish Gaelic; and their exact town or village of origin or residence.
A Caper's general location on the Island is based heavily on the region's orientation to the open sea and the lakes found in the Island's interior, the Bras D'Or Lakes. (Despite what some of you may be thinking, the translation is 'arm of gold', and not 'door of brass'.) There are four basic regions into which the Island is divided. First and foremost is the 'Southern End' of the Island, which encompasses anything south of the Sydney supercity. (Population: perhaps 80,000 if you including all of the various surrounding communitites.) The second region can be found to the north of Sydney and east of the Bras D'Or Lakes, along the coast of the Atlantic Ocean. This region of the Island is referred to as the North Shore, for obvious reasons. Next we have the region located to the west of the North Shore, for which there is no name. Lastly we have the region of the Island located next to the Canso Causeway, our link to the outside world. This section of the Island is generally referred to as simply Canso, for lack of a better name.
After dividing the Island into its respective geographical regions, the need to classify according to speech arises. Every region of the Island speaks a different tongue, although we all speak the same language. In the north and center of the Island, Gaelic accents and words abound - in fact, more Gaelic is spoken on Cape Breton than in Scotland and Ireland combined. The southern end of the Island is comprised mainly of Acadian French and [broken] English, while the Island's native reserves teem with the traditions and language of the Miq Mac. The classification according to language is not as clear and refined as it may sound, however, as there tends to be a great deal of overlapping throughout the Island.
Finally we have the most specific category of all - the classification according to town. Each town has its own little nuances, traditions and trivialities that make it unique among towns. (This may be true for towns found in Away, although I have no experiences as such.) This being the case, nearly every town has its own nickname for its residents. For instance, people living in the hamlet of River Bourgeois are known affectionately as River Rats; those found in Louisdale and the Isle Madame area are known as Barracos; and people living in the Highlands are said to be Highlanders. There are many examples of this classification phenomena, ranging from the simple (people from the north of St. Peter's are sometimes said to be from Snob Hill) to the weird (the residents of L'Ardoise are known as Gorfs) to the somewhat sterile (New Waterfordians are from New Waterford).
With these three categories in place, any Cape Bretoner can be defined in specific terms that describe their language, town and location on the Island. For instance, a Gaelic Highlander from the North Shore is a person who is of Scottish heritage, lives in the northern end of the Island in the Smokey Mountains. An Acadian Barraco from the south is a person of French heritage from the Island's southern end, and can be found in Isle Madame It's as simple as that.
So you can see, the division and classification of the human race isn't really as complex as one would expect7. You can forget any of those notions of 'theory X, theory Y' people, or the idea that people should be labeled according to color. So take a cue from the people living at the center of the universe (evidence forthcoming) - people are either from here or Away. It's much easier, and convenient, to remember them that way.
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