WISH The waves were loud, and All the stars Started to blink And move like airplanes. They switched places in the sky And I think some of them Landed at the airport nearby. They were playing games With me creeping To see if I would notice. I saw them doing it. I wasn't too surprised. Why shouldn't the constellations Turn like lights on A ferris wheel? Why shouldn't the lake Sneak up and smother the Rock jetty in its sleep? I wished I could spin Myself senseless in the black void. I wanted the waves to hush me, Blot me quietly out The way they smooth over Dog paw prints In the rocky sand.
QUESTION It's thought that Tortures me. But the Bible says Killing is wrong, And I don't know How to quiet my Offensive brain Without taking The rest of me with it. O God, why did you Trap me here Between You and myself? I rock my body back And forth there is Comfort in that motion I rock and dream Of fickle sleep Of sweet, sweet comas.
SPLIT SECOND In the headlights Shoulders rose out of the lake, Turning sideways To block the glare. I didn't care who it was, But I did wonder What kind of man Would be thigh-deep in the waves On a night like that. A black dog pressed his nose To the glass of the Driver's side window, And when I looked back The headlights were empty Of humanity, Boring straight through The tossing green water To the opposite shore And the mountains The eyes of truth, The eyes of indifference.
IN ON US He had nothing to say. He stood there baffled, Agitated That I would cry. He didn't seem to notice When the sky fell When the pink-painted walls Toppled sideways And angled us in.
SIDEKICKS My demons dress in blue, And sparkle with crystals From the white crust of the freezer. In the beginning, they Set me down light On the balls of my feet. They spill silver light On my bare arms And shoulders. Thank you, my Captain. Thank you, God. My cold companions Have done well by you. I am heavy like water; I breathe screaming air. And the goblins Ride my ankles, Biting at the bone.
FAMOUS Alone in my studio With all my stillborn babies Distorted, sexless creations Lined up in pickling jars. Conceived in the passion Of my self-loathing Carefully crafted in Hopes that if I Must be nothing, they, Someday, might be something. They might care for me In my old age (If I ever got there). I didn't know at first that They were dead I Sent them into the world To save me, to make my name. They've come back now. The landlady must have told Them where I was, because They found me up here. They just kept coming And coming Filing through the door Like little soldiers, Arriving by the minute. They gather round and Fix me with their eyeless faces. I offer tea, but one or two Only bob their accusing pink heads, As if to say, "Stupid woman, you never gave us mouths."
SUSPENSION I have hit it. I am in hell. The devil is a bastard With a crispy Phd. He sweeps the stage with me When all the guests have gone. He hangs my cage In the empty spotlight For all the lookers-on And when I point the knife At me, he only claps And says, "It is your life, You have the right to die." But I would live for you. Even with my swollen belly And the murderous mass of muscle and jelly Pumping mercury through my veins. I could get used to chains For you. But he hums, "It is too late," So absentmindedly. He whistles, "You're a nothing. You're a whore And he will hate You." I agree.
WAITING It's a countdown With a swinging knife On a pendulum. It's the last day of your life. The letter you sent And the capri pants you bought Might mean precisely nothing Might mean exactly rot. But at least you took a shower And scrubbed the front walk. At least you put the cat out And wound the clock. Better change your underwear. Better wash your sheets. The Judgement Day is coming On winged feet. You can defy creation If you pay the fee. And you can play God; And you can take the devil's tea.
STUDY OF ME If he were A botanist He would tip Leaf after leaf To look at the Pale sides. As it is he Twists the Top off of everything I say And throws it back At me. He thinks about Car audio While I cry.
THE SONG OF THE GOAT for Wolf I sit on my roof When it rains some days. With my elbows on The ridgepole I watch the neighbors raise The trunks of their cars, the collars of their coats; Open umbrellas, or duck indoors proof Of their humanity. And then it's just the glistening lawns, The worms, the chimney hole, And me. Above my little world my city Dreaming of guitars, and what I wrote The day before looking for truth And green lakes, and blue tile floors In Oregon. And when the moon is full I listen for the nightly closing of the doors, The silent stars: the song of the goat.