The night was a beautiful one. The kind of night when stars cry out commands to the hearts and bodies of couples in parked cars on back streets. The kind of night when the lonely and lovelorn sit on the roof half-inebriated and wishing. The kind of night where reality follows a path so ancient that even the youngest children knows the trail well. A mere ten light years from the center of the galaxy, Ship Captain Henry J. Gloval stood on the bridge of the space fortress he commanded. All was quiet; he had ordered the bridge hands to leave him be and to give him one last quiet moment alone with the ship he loved. It had served him well, or would, or something like that. The confusions of dimensional travel were a bit much sometimes, even for the commander of one of the few fully realized Super Dimensional Fortresses. "It is ironic," he chuckled to himself as he viewed the giant armada spread before him, "that I was chosen as the leader for this great fleet. For years, many of those devoted to the light spat upon the heroes of the Robotech Wars despite the pain of having our identities, names, and even very ideas changed in the process. But here, at the dire end, they have turned to me, the commander of the greatest Robotech weapon in existence, and not to my Macross counterpart. Truly the greatest irony.' He watched the stars twinkle into existence between the numerous ships. It was a sight that always made him smile. Even here, now a mere seven light years away from the center of the universe and the greatest darkness ever spawned, light could be born. His smile only grew as the stars did until something connected in his brain. "Those aren't stars!" He pressed a button on one of the consoles, sending red lights flashing in a way designed to calm everyone in preparation for the rigors of combat. "Full alert all ships. I need the bridge crew NOW! Pull back everyone! Those aren't stars! THOSE AREN'T**" He gave up when he realized there was absolutely no power left in the consoles, or in anything else for that matter except for the flashing red lights. 'Funny,' he thought as the forward section of the ship began to vaporize before his eyes. 'I never thought the ultimate darkness would be so damn bright.' Kawaikune Team Fighters Opening Song: The Very Masculine Art of Fighting Sung by Christopher Bench voice of Adam Jonathan Don Giovanni voice of Patrick Merry Lynch voice of Ivan Another stormy evening, Another final reckoning The weak are stripped away never to be seen Another lover on the street lost among the city heat Thirsty to the bone and staring into the Giant whirling clouds of destruction Replacing the tears in your eyes Crushing all our hopes for tomorrow Till the pressure makes you cry At the point when only the strong survive (MACHO GUITAR RIFF) Tonight we must only fight Tonight we must shine our light Tonight we can kick some butt Tonight fight for your love It only matters how you look into her eyes At the point when only the strong survive Episode 1: The Wussy Darkness that Loathes The Light Written by the Savant of Unconstant Change Currently Known As Akito Tenkawa Who Can Be Reached At ruri_ruri@yahoo.com It was a peaceful Tuesday like any other. The sun shone down on the cool Earth, coaxing it gently towards spring. Flowers were once again sprouting in the fields, bees and bears were once again in dreaming of retaking the planet from humanity in that half-way state between awake and asleep, and a blue station wagon with wooden paneling was pulling into an empty cracked driveway on a quiet side street. Yes, the swallows had truly left behind Capastrano and had returned to Vienna, a quiet Northern Virginia suburb. The automobile sat in the driveway patiently for a few minutes, gently rocking to some super-techno beat. It revved a little, showing its impatience, and then threw open its doors in sheer rage. A boy jumped and stood on the concrete, the sun shining down on his All-American features. His short length blond hair glinted in the light, and his strong features failed to chisel themselves into memory. Muscles seemed as if they were threatening to bulge underneath a green T-Shirt with a buff shirtless hero drawn on the back. He breathed in the air, taking pleasure in the world around him, and then let out a shout of pure joy. "PATRICK-KUN!!! HYAKU!!! WE'RE GONNA BE LATE FOR ANIME NIGHT!!!" He growled a little in happiness then started as a strange apparition appeared from the haze. It had long hair that seemed almost alive as it ran down its back. Its face was a strange pale shade, with blue eyes that failed to flash in an intimidating manner as it ran towards him. The figure was draped in a heavy red coat with all sorts of bizarre objects falling from the pockets, despite a profuse scent of sweat emaniting from it. "I'm hyakuing, I'm hyakuing, gimme a break Adam," it said as it reached the driver's side of the car. "Patrick no baka!" He grabbed the form and threw it into the car, resulting in a small dent on the passenger side door. "We've only got fifteen minutes to get there." "Okay, I know a short cut," Patrick said as the station wagon pulled out of the driveway. "Turn right at the end of the court." "Hai," the driver said as he turned left. And not too far away at the Anime Parthenon (Where all anime is worshipped freely, except Unico. Down with Unico! Down with Unico!), two mysterious figures were skulking in the stock room. The taller of the two, a Tawainese teenager with black hair parted perfectly to the right side was half-submerged in a box of holy relics. Something lurking in a distant corner of the box caught his eye, and he adjusted his glasses to be sure what he saw was no mere trick of the light. Then, like a hunter stalking prey, he leapt mercilessly on the reluctant prize and dragged it to the surface, where he was rewarded with an amazing treasure. "Sugoii!" he exclaimed. "New Eva wall scrolls. Ones I don't even have, including the one of Rei dressed like an American 1920's gangster leading a bank robbery. She's my favorite." He began a small yet macho victory dance to demonstrate the powerful positive impact the newly discovered wall scroll would make on his life. "I've been looking for it for a long time," he said. "Soon I'll have every piece of Rei memorabilia ever made. After buying this scroll I just need the one of Rei torturing Mickey Mouse." He failed to notice the dark shadow fall over him and his newfound wall scroll, but the guttural angry-yet-lonely voice that followed alerted him to imminent danger. "IIIIIIIIIIIvvvvvaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnn!!!" The teenager spun around, failing to hide the open box of scrolls on the table behind him. "Oh... uhh... Hi Stan! I got here early and so was doing a little shopping-" "How many times have I told you about going in the back room?" "Uhh... blame Jeff." Ivan pointed at the figure that was hunched over in front of a rack of Sailor Moon dolls. "I will kill you both!" The ogrish store manager grabbed a pile of wall scrolls and held them up to the ceiling. "MERCHANDISE WEY-PEN!!!!" Suddenly the wall scrolls morphed into a giant club of anime art. "Chikuso," Ivan muttered underneath the table. Jeff turned around, holding the new Usagi action/dress-up figure in his hand. "Hey Ivan, this is really cool. It does fighting moves if you flip this switch, and you can take its clothes off to... to change it from one mode to another. Do you know how much it is?" "Uhh... Jeff... you might want to run now." "Whyzzat? Oh, hi Stan. AHH!!!" Jeff jumped out of the wayas Stan's club came crashing down onto the rack. Luckily all the Sailor Moon figures managed to evacuate the rack before-hand, so none were harmed. "Good thing they spontaneously came to life, moved, and returned to their normal inanimate state," thought Ivan. "They might have been seriously damaged." "Every week you people come into my store and watch anime," screamed Stan as he chased the hapless otaku about, "and every week I have to put up with this crap!" Suddenly the atmosphere in the room changed, as though a deus-ex-machina was making an entrance. A glowing figure passed through the door. In one hand he held a plastic bag. In the other, nothing. "Hey, everybody, ready to watch some anime? I've got City Hunter TV!" Stan took a few breathes and the club returned to its normal wall scroll state. He seemed calm, despite the wreckage of tables and display racks surrounding him. "Stan like City Hunter." "But Adam and Patrick aren't here yet," Jeff suggested, but as the club began to show signs of reforming he hastily added, "Of course, they never wait for us." Stan sat down in a corner, satisfied. The two teenagers breathed a sigh of relief. Yet again; Krillin, the bearer of anime, had saved their hides. Krillin was a noble philanthropist in the dark age they lived in, a man of many names who shared his vast stores of beauty with the otaku of the Anime Parthenon. Last week, when he had humbly been Keichii, he had nearly taken Stan on single handedly just for the sake of anime. But who was he really? Where did he come from? Why were his handsome yet slightly boyish features enough to win the unwanted hearts of a thousand females the world over? We may never know. As the television was turned on and the opening began, I ceased my endless narration for I, too, like City Hunter. MEANWHILE>>>> BACK WITH ADAM-KUN AND PATRICK-KUN "Another red light. What is this? I never get red lights," the blond yet heroic Adam muttered to himself. "It would appear the gods do not wish us to attend anime night tonight." "Well, after that fiasco last week..." Adam said as he focused his evil eye on the lady doing 25 miles per hour in front of him. "What fiasco?" "Well, lets see, the one where you called Stan a giant hulking Mona Lisa imitation without the well-built figure causing him to try to crush your head with the collected Ranma 1/2 translated into Mandarin Chinese? That's not a fiasco. Nope." Patrick tried to scratch his head, but failed due to his copious amount of hair. "I was misunderstood! I was trying to thank him for hosting Anime Night for us every week at his store." "Lets just hope we get there on time." He looked down at the car clock. "Too late, its already 6:30. Maybe they'll wait for us." "Oh sure, just as long as Tenchi doesn't bring in more City Hunter TV." "Now Patrick, be nice. He hasn't been Tenchi for two months." "He was Tenchi for my first entire month coming here! How was I supposed to know he'd change his name?" "He walked up to you and said, 'Hi, I'm Kagato, OVA version.'" "Would you like it if some random anime fan started talking to you about the guy who killed you after you've been around only three episodes? And when some of these minor newbie villains are lasting eight or ten?" "Not my fault!" "Well, I know how you feel. Sometimes people misunderstand me too. Oh! A song I like!" Adam hastily turned the radio up very loud to drown out Patrick's continued cries. Besides, they were almost at the Anime Parthenon and soon all would be well with the world. Back at the parthenon, City Hunter TV had just started rolling its final credits and the group was in awe. "That was beautiful," Ivan said. "Its been a long time since I've seen something that hit so close to home," Jeff said. "Stan like City hunter," Stan said as he wiped a tear from his bulbous eyes. "The part when he promised to protect her, nobody matter what..." Ivan paused to clean the tears from his glasses. "It was just so sweet." "And then when he crawled into her bed, just to keep a close watch on her... and hid weapons up her skirt so that if something happened she could protect herself... and..." "Stan like City Hunter." "When he shot the guy, I could just feel the great love he has for the entire human race." "Its like... I'm not alone. I'm never alone." "So true... so true." "Stan LIKE City Hunter!" Krillin stopped the tape and turned to the group. He flashed them a winning smile for no reason at all and asked, "So what do you all want to watch next?" "Whatcha got, Krill-baby?" asked Caroline, a random otaku who happened to be the only female in a five mile radius, replied in the deplorable form of a question. "Well.... the Dramatic Ending To The Extensively Long Series We've Been Watching For Nearly Six Months!" As he said this he whipped out a tape from his bag, wrapped in pure silver. "BEHOLD!!! THE END OF FUSHIGI YUUGI!!!" A shout rose up from the crowd so great it would rival the strange sounds coming from the Chinese Restaurant next door, known ominously as Dark Lord's Chinese Food. "Adam! Pull over!" Patrick shouted in the driver's ear as he frantically turned down the radio. "What is it, Patrick? If we don't get there soon we'll probably miss something else. Think about it, the final episode of Fushigi Yuugi is tonight!" "But look!" Patrick pointed out the window at the catatonic form of a boy by the middle of the road. "How can we do anything but stop to help? Besides, since we're doing a good deed the gods will smile upon us and our brothers in anime will wait to watch that long awaited final episode." "Hai." Adam spun the wheel in a manner that brought them miraculously parallel to the side of the road. "Oh my god! It's Little Orphan Timmy!" he cried. "And he's in a coma!" Patrick leapt out of the passenger door. After nearly getting run-over by evening traffic, he ran around to the other side of the car and lifted the limp body of Poor Timmy. He quickly checked for a pulse and other vital signs. "Adam, you know what we have to do!" he shouted as he laid Timmy in the back seat and began various mantras he reserved only for emergencies. "ru-ri-sa-ma..." "Yes! I must use one of my special driving techniques," Adam said as he floored the gas pedal. "ALPHA THETA BUDWEISER KEN!" "Oh my!" said Patrick. "A technique gleaned from ancient lore. The Alpha Theta Budweiser Ken, or Speed of the Drunken Frat-Boy, emulates the celerity with which an inebriated college student goes from female to female in a desperate attempt get some. After much meditation, Adam has mastered using this other worldly speed for other purposes. But even with this powerful special technique can Adam get there in time? I doubt it." "But its just up ahead! Have a little faith in my skills." "Don't talk. Drive!" And at the Anime Parthenon, once again a great series had come to a close. Krillin stood in front of the group and asked the eternal question, "So guys, what did you think of the end of Fushigi Yuugi?" "That changed my life," said Ivan. "It truly spoke the meaning of the series," said Jeff. "Huh?" said Ivan. "Stan like City Hunter," said Stan. "I think we should watch more City Hunter." "It's like life is one big cycle. I feel free to go create something new, true, and beautiful with my life," said Jeff. "Yes. I see now. All the secrets of reality lay before me. Light is darkness, good is evil, right is wrong, foreshadowing is often too blatant to be seen..." said Ivan. "Oh, thank you Krillin. Yet again you have given us a wonderful thing," said the group as a whole. "We will now have a moment of silence in honor of the great things you do for us." 'Too bad Patrick and Adam were late. Oh well,' Jeff thought to himself. "And now that we've finished it, time for the ritual burning of the final episode!" "YEAH!!!!" In the station wagon, Adam and Patrick were resorting to desperate measures to keep up Little Orphan Timmy's vital signs. "Adam, put this in the cassette deck," said Patrick as he handed Adam an unlabeled tape. "This is the best I can do for now." The driver put in the cassette and the car was filled with the mighty vocalizations of the song Love Panic. "Its my favorite Ranma 1/2 song. I recorded it off of my television along with the rest of the tape. It even has that song the catgirls strip to during Tank Police." "Cool. That should do the job." For those who have not read the ill-fated prequel to this documentary, entitled "Little Orphan Timmy, the Saddest Tale of All Otakudom," Little Orphan Timmy was the saddest tale of all otakudom, yet also a tribute to the great and wonderful healing powers of anime. When Little Orphan Timmy was but a wee lad of three years old, his parents were launched into the airless vacuum of a near-Earth orbit from the suburban office of their Computer Repair store in a freak accident. Poor Timmy fell through the societal cracks and ended up living up on the streets, alone and an alcoholic until he reached the age of six years old. That was when anime found him in the form of a mysterious benefactor named John the Masked Otaku. This mysterious man swept up Poor Timmy in one of the rare turns of good fortune in his life and showed him the way to the Anime Parthenon. Now, at the ripe old age of nine Little Timmy still lived on the streets but thanks to Anime Night every Tuesday he has found the will to live. The rest of the attendees all feel for his situation though, and are more than willing to help out to buy merchandise to put on the walls of his small Zenith brand cardboard box. But will all this come to an end now, in the back seat of Adam's car? Is there any hope at all? "Yes! We're here. Patrick, you get Poor Timmy and I'll go hold the door open for you." "Right!" And inside the store... Krillin wiped the sweat from his brow. The ritual burning of the final episode tape was always an exciting and emotional event for him. The forbidden opening of the cassette. The fire on the plastic. The dancing. The appeal to Anikami, the god of anime, for a good year of imports. Even now, sitting alone on the table next to the television, he watched the others and smiled. But that smile masked a deeper sadness, something hiddenfrom even his closest friends. It was a memory of another time, another place, another final episode. A fire, and running just a little to late... A name. "Ryo...." A sudden shout interrupted his thoughts. He wiped tears from his eyes as he took stock of the situation. The blond one, Adam, was pounding Jeff and Ivan repeatedly with a large mallet. Rating: Unimportant. Patrick was there. He was shouting something about an emergency. Rating: Unimportant. He was carrying an unconscious form. Closer inspection revealed it was none other than Little Orphan Timmy in a catatonic state. Rating: Extremely Important. "Little Orphan Timmy is in a coma!" shouted Krillin. "Look!" Everyone looked up then, and noticed what was going on for the first time. A hush fell across the room. "That's what I've been screaming about!" Patrick screamed. "Not me. I've been screaming about them burning the end of Fushigi Yuugi," said Adam as he dropped another anvil on Jeff. "This isn't supposed to happen to me." "I've been screaming in pain," Jeff said as he passed out. "He's got no vital signs!" Patrick continued screaming. "We need something really special." Krillin reached into the special bag in which he carried all the tapes he brought to anime night. As he pulled out a tape, this one giving off a bright yellow light, fireworks went off throughout the room. "Oops, wrong tape." "My store!" cried Stan. He threw it away, then pulled out another tape that gave off a bright purple light the color of Shampoo's hair. Suddenly land mines went off throughout the room. "Wrong again." "My store!" cried Stan. He discarded this tape too, then pulled out another giving off a light the color of nasal mucus causing a bunch of female lingerie to go off throughout the room. "Heh... heh... oops." "My underwear!" cried Caroline as she crushed a couple of random people around her, including Adam and Ivan, in an attempt to protect her lingerie. "My store!" cried Stan. The other people in the room began scrambling for the underwear, causing Caroline to retreat and hide behind Patrick, until she realized where she was. She then went and hid behind the store counter. It just so happened the counter was doubling as a clear display case. "Damn," she said. "This should work," Krillin said. "That bag must be bottomless. I wish I had a bag like that," thought Patrick. Krillin pulled one more tape out of his bag, this one giving off a golden light. Nothing went off and the crowd fell silent. "I present... Maho Tsukai Tai!" "Which means?" asked a newly conscious Jeff. "Literally it means Magical Skip Hop... but in truth it is the Magic Club!" The group went gasped in awe again. Krillin popped the tape in the V.C.R. and Patrick propped Poor Timmy in a seat in front of the television. "Okay, everyone. I'm going to run off for about an hour. I've left a few more tapes laying around the room, so watch those until I get back." With that Krillin disappeared in a puff of smoke, leaving the store. Nobody noticed, though. They engrossed in the deep and insightful love-comedy-drama unfolding before them. Ten minutes later... "I love that bear. Whats his name again?" asked Patrick. Caroline replied, "I think its Jeff-kun." At the same time, Adam and Ivan poked Jeff. "Jeff-kun?" "Its not me!" Twenty minutes later... "Hey has anybody checked to see if Poor Timmy is still alive?" "Does any body know what time it is? Does anybody really care?" "Don't worry, he's got a pulse. And a hard on the size of that dancing bear." "Jeff-kun?" asked Patrick. "Its not me!" Thirty minutes later... "That was a cool show." "Should we watch the next episode?" "We do have that one episode a night limit." "Any objections?" "Stan like City Hunter." "Hold on a second, I want to go buy something." "Okay." "That was really neat. Especially that dancing bear." "Jeff-kun?" "Its not me!!!!" "Hey guys? There is a large humanoid thingy in the front growling the word "otaku" over and over again. It doesn't have any skin but it has these big claw things growing out of it. Anyway, it might get violent soon. Anybody have any ideas on what to do? I don't think it is friendly... aghh!" Suddenly a large claw thing thrust through Caroline's abdomen, getting blood on the manga right next to her. "Caroline!" cried Patrick. "My merchandise!" cried Stan. Caroline's limp body was thrown across the room onto a pile of posters featuring the infamous Hitoriki Battousai. Where she had been a large humanoid monster with big claws and no skin stood. It was growling the word "otaku" repeatedly and making what could be interpreted as unfriendly gestures. "You're doing this just to make me mad, aren't you?" Stan asked the giant skinless monster. "Blerrsku...piiiiiin......fuu....." the creature drooled in reply as it chose to smash through the wall instead of walking through the doorway that lead conveniently from the main store area to the back room. "That's a brand new wall. Okay. Now I am really mad." Stan ran to the wall and picked up some Evangelion key chains. "Hey, Jeff. Wake up!" Jeff looked away from the t.v. screen and saw what was going on. "Wow. That's not what I expected. Hey, cool costume Krillin!" "Jeff you idiot," Adam said. "That's not Krillin. That's a giant skinless clawed monster." "Well, how can you tell?" "It just killed Caroline and smashed through a wall!" Adam said. "Where's everyone else? Didn't they want to watch the Magic Club closing song? Its really neat." "They all ran away. Bah! They are no fans! They are no fans!" Patrick cried. "Their love is weak while ours is strong! Even in the face of evil, we continue the sacred viewing." "Hey Adam. I've got an idea. Lets run away and let the manager deal with this," Ivan suggested. "I like it," Patrick added. "Lets do it." The three turned and sprinted into the back room as Stan leapt into combat with the creature. "Guess I might as well follow them," Jeff thought as he sprinted in blind terror behind them. Behind the back room they found a short hallway with two doors. "The one on the left is the bathroom. We don't want to go in there," said Ivan. "The one on the right I've never seen before. But that sticker on it says its the Back Parking Lot Exit." They ran trough the right door, failing to notice that as they did so they were running through a portal to a dimension far away. The solar winds whistled through his body as he moved. Around him he could he see the universe; a plane of existence living, breathing, and watching girls in magical sailor suits fight evil. A never ending landscape of suns, moons, and planets surrounded him and as he sailed through the void that was not empty, he saw galaxies born and stars playing freeze tag on the vast interstellar summer meadow of space. This was reality. This was the home he'd always known. Then there was a bright light. It reminded him of when he slept late on the weekends and the sun had already risen and was shining through his window so that when he woke up and opened his delicate eyes to a brand new morning he was struck blind for those first few minutes of consciousness. Very similar indeed, except that this light was a sort of divine mega-cosmic version. As he expected, his vision failed for a few moments. All went white, then black, then an odd fuchsia color. The colors began to dance and twirl in ways that seemed familiar yet new. "Wait, I must either be going through hyperspace or preparing for a vast cosmic revelation. This is how they always animate those things." He relaxed and let whatever was going on go on. The colors reversed themselves and then faded, even the bright light began to recede. He looked around him and let out a gasp of awe. Where there had once been a his one universe, he could now see a huge sphere of universes or universi. He was unaware of the correct pluralization. These spread out far beyond the limits of his vision and each was set at a different angle, like the spokes on his bicycle were before he went through his "I-Want-To-Be-An-Inventor" phase so many years ago. They all shone, each with a different light. Some were golden, others silver, still others a sort of luminescent purple. They all converged at one point and from that point he could see that light that had blinded him before. Around that one point all the spokes were rotating as if some vast cosmic bicyclist was pedaling in an eternal marathon. Then everything went black again and instead of a pleasant sensation of floating, he felt a terrifying feeling of falling which didn't end until he slammed head first into the ground. Patrick pulled himself from the dirt floor and tried to dust off his clothes to no avail. Looking around, he discovered that he was in a cave dimly lit by a source he couldn't identify. The walls were a deep rich blue, well toned and freshly inked. They were also covered in frost, as was the ground, the stalactites, the three bodies of his friends crumpled on the floor, and himself. He began checking himself to make sure all of his special mementos were still in his pockets. He couldn't place it, but something went amiss. "Jesus, its cold," Jeff said as he pulled himself from the ground. "Hey Patrick. Have you seen any place we could get something to eat?" Patrick shook his head. "Nope. Just recently regained consciousness myself." "Great. Cold and starving." Ivan was the next to wake up. He cleaned his glasses and looked around the cave. "Its cold. I should have brought a coat. Hey Adam. Go get me a coat." He kicked the final figure laying on the ground. "Go get your own," the figure mumbled as he stood up. "Oh damn. I forgot to give Krillin the tapes for Bakaretsu Hunters." Ivan cleaned his glasses again since they had already fogged over and said, "I think he's stopped distributing them, since ADV picked up the t.v. series." "Nah. ADV is always slow to release stuff, plus its his favorite series. But I was hoping to get a copy before school ended. We were going to watch it in Physics class." "Physics?" Jeff asked. "Yup. Part of the final was going to be based on the physics of Chocolate's change in breast size when in her battle umm.... suit." "I wish I had your physics teacher. Mine just keeps telling us he's an alien." "Hey guys. Does anybody happen to know where we are?" Patrick asked. "We're in a cave," said Adam. "I can see that. I meant something a little more specific." "We are in a cold cave. With blue walls," Ivan suggested. "I'm not cold. See I planned ahead and wore a jacket. But that's not the point. AGH! You all are hopeless!" "You know, you really need to calm down and go with the flow when these things happen," said Jeff. "Yeah. Just repeat to yourself, 'What would City Hunter do? What would City Hunter do?" "Good idea, Adam!" Patrick's sarcasm went largely unnoticed. "Okay. I'm going to walk in the one direction we have to walk in, which is that way. I really would appreciate it very much if everybody followed." He pointed into the glowing blue darkness. "See? That way." "But why?" "Because Jeff is hungry, Ivan is cold, you need to give tapes to Krillin and I lost my picture of Ruri-Chan!" Patrick screamed starting to lose his temper. When he grabbed Adam and began pummeling him violently with a hardened piece of a Butterfinger bar he had found in his pocket, Ivan said, "I think it is safe to say Patrick has lost his temper." "I think he's taking losing the picture remarkably well, come to think of it. You'd think she was his soulmate from the way he guards it," Jeff said. "SHE IS MY SOULMATE!" A hairy visage of rage formerly known as Patrick turned on a hapless Jeff. "I feel your pain Patrick. Calm down. Friend, Patrick. Friend. Calm. Peace." Adam grabbed the gibbering maniac from behind and held him pinioned until he started breathing normally again. "I feel good," Patrick said as he leaned against a wall. Ivan said, "That was really cool. Just like the berserker from Lodoss." "Really. I might be an anime hero yet," he said wistfully. "Its something we all dream of," Adam said. "A dream calling tomorrow," Ivan added. The three sighed as one and spoke. "Something we desire." "Not me, I'm just hungry." "Shut up Jeff. We're having a dream filled sentimental moment." "Wait!" Adam exclaimed, leaping up. "We are in a cave, ne?" "Hai!" all four cried in unison. "We formerly were at the Anime Parthenon, ne?" "Hai!" the four cried in unison again. "We all experienced a vision of naked dancing girls telling us of some great destiny laid out before us, ne?" "Hai!" cried three voices in unison. "Well, actually, I had a deep cosmic revelation about the nature of reality and the way all the various universes, or universi- I'm not sure which- interconnect." "Oh, sorry." "I never get visions of naked dancing girls." "Poor Patrick. Anyway, now we are all here with only one path laid open before us. A path that leads into the cold blue glowing darkness over there, ne?" "Hai!" they yelled together. "Well then we have no option! We were obviously moved here for some reason as opposed to some random quirk of interdimensional fate, so lets go meet are destiny and maybe even pick up some special powers in the process." "All right." And so the four bravely journeyed into the darkness. Adam bravely led the way, with Patrick and Ivan a mere step behind, and cringing in the shadows, Jeff tried to avoid making his presence known. Then everything faded to black as a commercial break began. <<<< COMMERCIAL BREAK >>>> Adam runs across the scene chasing Patrick with a sword while Ivan and Jeff sit on a couch behind them drinking spritzers. "Are you tired? Hungry? Alone? Does every morning seem like a chore and every night like a long dark wait for sunrise? Does everything you do turn out wrong? Does life just seem not worth living? Well, we believe we might have something that can help. Dial the toll free number shown at the end of the commercial to talk to one of our specialists about what JASHID can do for you. One of our qualified operators will listen to your list of problems and after laughing at you, will help set you up with the JASHID plan that is right for you. So remember, JASHID, to cure make various unspecified problems better." A phone number at the bottom of the screen is 1-55-463-3377. "Hi. I'm Christopher Bench, the voice of Adam in the popular t.v. show Kawaikune Team Fighters, and I'm here to tell you about one of my favorite things in the world. Yes, you probably guessed it. Key-chains. And now, in the proud tradition of all the wonderful key-chains of the world, S&M Toys brings you the Kawaikune Team Fighters Key-Chain Collection Series One. Here's me holding a sword in a heroic stance. This is one is Patrick searching frantically through his pockets. Sort of reminds of episode 27 when he lost the Key of Gendo in that big jacket of his. Ivan, wearing that Trenchcoat of Power, holding his shotgun and looking dangerous. And one of my personal favorites, Jeff- Kun peeking up the skirts of a Minmei doll. So hurry to your local anime store and buy one today. Tell the world that you, too, are a Kawaikune Team Fighter. The KTF Key-Chain Series One. Only from S&M Toys. Choose S&M for Something More." Patrick with big claws and hair turned into tentacles chases Adam across the screen to the other side as Jeff and Ivan play Jun-Ken-Po. Jeff wins with a rock to Ivan's scissors, but loses in the end when Ivan crushes him over the head with a mallet. <<<< END COMMERCIAL BREAK >>>> Howdy folks. This is your friendly neighborhood narrator, Mr. Universe, with the scorecard for today's episode. Do you have a favorite member of the cast? Maybe that adorable dancing bear? Lets see who's today's high scoring fighter. #1: Adam Throwing Someone Into A Wall "Patrick no Baka!"5 pts. Giving the Evil Eye 3 pts. Pulling Off Special Move: "ALPHA THETA BUDWEISER KEN!" 10 pts. Wearing Anime Merchandise 4 pts. Having a Voice Actor Do a Commercial 4 pts. Total 26 pts. #2: Patrick Noble Intentions "Adam! Pull over!" 3 pts. Praying To An Anime Character 6 pts. Explaining Someone Else's Special Move 4 pts. Having a Cassette of Music Recorded Directly From an Anime Show 5 pts. For Going Into a Berserker Rage Over an Anime Character 6 pts. Total: 24 pts. #3: Ivan Performing A Macho Dance 7 pts. For Putting Anime Over Human Life "Does anybody really care?" 6 pts. Playing Jun-Ken-Po 8 pts. Total: 21 pts. #4: Jeff Drooling Over Anime Characters "You can take its clothes off to... uhh..." 5 pts. Concern For Others 3 pts. Saying a Line Then Passing Out "I've been screaming in pain." 4 pts. Playing Jun-Ken-Po 8 pts. Total: 20 pts. #5: Stan Pulling Off Special Move: "MERCHANDISE WEY-PEN!!!!" 10 pts. Putting Anime Merchandise Above All Else 6 pts. Total: 16 pts. #6: Caroline Retaining an Honorific When Dubbed Into English "Krill-baby?" 4 pts. Running Around Half Naked "My underwear!" 7 pts. Being the Only Female Character and Still Managing To Die 3 pts. Total: 14 pts. #7: The Large Humanoid Thing With No Skin And Large Claws For Killing Innocent People and Causing Property Damage 6 pts. Being a 2-Bit Dumb Monster That Survives an Episode 6 pts. Total: 12 pts. #8: Krillin Glowing In A Peace Causing Way 5 pts. Having A Mysterious Flashback "Ryo..." 4 pts. Total: 9 pts. #9: Little Orphan Timmy Being a Cute Little Boy 2 pts. Total: 2 pts. That about wraps it up for today. Don't forget about the current great Kawaikune Team Fighters contest. At the end of volume one, whoever can identify the most allusions, references, mentions, and guest appearances from other anime and manga hidden inside the beautiful literary package will win a fabuluous prize that is sure to boost your self esteem! So keep those entries rolling in! This has been your faithful narrator, Mr. Universe, signing off. ENDING SONG: Anilove Sung by Christopher Bench, voice of Adam A soft ballad with moving vocal stylings We sit down together not looking at each other We stare blankly into the future For it is written on a screen We try to understand If only we had better subtitles Sometimes its so confusing, you and me But I love you, although I haven't seen everything Still I plan my life around you And the tapes are incoming Because in the end there is only you and me Anime "Hi this is the Eternal Guide #3,425,769: Little Girl. I know you haven't met me yet, but look forward to it in the next episode. I'm cute, so I'll be okay. But in the face of danger what'll happen to our manly heroes?" "Death. Doom. Destruction. They'll never defeat me. BWAHAHAHA!" "Oh, no! Its the evil Dark Lord! And they still haven't even dealt with that giant skinless monster with large claws! Adam, be careful! Wait, what is Patrick doing? He looks even stranger than before! Next episode is The Letter That Spells Death! Fight on, Kawaikune Team Fighters!" "Blerrsku...piiiiiin......fuu....."