Materials required:
Chocolate sprinkles where thou art cast
no calories in thy presence last
Let no fat adhere to me
And as I will so mote it be!
Nestle's Quick where thou art cast
Turn this milk to chocolate, fast.
Let all good things come to me,
and make my milk all chocolatey!
CAST THE CIRCLE (using a tootsie
roll)
CALL THE QUARTERS:
Mousse of the East, Fluffy one!
Great prince of the palace of dessert!
Be present we pray thee, and guard
this circle
from all moochers approaching from the East.
Fondue of the South, Molten one!
Great prince of the palace decadence!
Be present we pray thee, and guard this
circle
from all diets approaching from the South.
Cocoa of the West, Satisfying one!
Great prince of the palace of thirst!
Be present we pray thee, and guard
this circle
from all carob approaching from the West.
Rocky Road of the North, Cold one!
Great prince of the palace of crunchy!
Be present we pray thee, and guard this
circle
from all cheap imitations approaching from
the North.
MAIN RITUAL
HANDMAIDEN (Henceforth
known as the Swiss Miss):
listen to the words of the Mother
of Chocolate, who was of old called: Godiva, Ethel M., Sara Lee, Nestle,
Mrs. See, and by many other names:
HPS: Whenever you have one of those cravings, once in a while and better it be when your checkbook is full, then shall you assemble in a great public place and bring offerings of money to the spirit of Me, who is Queen of all Goodies. In the mall shall you assemble, you who have eaten all your chocolate and are hungry for more. To you I shall bring Good Things for your tongue. And you shall be free from depression. And as a sign that you are truly free, you shall have chocolate smears on your cheeks, and you shall munch, nosh, snack, feast, and make yummy noises all in my presence.
For mine is the ecstasy of phenylalanine, and mine is also the joy on earth, yea, even into high orbit for my law is it melts in your mouth, not in your hands. Keep clean your fingers, carry Wet Ones always, let none stop you aside. For mine is the secret that opens your mouth, and mine is the taste that puts a smile on your lips and comfy padding pounds on your hips. I am the gracious Goddess who gives the gift of joy onto the tummies of men and women. Upon earth, I give knowledge of all things delicious, and beyond death... well, I can't do much there. Sorry about that. I demand only your money in sacrifice, for behold, chocolate is a business, and you have to pay for those truffles before you eat them.
SWISS MISS: Hear now
the words of the Goodie Goddess, she in the
dust of whose feet are the cheap imitations,
whose body graces candy racks and finer stores everywhere:
I, who am the beauty of chocolate chips,
and the satisfying softness of big
bars, the mystery of how they get the filling
inside truffles, and fill the
hearts of all but Philistines with desire,
call unto thy soul to arise and come
unto me. For I am the soul of candy, from
me do all confections spring,
and unto me all of you shall return, again....
and again... and again.... and again. Before my smeared
face, beloved of women and men, thine
innermost divine self shall be enfolded in the rapture of overdose. Let
my
taste be within thy mouth that rejoices.
For behold, all acts of yumminess and pleasure are my rituals.
Therefore let there be gooeyness and mess,
crispness and crackling,
big slabs and bite size pieces, peanut butter
and chocolate covered
cherries all within you. And you who think
to seek me, know that your
seeking and yearning shall avail you not
unless you know the Mystery:
"We shall sell no chocolate until you pay
for it" For behold: I have
been with you since you were just a baby,
and I am that which is
attained at nearly any shop in the land.
Messed be.
SWISS MISS: Hear now
the words of the Chocolate God, who was called
Ghirardelli, Milton Snavely Hershey, Bosco,
Fudgesicle, and by many other names.
HP: I am the strength
of the candy rack, and the piece that fell on the
floor but looks like it may not have gotten
too dirty, and the deepest bitterness of dark chocolate. No matter how
you try to resist the call of chocolate, I will hunt you out, and I will
become your sacred prey. I am warmth of hot cocoa in the dead of winter,
and the call of the road that leads you to that really expensive Godiva
store downtown. I give you my creatures, the fire of love of chocolate,
the power of jaw strength to bite off a piece of that frozen Milky Way
bar and the shelter of Haagen Dazs when that big date didn't work out.
You are dear to me, and I instill in you my power of a piece of chocolate
that you had forgotten you had hidden, and the power of vision and magikal
sight with which you can spot a candy counter a mile away.
By the powers of the half melted bar in the
glorious sun, I charge you, by
the darkest depths of the bottom of the
cocoa pot and lingering smell of
bittersweet chocolate, I charge you, and
by the beauty of a perfectly swirled
vanilla butter cream, I charge you. Follow
your heart and your instinct, wherever
they lead you. The wealth in your pocket can buy you treats that a Mayan
king would envy. Take joy in that first bite of lecithin emulsified
cocoa, and in the last satisfying slurp
of Yoo-Hoo. Yet you must be wary
of deceit. Eat not of that which is called
"baking chocolate", for it is vile and bitter.
Lastly, always remember to leave some chocolate
behind you. Be not greedy, but let yourself be known as a connoisseur.
Leave a little for someone else. I am with you always, just over your shoulder,
or around the next corner.
I am the Lord of Chocolate, and when you
have reached the end of you hoard, I will never be further away from you
than that 7 Eleven on the corner.
I am the spirit of the wild child, the inner
child who can never get quite enough. If you are a true chocolate lover,
then your soul and mine are intertwined.
HP: Be it known that milk chocolate is not better than dark chocolate
HPS: Nor is dark chocolate better than milk chocolate
HP: For both are better than the falsely named "white chocolate"
HPS: And neither one is carob
HP: As the frosting is to the cupcake
HPS: So the creamy nougat is to the Milky Way bar
BOTH: And when they
are eaten, they are yummy in truth, for there is
no greater snack in all the world than one
made of chocolate.
HP: Frosting is keen
HPS: And frosting is neat
BOTH: Great Goddess! Let's eat!
(Feasting and Drinking)
HPS: Oh, ye mighty goodies
of the Realm, we thank you for attending our rites and guarding our circle,
and ere you depart for your sweet and sticky realms, we say unto you, "N-E-S-T-L-E-S,
makes the very best"
ALL: "Choooooooc-laaaaate"
(After all quarters have been dismissed,
give a final satisfying belch at the east)
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