Except us. Kitties cannot have chocolate because it is very bad for us. Roses are fun to play with, but catnip mousies are better. Humans seem to have a great deal of difficulty with relationships, so we (Romulus, Remus, and Archimedes) have decided to give some advice.

Having a good relationship with your human is very important if you expect to get treats. You will have to treat your human very well.

1. Make the cute face a lot. Humans love the cute face. Make sure to be looking at the biggest sucker in the whole house when you make the cute face. Especially if the sucker is in charge, like my Momma. When Momma thinks I am particularly cute, she gives me a treat and makes Daddy give me one too.

2. Make the humans think the other cats are picking on you. Never start a scuffle when the human is looking. Make sure to act pitiful and let yourself be thumped when your human is in the room. This is always good for a chin rub and maybe some Pounce treats.

3. Look sad right after you puke the biggest hairball in feline history. Make sure to act like the hairball remedy is the grossest thing you ever had to lick off your paw. Your human will feel guilty and give you some peanut butter.

4. Lick your human's face when they feel bad. They don't wash themselves enough, anyway, and they seem to find it endearing.

5. Rub up against visitors to your house like no one has pet you for days. This is sure to make your human feel that you have been neglected, even if you're not.

6. Protect the house from interlopers. Humans are very impressed when you display your Paws of Death in defense of your territory.

If you have not been getting enough attention lately, you are probably not sexy enough. I'm too sexy for my tail... too sexy for my tail... too sexxy...

My tail is magnificent even when it has got soap in it. I wish Momma would stop telling that story. While not everyone can have a magnificent, foofy tail like mine, there are lots of ways to get attention.

1. Groom yourself constantly. This insures that you will look very beautiful while you pretend to nap so everyone can admire you.

2. Trounce all the other cats that live in your house when the humans are looking. Momma makes loud noises when I do this, but Daddy picks me up and rubs my belly. Daddy is so fond of me after I have proved what a good fighter I am that he does not put me down until I meow "uncle" and Momma makes him let me go.

3. Run out the front door at every opportunity. The humans will chase you until you go back in the house or let them catch you. You may get kisses if you are caught.

4. Watch to see where humans put small objects, like hair ties, and then get one and run off with it. The humans will go crazy trying to keep you from knocking it under the refrigerator before they can get it away from you.

5. Always run through doors just as humans are about to close them. Try to do this unnoticed, then meow pitifully when you have had enough time to explore. This makes the humans feel guilty to have shut you into the attic or out in the hall and you will get lots of loving. Do not do this when the humans are about to leave for work, or there will be no one around to open the door for you when you get bored.

Momma says that humans do all kinds of dumb stuff because of something we don't have to worry about because we are neutered. When you are neutered you have to take pills. Taking pills is poop.

Meghan's Rules for Relationships

1. Never lie.
2. Never embarrass the other person.
3. If you can't talk to him, don't sleep with him.
4. This is not a game. He has feelings and so do you.
5. If you don't feel good about the relationship, leave. (see rules for breaking up.)
6. No whining.
7. Treat the other person and yourself with respect.
8. Don't start fights in public. (see rule 2.)
9. No hitting.
10. Never lie.

Meghan's Rules for Breaking Up

1. All Rules for Relationships apply.
2. Never on a birthday/holiday/special occasion. (see Rules for Relationships #2)
3. Never at a party. (see Rules for Relationships #2)
4. Never at a restaurant. (see Rules for Relationships #2)
5. Preferably in person.
6. Don't lie.
7. Don't explain.
8. Mean it.

Momma says that people confuse sex and love. She says we don't have to worry about this because in addition to being neutered, we are self-centered. I think that means that we are wonderful and everyone loves us.

She also says that people who think they have a relationship just because they have sex are not going to be happy. I think they should all groom their tails and look cute. Momma says they'd be better off if they knew how to communicate.

Meghan's Rules for Casual Sex

1. No means no.
2. Be safe.
3. Don't lie.
4. No means no.

Momma says these rules are just so no one gets hurt. Lyin' is dumb. I never lie. Momma says the only reason I don't lie is because I can't talk, and that I try to fool her all the time but she is too smart for me. That's what she thinks. I think that no means I look cute and should try again when no one is looking. Momma says if I were a human, I'd be in jail.

Now that Momma is married, she does not need most of these rules, so she said we could give them to you. She says she was not using most of them before she got married anyway, but that the Rules for Relationships are only a loan because she still needs them.

Rom, Remus, and Archimedes have given relationship advice to people.