Here is a synopsis of my play Expecting the Worst. 
It was produced by our local theatre company in the fall 
of 1997. I directed it, even though I knew that could be 
dangerous but the cast was fantastic and we built the play 
together. It was well recieved by 12 packed houses and got 
a good review in the local newspaper. Here is part of it.

      The Peterborough Examiner sept 27th 1997.
          GUILD OPENER KEEPS 'EM LAUGHING 

The Peterborough Theatre Guild's premiere, EXPECTING THE WORST, 
had a packed house howling with laughter last night. 
If the playwright was watching the rows of people laughing 
out loud, he had every reason to be proud. Playwright 
Robert Ainsworth both wrote and directed EXPECTING THE WORST. 
while the play was an unqualified success last night, 
a playwright can never lose by handing his work over to a 
director he respects. Sometimes the roles of creator and 
director must be mutually exclusive. In the meantime, however, 
if you want a good old-fashioned night out at the theatre, 
visit this Theatre Guilds production.
              Jane Bow: theatre reviewer

ACT 1

SCENE 2

LIGHTS UP

It is a few days later. Steve is in the kitchen and the 
telephone rings, he goes over and
answers it.


STEVE
Hello. . . .Oh mom, hi. What am I doing? I’m just hanging 
out here at the apartment, why?. . . . . . . . . Okay, 
okay I’ll ask you, what are you doing? . . . . . . 
You’re what?. . .where? THE BUS STATION! This bus station!
. . Here bus station. . here. But. . . You’re 
supposed to be coming tomorrow! You said the 21st. 
(He goes over to the calendar) 
I’m looking at the calendar right now and it says the. . 
. .21st.
(Realizing that he had forgotten the correct day.) . . 
 Alright! Okay! I’m coming, I’ll be there in 5 minutes. 
(He replaces the receiver)
Oh No! 
(He quickly dials another number)
Pat! Answer the phone! Don’t be out, please be in. . . 
STEVE(CONT’)
Damn!  
(Replacing the phone)

DAMN! 
STEVE EXITS

ENTER MAX

As he leaves he slams the door. Max comes out of the 
bedroom. He has obviously just gotten up. He is wearing 
a T-shirt and boxer shorts. He walks over to the fridge 
and takes out the jug of milk. He is just about to drink 
from the jug when he looks around first to make sure 
Steve isn’t there and he drinks from the jug. There is a 
knock at the door. He goes over and answers it. 

MAX
(Seeing Pat standing there holding a large garbage bag 
of clothes)
Hey Buddy, it’s the garbage man.

ENTER PAT.

PAT
Very funny Max! Where’s Steve? 

MAX
I don’t know, do I look like his keeper? 

PAT
No, HE looks like the keeper, you look like the baboon.

MAX
(He turns around and bends over)
Do I have a red bum?

PAT
You will have in a minute.

MAX
Oooh Patricia, does Steve know you’re into spanking! 
This is going to be an interesting marriage. 

PAT
Do you know where he is or not?

MAX
No idea, why, what you got there? 
(He goes over and looks into the bag)

PAT
It’s just that bag of Sue’s clothes. I thought I’d better 
fill up the closets with them for when his mother arrives 
tomorrow, at least make it look like he’s married. 

MAX
(Pulling out a blond wig)
Hey, you left one of your hairpiece’s in here.

PAT
That’s Sue’s, don’t you remember that time when she met 
Steve 
from work wearing that, he was really mad.

MAX
(He puts the wig on)
Hey, what’s the difference between a blond and a brick?

PAT
I don’t know.

MAX
A brick doesn’t follow you around for a week after you’ve 
laid it.

PAT
(Not amused)	
Ha, ha. 

MAX
(Still wearing the wig and looking in the bag)
You say this is the stuff Steve brought Sue when they were 
together?

PAT
Yeah.

MAX
God, no wonder she left him! Look at this. . . .
(He pulls out a dress)
You do realize of course, that you have to wear this stuff 
while Mommy’s here.

PAT
I am not wearing that! Look at it! 

MAX
(Sarcastically)
What are you talking about, it’s lovely.

PAT
You wear it then.

MAX
(Putting it on)
Okay!

PAT
What are you doing? Max, Steve could be back any minute.
(Max stands there wearing the wig and the dress.)

MAX
What do you think? 

PAT
(Playing along)
Hm, there’s something missing. 

She goes over to the bag and pulls out two pairs of socks 
that are rolled up and Max sticks them down his front to 
make a breast. 

PAT(CONT’)
There, that’s better. 
(She laughs at him)
Oh God Max, you look great! 

MAX
(Putting on a voice)
Please, call me Sue.

PAT
Sorry, Sue. Hey, you’ve got to show Steve, he’ll crack up. 

MAX
Oh yeah, right. If he saw me like this he’d have second 
thoughts about me moving in. 

PAT
He’s already had second thoughts about that! 
(She goes over to the door)
Hold on, we’ve got to make this look really good. I’m 
going upstairs to get some makeup! 

MAX
I’m not wearing makeup.

PAT
Oh come on, don’t be a spoilsport! God, that dress is ugly, 
it’s big enough for two.

PAT EXITS

MAX
(Looking at the dress)
It IS big enough for two. 
(Has an idea)Hey! 
(He picks up a pillow and rushes into the kitchen to stuff 
it under up his dress. We cannot see yet because he is 
behind the counter. He laughs to himself as he does it)

Max hears Steve outside of the door putting his key in. He 
bends down behind the counter.  

STEVE
Here we are, home sweet home.

ENTER STEVE AND EDITH.

MAX
(Popping up from behind the counter) 
Hi Honey buns. 
(Seeing them, he is shocked)
Oh!

STEVE
Oh God! 

EDITH
Hello, you must be Susan.

MAX
What?

ENTER PAT

She is unaware that Steve and Edith are there.

PAT
Oh Sue dear, I’ve brought the make up to help you look 
beautif . .Oh hello.

STEVE
Er, mother, this is Patricia, our neighbor.

EDITH
Hello dear. 

PAT
(Nervous) 
Hello again.

EDITH
(To Max)
Susan, I have been so excited about meeting you. 

SUE/MAX
Oh really. 

PAT
I should get back upstairs, I think there’s something 
about to boil over.

EDITH
Bye dear.

PAT EXITS QUICKLY.

EDITH
Now come here and give your mother-in-law a big hug.

SUE/MAX
Er’ no thank you, I er’ have a cold. 

EDITH
(She walks over to him) 
Oh don’t be silly, let me take a good look at you. Oh! 
(She now sees that Sue looks pregnant. )
Oh, my goodness! Oh Stephen! Why didn’t you tell me?

STEVE
Tell you? Tell you what?

EDITH
(She leads Max out from behind the counter.)
That I’m going to be a grandmother of course! 

STEVE
(Shocked, he falls onto the couch.) 
Oh shit 

EDITH
When are you due dear?

SUE/MAX
Due?. . . Do what?

EDITH
The baby of course. Stephen, I can’t believe you didn’t 
tell me.

SUE/MAX
Er’ Steve, I think you need to tell. . . . .

STEVE
Hello sweetheart! How are you feeling?

SUE.MAX
Sweetheart? . .. I feel sick, I think I need to lie down. 
(He walks over to the bedroom)

EDITH
Oh dear.


STEVE
(Going over to Max.)
Right, you go and lie down, Sue dear, you do look a bit 
flushed. 
(Max puts his fist up to him as Steve puts him in the 
bedroom)

EDITH
Stephen, do you think she’s alright?

STEVE
She’s fine Mom, fine. . .  would you like a tea?

MAX
No I would not. I want you to come here, you have a lot 
of explaining to do young man. 
(She sits down.)

STEVE
(Nervous)
Oh, right.

EDITH
Everything has suddenly become very clear to me. 

STEVE
It has? What do you mean?

EDITH
For months now, I have been struggling with the idea of 
you getting married and I knew nothing about it until 
after the fact. No invitation to the wedding, not even a 
phone call, now I know why! Stephen why didn’t you tell?
 
STEVE
Er’ I was. . . .

EDITH
Am I really that unapproachable that you can not tell your 
own mother that you HAD to get married? 

STEVE
No, I. . . .just didn’t want to trouble you that’s all.


EDITH
Trouble me! When were you planning on troubling me about 
it? Or were you planning on keeping it from me forever? 
Hiding my grandchild in the back bedroom maybe?

STEVE
Of course not, I’m sorry. We were going to call you and 
tell you about it after it came out.

EDITH
After what came out?

STEVE
The .  .the baby.

EDITH
Stephen, she’s giving birth to a human being, not having 
her gall Stones out! 

STEVE
I know, I didn’t mean . .

EDITH
And how do you expect to take care of this little one, 
financially?

STEVE
I have a good job.

EDITH
You're a house painter Stephen not an engineer.

STEVE
That's an interior decorator, and I happen to like my work.

EDITH
That doesn't surprise me in the least. You were always 
messing with tins of paint when you were young, getting 
more on you than anywhere else I might add. Of course, 
I had visions of you becoming a banker, or at least working 
for yourself like your cousin, Shelton.

STEVE
Shelton sells AM WAY Mother.

EDITH
It doesn't matter how he's doing it, he's proving himself, 
that's what's important, and instead of envying him, you 
should do something about it.

STEVE
I do not envy Shelton, I just can’t stand him.

EDITH
You are talking about a sweet, sweet young man, who 
happens to love his mother, your aunt Lucy, very much. And 
I’m sure if he was about to have a child, he wouldn’t keep 
it from his mother.

STEVE
I would think that would be very hard to do, considering 
his partner’s name is Arnold! 

EDITH
I don’t want to talk about that anymore.

STEVE
Okay! Look, mom, let's not spend this week arguing, please.

EDITH
What are you talking about? I'm fine, it was you who 
brought up your financial problems.

STEVE
Right. Truce?

EDITH
Hm. Oh, come here, let me have a look at you. Closer, 
my eyes are getting worse. 
(He goes to her and she stands and looks at him disappointed)
Well, you're getting your father’s build. Still, you have 
the Pettyworth  looks, that's something I suppose.  My 
side of the family are renowned for their looks. Yes, 
you're a Pettyworth all right. (Loud whisper.)
Let’s hope the baby is too.

STEVE
What do you mean?

EDITH
Well, you don’t know these days. All of that free love going 
on all over the place. It’s typical of young people today to 
have more than one partner.

STEVE
Mother, Max. . . .Sue is not your “typical” kind of Girl. 
She’s. . . special.

EDITH
Well, that’s good to hear. I just hope you look after your 
wife better than your father looked after me.

STEVE
Yes mother.

EDITH
I remember meeting your father's parents for the first time. 
Nice, but absolutely no breeding. Well, you know your 
grandparents. I should have up and left your father right 
there and then.

STEVE
Why didn't you?

EDITH
I couldn't.  I felt sorry for him. I thought I could change 
his personality, or at least give him one. But after 
fifteen years I gave up. They say a leopard can't change his 
spots. Never a truer word spoken.

STEVE
Look, I’ll go in and check on Sue, why don't I show you your 
room? You can unpack or something. 
(He picks up her luggage and takes it into the other bedroom)

EDITH
Oh, all right, but call me as soon as she comes out, I need 
to talk to her. (She goes to the bedroom)
Oh, lovely. 
(Steve shuts her door, then goes over and tries to go into 
his room but it’s locked, he knocks on the door)

STEVE
Sue dear, it's me. Open the door. 
(Loud whisper)
Max! She’s in the bedroom, I’ve locked her door, open up. 
(Max opens the door)

MAX
Steve!

STEVE
Look Max.

MAX
How the hell did I end up as your wife? 

STEVE
Don’t blame me! You’re the one who was dressed like that when 
we came in. Which incidentally, I am almost afraid to ask you 
about.

EDITH
It was supposed to be a joke!

STEVE
HA! Who’s laughing now! 

MAX
I thought she wasn’t coming until tomorrow!

STEVE
So did I, I must have screwed up or something.

MAX
I’m just starting to realize just how proficient you are at 
doing that.

STEVE
What! You’re the one standing there with a pillow stuck up 
your 
dress!

MAX
I’m not doing this Buddy, I’m not playing at being your 
prego wife for the next 5 days. 


STEVE
Why not? She’s already convinced. It’s just going to mean 
playing along for a little while that’s all. 

MAX
You have asked me to do some strange things in the past but 
this one really takes the cake!

STEVE
Max, you look great, you’d fool your own mother.

MAX
It’s not my mother I’m trying to fool. And what would I tell 
Jackie if she comes over here?

STEVE
Make damn sure she doesn’t!

MAX
No, Steve, it ain’t gonna work!

STEVE
Look, I’m desperate here.

MAX
Huh! Look who’s desperate now!

STEVE
Okay, . . . you can stay here for the as long as you like.

MAX
What?

STEVE
Do this for me and you can stay here as long as you have to.

MAX
Seriously?

STEVE
Yeah, seriously.


MAX
I don’t have to leave in two weeks?. . . . Hmmm, tempting. . . ..Okay, I’ll do it.

STEVE
Right. Where is it?

MAX
Where’s what?

STEVE
(Max looks confused.)
The. .the bulge you had. 

MAX
I’ve got news for you, I still have a bulge but you have no 
idea how difficult it is hiding it.

STEVE
I don’t mean that, I mean the big bulge!

MAX
Excuse me!

STEVE
The pillow!

MAX
Oh, it’s on the bed.

STEVE
Put it back in there and come out and talk to her.

Edith calls from the bedroom.

EDITH	(V.O)
Stephen! Stephen, I can’t open the door.

MAX
I can’t talk to her.
 
STEVE
You have to! You can’t spend the next five days stuck in 
here. 

EDITH	(V.O)
Stephen!
		
MAX
I should never have agreed to do this. . . I'm going to 
throw up!

STEVE
(Trying to be funny)
Maybe it's morning sickness.