These are my personal sentiments. The topic ranges from day to day... even from sentence to sentence. You may not necessarily enjoy these sentiments, in fact, I envisage that you, at times, will not. Once i become more interested in this site, I will add a place where you too can place your sentiments.. perhaps in response to mine, perhaps in response to the world.
things to know
places to go
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peek a view at my life read my thoughts hear voices in my head visit happyland violence is so overrated the synod experience Masters Elysium The Project |
College is a moderate form of an orgy. You cannot 'suade me otherwise. Well.. perhaps only the first month is.. by then, I think everyone gets bored.. and settles down. The first day of school was appraisal weekend. Orientation? Bah... You could tell by the way each guy said, "he-ey," and each girl wore the tightest shirts and skirts to their 8:00 am class. At night, after a day of flirting and expectations, they gather, in skimpier oufits, and more lengthened "hee-ee-eey"s than before. Introducing the third party: Alcohol. The only beverage tht is an excuse for crude, violent, or sexual behavior. It is the spark in the container of hydrogen and oxygen atoms roaming around campus. =BAM= and *POOF* ...instant first week hook-ups... winks in every other direction, unwarranted "massages," random visitations to dorm rooms, lengthened stays... and the first week ends. Splits because of indecisions, other chances, and mistakes.. (alcohol again?)..Exit the freshman losers.. now its upperclassmen territory... The cool, calculated nods from their perch outside the academic buildings, the knowing whispers from the balconies, the points out the window.. and finally.. the approach. "hey" a monosyllabic word, regression from freshman year, a deeper tone, a goatee. Tip of the hat? maybe..if accompanied by the down-glancing and the curve of a smile. Of course, I shouldn't be so mean. There are those guys who are sweet and seem almost asexual.
Okay.. maybe now I'm being too mean. But you cannot tell me that your first day in a new place you didn't (consciously or subconsciously) rate people. The common brain.. Enter tan guy from stage right, dusty blond hair: THOUGHT::: Hmm.. Shagable. Enter guy on stage left, dressed in a tight black shirt, blue eyes: THOUGHT::: Mmmm.. Shagable.
It happens. And it is the epitome of the first month of school. Another analogy: Think of throwing 400 different kinds of fish into one small fishtank. Each fish knows theres about 399 other fish in that microcosm of a sea. If half is male and half is female.. then there are 200 fish that one fish has a chance to get with. So the first few minutes is a frenzy of swimming around, some minor clashes, some large ones, some fish hiding in the castle down below, others wavering at the top gasping for air.. When finally.. some fish die, others reproduce, and others somehow find a content habitable life in that crowded tank, with ot without another fish.
Such is it with humans. (and I came up with that analogy on the spot!)
I feel almost pity for them, Gibisser has educated our class so well. At least some of us have knowledge of our rights. We're like monsters: adults coming of age, who will rarely be taken advantage of.. i feel no different approaching 18 than I did approaching 15 and than i would, dare I say, approaching 21. Four years fly away like no time at all.. and 18? Well, only four and a half sets of four...
My classmates seem eager to be treated as adults. They crave, or soon will, the respect of their elders. I have had no trouble gaining the listening, respecting ear of an adult. Perhaps, in five years, I will return to this place and see some peers have aged. I wonder if the acceptence of losing their youth will come gradually with time, or if it will shock them some point in the future: breaking some, hardening the others.
I see in their faces now the tarnished face of youth. It is a dying flame in some, molded masks hiding everything. We are at the beginning of it all, but at the very same time, we are at the end. At this instantaneous moment we must choose what is hardest to lose: the essence of childhood? the physical innocence? the unbounded passions?
You must realize how beautiful a creation time is. it is immeasurable, and yet it governs our existence. Right now I feel 18, I live as though I were 18, and every waking second is what I am RIGHT NOW... and if it only were this, I would never believe I was, am, could be anything else.
Because of memories, it is possible to capture every moment, waking, or otherwise... Suddenly our lives become 3 dimensional. We have a past, a present, and a future. We can move from now to then to the future in a matter of sacrifice. In a moment.. in less than a moment, I will be at my college commencement, in another, perhaps married, in another, dying. Being of Age is nothing more than a time limit on your existence.
I really REALLY need a break.. and not just a temporary one... 'cause I've tried that. I need a permanent break. I think that's what they call graduation.
Though I recommend trying to do everything... actually no, i don't recommend it. Strike out that last sentiment. Have fun with your life... but responsibly. Seriously consider all that you do. Everything affects the future and how you will be (who you will be). Trust me.. almost everything can wait. It is your job to decide what can't. And if you do a good job.. congratulations.. can you email with help?
I changed my ICQ name today. Although I change it often, I was particularly fond of this name: MisplacedHate. Not that I'm hateful of negative or anything.. on the contrary, it's from the song "Changes" by Tupac Shakur. He's featured in Happyland soon actually. Check the song out.. the lyrics are very inspiring, very realistic, very smooth. I enjoyed that song (enjoy), especially after that whole Littleton thing. Which reminds me.. I'll publish that email I sent to *sorry* people on my list. i got.. angry ... that day. Visit my page "violence is so overrated" in a couple weeks if you wanna know why. Or bug me to send you the email. Seriously... "misplaced hate makes disgrace to races"
*sigh*
I remain
foreverchanging
(my new ICQ handle, by the way)
My life is interesting, and you can't tell me otherwise. I try so hard for people to pass me over... to disappear into reality so I can continue to think, unbounded by any limitations people would dare to place on me had they known I was getting out of life scot-free.
And I am... getting off scot-free. For all I can explain it, people can't understand how much I can remove myself from the world and the people in it. Whenever I reveal these tendencies, people label me as cold-hearted... but that's only a label for something they wholly do not understand yet.
You see, right now my brother is attempting to look over my shoulder at what I'm writing and I complain, and my dad blames me. That's how my world works... I show interest in something, or I show annoyance, and I get shot down. It happens everywhere. I think I've appeared to be the unfeeling one for so long, people have come to know it and expect it of me. I play upon their perceptions like they won't believe.
It's one thing to be in perfect control of your reality and another to be in control of theirs... I am in control only of mine. So be careful when you label me. I have a reason for doing all that I do. When people doubt my choices, I become very ...outraged.
So if you think you know me, you don't and I don't claim to know you... I only know what you let me know.. and that may be more than you think. I don't pretend that people will understand everything I say or do... I certainly do not understand anyone else and that is the mystery of life, don't you see... to glimpse upon the passions of another's soul and be captivated by it.
Life is all so relative and forever changing. I cannot claim to find the best path through it, but the path I have taken is MY PATH and I daresay it is being built solely by me, which does not mean I am alone, though my unconscious chooses it to be so. It means I am not led by others. I trust in myself wholly and I have many good reasons not to trust in you. But you see, it is the picture of negativity you are percieving right now that is wrong. Entirely wrong.
I'm a paradox. I'm a realistic person that leads a parallel life as a dreamer. Perhaps that is my success. People question me every day of how I can love science, how I can write a fantasy novel, love the mystery of magic and mythology.. and still believe in God. Truly to outsiders, i am a very down to earth, stable, logical person. Any test would show I am a left-brained individual.
We view reality through our own frame of reference - a window constantly evolving through our experiences, our thoughts, our actions, and our reactions. It is a fine thread through which we become unique human beings. It is the most complex part of this world and the largest part that separates us from being dull, lifeless matter.
I am a firm believer in Psychology as an answer to who we are and what we will do, but only we can answer truly why. To understand "where everyone is coming from," the entire expanse of their past must be known. It is virtually impossible to do this. So for you to say you fully understand and you fully can make a judgment of anything.. is ludicrous.. unless you have spent a lifetime trying to understand it.
One man's thoughts are not always negative. If they do not conform to reality, or even to your specific view... they are not necessarily bad or even evil.
things to know
places to go
|
peek a view at my life read my thoughts hear voices in my head visit happyland violence is so overrated the synod experience Masters Elysium The Project |