December
Saturday
4 December 1999
Looked up Rachel on the 'net to
see if I could find my webpage. Found instead a site called Rachel's
Daily Diary, done by a girl in Berkeley. She is so
cool. Just reinforces my belief that Rachels are really special.
Only a couple Rachels have let me down in life and I think that was more
because I didn't really know them. I am going to start this page
today. Ever since reading the Travels
with Samantha by Phil Greenspun I've been thinking how neat it would
be to chronicle your life for all to see. Rachel's
Daily Diary just confirms it. So -- here I am.
Been bummed
today because everyone wants money from me. My disability check ended
last month (more on that later) and I am signed up with a temp agency.
I've only been out to one job (lasting two days) so far. Hope my
credit doesn't get so bad that I can't get a house. I really don't
think life likes me lately. I had really hoped to be in my own house
surrounded by my children and family and gardens and all sorts of wonderful
life. If my credit gets horrible now I won't have my house for 7
years. That would be bad.
Sunday
5 December 1999
Watching a movie, "10 Things I
Hate About You". I thought it would be a bad movie or at least a
real chick flick, but it's actually really cute and I love the poem at
the end. Deep thought gained from this experience -- even bitches
have feelings. No, really, the thought is that you don't have to
be what everybody else expects you to be, you have an obligation and a
right to be your own person.
I hate the way you talk to me,
And the way you cut your hair.
I hate the way you drive my
car,
I hate it when you stare.
I hate your big dumb combat
boots,
And the way you read my mind.
I hate it so much it makes me
sick,
It even makes me rhyme.
I hate the way you're always
right,
I hate it when you lie.
I hate the way you make me laugh,
And the way you make me cry.
I hate it when you're not around,
And the fact you didn't
call.
But most of all I hate the fact
that I don't hate you
Not even close,
Not even a little bit,
Not at all.
Monday
6 December 1999
My theory on love has made more
than a few people stare at me in shock. You would think that I was
talking about boiling babies. I think that love is not a good reason
on which to base any major decision. More crimes are done in the
name of love than anything; and the criminals who use that as their excuse
seem to think that saying they did it because of love makes it ok.
I'm not saying that love is not a wonderful and important part of life,
as that seems to be the majority opinion of what I am trying to express,
I'm just saying that it should not be held up as the sole reason for action,
much less a relationship. Relationships should be built on trust,
friendship, ability to stand each others company, financial considerations
(if applicable), as well as other common considerations. Love comes
and goes -- and if you don't have anything in common, it will go faster
than otherwise. Anyway, maybe I just explain it badly. I love
my family and I love my friends and on a good day I can find it in me to
find something to love in everyone on the planet; but love is no reason
to put yourself in a position where it has to support everything you do
in a given situation.
Tuesday
7 December 1999
Went to a job today. I am
signed up with a temp agency for clerical work. Today was supposed
to be one day of straight data entry; it ended up being a half day because
there were only a few pages of it to be done. I guess I'm just too
fast for my own good. So I get home and call the agency to tell them
that it only ended up being a half day (yes I only get paid for what I
worked) and they ask if I have any medical experience what so ever.
I say of course, I took three years of Health Careers Academy in high school.
That's medical terminology, medical math, pre-nursing classes, and medical
sciences. They (the agency) say great! It seems that the doctor's
office I worked I today called after I left and asked if I was looking
for full-time permanent work. Of course I am!!!! Duh! You think I'm
working one or two days a week because I like being broke? Needless
to say I did not express that side of the story, I just said 'yes, of course
I am.' So maybe they will hire me on a full-time basis. That
would be cool. I hate hate hate hate hate being broke and stressing
about my bills, and how to buy groceries, and bills, and why I don't have
a house yet, and bills.
I de-stress
by planning how my house is going to look when I get it. In psych
class you learn to meditate by picturing a beautiful place, wherever on
the earth or in the universe you would choose to be. My house is
my "green place". I have a whole file of color swatches and rough
drawing of room specifications and wallpaper and bathroom fixture catalogs.
When they asked me in middle school where I wanted to be in ten years I
said in my house surrounded by kids and chickens. We wrote these
predictions down and the people mailed them to us after ten years.
I got mine and cried because life is so not like I wanted it to be.
The only thing going right is that I have the most wonderful kids ever.
I tell you, I went from plans to marry a rich guy in grade school, to chickens
and kids in high school, now I just want to be able to pay my bills, get
my kids decent Christmas presents and have a warm place to sleep and keep
my junk. The really good thing about being poor and desperate --
you didn't know what you could do with so little until you have even less.
I can really find the upbeat, can't I just. hehehehe.
Wednesday
8 December 1999
Looking up buttons and pictures
on the 'net to find stuff to put on my pages. I hope that I do use
them because I have a lot of wonderful pictures. I'm still looking
for a good gryphon and phoenix pictures.
Good news!
I have an interview next Thursday! Wish me luck, I'm gonna need it.
It's a place I worked at before and loved. The people are all very
nice and I would love more than anything (well maybe as lady companion
to a filthy rich, nice, generous employer -- in your dreams dear!!) to
work there again. Lord of Host, be with us yet, lest we forget, lest
we forget.
Otherwise,
very depressed with the bill situation vs. money situation. 'Oh,
that again?' Yup.
Thursday
9 December 1999
Daddy had me come over to find
the picture box in the front bedroom. I had put it aside when I was
looking in there for my Christmas box. He borrowed the flatbed scanner
from me and Wayne
so he could scan the family pictures and add their stories and put them
all in one place. I think it's a wonderful way to put them in order.
We'll be able to see the pictures with the rest in order of time and see
what was happening and what everybody was thinking at the time.
Mom, my
grandma, and her brothers started writing over e-mail about when they were
young. Chicago in the 1920's, San Francisco in the 30's. I
think it's fantastic. I save all the stories to disk. No one
wants to admit that we want these stories out so that we can have at least
a part of them to keep when they are gone. I don't know what we are
going to do when my grandmother is gone. I feel like the whole family
has been built around her for so long. We are not close, but she
is the head of the family. What will we do without her? I don't
want to find out for a long time. I think that's why so many of us
want her to give one of us her house in her will. That house is home
base just like she is the head. We all grew up in and out of that
house, though only a few of us actually lived there. We all pretended
that the backyard (a 1/2 acre?), with the pool and full of plants and fruit
trees was our own private jungle. She was the queen who deigned to
notice us once in awhile. Who graced us with her presence long enough
to swim gracefully around the lagoon (the swimming pool) and sat under
the grape arbor to watch us grow up. She is frail now, though I didn't
believe it until the first time I noticed weeds daring to grow in her gardens
and realized they were there because she could no longer get out there
to shoo them away. Weeds had never dared to stay in her gardens before,
or maybe I just never noticed them before. I've never been very close
to her, always felt that I disappointed her somehow, but I will miss her
horribly when I can't talk to her anymore.
Friday
11 December 1999
Thought we were going to do a bunch
of errands; instead
Wayne
slept in and we ended up going nowhere until it was time to get my daughter,
Lorelei. My temp service called me in the morning asking if I could
work but I thought we were going to do a bunch of stuff so I said sorry.
I should have gone. We didn't go on errands, and we left late to
get Lorelei. My dad let us borrow a bunch of money to pay bills since
I am still out of work but bills don't stop. However, he didn't get
his money until late, and we were on the road up to Angel's Camp where
my ex and his family live by the time he called.
The arrangement
we have, loosely, is that we go get her on Fridays and my ex's wife comes
get her on Sunday. It doesn't always work that way, but it's better
than the past three years, with my father doing all the driving both days
every weekend. It sucks majorly that we have to go all that way at
all, but that's where they love to live and I get no say in it. I
would prefer to have Lorelei live here during the week, but she's always
been a daddy's girl and continues to be so. My house isn't as fun
as daddy's too. At least me and my ex aren't at each others throat.
I've heard the horror stories. We have as civil a divorce as we did
a marriage. That whole escapade reads like a soap opera.
We had
been married for three years approximately, and I no longer wanted to deal
with his anger and patronizing attitude so I told him he could find himself
another wife. I wasn't going to leave, I just wanted him to find
someone else to dump on. He jumped at the chance and six months later
we moved in with a friend of mine from high school. Two months after that
they were together. It really worked well for a few months, until
I realized that I was being excluded from the family altogether.
I started talking to another friend of mine and he disliked how I was being
treated. He and I ended up together and my ex and his girlfriend
ended up in San Andreas. It took a year before anyone had the money
for a divorce proceeding and then another six months for it to go through.
They were married the weekend after it was final. They now have one
big happy family with him and her, her daughter from a previous marriage,
Lorelei, and their son they have together. I'm sure they are much
happier pretending I don't exist, but that's ok, since I do the same with
them during the week. I just pretend my daughter is off at school.
Yes, I'm in denial, it works for me though.
So the
transmission is going out on our semi new car and daddy gave us money to
fix that too. We bought it when I still had my job. It's
a '91 Dodge Caravan, a total mommy's car. I like it. It does
seem that since we got it we have been seeing ones just like it everywhere,
though. I realize that's a well known phenomenon to new car owners.
You always see cars just like yours everywhere. We see white ones
with wood siding, just like ours. And it's not the same one, I check
the license plates. It's strange. Weeeeeoooooooo. Hehehehe.
Daddy
and Mommy have given us a bunch of money for bills and groceries and miscellaneous
need 'em items. We don't owe them the money, though. We owe
them a whole retirement. We are my parent's retirement
fund. God, I need a job.
Saturday
12 December 1999
Kyle's birthday is this coming
Thursday. December is always a tough month, with his birthday and
Christmas and Lorelei's birthday on the 27th. Along with Thanksgiving
just past and my birthday just before that, presents are a pain.
We won't have Lorelei next weekend, it's her father's weekend, so we should
have celebrated his birthday today. I didn't do the cake on time,
so maybe we can just ask their mother if we can have them over for dinner
sometime this week.
To get
the relationships straight -- Wayne
is my fiancee, he has two children from a previous girlfriend. Kyle
is his son, he's 7 on this coming Thursday. Tabitha (Tabi) is his
daughter, she will be 6 in April. Lorelei is my daughter, she will
be 7 two days after Christmas. Ana is our daughter together.
She will be 3 in February. We have a his/hers/ours relationship.
Wayne I met in high school. He is four years older than I.
My ex-husband was ten years older than I and he had the attitude that I
was the child and he the adult. I hated that. Maybe he didn't
do it consciously, but he still did it.
Sunday
13 December 1999
I've been having a lot of anxiety
attacks lately, I'm not sure why. I only have them when I'm relaxing
at home, usually in the evening, but not all the time. They are probably
about the no money situation, but then why aren't they during the day when
I usually worry about things? I don't know if I should tell a doctor,
he would only tell me it's stress related. I just hate they way they
feel. It's also times like that that my heart starts doing it's palpitations.
I have medicine I'm supposed to take when that happens, but the doctor
says it's not serious even though he admits he doesn't know exactly what's
wrong. Yay.
I was
bored tonight, but I didn't have anything to do. Usually I read,
or have a show on TV, or I used to paint figurines. My book is getting
boring, so I'm putting off finishing it. There are none of my shows
on until Tuesday (Buffy and Angel!!!!!!!). My figurines are in storage,
like most everything else of ours. We thought that we would only
be in this apartment while we found something larger. We lived in
our first apartment for three years, until November 98, when the walls
started to close in and then they were going to raise the rent. We
moved into Wayne's sister's house then and boy was that a mistake.
I knew it was going to be hard, two strong-minded women is hard in one
house. I knew that from when we lived with my ex, his now wife and
me with the kids in the house on Caywood. At least we agreed on most
things about the house. So, staying with Wayne's sister ended in
a fight, I think it started as an argument about who didn't respect who
the most. We were out of there by March. I lived at my parents
for two weeks, with Ana. Wayne
stayed most nights in the car or at a friends house. Neither of us
had our other kids during that time. We found this apartment as a
temporary until we found something bigger. Now it looks like we will
be here for a little longer than I thought.
I got
tired of having almost no Christmas pretties and no way to buy any.
I grabbed a wire hanger from the closet and a green garland I had from
last year. I wrapped the garland around the hanger and kept on until
it was bunched and wound on that hanger and was not coming off. I
picked up my long strand of beads and some bows and stuck those on.
Now I have a beautiful wreath, though I still can't hang it on my door
outside. The kids in these apartments would probably take it.
Oh well. At least it's something pretty. I get so tired of
not having any of my pretty things with me. We only have necessary
things here.
Monday
13 December 1999
Paid bills today with the money
daddy let us borrow. Went to storage and dug through stuff to get
out my paints and figurines. I paint one inch figurines from role-playing
games like Dungeons and Dragons and Shadowrun. I got in a good four
hours of painting with brushes the size of straight pins and I feel a lot
less stressed now. Other than that it was a very boring day.
Tuesday
14 December 1999
9:45am
Took the car into the transmission
place this morning. They said that it wasn't the transmission filter
like Wayne
thought. We have to leave it for half a day so they can look at it.
They said they'd look at it for free, thank goodness, and figure it out.
We have the money daddy gave us, I don't know what we're going to do if
it ends up being more than what we have.
Why do
things always have to come out to money? Why not something else,
something I have plenty of. In the books it's always something like
morals or bad history or emotions that stand in the way of the goal.
I wouldn't even mind if it were time we were having a problem with, though
it is said time is money, so that doesn't work either. But time I
have plenty of, I don't get in trouble that requires me to check my moral
thermometer, and I'm fairly calm, so I rarely get in trouble with my emotions.
Bad history I have so little of, my life is really pretty dull. Somewhat
average home life, average looks, average grades, somewhat average friends.
If I weren't having trouble with money my life would all in all be somewhat
perfectly average. Goody, something else to be depressed about.
Hehehe. Can't really be too depressed over average though, too many
people have it so much worse.
There
is enough good in the worst of us,
And
bad in the best of us,
It
ill behooves the most of us
To
talk about the rest of us.
10:00pm
We finally called the transmission
place about 4:00pm and asked if they looked at our car yet.
They said that it must be something inside the transmission and that they
would need $1300 to take it apart to figure out what is wrong with it.
Needless to say, we don't have anywhere near $1300 and we won't have it
anytime soon.
Wayne
went and picked up the car, his dad gave him a ride out there. Wayne
decided that he's going to fix it himself. He really thinks it is
the filter, that the transmission place was just trying to get more money
out of us. We went to Kragen, the only car parts place we go to,
and picked up a book on the car, a filter, and transmission fluid.
Wayne will do the car on Sunday.
My temp
service, Kelly, called me up with an interview opportunity for today, but
they wanted me to go in when the car was at the transmission place and
I couldn't go. They called back later and said I could go tomorrow
at 5:30pm. It's in Lathrop, in a school bookstore. That job
would be nice, but I really hope I get the one Thursday. I past up
an interview for the same position last year. I had taken the county
test for the position, Office Assistant II, but I was scared of doing the
phones, so I passed it up. That would have been a permanent position
with benefits, and it was never filled. I would have had an 'in'
since I already worked there, and I feel so stupid passing it up.
It is being interviewed as a temporary position now, but if I get it, then
when the test comes around again, I'll take it and maybe get the permanent
position. Hope hope hope. Wish me luck, remember me in your
prayers. Lord of hosts, be with us yet...
Wednesday
15 December 1999
11:08pm
Decided yesterday to include the
time in the entries. That gives me a chance to tell what was before
something happened and after, i.e. the transmission shop episode.
Tonight
I had the interview in Lathrop. Wayne
thought that it would take a long time to get there from here, it ended
up only taking, with a stop to get gas and another to get the cell phone
from his father, 45 minutes. Well the interview went well.
I actually hope I get it. I know I did want the position with the
county, but this one sounds nicer; better people, better chance of permanent
employment. It would be for the UPh in Lathrop, nice place. If I
get hired, I have a better chance to become a permanent employee with medical,
dental, and vision insurance, benefits, 401k plan, good money, and they
pay for my education if I decide to further myself. That is a $20,000
education for free. Heck, even as a temp the money is excellent.
I will
still interview for the county position tomorrow. I have to get up
bright and early in the morning to get there. I am going to wear
my good suit. I love that suit, I got it at the thrift store for
$6.
I am addicted
to thrift stores, love them. I can no longer shop in a regular clothes
store. I look at the prices on those clothes and I ask myself 'Who
would pay this much for one pair of pants?' I just can't pay $20
for one pair of jeans when I can go to a good thrift store and get 10 pairs
for the same amount. And if you have a good eye and know exactly
what you want, you can be better dressed than most of the people you know
who buy expensive clothes from the department stores. It really amazes
me what I find in the thrift stores. There actually are people who
will buy something that costs an arm and a leg, get it home, and decide
that it just doesn't work for them and then give it to the thrift stores
or donate it to charity, WITH THE TAG STILL ON! A friend of mine
found a $200 brocaded linen suit for under $20. The tag was still
on it and it had obviously never been worn. I love the thrift store!
Thursday
16 December 1999
10:00 am
Had an interview at the county
job this morning. It's offering a part-time position at $7.50 an
hour until sometime in March. I called the guy from UPh and told
him (his machine) I wanted the job, if they wanted me.
2:00pm
The guy called me back and said
come in at noon Monday for a second interview. If they don't find
someone between now and then that they want to come in for a second interview
(he thinks unlikely), then that will be my first day of work. I hope
I get this job.
Have been
looking through my writing basket to find Christmas cards. I found
letters from Raymond, my friend in the navy. He wrote me letters
from the posts he visited. I sent him a couple of cards and several
email; I don't know if he ever got any of it. A mutual friend told
me he was on a different ship now, so I stopped the email. Haven't
heard from him for a couple years now, but I remember him every year on
his birthday. I was thinking of calling his mom and asking her for
his address. I really miss him, he was a very good friend.
I know
that opposite sex friends will, at one time or another in their friendship,
think about a relationship. Maybe the thought takes all of 5 seconds
or maybe it's not even a conscious discussion with yourself, but it does
happen. I have had this discussion with myself and I usually arrive
at my decision within a few minutes or less.
When I
was in high school, Wayne
was one of those few guys who asked me out. My decision then was
that I was waiting for a certain other guy to hurry up and ask me, but
i didn't want to lose Wayne. I told him this as nicely as possible
and kept him as a friend. Now, ten years later (give or take) he
has his wish and we are together. The joke's on him, no?
I've only
been in 3 relationships in my life. Maybe that's admirable to some
or pathetic to others, but to me that's just the way it happened.
I went into high school waiting for one guy. We finally got together
when someone asked us for the umpteenth time if we were going out and instead
of the standard answer (no, we're just friends) I turned and asked him
"Well are we?" He looked a little startled but was quick enough to agree
that yes, we were. That was the beginning of that. My first
true love. Nothing like it, never will be again. We were together
for something over a year, though it felt like so much longer. He
broke up with me the day before Valentine's day. I met my future
husband two months after that. (What I thought was kind of ironic,
I told my husband it was over the same day, February 13, 4 years later.)
I hated
my ex-husband the first time I met him, he was ten years older than me
and he had done something that really hurt a close friend of mine.
It wasn't entirely his fault, but that's not the point. He informed
me the first day we met that he had come back to our hometown in order
to marry me. A mutual friend (the reason for the hatred) had told
him all about me. To what purpose I may never know. It took
him a good (or bad) 8 months to even get me to like him, another few to
agree that we were going to marry. He wanted the same future I wanted.
We thought alike and at times were so alike each other that it was truly
scary. I knew it wouldn't last, I knew but I ignored it. Sometimes
fate bonks you on the head hard enough that you can't possibly ignore what
you have to do. So I convinced myself (already at 16 suffering from
wannabeamommyitis) that this was the best I was going to get. At
the time I really think he was. That relationship gave me something
I desperately needed to grow in myself. Maybe I shouldn't have married
him, maybe I should have left way before I did. But I was raised
to believe that sex belonged in a marriage and you don't quit, even when
you're drowning.
So, comes
the current relationship. He didn't like the situation with my ex.
Even since the very beginning, in high school, he had always been a good
knight on a gleaming charger figure. My own personal hero.
The reality was far different by the time we got together. He had
let himself destroy his body and mind and self-control. However,
he needed me. If ever there was a good or bad reason to do anything,
being needed will get me every time. We get along well now.
He's been clean and gaining control of his life by leaps and bounds, three
years now. We suit each other, even if it's never all that easy.
We love each other and we compliment each other and who needs easy anyway?
Friday
17 December 1999
Spent most of the day going through
the other links on
Rachel's
pages. I've gone through her diary up to January this year, and I
wanted to see everything else she had. I think I found most if not
all. It's all very cool and she's very talented.
Wayne
went to a friend's house so I was actually alone in the house (with Ana,
but she was down for a nap) for once! He picked up his kids from
their mother's house before he came home. Thankfully I had Kyle's
cake in the oven before they got here and it was done before dinner.
We gave him Star
Wars ships for presents. They are just the right size, hand sized.
He clutches all his toys in a death grip, so these are easy to carry.
Kyle and
Ana have an ongoing war, ever since she was old enough to realize there
were other people in her world than mommy. She loves to harass him
and she knows just how to do it. He is afraid of babies in general
because they cry for no reason and grab what comes too near. Ana
learned this real quick.
Kyle has
a mild case of cerebral palsy and autism. The doctors find something
more wrong with him every so often. I think they're just trying
to find a name for his general condition and it's not that easy.
He suffered some sort of brain damage before he was born, I think it's
from the epilepsy medicine his mother was taking before she knew she was
pregnant.
However, what is wrong with him is so slight that there are so absolute
signs of any one condition. He has no physical problems that I can
see, although he goes to a physical therapist once a week. I'll have
to ask his therapist next time we take him. He has a speech problem,
which also has therapy once a week for, attention deficit, and maybe something
of a learning disability, though that's hard to really get a hold on how
bad it is because the attention problem makes him not want to do anything
for very long. He has a real problem doing his work and when he doesn't
feel like it he will say things like "I can't do it." and he will keep
saying it until he is told that he doesn't have to. Unfortunately,
more people give up on him than try to keep on him. I think he needs
a one-on-one tutor at least part of the time but he was put into main stream
schooling without tutoring, and his mother doesn't have the patience to
make him do his homework. A lot of the time she does it for him and
it's getting to the point that even the teachers are noticing.
Saturday
18 December 1999
3:36pm
Updated my journal for yesterday.
I notice that I'm writing down on paper then the next day I'll go and write
on here that day and the current day. That's fine.
Kyle and
Tabi's grandfather picked them up this morning about 9:40 to take them
to Kyle's birthday party. They went to the place at the mall with
games and rides. They came back about noon.
Sunday
19 December 1999
I'm supposed to maybe start the
job tomorrow. I hope I get it, thought the hours are going to take
some getting used to. The hours are from noon to 9pm. That
gives me the whole morning to do errands if I need to, but only if I can
get us up early enough. I'm pretty much a night person and I've been
having trouble lately getting to sleep at night. It doesn't help
that the TV is in the same room as our bed. Ever since I was a kid,
if the TV was on, it was very hard not to pay attention to it, no matter
what was on. With TV and the regular worries it's getting so bad
that I don't get to sleep until 3am most nights. I have to see about
checking out something from the library about meditation; it works during
childbirth if you can get your mind into it from the beginning.
Renamed
my files for my webpages today to make it easier to find what I want to
put on here. I have a system now to tell me what the picture is and
if it is a background (bk), a border (bd), a button (bt), or a line (ln).
If it's just a picture then there is no identifying suffix. It works
so far. I had to go through and delete all the old file names from
the webpage server and reload them. This was tiresome, as our computer
is lagging big time when loading. Wayne doesn't know what the problem
is, but I have faith that he will fix it.
He hasn't
had a problem yet on the computer that he couldn't fix, even if it takes
him a while. It hasn't yet taken him more than a couple days to figure
out how to fix any problem and usually only takes a few minutes to a few
hours, even for major problems. I am in awe of him; I will probably
never know computers as well as he does, being as I am a computer illiterate
from way back. He is self-taught and the things he can do with ease
just baffle me, even after explanation. D, my first boyfriend, was
the same way and I always felt very stupid when he tried to explain something
like that to me. I comfort myself with the knowledge that everyone
has their strengths and though computers are definitely not mine, I do
have quite a few. I have seen others give me that blank look while
I am explaining something, the look that says, "I have no bloody idea what
you are talking about, you might as well be speaking in tongues, but maybe
if I stare at you like I'm paying attention, you will not think I'm quite
as stupid as I feel right now".
I have
always been around computers, too, since high school. D was very
into them, Ny (my ex-husband) was into them too, and though he wasn't as
stunning in his intelligence with them, it was still beyond my grasp of
the knowledge. My father got a computer of his own when I was dating D
and has enjoyed the internet and what he could do with his 'puter.
Now Wayne is good with them. I'm really surprised I don't know more
about them. Maybe I've fought learning more than my word processing
program before now, in protest of how much time and attention of my loved
ones the thing has taken from me. I didn't used to think I was so
self-centered, now I'm older and wiser and I know better.
Monday
20 December 1999
10:29pm
Catching up on my journal.
Went to the second interview at noon. He said that he had one more
interview and I needed to call him by 4:30 this afternoon. I called
at 4:00 and left a message. He called back at 5:30pm or so and I
begin tomorrow at 9:00am. After the first the hours go back to noon
to 9:00pm, but right now for these couple of weeks, the hours are 9:00am
to 6:00pm. That's ok, it gives me time to tie up loose ends and teach
Wayne what to do all day with Ana. He will be watching her.
He doesn't want to, but we owe our daycare lady money for when Ana went
and I was on maternity leave. She can't go back until we pay it all.
That's ok. I have a job now, even if it is only temporary, it is
good enough to pay the bills for now.
Today
was very depressing, though nothing out of the ordinary happened.
Maybe it was the fact that nothing out of the ordinary happened.
Tuesday
21 December 1999
10:51pm
Today was the first day of work.
It was good, I'm going to learn a lot.
Disco
fairy
Wednesday
22 December 1999
10:20 am
I didn't ask anyone before I left
yesterday what I was supposed to be doing today, and they went to a meeting
in Sacramento this morning. They won't be back until this afternoon,
so I'm just sort of sitting around reviewing my notes from yesterday
The people who are here don't have anything for me to do.
However,
RPlant, the Admissions person (excuse me, Academic Counselor!), says that
with the holidays there really isn't that much to do anyway. She's
a trip. She likes Bob Marley and Robert Plant, and has a neon bead
curtain hanging in her office window. It was a present from a co-worker
at the office Christmas party.
Kitty
is the person who is training me She's cool. She's the one
who gave RPlant the bead curtain.
Meme is
the girl whose place I am taking, while she's on maternity leave.
She's leaving after this week, so she's teaching me to do what she does
first.
On the
subject of music, I'm finding that country music (which is mainly what
I listen to) is not as hated by the general populace as it's rumored to
be. When people ask what music I listen to I tell them "Yes, I'm
one of those annoying country music people", but I'm finding that nearly
all the people I talk to like at least a few country songs. I started
listening to it right before my divorce and my oh so understanding, laid
back husband used that against me when I left him, saying "You've changed!"
I had to laugh at that despite the situation, I never expected him to use
that phrase. I used to listen to oldies, and I still do, on tape
or CDs.
The radio
station doesn't play the good stuff anymore. Some oldies stations
play mostly 80'S, claiming those are oldies. Bullpucky.
Oldies are 60's, 70's and a nice pepper of 50's. Blood, Sweat and
Tears; Beatles; Oingo Boingo; James Taylor; Elvis, these type and a few
whose names I don't know. These I like. Beach Boys; Buddy Holly;
and Richie Valens I can stand in small doses. I listen to the radio
to hear the music, not talk; radio shows talk way too much and play way
too many commercials. I know they have to to get the money to stay
on the air, but I don't want to hear it.
I tell
some people about this journal and they have asked why I do this. I like
the idea of people knowing I'm here; I guess I'm sort of an exhibitionist;
instead of my body (well, somewhat that too) it's my life I'm putting on
display. I've had people tell me I'm pretty and some others tell
me I'm smart or "real". I didn't used to believe it and I'm not sure
I'm totally convinced now, but I like people to know that there is a person
in this shell and it's all connected and I'm really here. I imagine
myself in the commercial where the red and yellow M & Ms see Santa
and Santa says "they do exist" and the red M & M says "he does exist"
except I imagine it's my brain and my body saying "it does exist", because
very rarely are both acknowledged at once. Either people are impressed
with my looks or my smarts, but rarely at the same time or by the same
people.
3:15 pm
I am hard pressed to define my
favorite thing. I like so many different things -- pigs, angels,
smiley faces, flying creatures (except vultures), fantasy, things and people
that make me think, talking about myself, hearing others talk about themselves,
plats and gardening, music, singing, playing the violin (not good at it,
just like it), my webpage, writing, my tattoo, a fun college class (anthropology,
sculpture, algebra, psychology, anatomy, robotics), space exploration,
Mars, the possibility of life and/or colonies on Mars, Sloths, prehistoric
sloths, good clothes, dressing up, a good set of shoulders on a man, beards,
a man's body, being held at night, a daiquiri ice ice cream, peanut butter
and chocolate ice cream, lasagna, fettecini alfredo with chicken and broccoli,
raspberry cheesecake, extra rare steak, sweet peas in tuna casserole, persimmon
bread, potato cheese soup, vegetable soup, braunschwager and cream cheese
sandwiches, cheese , my mother's roast beast, my grandmothers meringue
cookies, my father's little Joe Special, raviolis, Italian good in general,
eating at Genghis Khan's and Black Angus and Marie Calendar's (not at the
same time!), pretty things, architecture, medicine and the medical profession,
reading, a good romance book (one that makes me laugh, cry or both), sci-fantasy,
books, Robert Heinlein, Isaac Asimov's robot books, Mercedes Lackey, Piers
Anthony, my TV shows (Buffy!!!!!!!!!!!, Angel!, Charmed, Time of her Life),
VH1 Pop Up Video, John Denver, Annie Lennox, Blues Traveler, Oingo Boingo,
James Taylor, etcetera ad nauseum. My favorite things are tied
between my kids and the house I will someday have. These are what
keep me going when I just want to give up and quit, live in a cave in the
woods somewhere.
10:00 pm
L ad Lu showed up tonight to give
us presents. I gave them the presents for J and Sara. It was
nice; we didn't expect anything, though I remembered her saying she was
making blankets. Lu also made a huge basket of goodies. Four
kinds of cookies, three breads, brownies, fudge and chocolate dipped pretzels.
Yum! They stayed and visited for awhile. I held Sara and danced
with her for a little while. She is able to hold her head up and
she rests really well on a shoulder, peeking over. She loves to watch
the TV, so many bright colors and moving pictures.
L and
Lu have wanted kids since they first married, so when they found out that
Lu couldn't have kids due to a medical problem, they looked into other
options. The fertility drugs gave her severe problems and adoption
through the state fell through. They didn't have the money for private
adoption or surrogate. I heard about all their problems when I was
pregnant with Ana. Now, I had friends when I was 16 who went through
the same problems and I saw first hand how devastating it is to want children
so bad and to be disappointed over and over again. I wished I could
do something then, but couldn't. Now I could. If anyone deserves
kids it's L and Lu. I told them that I would be willing to act as
a surrogate. Thus Sara. People outside of family were stunned
that I would do it, even for friends. Family knew me better and already
thought I was strange and unpredictable. Not really, but that's what
they think.
The reactions
ranged from "Wow, that's really cool", to "How could you give up your daughter"
to "Wow that's really cool, but how could you give up your daughter?"
To those who questioned my decision I told them that these were my friends,
they deserved a child and I never thought of Sara as my daughter.
I am just the messenger. Sara is a child I carried for my friend
because she was unable to. Yes, it was my egg; no, she is not mine.
To my children I just told them I was holding the baby for Lu. That
was the truth in the simplest form, and it was easier to explain it that
way than to try to explain the reasons behind the decision. Besides,
it was no one's business but ours. She has a large, wonderful family
who loves her more than anything; a family who is more grateful to me than
I sometimes know how to handle. At least they don't gush, I hate
when people gush. They make sure I know exactly how much I've done
for them and they are extremely appreciative, but they don't gush.
Thursday
23 December 1999
If I had to point to one thing
that proved maturity it would have to be when you realize that your parents
and other people in authority are human too. They have thoughts,
they live in their heads just like you. There is no mysterious "they".
"They" do not exist. Life is only millions on millions of people,
living inside their own heads. Each person has a reason for what
they do. They each have a history of good and bad that govern their
thinking and their reasons for doing something. Bad people live inside
their heads, and they have reasons. Good people live in their heads
and have reasons. Indifferent people, retarded people, handicapped
people, your parents, your neighbors, the police, the Congress, the President.
I'm not saying that their reasons are good, or easy to understand even
if you know them, just that they exist. Most people know this plain
fact, about themselves or family or friends, but maturity has to be when
you can really truly understand it about a total stranger, without having
met them or had any contact. Without knowing their names or their
friends. It's just that simple and so very hard to understand.
I believe
one of the most mature questions you can ask is "How did it happen?"
You are acknowledging someone else's history. You do not lay blame
or assume; you are just asking for fact as told by another.,
When God
tells us to "love one another as you love yourself" He wasn't just
talking about the heart love; the mind is deeply involved in true love.
Not just the emotion of loving, but the understanding of another just as
you understand yourself.
Monday
27 December 1999
Lorelei's Birthday!
Called
D the day before Christmas Eve. He called back on Christmas.
He was coming down with the flu, poor baby. It was good to hear his
voice. He has a nice smooth deep voice. We wished each other
Merry Christmas and I asked if he minded me using his name in my Footnotes.
He said he didn't mind, but I think I'll just stick with the initial like
in my paper diary.
We celebrate
Christmas on Christmas Eve because my dad's birthday is on Christmas Day.
Nobody gave him any presents either day this year. I felt really
bad. I know none of us really had money this year, but still--no
presents at all? I remember one year I got 1 present and that was
ok. Me and Wayne went to Barnes
& Noble and got him a couple really cool Star Wars books the day
after Christmas. He liked them.
Today
was Lorelei's birthday. She turned 7. This year can't have
been the best for her, either. We descended upon Mom (my grandmother)
for dinner for the third day this week. It was good, but I already
didn't feel well. Too much chocolate and hopefully not flu.
I made a 13x9 inch cake. Chocolate on chocolate, of course.
We didn't have ice cream and only Mom, my parents, Wayne, me, Lorelei and
Ana were there. No big party, no lots of people or presents.
December birthdays suck. Wayne's birthday is on the next holiday
and he never looks forward to it.
He wants
a Voodoo 3 2000 Pci card more than anything
this year and he would have been able to get it if we didn't have to get
other things. Mommy and Daddy got Lorelei the Blue box Pokemon Multi
Media set and we got her the Crayola multi media box. Mom gave her
a purse from Guatemala with money in it. We also gave her her very
own webpage and email address.
I really
don't feel well tonight. Hopefully it goes away. I have got
to work tomorrow; I simply can't afford a day sick right now.
Tuesday
28 December 1999
9:00 am
Took day off sick. Hate to,
but I don't feel good.
1:00 pm
Don't have any clean clothes.
Usually Sunday is laundry day but this Saturday was Christmas and Sunday
we had to shop for Lorelei's birthday. Monday was Lorelei's birthday.
So we went to daddy's and did laundry. Lorelei and Ana got to play,
Wayne and daddy got to talk computers, and I got to veg on the couch and
do laundry.
Wednesday
29 December 1999
Felt much better by bedtime last
night, so went to work. Half the people in the office are being transferred
to Sacramento and Jeanine (the other new girl) and I are going to be the
only ones at night doing customer service. Today was a flurry of trying
to make sure we had all the instruction we need. Next week the students
come back and we need to be up and running.
12:04 pm
Went grocery shopping and got a
cart full of groceries after work. Feels good to be able to afford
it all.
Thursday
30 December 1999
12:00 pm
I started office work in May 1998.
It has been rough going, since no one will tell you what you're doing wrong
socially until you really piss them off. There are books and texts
to tell you how to dress, how to communicate business (memos, grammar,
office speech, etc.), and how to understand that people are all different,
from different cultures. None tell you that person-to-person means
saying please, thank you, and sorry ALOT! Three or four times more
that you would in a regular situation with everyone else, including your
own family.
Voicing
your personal opinions is also something you don't do until the other people
are comfortable with your presence in the office. People in the office,
whether consciously or not, are touchy about status. If you come
in, your opinions blaring and you come on too strong in your beliefs, others
will take it as a challenge. Not that you should be a mouse; being
interesting and opinionated is fine as long as you're not the least pushy
about it. And if someone else insists you are wrong in your opinion,
just shut up about it. If you try to win an argument in an office,
you will lose, even if you are right.
I have
learned also that you have a limit of 3 (4 tops!) sentences starting with
"I". After that you're just showing off. Allow 3-6 sentences
from somebody else before starting again. Above all, stay calm.
Over excitement can be misconstrued by coworkers and management as fanaticism,
pushiness, or drug-induced fervor.
Friday
31 December 1999
12:30 pm
I asked Lorelei what she likes
about being here and she said she likes daddy's better. I asked what
she likes better about there and she says she gets better stuff there (Wayne
doesn't like Pokemon, so she doesn't get to play with it very often).
She has been here since Christmas Eve, she goes back on the 2nd of January.
I like having her here, it feels more normal than just having Ana here.
This week has gone very well, except for her saying she likes daddy's because
she gets more stuff. I have her writing 10 good things and 10 bad
things about here and daddy's tomorrow as soon as she finishes breakfast.
Instead
of sending an extra payment to Wayne's credit card, we bought him a birthday
present. He got his Voodoo graphics card. It's supposed to
make all the graphics on his computer better.
12:03 am
Happy New Year's! Lots of
fireworks and sparklers, some gunshots, no sign of the Y2K virus yet.
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