There are a lot of folks that can't understand how we ran out of oil here in the USA.
Well, here's the answer:
It's simple.........nobody bothered to check the oil.
Didn't know we were getting low. And of course the reason for that is geographical.
Most of the oil is in Texas and Oklahoma, and all the dipsticks are in Washington, D.C.
Why do little boys whine?
Because they are practicing to be men.
***
Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be Hell.
Life is just a phase you're going through...you'll get over it.
***
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he'll be a mile away - and barefoot.
***
My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
***
Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
***
Older women say going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
***
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
***
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
***
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
***
Always yield to temptation, because it may not pass your way again.
***
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
***
Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
***
Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
***
No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
***
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
***
Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
***
Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it.
***
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.
***
Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
***
By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world. I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I'm in the bathroom.
***
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
***
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
***
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? ONE - He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
***
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women? Exchange him.
***
Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating? To stop the snoring before it starts.
***
A teacher asked one of her pupils, "Can you name our nation's capital?" The reply was, "Washington DC"
When asked what the "DC" stood for, the pupil added, "Dot com!"
***
The last fight was my fault:
My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!"
***
In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested.
Then God created woman.
Since then, neither God nor man has rested.
***
My wife and I are inseparable.
In fact, last week it took four state troopers and a dog.
***
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
***
A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, "I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."
***
Do you know the punishment for bigamy?
Two Mothers-in-law.
***
Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, son.
***
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
***
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
***
First guy proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
***
How do most men define marriage?
An expensive way to get laundry done for free.
***
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
***
If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
***
Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."
***
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
***
The bumper sticker read: "I lost 250 pounds in one day. I divorced her."
***
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.
***
I always wanted to be a procrastinator, but never got around to it.
***
My friend has kleptomania, but when it gets bad, He takes something for it.
***
One of life's mysteries -
How can a two pound box of candy make a person gain five pounds.
***
Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.
***
***
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life
***
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met
***
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
***
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm
***
When everything is coming your way, you're probably in the wrong lane
***
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film
***
I intend to live forever - so far, so good
***
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
***
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
***
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it
***
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism
***
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of car payments
***
If you think nobody is listening, try making a mistake
***
clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory
***
I'm planning to be spontaneous starting tomorrow
***
It's best to borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back
***
I'm not aging, I just need re-potting.
***
I don't repeat gossip, so listen carefully.
***
Lord, if I can't be skinny, let all my friends be fat.
***
My idea of cleaning the house is sweeping the floor with a glance.
***
I cleaned my house yesterday,
sure wish you could have seen it.
***
This isn't clutter, these are my antiques!
***
If it's true we are what we eat,
I am either fast, cheap, or easy.
***
Discover Wildlife! Have Kids!
***
Been there, done that, can't remember!
***
Our policy is to always blame the computer.
***
Your secrets are safe with me and all my friends.
***
Take my advice, I'm not using it!
***
Okay! I love you! Now can we eat?
***
You know you're getting old when you stop to think and forget to start again.
***
Mom, I'll always love you, but I'll never forgive you for cleaning my face with spit on a hanky
***
I love to give homemade gifts ...
umm, which one of the kids would you like?
***
I have a million dollar figure --. but it's all loose change!
***
By the time you find greener pastures, you can't climb the fence!
***
This house is protected by killer dust bunnies.
***
Every time I get the urge to exercise, I lie down till the feeling passes.
********************
An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings which were on display at that time. "I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."
"That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"
"The guy was your doctor."
********************
Betty Jo passed away right sudden like, and Bubba, he called 911. The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away. "Where do you live?" asked the operator. Bubba replied, "Down 'ere at the end o' Eucalyptus Drive." The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?" There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, "How 'bout if I drag her on over to Oak Street and you pick her up there.
********************
Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud.
Finally, his big sister had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church."
"Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked. Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the
door? They're hushers."
********************
A tourist traveling down a country road in the deep south passes a young boy walking down the road with only one shoe on.
The tourist stops the car and asks the boy, "You lose a shoe?"
"Nope," the boy replies, "just found one."
********************
One day a man spotted a lamp by the roadside. He picked it up, rubbed it vigorously, and a genie appeared.
"I'll grant you your fondest wish," the genie said.
The man thought for a moment, then said, "I want a spectacular job -- a job that no man has ever succeeded at or has ever attempted to do."
"Poof!" said the genie. "You're a housewife."
********************
A little boy opened the big and old family Bible and when opening the pages turned them. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages. "Momma, look what I found," the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked. With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered: "I think it's Adam's underwear!"
********************
"You seem to be recovering," the doctor said. "These x-rays show some damage to the bone, but I wouldn't worry about it."
"Believe me," the patient said, "if your bone were damaged, I wouldn't worry about it either."
********************
One lawyer said to another, "Boy, that judge makes me so mad! I really felt like telling her off again."
"What do you mean again?" his friend asked.
"I felt like it yesterday, too."
********************
Two men were stopped by a TV newswoman doing street interviews about the upcoming presidential primary election. "I'm not voting for any of the candidates," the first man said. "I don't know any of them."
"I feel the same way," the second man said. "Only I know them
all."
********************
There were 11 people hanging onto a rope that came down from a helicopter.
Ten were men and one woman. They all decided that one person should get off
because if they didn't the rope would break and everyone would die. No one
could decide who should go so finally the Woman gave a really touching speech saying how she would give up her life to save the others, because women were used to giving up things for their husbands and children and giving in to men. All of the men started clapping.
********************
A mama mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole all live in a little mole hole. One day the papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says, "Yum! I smell maple syrup!" The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says, "Yum! I smell honey!" The baby mole tries to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but can't because the bigger moles are in the way. So he says, "Geez, all I can smell is molasses."
********************
A couple of guys in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the men walked in the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos." The clerk said, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?" The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck. He returned a minute later and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-fours."
"Alright. How long do you need them?"
The customer paused for a minute and said, "I'd better go check." After a while, the customer returned to the office and said, "A long time. We're gonna build a house."
********************
If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back, it will always be yours. If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with.
But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn't appear to realize that you set it free.....
You either married it or gave birth to it.....
~Visit Troy and Tish's Webpage
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********************
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
********************
Three nuns were talking. The first nun said, "I was cleaning the father's room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines!" "What did you do?" the other nuns asked. "Well, of course I threw them all in the trash." The second nun said, "Well, I can top that. I was in the father's room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms." "Oh my," gasped the other nuns. "What did you do?" they asked. "I poked holes in all of them," she replied. The third nun said, "Oh shit."
********************
When the wealthy businessman choked on a fish bone at a restaurant, he was fortunate that a doctor was seated at a nearby table.
Springing up, the doctor skillfully removed the bone and saved his life.
As soon as the fellow had calmed himself and could talk again, he thanked the surgeon enthusiastically and offered to pay him for his services.
"Just name the fee," he croaked gratefully.
"Okay," replied the doctor. "How about half of what you'd have offered when the bone was still stuck in your throat?"
*********************
An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall.
A young man walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair all different colors - green, red, orange, blue, and yellow.
The old man just stared. The young man said, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"
The old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son."
********************
My boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and bought a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss". He then taped it to his office door.
Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said. "Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"
********************
********************
The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks: "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks: "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks: "Do you want fries with that?"
********************
A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?"
"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."
********************
The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks: "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks: "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks: "Do you want fries with that?"
********************
A father was reading Bible stories
to his young son.
He read, "The man named Lot was
warned to take his
wife and flee out of the city, but
his wife looked
back and was turned to salt." His
son asked, "What
happened to the flea?"
********************
A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, "Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die, you will have my remains cremated." "And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with your ashes?" The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope & mail them to the Taxation Dept. Write on the envelope, "Now, you have everything.
********************
One day a man spotted a lamp by the roadside. He picked it up, rubbed it vigorously, and a genie appeared.
"I'll grant you your fondest wish," the genie said.
The man thought for a moment, then said, "I want a spectacular job -- a job that no man has ever succeeded at or has ever attempted to do."
"Poof!" said the genie. "You're a housewife."
********************
A man got a call from his doctor who said "I have some bad news and some terrible news, which would you rather hear first?" The man says "The bad news."
The doctor says "The lab messed up your tests and when they re-did them, they found out you only have 48 hours to live!" The man exclaimed "What could be more terrible than that!!??" The doctor replied "we tried all day yesterday to get hold of you but your phone was busy!"
********************
An acquaintance of mine who is a physician told this story about her then-four-year-old daughter. On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it. Be still, my heart, thought my friend, my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps! Then the child spoke into the instrument: "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?"
********************
A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter." Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown." The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?" She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."
********************
A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?" Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough." The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"
********************
Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50."
The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100." The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon... and it takes eight people to collect all the money!"
*********************
The teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just pitches a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that!!!! The teenager tells her "Loosen up" Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rosebuds show!" and out she goes.
The next day the teenager comes downstairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate. The grandmother says, "Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rosebuds, then I can display my hanging baskets."
Funnier than Fiction
An absolutely true story:
One day a friend of mine's kid brought home a "letter to parents" from school explaining that all the students had been shown a movie at school that day explaining in general terms the "facts of life" and instructing parents to be sure to ask their children if they had any questions about the material they had been shown. Dutifully my friend sat his reluctant son down and asked him the following questions: "Did you see a movie at school today?"
"Yes"
"Do you have any questions about it?"
"No"
"Could you tell me what you think about the movie?" "Well, all I'm going to say is: I sure am glad I'm adopted!"
********************
A boy had reached four without giving up the habit of sucking his thumb, though his mother had tried everything from bribery to reasoning to painting it with lemon juice to discourage the habit. Finally she tried threats, warning her son that, "If you don't stop sucking your thumb, your stomach is going to blow up like a balloon." Later that day, walking in the park, mother and son saw a pregnant woman sitting on a bench. The four-year-old considered her gravely for a minute, then spoke to her saying, "Uh-oh ... I know what you've been doing."
********************
A mother was teaching her 3-year-old the Lord's prayer. For several evenings at bedtime she repeated it after her mother. One night she said she was ready to solo. The mother listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer. "Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us some e-mail, Amen."
********************
A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."
********************
A man complained to his coworker that he didn't know what to get his wife for her birthday.
"She already has everything you could think of, and she can buy herself whatever she likes."
"Here's an idea," said the colleague. "Make up your own gift certificate that says, 'Thirty minutes of great loving, any way you want it.' I guarantee she'll be enchanted."
The next day, Arnold's colleague asked, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?"
"Yes," said Arnold.
"Did she like it?"
"Oh, yes! She jumped up kissed me on the forehead, and ran out of the door yelling, 'See you in 30 minutes!'"
********************
One night, a torrential rain soaked South Louisiana; the next morning the resulting floodwaters came up about 6 feet into most of the homes there.
Mrs. Boudreaux was sitting on her roof with her neighbor, Mrs. Thibodaux, waiting for help to come.
Mrs. Thibodaux noticed a lone baseball cap floating near the house. Then she saw it float far out into the front yard, then float all the way back to the house; it kept floating away from the house, then back in. Her curiosity got the best of her, so she asked Mrs. Boudreaux, "Do you see that baseball cap floating away from the house, then back again?" Mrs. Boudreaux said, "Oh yes, that's my husband; I told him he was going to cut the grass today come Hell or high water!"
********************
A teenager had just received his brand new driver's license. The family goes out to the driveway and climbs in the car, where he is going to take them for a ride for the first time. Dad immediately heads for the back seat, directly behind the new driver.
"I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," says the beaming boy to his dad.
"Nope," comes dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me all these years!"
********************
A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on their way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."
********************
A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, looking at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out of the Bible and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that has been pressed in between the pages. "Momma, look what I found," the boy called out. What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked. With astonishment in the young boy's voice he answered, "It's Adam's suit!!"
********************
The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mic, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mic cord as he went. Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly triipping before jerking it again. After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered,"If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"
******************
Six-year old Angie and her four-year old brother Joel were sitting together in church Joel giggled, sang and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church." "Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked. Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers.
********************
My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo while I asked, "No, how are we alike?" "You're both old," he replied.
********************
A ten-year old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming quite knowledgeable about the Bible. Then one day she floored her grandmother by asking, "Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus? The Virgin Mary or the King James Virgin?"
********************
A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbor's wife."
********************
On teaching my daughter the Lord's Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime, she would repeat after me the lines from the prayer. Finally, she decided to go solo. I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer: "Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us some E-mail. Amen."
********************
A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the aisle, he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd. While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar. So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR, all the way down the aisle. As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit. The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and was also near tears by the time he reached the pulpit. When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring Bear."
*******************
One Sunday in a Midwest city, a young child was "acting up" during the morning worship hour. The parents did their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew but were losing the battle. Finally, the father picked the little fellow up and walked sternly up the aisle on his way out. Just before reaching the safety of the foyer, the little one called loudly to the congregation,"Pray for me! Pray for me!"
******************
And one particular four-year old prayed,"And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."
*******************
One student's prayer: "Now I lay me down to rest, And hope to pass tomorrow's test. And If I should die before I wake, That's one less test I have to take."
********************
A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am."
********************
I saw this 1997 Cadillac advertised privately for $50, so I bought it without question and the lady seller gave me title and a receipt. Then I said, "Lady, I can't steal this car from you. It has a retail of around $35,000."
"I know" she said. "It's loaded and my late husband paid $39,000 for it just before he died. But in his will he left instructions that it was to be sold, and the proceeds given to his mistress. I can't wait to see her face when I give her the $50."
********************
A minister who was very fond of pure, hot horseradish always had a bottle of
it on his dining room table. He offered some to a guest, who took a big bite. When the guest finally was able to speak, he said reproachfully: "I've heard many preach hellfire, but you are the first one I've met who passed out samples of it."
********************
***
It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.
***
We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
***
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
***
It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.
***
Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.
***
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat drinking beer all day.
***
Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.
***
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
***
The only cure for insomnia is to get more sleep. Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
***
I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
***
When you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
***
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.
********************
A college physics professor was explaining a particularly complicated concept to his class when a pre-med student interrupted him. "Why do we have to learn this stuff?" The young an blurted out. "To save lives," the professor responded before continuing the lecture. A few minutes later the student spoke up again. "So how does physics save lives?"
The professor stared at the student for a long time. "Physics saves lives," he said, "because it keeps the idiots out of medical school."
*********************
SCHOOL TIMES
A college chemistry professor could not help but notice that one of his students was late to class for the third time that week. Before class ended he went around the room asking students some questions about the day's lecture. Of course, he made sure to pick on his tardy pupil. "And who was it that discovered uranium?" the professor asked. "I don't know," the student said.
"Perhaps if you came to class on time, Mr. Winters, you would know," said the professor.
"That's not true," the student replied. "I never pay attention!"
********************
One day during cooking class, the teacher, Mrs. Pritchard, was extolling her secrets for preparing perfect sauces. When she ordered us to the stoves to prepare our assignments, she said, "Don't forget to use wooden spoons."
As I stirred my sauce, I contemplated the physics behind the mystery of the wooden spoon and decided it must have something to do with heat conduction. I approached Mrs. Pritchard to test my theory. "Why wooden spoons?" I asked.
"Because," she replied, "if I have to sit here listening to all your metal spoons banging against metal pots, I'll go nuts."
********************
Here is an explanation of the school homework policy: Students should not spend more than 90 minutes per night. This time should be budgeted in the following manner: 15 minutes looking for assignment
11 minutes calling a friend for the assignment 23 minutes explaining why the teacher is mean and just does not like children 8 minutes in the bathroom
10 minutes getting a snack
7 minutes checking the TV Guide
6 minutes telling parents that the teacher never explained the assignment 10 minutes sitting at the kitchen table waiting for Mom or Dad to do the assignment
********************
These are given the night before they are due. This explains the name "long term." It is a long term commitment to time that begins at 9:30 PM and ends at 11:50 PM -- or later. It is important that the whole family is involved in the project. It is imperative that at least one family member races to Wal*Mart/K-Mart for poster board, and that at least one family member ends up in tears (it does not have to be the student). One parent needs to stay up and complete the project. The other parent needs to call the school and leave a message that the student is out sick.
It is not necessary to have the student's name on the assignment.
********************
A 7-year old child was drawing a picture of the Nativity. The picture was
very good, including Mary, Joseph and, of course, baby Jesus. However, there
was a fat man standing in the corner of the stable, that just did not seem
to fit in. When the child was asked about it, she replied, "Oh, That's Round
John Virgin."
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A man came home from work unexpectedly and walked into his bedroom to find his wife in bed with another man.
"Honey! What are you doing!" the shocked husband shouted. The wife turned to her lover and said: "You see? Didn't I tell you he was stupid?"
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A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband's best friend. They make love for hours, and afterwards, while they're just laying there, the phone rings.
Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation...
(She is speaking in a cheery voice)
"Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called. Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye." She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?" "Oh," she replies, "that was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."
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A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair eating a snack cake, while her dad gets his hair cut. The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie." She says, "I know. I'm gonna get boobs too."
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The phone rang in the obituary department of the local newspaper. "How much does it cost to have an obituary printed"? asked a woman. "It's five dollars a word, ma'am," the clerk replied politely. "Fine," said the woman after a moment. "Got a pencil?" "Yes ma'am."
"Got some paper?"
"Yes ma'am."
"Okay, write this down: 'Cohen dead'."
"That's all?" asked the clerk disbelievingly. "That's it."
"I'm sorry ma'am, I should have told you - there's a five word minimum." "Yes, you should've," snapped the woman. Now let me think a minute... okay, got
a pencil?"
"Yes ma'am."
"Got some paper?"
"Yes, ma'am."
Okay, here goes: 'Cohen dead. Cadillac for Sale."
********************
A wife asks her husband, "Honey, if I died, would you remarry?"
After a considerable period of grieving, I guess I would. We all need companionship."
"If I died and you remarried," the wife asks, "would she live in this house?"
"We've spent a lot of money getting this house just the way we want it. I'm not going to get rid of my house. I guess she would."
"If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house," the wife asks, "would she sleep in our bed?"
"Well, the bed is brand new, and it cost us $2,000. It's going to last a long time, so I guess she would."
"If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house and slept in our bed, would she use my golf clubs?"
"Oh, no," the husband replies. "She's left-handed."
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A forty-year-old hillbilly carried a younger hillbilly into the doctor's office, deposited him on the examining table, and said, "See if you can patch him up. I shot up his rear end like it was a tail on a possum. Don't hurt him none, cuz he's my son-in-law." The doctor said, "Why would you shoot your son-in-law?" The hillbilly said, "He warn't my son-in-law when I shot him!
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If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back, It will always be yours.
If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with.
But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food,
uses your telephone, takes your money,
and doesn't appear to realize that you had set it free... You either married it or gave birth to it.
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I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.
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I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: Many deer were being hit by cars and he no longer wanted them to cross there.
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My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the individual behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.
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I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" I said, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled and nodded knowingly, "That's why we ask." Sighting
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The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine, when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals to blind people when the light is red. She responded, appalled, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?"
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At a good-bye lunch for an old and dear coworker who is leaving the company due to "downsizing," our manager spoke up and said, "this is fun. We should have lunch like this more often." Not another word was spoken. We just looked at each other like deer staring into the headlights of an approaching truck.
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I worked with an Individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her could not understand why her system would not turn on.
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When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told that the keys had been accidentally locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger's side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered it was open. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "It's open!" "I know," answered the young man.- "I already got that side."
********************
The lazy meter maid was called into her supervisor's office. "Rita," her supervisor began, "I've been getting a lot of complaints from the mayor's office about your work."
The meter maid replied, "I don't know what the problem is. I gave out forty tickets yesterday."
"Yes, but they were all at a drive-in."
********************
The boxer had insomnia for months. The week before a big fight his manager told him he should see a famous sports psychiatrist. The boxer reluctantly made an appointment with doctor Von Voorhies.
"Can't sleep, eh?" said the psychiatrist. "Have you tried counting sheep?"
"I tried that, doc," replied the fighter, "but every time I get up to nine, I jump up!"
********************
It was a bitterly contested divorce hearing, and after three weeks of bitter acrimony, the judge was ready to hand down his decision.
The judge said, "Mr. Johnson, after hearing both sides of the case, we find that you are at fault, and therefore the court will give your wife alimony at six hundred dollars a month."
Johnson replied, "Thanks, your Honor. And to show I'm not such a bad guy, I'll throw in a hundred myself."
********************
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town. He's going through his usual stupid Redneck jokes, when a big burly guy in the audience stands up and says "I've heard just about enough of your smart mouth hillbilly jokes; we ain't all stupid around here."
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the big guy pipes up," You stay out of this mister, I'm talking to the smart mouth little fella on your knee!"
********************
A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!"
As she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again.
As she ran she once again began to pray, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!...But don't shove me either..."
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During the heat of the space race in the 1960s, the US National Aeronautics and Space Administration decided it needed a ball point pen to write in the zero gravity in the space capsules. After considerable research and development, the Astronaut Pen was developed at a cost to the government of about $1 million. The pen worked and also enjoyed some modest success as a novelty item back here on earth.
The Soviet Union, faced with the same problem, used a pencil.
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The Secret Service got a real scare the other day when someone threw a beer at Bill Clinton during his morning jog. Fortunately, it was a draft, so he was able to dodge it.
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My first rule of thumb: keep it away from the hammer.
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We spend the first three years teaching our children to walk and talk,and the next 15 telling them to shut up and sit down. What is our problem?
********************
What is the correct answer to, "Are you asleep?"
********************
When you go through Canadian customs, officials ask you if you have any guns. When you return to the USA, customs officials ask you if you have any fruit or vegetables.
********************
A man approached a very beautiful woman in a large super market and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?" "Why?" she asked. "Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere."
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A teenage boy and his grandfather go fishing one day. While fishing, the old man starts talking about how times have changed. The young man picks up on this and starts talking about the various problems and diseases going around.
The teen says, "Grandpa, they didn't have a whole lot of problems with all these diseases when you were young did they?"
Grandpa replies, "Nope."
The teen says, "Well, what did you guys use for safe sex?"
Grandpa replies, "A wedding ring."
********************
A medical student doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center,told this: A woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down, and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her she better bring her daughter into the Emergency room right away.
*********************
Seems that a year ago, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. When they took it for a float on the river, they were surprised by a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator that is activated when the raft is inflated. They are no longer employed there.
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A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and mentioned that there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the phone and told the guy that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested.
********************
Drug Possession Defendant Christopher Janise, on trial in March in Pontiac, Michigan, said he had been searched without a warrant. The prosecutor SAID the officer didn't need a warrant because a "bulge"in Christopher's jacket have been a gun. Nonsense, said Christopher, who happened to be wearing the same jacket that day in court. He handed it over so the judge could see it. The judge discovered a packet of cocaine in the pocket and laughed so hard he required a five minute recess to compose himself.
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Oklahoma City: Dennis Newton was on trial for the armed robbery of a convenience store in a district court when he fired his lawyer. Assistant district attorney Larry Jones said Newton, 47, was doing a fair job of defending himself until the store manager testified that Newton was the robber. Newton jumped up, accused the woman of lying and then said, "I should have blown your (expletive) head off." The defendant paused, then quickly added, "if I'd been the one that was there." The jury took 20 minutes to convict Newton and recommended a 30 year sentence.
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R.C. Gaitlan, 21, walked up to two patrol officers who were showing their squad car computer equipment to children in a Detroit neighborhood. When he asked how the system worked, the officer asked him for Identification. Gaitlan gave them his drivers license, they entered it into the computer, and moments later they arrested Gaitlan because information on the screen showed Gaitlan was wanted for a two year old armed robbery in St. Louis, Missouri.
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A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but he refused and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him. At this point the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.
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A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.
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Tennessee: A man successfully broke into a bank after hours and stole the bank's video camera, while the camera was remotely recording. (That is, the videotape recorder was located elsewhere in the bank, so he didn't get the videotape of himself stealing the camera).
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Louisiana: A man walked into a Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars.
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Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that
he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him uncon- scious. Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.
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New York: As a female shopper exited a convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police had apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes Officer..that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."
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Ann Arbor:The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 12:50 am, flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.
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Kentucky: Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine...with their bumper still attached to the chain...with their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper.
THE MEMORY CLINIC
Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?"
"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques: visualization, association, etc. It was great."
"That's great! And what was the name of the clinic?"
Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?"
"You mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's it!"
He turned to his wife, "Rose, what was the name of that memory clinic?"
JESUS IS WATCHING YOU.........
The burglar was creeping noiselessly through the darkened home, filling his bag with various valuables. As he reached his hand out to a box of jewelry, he heard a voice say, "Jesus is watching you." Shaken, the burglar stopped. For a full minute he didn't dare breathe. Finally, he switched on his flashlight and carefully played it around the room, but saw nothing.
Convinced that it must have been his imagination, he turned off the flashlight and continued in his quest for another man's wealth. He was busily unhooking a stereo set when he again heard, "Jesus is watching you." This time he nearly jumped out of his skin, he was so freaked out. Beads of sweat popped out on his face, and as he switched the light on again, the beam shook violently from his terror. He looked about the room, and noticed a bird cage in the corner. Upon closer inspection, he discovered a parrot in the cage. "Are you the one that spoke to me just now?" asked the burglar. "Yes, I am," said the parrot. "Why did you say 'Jesus is watching you'?" asked the man. "Because I felt like you needed to be warned," replied the parrot. By this time, the man was over his fright and was more than a little irritated at this smart-mouthed parrot that had tried to scare the living daylights out of him. "What's your name?" asked the burglar. "Moses," the parrot said. "Ha," the man guffawed. "What kind of people would name their parrot Moses?"
The parrot exclaimed, "The same kind of people that would name their Rottweiler Jesus."
*****
There's this guy in a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half-an-hour.
Then, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says: "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man crying." "No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police, they say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison...."
And God created woman and she had 3 breasts. He then asked the woman, "Is there anything you'd like to have changed? "She replied, "Yes, you
could get rid of this middle breast?" And so it was done, and it was good. The the woman exclaimed as she was holding that third breast in her hand, "What can be done with this useless boob?" And God created man
A couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the husband sarcastically asked, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "In-laws."
****
This is very serious people, take heed! Subject: Homicide case update WARNING THIS IS TRUE... TELL EVERYONE!
A local man was found murdered in his home over the weekend. Detectives at the scene found the man face down in his bathtub. The tub had been filled with milk and corn flakes, and the deceased had a banana protruding from his buttocks.
Police suspect a cereal killer.
****
The cruise ship magician has been doing his routines every night for two years now. The audiences appreciate him, and they change over often enough that he doesn?t have to worry too much about new tricks. However, there is a parrot who sits in the back row and watches him night after night. Finally the parrot figures out how the tricks are done and starts giving it away for the audience. When the magician makes a bouquet of flowers disappear, the parrot squawks, "Behind his back! It?s behind his back!" This infuriates the magician, but he can't just kill the parrot because it belongs to the captain.
One day, the ship springs a leak and sinks. The magician manages to swim to a plank of wood floating by and grabs on. Low and behold, the parrot is sitting on the other end. They just stare at each other as they drift and drift. They drift for three days and still don?t speak. On the morning of the fourth day, the parrot looks over at the magician and says: "OK, I give up. Where did you hide the ship?"
*****