Do you ever have people constantly hounding you about your screen name, and where you got it from? Even when it says Nosoup4u? Well, I have a similar dilemma. I can blame it mostly on myself as I picked the name Both311. For one thing, Both in the common sense would make no sense as a screen name, and worsely, I hate the band 311. It means a lot to me, though, and I would like to make clear once and for all the legend, yes I said legend, of BOTH....
It all started on a cool day back in 1995 during the church ski trip. It was my first time skiing, and I had already barfed up a lung and possibly burst a colon, i still havent been to the doctor about that one (although I am certain it was either a colon or a kidney, so i feel no need to worry my insurance company about it) anyways, after about 3 hours on the slopes (which is about 7.3 hours normal people time) I realized that your bladder continues to work even after you strap on the skis. No big deal though, because the lodge was only one freegin' huge hill away. If you aren't associated with the sport of skiing, the term BLACK DIAMOND refers to the closest thing to a concentration camp that most humans will ever expericnece. I had mistakingly looked in the mirror that morning and saw a man, so I thought that I could do it. My good also unexpericed eskimo pie friend, Russell also followed me down. As things go, we ended up grabbing our skis and tucking them under the ski bib, which if you again arent familiar with skiing lingo, the term "bib" refers to any object that cuts off the circulation to any of your vital organs needed to breathe or reproduce. At least I grabbed my skis and slid down on my butt, which in ski lingo is the thing that you can kiss goodbye before you go down, but I can only say what happened to Russell before he screamed, " I think I am the only guy out here who can take skiing with no underwear" at which point i quickened my speed by pushing off of other fallen down skiiers and didnt see Russell again until the bottom.
After all that, we finally get to BOTH. At the bottom, I began to feel the need to go once again, and I needed Russell to take me there. I had a little trouble getting off all my ski attire, actually i had trouble getting off ANY of my ski attire, and so I figured that I would just wear it in the restroom. I had originally thought that skiing was the hardest thing I had done. After skiing on carpet, I changed my mind and apologized promtly to everyone. I finally reached the promised land within a matter of minutes (8.42 hours ski time) and I thrust myself into the stall. Russell thrust himself into the adjacent stall. Well, at least I THOUGHT that Russell had thrust himself into the adjacent stall. Actually, a slightly balding white male with glasses had seated himself beside me. Unaware of the predicament, I proceeded cracking crude jokes about toilets that will not be repeated here. Russell was still in the restroom, and i was laughing so hard that I couldnt tell that he was answering from outside the stall. I couldnt get my ski bib off, so was fumbling around in there and smashing against the wall (which it appeared that someone with a chocaolate brownie had been playing volleyball in with it recently and accidently kept hitting the wall) and made an awful noise.
Here it is..he said "What are you doing in there?" I wanted to say that I was doing the "number one, and the number two" but in my weakend state I just said that I was doing the BOTH. The rest of the story involves the man beside me running out of the stall with his pants unbuttoned into the lobby, a hot air hand dryer, a bunny, and a salad.
Since then BOTH has been immortalized in songs and stories. To this day, I can still look at my screen name and remember the time. As far as 311, i had to make up a number because some moron had already chose the name both. That is what keeps me awake to this day. Someone else knows..........
Craig Ray
