You may recall that in late June, I posted on this board an explanation of
why I was not a Christian. I listed a bunch of my problems with accepting
Christianity and invited people to tell me why I was mistaken about the
religion. Thankfully, several people did reply with lots of things for me
to think about -- things which helped me change my mind about Christianity.
No one thing made me decide to accept Christianity. I was influenced by
Christian rock, replies I received on the boards, and other things that
happened in my life which made me change my perspective, signs which made me
realize God's presence. Now that I have changed my mind about Christianity,
I thought it might be fun for me to post a "rebuttal" to my own arguments
from back in June (since I'd saved most of the posts in that thread).
Back then I wrote: "I'm the kind of person who doesn't drink, doesn't
smoke, doesn't swear, etc., without being a Christian to think that way.
I've said that I believed in goodness, more than God; that I was a follower
of what I see as "goodness.""
When I wrote that, I thought of myself as an "upholder of the good," one who
was just as good as any Christian but who got there without religion. But
looking back on that now, I see that I had a very limited view of goodness.
And that the Christian perspective is one that I want to follow, even though
it demands more out of me.
There is a difference between trying to adhere to an abstract idea of
Goodness (as I was doing) and trying to "walk with Christ." I had thought
that because I was basically a good person from outward appearances that my
philosophy was just as good as a Christian's philosophy. But when I felt
that way was usually when I was content, sitting back in a chair and calmly
reflecting, just as I'm doing now. I conveniently forgot about what
thoughts flew through my head during moments of stress, anger, jealousy, you
name it. Okay, they are just thoughts, but they can perhaps influence
behavior. But we comfort ourselves saying, "Well, the difference between me
and a postal worker who goes nuts is that I would never actually act out of
anger, etc. that way, that my bad thoughts would not influence my behavior."
But I think it can, perhaps in small ways, such as the way we treat other
people or treat ourselves. Do we live up to our obligations after feeling
screwed over by somebody or something, or do we secretly try to look for a
way to get a little revenge?
Before becoming a Christian, when I had bad thoughts, I was vaguely aware
that my thoughts were not helpful to the kind of Good person that I'd always
tried to be, and always thought of myself as, but hey I was too stressed out
to care. I still have the bad thoughts, but now that I consider myself a
Christian, I am more aware of them, and try to look for ways in which I can
not listen to those bad thoughts. Thinking "what would Jesus do" is one
way. Thinking "how does God want me to be, how can I best serve God?" is
another way to try to overcome the bad thoughts and not let them influence
one's actions, even if they seem like such little things. For example,
recently at work my boss asked me if I could work another worker's day shift
instead of my afternoon shift, so the other worker could attend a picnic
that day. So, I said sure. But when the day arrived, I felt myself coming
down with a cold and had only had a few hours sleep. I knew that I could
probably get through work that day, but I debated whether I should just call
in sick. Then I reminded myself that I was a Christian. I felt that I
wanted to set a good example because of that, even though no one at my work
knows my religion. I also felt that I needed to trust more in God, and that
if I tried to fulfill my obligations, then God would take care of the rest.
I wonder if I would have gone into work that morning if I still had believed
only in an abstract concept of Goodness, as opposed to a very real God?
When I first started to realize that my bad thoughts were not consistent
with my smug satisfaction at supposedly being a "good person," I was unaware
of Jesus' teaching on "bad thoughts." In the gospel of Matthew, Jesus
explains:
"You have heard that it was said to the people long ago, 'Do not murder, and
anyone who murders will be subject to judgment.' But I tell you that anyone
who is angry with his brother will be subject to judgment." (5:21-22) "You
have heard that it was said, 'Do not commit adultery.' But I tell you that
anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with
her in his heart." (5:27-28) (NIV)
So, in other words, Jesus is letting us know that we shouldn't feel like we
are "good" people just because we haven't broken any of the 10 Commandments.
Because all of us, being human, have sinned in our hearts, and that's why we
are all sinners and need Jesus to forgive our sins. They may seem like
small sins, but it is all sin in God's view. When I worshipped an abstract
Goodness, I didn't see that deeply into things, so when I saw a Christian
and saw that they were trying to be "good" like me, I thought that I didn't
need God to try and be good like those people evidently did. Now I realize
that I wasn't looking deep enough, not really trying hard enough to be a
good enough person for God.
I just got done reading Matthew today (just started Mark), so here's another
perhaps-relevant bit from Matthew. Jesus tells a few Parables such as the
Parable of the Talents (25: 14-30) which I'm not sure I really understand,
but which seem to suggest that God wants us to take what we are given, and
to make it better. The master who has one of his servants hold on to his 5
talents (money) is delighted to find that the servant has doubled the amount
by putting his money to work. But the servant who had 1 talent simply
buried it in the ground, to give it back when the master returned, instead
of finding a way to increase the amount like the favored servants had. The
master is displeased by this servant because he could have increased the
amount simply by putting it in the bank and letting it gain interest.
To me, this parable is about how can we serve God best. And we serve Him
best by doing the extra things to make things better, instead of simply just
maintaining the staus quo. I don't really know the meaning of the parable,
but I can relate to it in a way. When I followed an abstract concept of
Goodness, my focus was basically just upon myself. As long as I felt I was
good, and satisfied with that, then that was all that I really cared about.
I didn't try to persuade people to follow "Goodness" as I saw it. But now
that I have become a Christian, I am starting to think more about other
people as well as myself. (In Matthew 22: 39, Jesus says that the 2nd
greatest commandment, after "Love God" is "Love your neighbor as yourself.")
I think now that my old way of simply following an abstract Goodness was
like burying something in the sand and then I could say to God at the end of
my life, "Well, God, I stayed Good." As great as that is, it's not good
enough for God. I need to do more to serve God, and I probably didn't even
really realize that before today.
Back in late June, I said that I couldn't see myself as becoming a Christian
because I thought the God of the Bible was unjust, for sending good people
to Hell simply because they didn't accept Jesus. Well, I hope that I have
explained why I don't think simply being "good" is good enough for God, but
even with that, I agree with those replies I received to my original post
that said we don't really know who is going to Hell for sure. All we can do
is try our best to serve God on this earth and trust in Him.
Back in June, I thought that becoming a Christian meant becoming
"brainwashed" and that "I'd rather join the martyrs in Hell who have stood
up for questioning and skepticism than the brainwashed zombies in Heaven."
But as was explained to me in a reply or two, the Bible is full of people
who questioned God. Not all Christians agree on everything. And, as
someone had said, God doesn't want us to be baaaing sheep, he wants us to
use our minds. (Again, Jesus considered the greatest commandment to be
"Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and all
your mind," emphasis mine.)
Anyway, one of my favorite scenes in Matthew (14: 22-36) is when the
disciples see Jesus walking on the water and Peter goes out of the boat to
walk to him. Peter starts walking on the water to Jesus, at his invitation,
but then Peter becomes afraid and starts sinking, shouting "Lord, save me!"
Jesus grabs Peter and pulls him up, saying "You of little faith, why did you
doubt?" That's a great scene because on one hand it appeals on the simple
level of slapstick; I can't help but chuckle at the frightened expression
Peter must have had on his face when he realized he was actually walking on
water. Kinda reminds me of Wily E. Coyote running off a cliff, stop in
mid-air for several seconds, and holds up a "Help!" sign before he plummets
to the ground!
On the other hand, the scene is symbolic of a lot of things. Like how we
need Jesus to save us. Like how we need to trust in Jesus and put aside our
doubts if we want to achieve the impossible. (Faith is so powerful, Jesus
says elsewhere in that gospel, that it can move mountains.) We need to keep
our eyes on Jesus if we want to "walk with Jesus." "Walking with Jesus" is
gonna be hard, not easy, and we always risk sinking if we don't keep
trusting in Jesus. Doubt, lack of faith in Jesus, can cause us to
symbolically sink (i.e., to sin, to not rise above, etc.).
This scene of Peter having doubts shows that since we are humans, we are
going to doubt. We can't help ourselves. I even have doubts about whether
my intentions for being a Christian are totally right or whether I decided
to be one for some wrong reason (selfishness, wanting to join a bandwagon,
whatever). I even have doubts when I'm praying sometimes, whether I'm doing
it for real or whether I'm just doing it for "show," to convince myself that
I'm a "real Christian." So, I just keep praying until I'm sure that I've
confessed all my doubts and keep praying until it's really real. Sometimes
I'll stop and wonder if God really is real, but thankfully I am reminded of
the things that have happened in my life to indicate for me that God really
is real.
(A little bit more on that topic: Sometimes things happen in our lives,
which seem like coincidences or something. Before becoming a Christian, I
didn't give too much thought about why things happened in my life the way
they happened. Now I wonder more why things happen in my life when they do,
and sometimes it feels strongly to me like God making his prescence known in
my life. My mind has been blown by how God has thrown surprises into my
life. To give one example, I was afraid that my becoming a Christian would
affect my friendship with my family, which is not religious. That I might be
viewed as weird. Well, as soon as I told two of my sisters that I had
decided to become a Christian, they admitted that they, too, were interested in spirituality and so on. I had thought one of them was an Atheist, and so I
was totally blown away when she said was interested in going to church. And my other
sister, who babysits a third sister's child, decided that the child ought
to know about the Bible and bought a Baby's First Bible to read to her. To
cite another recent example of what I believe to be God working in my life,
I recently had regretted that I was no longer in contact with a Christian
girl who I went to high school with, and whom I'd last seen around six or
seven years ago. Well, I happened to run into her at a park and exchanged
phone numbers with her. What are the chances? Now I put nothing past the
power of God to achieve.)
I used to be so concerned with whether the God of the Bible was a "just God"
or not. Thanks to a great post by Greg Hatcher on MacQ's board several
weeks ago, I learned that God is not simply just, but He is merciful. Greg
explained that if God were just, then Greg might not still be here alive
after what he had gone through, but that instead God was merciful. I never
really knew what "grace" meant until recently. Judging by the context in
which I see the word used, it refers to that quality of mercy that God
possesses which shields us from harm. Stephen King remarked recently that
it was only by God's grace that the driver who hit him didn't kill him.
It's by God's grace that I'm still here, too... that you are here, too, dear
reader.
I titled this post "Why I'm a Christian" but I don't think I covered all the
reasons. The reasons are still being formed, and will continue to be
formed. It's a process of growing, and I'm still just learning, thanks to
MacQ's generous gift of a Bible for me to read and learn. If there's
anything else you want to know, just ask. I'm posting this on both the
Community board and MacQ's board since traffic is a lot slower there.