Tonight, Pat Paulsen brings
a special presentation concerning the welfare of mankind. He tells
us we are being invaded by aliens, and they intend to dispose of us.
Used as an example of this brutal act is a footage of a group of young
men (Micky Dolenz, David Jones, and Peter Tork) and their encounter with
extra terrestrials. Send your children out of the room, because what
you will see will astound you to the third degree.
| [In a press conference room somewhere in America...] MIKE: "Ladies and gentlemen, this evening Raybert Productions and Screens Gems, with its usual lack of cooperation from the National Broadcasting Company, is pleased to present this special report from the Department of UFO Information. Ladies and gentlemen, the Secretary of the Department of UFO Information, Mr. Pat Paulsen!" SECRETARY: "I come before these cameras tonight, to tell you that you and that we, both humans and animals, are not alone! At this very moment walking upon the face of our mother earth are aliens from outer space! You may poo-poo this statement, but I must say emphatically, don't poo-poo it! Day-by-day there is increasing evidence of the alienation of our planet. Many of us blame our leaders, many of our leaders blame us, but the truth lies as always beyond our reach! We are being attacked from outer space!" [At a groovy pad in Malibu, California...] DAVY: "Hey, guys, we better hurry up. We've got to start practicing!" PETER: "Keep your shirt on!" MICKY: "Yeah, keep your shirt on!" [*POOF* MICKY's shirt disappears right off his back.] MICKY: "I'd better keep my shirt on! What happened?!?" DAVY: "Hey, look, you want to know something? You want to go to the gig unprepared?" MICKY: "Oh, no, not me! I wouldn't let them catch us with our pants down!" [*POOF* MICKY's pants disappears.] MICKY: "Gone, maybe, but not down!" DAVY: "Micky, I thought you were puttin' your clothes on!" MICKY: "Yeah, I did put my clothes on, but my clothes took off! Could it be that my clothes are puttin' ME on?" - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - SECRETARY: "Startling, startling, piece of film fully illustrates my point! Is this young man the world's fastest exhibitionist? Or is it the work of an overly amorous teenybopper? Or is what has happened to him beyond his control? Certainly, if the intent was to be humorous, it would have been funnier than that, unless it was a tv show! No, this was a direct assault from the cosmos! He was under control of aliens!" SECRETARY: "Let us take a closer look at what has happened to this young man." - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - PETER: "Micky, if it wasn't attached to your body, you'd lose your head!" MICKY: "Don't listen to him, head! Stay there! He's only kidding, head!" I admit it's kinda strange! Stuff can't just disappear, can it?" [One of MICKY's tom-toms disappears in thin air.] MICKY: "Ah, did you guys see, ah, see one of my tom-toms?" DAVY: "No!" PETER: "No!" MICKY: "You didn't see--" PETER: "No!" MICKY: "It's gone! I was right! It disappeared! My stuff's been disappearing! I was right!" - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - SECRETARY: "You now see the beginnings of confusion. It's a seed sown in our most fertile ground, our youth! This poor American teenage billionaire deeply troubled by the problems of growing up, the vague longings and awakenings of his body, and the long, vague awakenings of his mind-- we all go through that! Twisted by a mechanistic world that moves faster than the speed of sound, tormented by a war he must fight in a country thousands of miles away, surely simple problems such as these could not cause such confusion. He is obviously affected by aliens from outer space!!" [Meanwhile in a spaceship somewhere in our solar system.] ASSISTANT: "We'd better initiate Plan D!" CAPTAIN: "What is Plan D?" ASSISTANT: "Disposal of Earthlings though the various means of destruction at our command!!" SECRETARY: "Suddenly the young man finds himself in a strange environment, drawn by the lights, the ear shattering music, and the strangely painted ritualistic dancers, all of the good, solid, decent things that to him mean security and home. To ease his confidence, they small talk the same way as we do!" - - - - - - - - - - - - - - CAPTAIN: "Zlotnik welcomes you!" MICKY: "I welcome Zlotnik! Who's Zlotnik? Have you seen my tom-tom?" CAPTAIN (to ASSISTANT): "He's suspicious! These earthlings are not as dumb as we thought!" MICKY: "Hey, you've got a groovy pad here!" ASSISTANT: "'Groovy Pad', term meaning alien spaceship abduct marked for destruction!" MICKY: "You know, if I didn't know any better, I'd swear this was an alien spaceship!" [Awhile later, back on Earth...] SECRETARY (V.O.): "As you can see the alien robot looks and acts by enlarge [human]..." PETER: "There's Micky!" DAVY: "There's Micky, there's Micky!" SECRETARY (V.O.): "... and it's friendly." PETER: "Look, Micky, we've been lookin' everywhere for you, man!" MICKYBOT: "Hi, guys, I just got here!" SECRETARY: "However, it often has a small physical flaw, and in this case, its feet are backwards. His friends notices, but lets it go." DAVY: "You know I have a funny feeling there's something different about Micky!" PETER: "I'd felt that way for years!" SECRETARY: "Recognizing a space alien, never give anyone a benefit of a doubt, especially your friends. Recognizing an alien is no easy task! They have all the human qualities, greed, anger, hate, so I'm not saying they're all bad!" MICKY: "Hey, Micky, isn't that a spaceship over there?" SECRETARY (V.O.): "Notice the powerfully persuasive argument of the space alien." MICKYBOT: "What does a spaceship look like?" DAVY: "Well, I don't know, I never saw one before!" MICKYBOT: "Well, then, how do you know it's a spaceship?" PETER: "He's right, man! Probably, some new drive-in!" Guitar music in background. SECRETARY: "The only way you can recognize an alien is to take note of strange behavior. Take some notes on this next scene." MICKYBOT: "Hello, Zlotnik? I am here at enemy head-headquarters. They have harmonic destructors here, like we do on Zlotnick and when they use them, they emit terrible, and--augh--horribile sounds!! They have unsufferable tortures here on Earth. Whenever a pussycat cries, they tear off its head, and they holler in its ears, and they put the head back on the body, I don't know how it stays alive!! And--and--" DAVY: "Micky? Micky? Who were you talking to just then?" MICKYBOT: "No one!" DAVY: "Well, you're actin' very strange, you know!" MICKYBOT: "I'm not acting strange, I'm acting perfectly normal, there's nothing strange about me!" [Phone ringing in the background. DAVY plans to answer it.]. MICKYBOT: "Don't tear off that cat's head again, I can't stand it!" PETER: "Cat's head??" DAVY: "Micky, Micky, are you sure everything's okay?" MICKYBOT: "Of course, everything's okay, David! What makes you think anything was wrong? Just make sure you feed it!" PETER: "Feed it? Feed it?" DAVY: "Feed it, yes! We'll give it some milk! Milk, right!" PETER: "Right, we'll get milk!" [DAVY and PETER go to the refrigerator.] MICKYBOT: "Don't touch her!!" DAVY: "Aaaahhh!" MICKYBOT: "Take your hands off of her!" PETER: "Ah, sure, sure, sure, Mick! I'll get some milk from the lamp!" DAVY: "I'll go and help him!" MICKYBOT (to the fridge): "Hi, baby! How are you? What's a girl like you doing in a place like this? No, not you, chief! I'm talkin' to this beautiful Zlotnik girl here on Earth! She's quite a dish! I can't take you away from all this, honey!" DAVY: "Micky, Micky, are you sure you're all right?" MICKYBOT: "Of course, I'm all right, why do you ask?" DAVY: "Well, you were kissin' the refrigerator, you know!" PETER: "You have to admit that's pretty strange!" MICKYBOT: "Hmm, you're right, she wears too much make-up!" SECRETARY (V.O.): "Often the attempts to destroy those who are suspicious of the alien are thwarted. But even though the alien may have a big thwart on his attempt, he will try again and again to carry out his orders using increasingly more subtle means!" [MICKYBOT hands DAVY and PETER dynamite sticks with fuses on them.] DAVY: "Oh. Micky? What you doin'?" MICKYBOT: "I am goin' to dispose of all of you!" PETER: "Oh, that's good 'cause for a minute I thought he's trying to get rid of us!" DAVY and PETER (scared): "Ooohhh!!" DAVY: "Let's check the list! Ready? Silly grin! Slouchy shoulders!" PETER: "Total lack of muscles!" DAVY: "Knobbly knees!" PETER: "Feet on backwards!" DAVY: "Feet on--" PETER: "Feet on back--?" DAVY: "Feet on back--?" PETER: "His feet are on backwards!" MICKYBOT: "NO! My feet aren't on backwards!! Yours ARE!!" - - - - - - - - - - - - - SECRETARY: "'My feet aren't on backwards, yours are!' The arrogance! Casting a spruge on the feet that God gave us! Is nothing sacred to these aliens?" DAVY: "I've called this meeting because we've got a serious problem! Either one of our ranks has his feet on backwards, or he's not one of our ranks!" [PETER goes and tries to turn the feet around.] MICKYBOT: "MNAAaahhnnm! MmNnAAaahhhnmmhm! Mmmnnaahhnmmhm! That hurt!!" PETER: "He's not one of our ranks!" [Meanwhile at UFO Headquarters.] DAVY: "Well, you see we saw this spaceship on the beach--" CHIEF: "This could be serious!" CHIEF takes off calvary hat, puts on helmet, and gives PETER and DAVY helmets. CHIEF: "Was there a sign on the beach that said 'No spaceships allowed'?" PETER: "No, there wasn't!" DAVY: "What did he say?" PETER: "NO, THERE WASN"T!" DAVY: "Oh!" CHIEF: This is not as serious as I thought! It's a Martian! [to PETER with backwards helmet] Spaceman, what are you doin' in this strange land??" DAVY: No, it's not his head on backwards, it's his feet that are on backwards!" CHIEF: "Now, what made you think that you saw a space alien?" DAVY: "Well, they had their feet on backwards, you see! Their feet were on backwards going that way!" CHIEF: "That's perposterous! People think most times that they see things that they don't really see at all! No, it's a figment of the--" [The subordinate to CHIEF, and DAVY and PETER hold down the CHIEF because of the backwards boots under the desk.] CHIEF: "What? What are you doing? What are you DOING?!??!" PETER: "Quiet, you dirty space alien!!" DAVY: "Our last hope is to get some information out of him!" SECRETARY (V.O): Watch the brave way in which these lads outwitted the alien!" DAVY: "Now, where's the real Micky?" MICKYBOT: "I won't talk!" PETER: "What are you doin' on Earth?" MICKBOT: "I won't talk!" DAVY: "Now, where's the real Micky, and what you're doin' on Earth, and now don't say 'I won't talk!'" [MICKYBOT breaks down and blows a few fuses] DAVY: "He's a robot or he's been eatin' tv tubes! He's a robot, and all those people on that spaceship are robots too!" PETER: "Yeah, but how do you get a robot to talk?" DAVY: "Well, we could operate, and maybe by switching the wires, we could find the real Micky!" PETER: "What if it doesn't work?" DAVY: "Well, we'll have a pretty groovy portable radio!!" [DAVY is wearing a welder's mask and MICKYBOT is spread out on the table with his chest plate open.] DAVY: "Okay, now you tell me which wire connects to your truth tube, or else I'll squirt you again!" MICKYBOT: "I think it is this one!" DAVY makes adjustments on the "truth tube". DAVY: "Okay!" MICKYBOT: "I am mankind's friend, tender, kind and loving, truthful to the end! This is a recording! [MICKYBOT ends recording] That must have been my poetry tube!" DAVY: "Okay, now this is the last tube!" MICKYBOT: "Micky is in the spaceship, they are questioning him before we invade!" PETER: "Oh, well, they won't find out that much from Micky!" MICKYBOT: "Why not?" PETER: "Well, he doesn't know too much!" MICKYBOT: "I am sorry guys, but I am programmed to automatically warn them and help them fight!" MICKY: "Well, that's okay! Listen, I would have done the same thing if I were in your shoes-- ah, your place!!" |