WEDDING & MARRIAGE HUMOR - I'm not the kind-of guy who objects to my wife having the last word. I'd just wish to hell she'd get to it!

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?What's the difference between a blonde and a telephone? Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, a dumb blonde, and a smart blonde are walking down the street when they spot a $10 bill. Who picks it up? How many blondes does it take to change a light bulb? WEDDING & MARRIAGE HUMOR

"The thrill is gone from my marriage," Brian told his best friend Mike.
"Why not add some intrigue to your life, and have an affair?" his friend suggested.
"But what if my wife finds out?"
"Heck, we are almost on the begining of the 21st centrury, Brian. Go ahead and tell her about it!"
So Brian went home and said, "Dear, I think an affair will bring us closer together."
"Forget it," said his wife. "I've tried that many times - it never worked."

Dear, did you hear about new doll,
Divorce Barbie? It comes with all of
Ken's stuff!

I'm not the kind-of guy who objects to my wife having the last word. I'd just wish to hell she'd get to it !

I never could stand Melvin, Why I married him I'll never know. And for seventeen miserable years I have said Melvin has got to go! I tried poisoning cakes, Stripping his brakes, salting his pork chops with lime. Wiring his chair, Igniting his hair even though playing with fire is a crime. But, I failed at each plot, Till I suddenly thought of a way that would set me free! I got rid of him for good, and, know what? They can't do a thing to me! I took him back to Wal-Mart! They'll take anything back you know! They said they couldn't recall selling him, But they must have if I said so. They just credited him to my Visa, and said, "Ya'll come back now, 'ya hear?" They were so nice, polite, pleasant and insistent, I will! I'll take back his mother next year! They'll take anything back at Wal-Mart, Though it's broken or rotten or sweet. And know what else? This time of year? You don't even need a receipt!

The newly married man came home from work to find his new bride stretched languorously on the sofa, dressed in a negligee. "Guess what I got planned for dinner?" she asked seductively. "And don't you dare tell me you hadit for lunch today."	Husband and wife were watching a romantic scene on TV decipting a man and woman reminiscing about the day of the week that they first met, had their first kiss and his proposal, when husband quickly interjected, "What day is today?" Thinking he was remembering their special days, she said, "Why do you ask?" "I was just wondering," he replied, "if tonight is garbage night."

After attending a dinner, husband and wife were discussing the food. Remembering the fruit dish, he said, "My favourite was the amnesia." "That's ambrosia," corrected his wife "Oh, yeah," he replied. "I always forget the name of that dish.	A husband and wife were shopping when the wife said, "Darling, its my mothers birthday tomorrow. What shall we buy for her?" "She would like something electric." The husband replied, "How about a chair?!?"

After the party, as the couple was driving home, the woman asks her husband, "Honey has anyone ever told you how handsome, sexy and irresistible to women you are?" The flattered husband said, "No dear they haven't." The wife yells, "Then what the hell gave you THAT idea at the party tonight???"	A woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets and a ruby pendant." "But you are not wearing any of those things." "I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go nuts looking for the jewelry."

A man phones home from his office and tells his wife, "Something has just come up. I have the chance to go fishing for a week. Its the opportunity of a lifetime. We leave right away. So pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and especially my blue silk pajamas. I'll be home in an hour to pick them up." He goes home in a hurry and grabs everything and rushes off. A week later he returns. His wife asks: "Did you have a good trip, Dear?" He says: "Oh yes, the fishing was great, but you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas." His wife smiles and says, "Oh, no I didn't, I put them in your tackle box."	An elderly widow and widower were dating for about five years. The man finally decided to ask her to marry. She immediately said "yes". The next morning when he awoke, he couldn't remember what her answer was! "Was she happy? I think so, wait, no, she looked at me funny..." After about an hour of trying to remember to no avail, he got on the telephone and gave her a call. Embarrassed, he admitted that he didn't remember her answer to the marriage proposal. "Oh", she said, "I'm so glad you called. I remembered saying 'yes' to someone, but I couldn't remember who it was."

My wife sez that I'm too extravagant; that if anything ever happens to her, I'll have to beg. I told her I'd be fine. I mean look at all the experience I've got.	Staggering in from their tenth anniversary dinner, the besotted husband collapsed in a chair and let out a stentorian belch. "That's it George ! I've had it this time. " his wife screamed. "I'm cutting you off forever." "That's impossible," he replied, "you don't even know where I'm getting it."

On the evening of their wedding night, a young couple finally retired to their hotel room. After making her preparations, Margaret, the bride left the bathroom to find Harold, the bridegroom, praying. "So what are you doing?" she asked. "I'm praying for guidance," answered the religious young man. "I'll take care of that," she replied. "You pray for endurance."	A woman goes to her doctor complaining that she is exhausted all the time. After the diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor gets around to asking her how often she has intercourse. "Every Monday, Wednesday, and Saturday," she says. The doctor advises her to cut out Wednesday. "I can't," says the woman. "That's the only night I'm home with my husband."

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As US tourists in Israel, a man and his wife were sitting outside a Bethlehem souvenir shop, waiting for fellow tourists. An Arab salesman approached them carrying belts. After an impassioned sales talk yielded no results, he asked where they were from. "America," the husband replied.
Looking at her dark hair and olive skin, the Arab responded. "She's not from the States." "Yes I am." said the wife.
He looked at her and asked. "Is he your husband?"
"Yes." she replied.
Turning to the husband, he offered..... "I'll give you 100 camels for her."
The husband looked stunned, and there was a long silence. Finally he replied, "she's not for sale." After the salesman left, the somewhat indignant wife asked her husband what took him so long to answer, to which the husband replied, "I was trying to figure out how to get 100 camels back home."

Advice for a Happy Marriage : From Miss Dietz's Third-Grade Class
by Debi Dietz Crawford (Editor), Debi Dietz-Crawford

When the author was on her honeymoon, her Telluride, Colorado, her third grade class put together a booklet they called Advice for a Happy Marriage to present to her when she returned. In it are musings ranging from the truly wise to the uproariously funny. Now, Dietz Crawford shares these nuggets of wisdom with readers everywhere. 20 color illustrations.

How to Commit Monogamy : A Lighthearted Look at Long-Term Love - by Elaine Viets

How To Commit Monogamy is a humorous look at the historical changes in the perception and reality of monogamy derived from Elaine Viets' childhood in the button-down '50s, to her college experiences in the turbulent '60s and '70s, to her professional career during the '80s and '90s. Viets delves into the gritty (and hilarious) details of living with another person once the initial flood of romance has subsided to a quiet trickle. As Viets demonstrates, most Americans (80%) are very monogamous -- despite what television and the movies would have us believe!

How to Survive a Jewish Mother
by R. Steven Arnold, Cliff Carle (Editor), Bob Nelson (Illustrator)

Here's what people are saying about this book....
"The great American novel. Destined to become a classic. My son, the author, is a genius." -
Anonymous ........ "This book makes the Oedipus Complex seem like puppy love." -Sigmund Fraud ......... "The best self-help book since Final Exit." - Dr. Killvorkian......... "Outside of a French poodle, this book is a Jewish child's best friend. Inside of a French poodle, it's too dark to read." - Grouchy Marx......... "Reading this book could give a non-Jewish mother an inferiority complex." -Mother Superior........ "The Mother of all books." -Sadman Hussein........

How to Survive Being Married to a Catholic
by Michael Henesy, Rosemary Gallagher (Contributor)

An easy to read, non-threatening style that informs without being boring. Covers lots of touchy subjects with sensitivity. Good balance of humor and seriousness, all Catholic adults would enjoy learning about their faith community through this format, one does not have to be married to benefit from this book. The Questions and Answers in each section relate to 'real life'. Excellent book, good for one's personal library.

Dated Jekyll, Married Hyde
by Laura Jensen Walker

This is a lighthearted, humorous look at delighting in those gender differences /idiosyncrasies. This book is a must for any engaged couple! (Or those married 60 years) Laura has touched on so very many of the differences between men and women. Nearly every chapter contains gems that makes one laugh so hard it's difficult to continue. Definetly a must buy!

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