Tuesday
22 February 2000 |
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Reading: Memnoch the Devil -- Anne Rice (almost
done!)
Listening: Buffy and her wonderful quips! Thinking: I feel so bad. Drinking: Nothing Ok-o-meter: 4 (fairly crappy day), but later 6 1/2 (Buffy and Angel day!) Quote for the day: "He who laughs last has the biggest toy" Weather report: Downpour and slightly windy. 9:00 am
I've been extraordinarily tired lately. I actully started dozing off while counting loading slips. If there's a lull in work (always) then I start dozing off. I'm reminded that I get tired like this if I have an infection or it's too cold. (Though if I get infections it's always cold) I'm usually something of an insomniac. The best way I found of putting myself to sleep is to turn on the radio and try to float up where the music is. Now I can do it without the music, though it is somewhat more difficult. 11:00 am
Men fascinate me, really, I know I've said it before but I mean it. I never thought my type would ever be the big guys, but you know that's not what I go for. I go for the big presence and it most often shows up in the big guys. When I hear that a person is bi it really confuses me. Men and women are so different how could both appeal to you like that? Or maybe that's the thing. I enjoy men too much and I enjoy being with them too much to have the interest necessary to be attracted to women that way. I love to draw them, but the whole messy wonderful world of love and sex is not appealing to me with them. It may seem "the lady doth protest too much" but not so. It's just that I've had people think I was a lesbian. I gave it careful thought, just in case it were something I would be interested in exploring (I've never been one to lie to myself on purpose). I even had a couple dreams, but even in the total acceptance of dreams, it wasn't something I was interested in. I think that it is kind of strange, actually, that I find no stirring, no hint of that attraction considering I've had strong visions of myself as a man, in a former time. If I believed in reincarnation, I'd really want to track this guy down. Maybe it's just another facet of my fascination with men and their reactions, but it felt more personal than that. Which brings up another subject -- guy doctors: Why aren't there any? Women have gynecologists for the least and most female problems, why wouldn't men have one only for themselves and their male problems? The closest they can come to problems of the male nature is the proctologist (ouch!) and centers like Planned Parenting (for STD testing - double ouch!!) When I was still searching for the specific medical field I wanted to go into I thought about doing General Practice and advertising as specializing in men and their special needs. It was a nice thought, but I haven't had the money or the patience for the time it would take. Maybe sometime in the future someone will take the idea and make it reality. You never know what the future might bring. 2:00 pm
Of course after, I lose all that
baby weight but I eat junk and gain it all back. I have a real problem
with willpower. I have none. I need somewhere I have to climb
stairs; I lose it on the important places and it stays off. In high
school I thought nothing of walking ten miles to get to where I wanted
to go. If I found a job anywhere near home, I'd walk there.
Walking makes me feel like I'm actually doing something.
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