Fanfiction by Irwin Kwan

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By Irwin Kwan, dem-admin@home.com
Deus ex Machina: The Xenogears Tale http://members.tripod~project_xat/

"The Questions Asked"

Ask your Questions to Find your Answer
Answers found by Experience

Experience the Path Through Life
Does the Path Through Life just ask More Questions?

Answers for your Questions Asked
Are they always Understood?

But must you need to Understand
The Answers to your Questions Asked?

The Yggdrasil Gun Room.

Why was it called "Gun Room"? Only one gun was on the wall. All the other people did was drink, Emeralda thought to herself. They would drink, or eat.

She didn't have to do any of these things. Occasionally, she would eat, but that was because everyone seemed to get worried if she didn't. Once, she had a drink when Bart insisted that she take a sip of his ale.

But besides that, she didn't eat or drink like the others did.

She was different from the other girls. Different from Elly, from Margie, and from Maria. She was not like them. She never grew. She never aged at all. Her emerald hair never became longer. If it was cut, it would regenerate back to how it was before. She always had tanned skin and brown eyes.

She didn't change.

Today, she sat apart from the others. She was on one of the tall stools in front of the bar, by herself. All of the others were around the table, eating dinner. There was Sigurd and Bart, Fei and Elly, Citan, Margie, Rico, Billy, and Jesse. She knew them all, but she couldn't relate to any of them very well, except for Fei. Fei reminded her of Kim. He looked like Kim, and he thought like Kim. Yet, he was not Kim. He was Fei. Kim was special, but he was different from her, too.

Zeboim was a grand city with glass buildings, and many people. Emeralda looked around her, totaly awestruck by the grand sights.

"Cool, Kim!" she gargled.

"Yes, Emmy, isn't it a nice place?" Kim motioned toward the Christmas tree. "But yet, the humans here aren't always as nice as the buildings."

"Man... not bad," Emeralda replied. "You, Kim! Kim good!"

Kim simply smiled and shook his head. He resisted the temptation to vent out his elegy on how humans were the most vicious, the most evil race on earth. Emeralda was only a young child. She didn't need to hear his comments. Not yet, anyhow.

She was the hope for mankind. An example of what man should be. She even tolerated everything. "Not all men are good, but we try," Kim lied. "I try, Emmy. I try really hard to love. I hope you try too. Rise above all the other humans. Don't reduce yourself to destruction like the others do." Kim realised what he was saying, and then bit his lip to prevent from speaking further.

But Emeralda heard the words, and they stuck with her, even when she was sleeping in the glass tube, over a span of four-thousand long years.

Rise above all the other humans. She was different from the rest. Even Kim said so.

"Is there something I can do for you, Miss Emeralda?" someone asked. She nearly jumped off of her stool in her surprise. By the dignified accent, she guessed it was the old man. She tried to recall his name, but it eluded her.

"No, I fine," Emeralda replied.

"You don't look quite all right, Miss Emeralda," the old man replied. He removed his monocle and wiped it with a cloth. "Anything to eat or drink?"

Emeralda shook her head. "I no need food or drink," she replied. "You, what is your name? I no remember."

"I'm Maison," the aged man replied. "The others call me Old Maison. I won't mind if you call me that." Maison reached behind the bar and began to clean glasses.

"Maison. Humans. They need eat, and need sleep, and need drink to survive. But me, I no need any of these things." She looked down at her feet, and then played with her thick emerald hair. "I think like they do and act like they do. But am I human?"

Old Maison looked up. "Why, Miss Emeralda, I never thought that you'd ever question that," he said. "You look human and act human. Everyone on this ship accepts you as who you are." He smiled and leaned over the bar. In the background, he could hear the light chime of silverware against ceramic plates, and the gentle hum of dinner conversation. Between the voices, he could hear the Young Master arguing something with Sigurd. He smiled back at Emeralda. "But it's funny. The first person to question... is always the self.

"Emeralda, what do you think is the meaning of being human?"

Emeralda stopped playing with her hair, then adjusted the scarf around her neck that never seemed to reveal her mouth. "Being human is having flesh, and blood, and eating and sleeping. It's like you. You flesh and blood. You think and have heartbeat and..."

"Hold on, Emeralda," Maison interrupted. "What is it you said humans had?"

"Heartbeat?"

"Before that."

"Flesh and blood?"

"After."

Emeralda had to stop and think, but then her eyes brightened up. "Think."

Maison nodded. "Do you think that having flesh and blood... is that more important than being able to think like a human?"

Emeralda did not reply; instead, she looked up at him with a dumbfounded expression on her face.

"Human beings think. We think about ourselves, about each other, and about the world around us. Right? Now, do animals think like humans do? Do they question the world? Do they talk, and try to find answers, and try to find out why they live?"

Emeralda's mind went to the dog in the Engine Room. The dog didn't talk. It just seemed to accept where it was, without any question. The other animals she saw, like the crewman's cat, loved to snuggle up in her lap. But she didn't ask questions. "I don't think so, Maison," Emeralda replied hesitantly.

"Okay. Emeralda, do you ask questions?"

"Everyone asks questions. I say ‘Do you want a drink?' just like you. That is asking question. The cat can look at you and scratch the door. She wants go out and is asking you to open the door."

"But, do they ask questions such as ‘Why are other human beings doing this to each other?' ‘Why do I want to do this?' ‘What is the meaning of that?' In other words, do they question their existence? Does Alhan's cat wonder why it lives?"

"No."

"How about you?"

"Kim, why do humans live on this planet?" Emeralda asked. She looked up at the Christmas tree in the centre of the open-air mall. "All they do is fight and hurt each other."

Kim took a deep breath. It had been half a year since he created Emeralda. The life expectancy had not gotten better; in fact, it only became worse. More genetic testing was being done. More methods to create the superior soldier were being devised. Before long, he knew that they would come for her.

"Well, Emmy," Kim replied, "I can't answer that question."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm not the one who created humans."

"What about me, then? You're my father. You created me, right?"

Kim opened his mouth, but then he shut it again. "Well, yes." It was a shame. She didn't know yet that she was a colony of nanomachines. He dreaded the day that he had to tell her.

"So why don't you tell me, why did you create me?"

"Because you're the Hope for Mankind's Salvation," Kim replied, as he always did.

"How?"

Kim knelt in front of her. "Because you're kind, and nice, and not full of hatred, like the other humans. You're special. I love you."

Emeralda smiled. "I just have one more question, Kim. Why aren't I like the other kids? I don't grow up. I don't have my hair growing long. I'm special, right? But does that mean I'm also different?"

She nodded. "Yes, I wonder why I live. Hey, I asking you right now, right?"

Maison nodded.

"But does that mean I am human? Just because I can ask questions? I have no answers! That no good for me. What about the body? My body is only nanomachines. You have flesh and blood. You different. Kim different. And I different from all of you."

Maison lifted an eyebrow. "I can't give you the answers. Do you think the body is important, Emeralda? Important when it comes down to being human? In other words, Chu-Chu. Is she not human just because she has fur over her body?"

"But she does not look human. She is something different. I look human. Someone made me in image of man."

"Does that make Chu-Chu different? She questions too, right? Does she think like you do?"

"Sometimes."

Maison nodded. "Does she do things like you do? Does she like things that you like?"

"Some of them. Not all of them, though. Chu-chu likes to dance. I do not know how."

"Is she very different from you, Emeralda, or can you say that Chu-Chu is the same as you are in many ways?"

"She thinks some of the same things, so maybe she is sort of like me. She thinks sort of like Margie too. She acts like Margie, and Elly, and the others."

"Is that a part of being human? Acting like other human beings?"

"But isn't it just acting, then, Maison? Isn't it just ‘pretend'?"

"It's only pretend if you think it is. To me, Miss Emeralda, you are very human. The body doesn't matter. But the thing is, I can't convince you of this. I can tell you that you are truly human all that you want, but you have to have the experiences yourself before you can truly find the answer to your questions."

There was a sharp feeling in her heart. What was this feeling?

"Emeralda," Kim said softly. "They are coming." He led her quickly down a corridor.

"Who are coming, Kim?" Emeralda said in her soft voice. "Where are we going?"

Kim didn't reply. At the end of the corridor, she saw Elly, who held the door open for them. She passed through behind them, shutting and locking the door behind her.

"Elly! Why are we running?" Emeralda tried to say, but it came out as a muffled reply.

Elly carried a travel bag and looked extremely apprehensive. Emeralda couldn't understand what was wrong, but there was something inside her that didn't feel right. "Emeralda..." Elly started.

"In here," Kim said, leading them through one last door. "Emeralda, take off your clothes and get into this tube. We've done this before."

Emeralda nodded. In the five years of her life, Kim often had her get into the glass tube so he could make sure she was okay. Usually, she would get in, close her eyes, and think, but this time, it was impossible for her to ignore the surroundings. Elly tossed the bag inside.

Emeralda could make out Elly's words, just barely, through looking at the movement of her lips and the soft vibrations through the air outside of the tube. In her one year of life, she had managed to pick up the Zebonese language quickly and easily. Elly said, "Here are your clothes. I'll keep guard while you set up the systems."

Emeralda pressed her face against the glass. She couldn't identify the stabbing in her heart. It made her want to shake and get out of here, but she couldn't move. "Kim! Kim!!" she cried, but Kim wouldn't reply. He was at the systems, moving his fingers faster than she ever saw him move before.

She heard funny noises above her, ones that she never heard before. She looked up, but had faith that Kim would never hurt her.

Then she saw them.

Five men charged into the hallway. From her vantage point in the glass tube, she could see the men lift weapons. Elly was in the hallway. "Kim!" she cried.

"Elly!" Emeralda shouted, but no one heard. She watched the world, as if in slow motion. Elly clutched at her chest. She fell against the wall. Blood splattered all over the glass door. She slid, slowly, from the door, and lay, unmoving, on the floor. The other men rushed into the room, but Kim hit one last button and ran to the back door of the laboratory. He slammed the door behind him. Two of the men with the weapons tried to work the door open, while three others started pecking at the computer.

She was starting to feel sleepy, but there was something inside her heart. What was it? First, it was a piercing feeling, one that made her mind cry out. It made her tremble and want to get out of the area. But now, a pulse ran through her head. A new feeling flowed through her. It replaced the other feeling quickly, but it felt like nothing. The nothingness was overwhelming, and she felt as if she were going to faint. Slowly, amidst all of the nothingness, it felt as if small needles were trying to break free from her mind. Something twisted her insides, trying to pull them, push them, and squish them into mush. Something came to her eyes, something like water.

Before she could be taken over entirely by the overwhelming feelings, her mind drifted off, unable to focus on any one thing any longer.

Emeralda stared at him for a while, trying to absorb the information. "Experience for yourself? But..."

A shout from Bart interrupted the two of them. "Hey, Old Maison! How about you come join us for a toast?"

"A toast to what, Young Master?"

"Ahh, hell, I don't know, a toast to anything! Just for the sake of it. You join us too, Emeralda! Stop hiding from us all!"

"Shall we join them, Miss Emeralda?" Old Maison said, coming from around the bar. He extended a hand to Emeralda, helping her step off of the high stool.

The two newcomers sat down at two free spots at the long table. Bart rose his glass, which was filled with a deep, red wine. "What should we toast to?"

"Who called the last toast?" asked Sigurd.

"I think it was Doc," Fei said.

Citan lifted an eyebrow. "I don't recall.."

"Yes, it was you, ol' Hyuga," Jesse roared. "Good old praise for our little team here!"

Citan adjusted his glasses. "Yes, I do recall... well, how about we let Elhaym make the toast?"

"Me?"

"Why not?"

Elly grinned sheepishly. "Okay. Let's toast to.... uhh.... the...." She looked around the table, scanning everyone present. Her eyes finally landed on Fei, who caught her glance. He realised that she was looking, and bowed his head in a slight flush. At the same time, she jerked her head away from his.

"A toast to humanity. May we find the answers to all our inner questions."

"Cheers!" Old Maison said, giving a slight wink towards Emeralda.

Emeralda sipped the slight volume of red wine, taking it down easily. Her body did not react to the alcohol at all, so she never took a lot of it. To her, alcohol did not taste very good, so she chose not to waste it when someone like Jesse or Bart could enjoy it.

As the table went into its casual after-dinner chatter, Emeralda slipped out of her chair, unnoticed as usual. At times like this, she would depart, since she would not be able to keep up with the rest of the group's banter. Even Old Maison was swept up in the conversation.

Questions. Experience.

She remembered something, long ago. It was that feeling that squished her insides to mush, that made her feel nothing. That made her want to cry. She experienced it for herself. But she did not like it. Did she have to experience more of that to be truly human? The horrible, terrible feeling? What made her feel it? Why did she feel like that?

Emeralda headed toward the Gear Hanger. During times like this, she would sit inside Crescens and think. For some reason, Crescens made her feel relaxed and comfortable, like Kim's glass tube.

The gear stood in the hanger, wings folded behind its back, legs straight and erect. Emeralda looked up at the large metal machine as if she was absorbing information from it.

"Emeralda?" asked a soft voice.

Emeralda spun around. She saw Maria standing close by, hands folded daintily in front of her. If there was anyone she could relate to the most, it was Maria. She was the youngest on this ship, but yet, her eyes showed more years than her youthful body. In that respect, she was so similar to herself. There were things that she remembered from long ago.

"Yes?" she replied.

"How are you doing?"

Maria had the same habit that Emeralda did. When she was confused, she would also go to Seibzhen and think. If Emeralda found her standing in the Gear Hanger, then it meant that she was thinking about something. However, Maria knew the same about her. Emeralda sat down on the dirty metal floor and leaned back against Crescen's leg. "Just thinking," Emeralda replied.

Maria smiled sweetly and said, "There's obviously more."

Emeralda looked up toward the high ceiling. "I'm different from you, aren't I, Maria?"

"Different? How?" Maria asked, sitting down next to the young girl.

Emeralda looked into Maria's large eyes. "I not human. Not like you."

Maria nodded. "You aren't human, you say?"

Emeralda shrugged. "Maison says that humans think and ask questions. But he also tells that I have to find out answers for myself."

Maria contemplated this for a moment. "He's probably right, too," Maria said. "I don't know. Just because your body's different from mine doesn't make you different from me. I mean, my dad-" Maria abruptly broke off, then wiped at her eye. "My dad fused himself with a gear. Even though he was... he was... but he was still by dad, even if he no longer had flesh."

Emerelda listened.

"What was it that you always said? That Kim called you his daughter?"

"He said I was hope for mankind," Emeralda replied.

Maria nodded. "You know about humans, right? How we lie, and cheat, and steal, and hurt each other?"

Words like that sounded familiar. It was as if Kim was speaking through Maria.

It was Christmas. The buildings were beautiful gems, shining out amidst the snow that piled on top of them. Kim and Emeralda were walking through the square that day. As usual, Emeralda was awestruck by the large tree in the centre of the square and the long strings of colourful jewels flashing and shining almost everywhere she looked.

"Only humans make something this beautiful," Emeralda said. "Kim, isn't that right? Animals no do this at all."

"Humans, yes," Kim replied. "I wish that they were always into making things beautiful. You know about humans, right? How we lie, and cheat, and steal, and hurt each other? Like in the war."

Emeralda was left speechless. She had seen the victims of the war in the hospitals, and the pain that many people went through by the train stations. There were people, collapsed on the sidewalk, sobbing. Kim told her that they had likely lost loved ones. Emeralda, however, didn't know what that emotion was, what one had to do to sob and cry.

That evening, she was playing with building blocks when Elly came home from a late night at work. As soon as she walked into the door, Kim stepped over to her, embraced her, and gave her a kiss. He looked positively happy when he saw her. That was one feeling that Emeralda could relate to. By seeing Kim and Elly happy, she herself felt something warm inside of her.

"I missed you, dear," Elly said after releasing her hold on her husband.

They loved each other, and they both loved her, too. She thought about the afternoon. If the world was made perfect, then there wouldn't be people crying, and people being hurt. But, as Elly said, she missed Kim.

If Kim was by her side, all the time, would the happy feeling be as strong? If there was no unhappyness, would happiness be all that it was meant to be?

She would talk to the other kids at school. They often had problems. Fights would happen, and she would gasp. Once, her friend was hit by a boy, but she stood up and hit him back. Her friend gave her a hug, happy at have being rescued. Emeralda felt good, because she helped a friend.

None of this would have been possible without the darkness of disaster, without the lying, cheating, and the stealing.

"You may hurt each other, but you also talk with each other, and have fun, and help each other out, right?" Emeralda replied. "If I not talk with anyone, I not be happy. It be boring that way. If there be no one to help, I not be happy either."

Maria's mouth began to open, but it closed again. "That's true... I guess...."

"If we were all same, with no disasters, then no one could help anyone because there be no danger. If we all the same, we no talk with each other because it no fun then," Emeralda said. "There are all the people above. The grown-ups. They all talk with each other. Kim... I mean, Fei. He likes Elly. I see him all happy around her. If there be no bad things, he would not know happiness, right?"

"When they're apart, they miss each other. It makes their time together all the more special and all the more happy. They love each other. It's strengthened because the world is so full of hate."

"Is that to be human? To know love?"

Maria shrugged. "Is it? I don't know."

"Even the people who fight us. Do they know love?"

Maria made a face. "I don't know about that... I don't possibly think anyone on Solaris can love."

"But they're human, right?" Emeralda asked. "They must have love. Why do they fight? Why do we fight them?"

"They fight to destroy the rest of us," Maria replied without hesitating. "And we fight back because we don't want to be destroyed. I love living and I don't want them to take that away from me. They think that they're better than us. So they try to kill everyone."

"Is that love, if you love yourself?"

"It's arrogance!" Maria said roughly. "That's all it is! Arrogance! They don't love anyone!"

"Elly was a part of Solaris. Can we ask her why she fought?"

Maria ceased her venting. "Maybe that's a good idea."

They found Elly stepping out of the Gun Room just as they arrived in the corridor. "Elly," Maria said, holding out a hand.

Elly stopped. "What is it, Maria?"

"Umm, err, Emeralda, you ask."

Emeralda stepped forward boldly. "Why did you fight for Solaris, Elly?"

"Why did I fight for Solaris?" Elly asked. She stopped and scratched her head. "Umm, well, a lot of it was for pride... you know, you have to keep a reputation up and stuff. Don't disappoint others. Like... like my dad. And yourself."

"Is it love, though?" Maria interrupted.

Elly raised her eyebrows. "Is it? Well, in a way, it's respect for yourself. You're making change. You are doing something to make your mark on the world. You're serving your country. I guess it's love. But you can only do it if your conscience is clear. If you think what you're doing is wrong, it can't be love anymore."

"Do the people on Solaris love?" Emeralda asked.

Elly stopped to think. "Boy, you kids are giving me the realy tough questions, aren't you? Umm, I guess, in a way, it sort of is love. But love is bad when it starts to get in the way of other people's love. They love their country and themselves so much that it's bad."

"Right!" Maria said, crossing her arms. "They're getting in the way of our own love! If I love to dance and sing and they try to stop that, then they're getting in my way and I have to fight it!"

"I suppose it could be seen like that," Elly said. "Love is like anything else. You can't love too much...."

"... and that's why there's hate and pain!" said Emeralda triumphantly.

"... Uhh," Elly started, but Emeralda interrupted her.

"You can't have love without pain, right, Elly? Kim always said humans hated and lied and cheated and stole, but then he come home and he would embrace Elly in his arms and kiss her. He was human. If he like the others then he wouldn't hug her like that. He would just hurt her. But if humans did not hate then all there is is love and if there only love it get boring...! If people did not get sad.... then...then..."

She woke. The laboratory was dark, except for a dull, blinking red light built into the roof. Emeralda looked around. She was still in a glass tube. The water was warm, and she did not feel tired at all.

From the surroundings, she could see that there were no more people. All there was left was the control panel, Elly's bag of clothes, and some crates. There was no Elly, and no Kim.

She was alone. Inside, the feeling stared up again. Something inside her tickled her spine and made her feel uneasy. She wanted to get out of the glass tube. Her insides didn't feel right.

She felt something flow in front of her eyes. Kim was gone. Elly was no more. She would never see them love each other again. She would never see them love her ever again. Emeralda lifted a hand to her eyes, trying to wipe them free.

Now, she wished she had remembered her moments with Kim and Elly. She wished that the feelings of happiness were cherished and saved. If she ever saw them again, then she would have to embrace them, just like Kim embraced Elly after she came home from work.

But she never knew when the time would come.

"If people do not become sad, then they won't ever... learn what true love is." There was a name for the emotion now. There was a name for what she felt, so long ago, in the tube. She experiened the sadness. And now, she was given her second chance.

Emeralda fell back on the floor on her rear. She wiped at her eyes. When she moved them, she saw that her hands were wet. The empty feeling struck her again, as if she were experiencing it again for the first time. But there was something different. She wasn't alone.

"Are you all right Emeralda?" Elly asked, kneeling beside her.

Emeralda leaned forward and wrapped her arms around Elly's neck.

Elly's face was surprised for a moment, but then it softened, and she returned the hug.

Emeralda felt the empty feeling give way to something warmer. It flooded her like a wave and drowned the sadness. But there was still water by her eyes. Emeralda released her embrace, then stepped over to hug Maria as well.

"I'm happy to be with you. But why I crying? I thought that you cry only when you are.... when you are sad. I don't... understand."

"I don't either," Maria replied. "But that's a part of being human."

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