MIKE:
"We're the band that Mrs. Vandersnoot's hired
for the party is who we are!"
BUTLER:
"There must have been some mistake!
We were expecting four gentlemen!"
MIKE:
"Would you accept four ladies who shave?"
BUTLER:
"I can accept anything!!
Wait in here, ladies! Boys with long hair?
Girls who shave?
The world's going to pot! No one knows who's
who these days!!"
PETER:
"Well, with the money I make from this gig,
I'll be able to buy Christmas presents!"
MIKE:
"Oh, don't buy presents like you bought last year!"
PETER:
"By whatever could you mean?"
DAVY:
"What happened to your present, Mike?"
MIKE:
"When I saw what you guys got,
I wouldn't open mine until July!!"
MICKY:
"What was it?"
MIKE:
"Snow skies!"
MRS. VANDERSNOOT:
"Put the luggage in the car, Williams. Ah, here you, Monkees!
Your instructions are on the list,
have a marvelous holiday darlings!"
MRS. VANDERSNOOT:
"What party? You're baby-sitting
for my nephew, Melvin, while I'm on my Christmas
cruise!!"
MIKE:
"Not a chance!"
MICKY:
"Baby-sitting!? Madam, we're musicians!!
We can not give up years of study and involvement!!"
MRS. VANDERSNOOT:
"I'll give one hundred dollars
a piece in advance for ten days!!"
MICKY:
"However, if the price is right..."
MIKE:
"We don't know anything about baby-sitting!!
I mean, those little things take a lot of attention--"
MELVIN:
"All that would be necessary, if I were a child.
But the fact of the matter is, gentlemen, I'm
not!"
MRS. VANDERSNOOT:
"Of course you're not, darling!!
You never were!!"
DAVY:
"What is he? The world's youngest midget?"
MELVIN:
"Isn't it the hype of conformity for
both of you to play the same instrument?"
MIKE:
"Well, no--"
PETER:
"No, we don't, man!"
MIKE:
"Yeah, that's a bass!"
PETER:
"Yeah, it's different!!"
MELVIN:
"Well, personally I don't see how different it could be!"
MIKE:
"This isn't working out you know."
PETER:
"I'd expected more from you, Michael.
Even I could have said that!"
MICKY:
"He's right, it isn't work out at all!"
MIKE:
"That's just a kid, you see!"
PETER:
"Right!!"
MIKE:
"And we've got to treat him like a kid!"
PETER:
"Huh?"
MIKE:
"Hmm? A game!"
PETER:
"A game!"
MIKE:
"We'll play a game!!"
DAVY:
"That's a very good idea! Let's play a game!!"
MIKE:
"Melvin, you're not playing the game, you know!"
MELVIN:
"Let me be Simon!!"
MIKE:
"Sure!! He wants to be Simon! We got him now!!"
MELVIN:
"Simple Simon says what is 180 times 3,
divided by 2, minus 7?"
MIKE:
"Hey, c'mon, wait a minute, man, nobody can
figure that out in their head!!"
MELVIN:
"Oh, no? 263!!"
MICKY:
"Now wait a minute!!"
DAVY:
"What?"
MICKY:
"He's just a little kid, right?"
DAVY:
"Yeah, kid!!"
MICKY:
"We'll use child psychology!"
DAVY:
"Right!! Should I go and beat 'em up!?"
MICKY:
"Right!! No, no, no wait!! We'd better not do that,
no wait. He's a rich kid; what do rich
kids like to do?
We'll take him Christmas shopping!!!"
MICKY:
"Isn't it neat Melvin? Isn't it neat?!? Look at all the decorations!!
How'd you like all the decorations, Melvin, huh?!"
MELVIN:
"I have always felt that if one striped away all tinsel
at Christmas, underneath you'd find nothing but
more tinsel!"
MICKY:
"Right, Melvin!! Would you take my hand?
It gives me the feeling of security!"
DAVY:
"This looks like a nice looking thing, doesn't it?"
SALESLADY:
"Yes, is it for you?"
DAVY:
"Don't be silly, I use it as a -- security blanket!! Peter!!!!"
SALESLADY:
"Where did he come from?!?"
DAVY:
"Left our garage, through the studio gates,
and right on the set here!!"
SALESMAN:
"Which way did he go?!?"
DAVY and
SALESLADY: "He went that way!!!"
PETER: "O-ooh!
Mo-o-an, gro-o-an!!! O-ooh!!"
SALESMAN:
"Okay, for the repairs to the motorcycle,
the cloth, and the broken toys, all together
that comes out to $320!"
MIKE:
"Three hundred and twenty doll -- that's a -- three hundred,
whoo, three hundred and twenty dollars.
Well, that leaves us with $20 a piece guys!"
DAVY:
"Let's go, Mike."
MIKE:
"Yes, Davy."
SALESMAN:
"Whoops!! Plus twenty dollars for the stretcher!!"
MIKE:
"It's a carrying charge, right? Carring charge!"
SALEMAN:
"Very funny! Very funny! You belong in
the movies, or worse yet, television!!"
PETER:
"Uuohhhh!!"
DOCTOR:
"Hmm, he's just shaken up a little bit! He'll be fine!"
DAVY:
"Oh, well, thanks very much, doctor! How much
do we owe you?"
DOCTOR:
"That will be twenty dollars!!"
DAVY:
"Twenty dollars?!?!"
PETER:
"Uunhh!!"
DOCTOR:
"Well, since it's the Christmas holiday,
make it $19.95!!"
DAVY:
"Oh, well, that's a much better deal that is, isn't it?"
MELVIN:
"How can anyone seriously discuss Christmas?"
MIKE:
"What do you mean, how can anybody
seriously discuss Christmas?"
MELVIN:
"Well, what is it? Give me one fact!"
PETER:
"Well, it's on December 25!"
MELVIN:
"Mm-hmm."
PETER:
"And it's full of cheer, and good light,
and good will, and friendship and fellowship--"
MELVIN:
"I said facts, not that sentimental sop that you believe!!
You've been lying to yourself!!"
MIKE:
"Wait a minute!! What do you mean
he's lying to himself?"
MELVIN:
"Well, everyone talks about the Christmas spirit,
but I've never seen it!!"
MIKE:
"Of course you have! You see it all year long!
I mean people walking around and smiling! That's a
Christmas spirit!"
MELVIN:
"A Smile?"
MIKE:
"Yeah, sort of, it's not quite that simple, but
that's basically it! Look, you try it.
Smile, you'll see!"
MELVIN tries to smile
MELVIN:
"Bah! Hum-bug!!"
MIKE:
"What did you say?!"
MELVIN:
"I said, 'Bah! Hum-bug!!'"
MIKE:
"I think you need some lessons on Christmas!!"
PETER:
"Boy, this kid needs some lessons on Christmas!!"
DAVY:
"You're telling me!!"
MIKE:
"Now, Melvin and Micky, these are Christmas trees!
You can tell they're Christmas trees because of they're evergreen branches.
Now the evergreen branches is the symbol of the
well-spring of goodness that bubbles up in man-kind
this
time of the year!! Now, it's a constant
reminder of the golden
rule of doing unto others as you would have--"
MELVIN:
"Before they do unto to you, right?"
MIKE:
"Wrong!! I let that fishy woman have that tree because
it is better to give than to receive! And
besides that, there's
plenty of small trees around, we'll just pick
a small tree, right?"
PETER:
"Wrong!!"
MIKE:
"What do you mean wrong?"
PETER:
"Well, there are no more small trees left!!"
MIKE:
"Well, that's okay! We'll just pick a big tree!!
How much are the big trees?"
DAVY: "Uh,
ten dollars!"
MIKE:
"Won't take the big trees!"
MELVIN:
"Remember, it's better to give than to receive!"
MIKE:
"Yeah, well, with thirty dollars left in the kiddy pot,
it's better not to give that much!! And,
besides that, I have,
as usual, a brillant plan!"
PETER:
"I know why they chop down trees in the old days,
'cause they didn't have enough money to buy them!!"
MIKE:
"Yeah, maybe you guys better go buy a tree."
PETER:
"Right, okay, we'll buy a tree!"
DAVY:
"Bye!"
PETER:
"Bye!"
MICKY:
"Mike! I found some holly and mistle -- mistletoe!
Holly and mistletoe!"
MIKE:
"Holly and mistletoe!!"
MICKY:
"Holly and mistletoe!"
MIKE:
"Hey, oh no, wait!! That's not holly!!"
MICKY:
"That's not holly!"
MIKE:
"No, it's not even mistletoe!"
MICKY:
"It's not even mistletoe!"
MIKE:
"No!!"
MICKY:
"What is it?!"
MIKE:
"It's commonly known as --"
- - - - - - - - - - -
DOCTOR:
"-- poison ivy! However, it's a mild case!"
MIKE:
"Yeah, about twenty dollars worth!"
DOCTOR:
"Exactly!"
MIKE:
"Exactly, always is. Well, that's the last
of the Christmas money I just spent!"
DAVY:
"Oh, Mike, don't worry about that! Let's show
Melvin how to trim the Christmas tree!
C'mon!"
MELVIN:
"You are absolutely ridiculous!"
MIKE:
"What?!"
MELVIN:
"You're killing yourself over something
that doesn't even exist!!"
PETER:
"Michael, he's doing it again!!"
MIKE:
"No, he's not, he's right! If you don't believe
in the spirit of Christmas, then it doesn't exist!"
PETER:
"Well, yeah, I guess you're right, but still, man,
he's only twelve--"
MIKE:
"No way! Somebody wants to keep shooting down a bubble, you can't
keep it up!"
MELVIN:
"And I'm the one who keeps shooting it down!"
MIKE:
"I didn't say a word!"
MELVIN:
"I don't have to take this! I have a
maid and a housekeeper at home!"
MIKE:
"You're right you don't have to take it!
Stay if you want to, and you can go if you want to, too."
MELVIN:
"I'll send for my bags later!"
DAVY:
"You know, I don't understand it! We gave
him everything, presents, games, a tree!"
MIKE:
"Especially at a time like this! A time of peace
and love for your fellow man!"
PETER:
"Yeah!"
MIKE:
"Love ... hey fellas?"
MICKY:
"How come I'm all clean and you're all dirty?!"
DAVY:
"Don't you mean, how come you're all dirty and I'm all clean?"
MICKY:
"Yeah?!!"
DAVY:
"Well, you see, you're always on about me
being li'le teeny tiny weeny li'le David, you
see!"
MICKY:
"Right!"
DAVY:
"So, I figured I'd come down the middle of
the chimney and to avoid the sides, you see!!"
MICKY:
"Ooh, right!!" |
No Christmas spirit was intentionally harmed during the making of the film! Happy Holidays!!
