Dialogue Index


Your Friendly Neighborhood Kidnappers
Trump-"Don't you want to be famous the idol of millions?"
Davy-"No we just want to be revered by a small minority."
Trump-"A small minority?"
Micky(ala Harpo Marx)-"Small minority, small minority, ha-ha!
Like a tribe of African pygmies, get it, pygmies, ha!"


Success Story
Telegram man-"All right which one of these bums gets 
     this telegram?"
Mike-"Ohoohoo, fellows I would like you to meet the general."
Micky-"Attention!"
TM-"I ain't no general!"
Micky-"At ease!"
TM-"What's the matter doesn't he say anything?
Mike-"No that's Mr. Schneider.  He's our advisor."
TM-"Which one of you guys is Davy Jones?"
All Four-"I am!"
TM-"I've got a wire collect."
All Four-"He is!"
Davy-"I'll take it!"
DM-"Uh uh, a buck eighty!"
Mike-"Well, Mr. Schneider will pay for it because 
     he's the only one, uh, working!"
TM(to Schneider)-"Well, what do you say?"


Davy-"Micky, as my chauffer how would you help a 
     lady into the back seat of a car?"
Micky-"As quick as I can!"
Davy-"Mike, as my personal chef what will be 
     your three main dishes?"
Mike-"Well, ah we'll start off with, with a vichy swatz and 
     we'll move unto a, a, a chateu brignet, 
     and then we go into chocolate mouse!"
Davy-"You can't cook those dishes!"
Mike-"Yeah, I know.  I can't say 'em either."
Davy-"Peter, as my devoted houseboy what 
     will be your main functions?"
Peter-"I am born to serve my master, and live only 
     to perfom his bidding!"
Davy-"Right, now get me my comb."
Peter-"Get it yourself!"


Monkees in the Ring
Mike-"Yeah besides you don't know anything 'bout boxing."
Peter-"Yeah."
Davy-"That's not so.  I used to be quite a scrap at school you know.
      There was this one big bully always used to be picking on me.
      So one day I went whamoo with the right an' whamoo with the left."
Mike-"Wha-what happened?"
Davy-"She never bothered me again."



Card Carrying Red Shoes
Micky(calmly)-"Now, now look miss.  You know guns
    never really solve anything. 
    They're not the solution to the problem, they're only a 
    coward's way out.  Wouldn't you rather talk, talk 
    it over instead of hiding behind a gun.  
    Now, why don't you give it to me?
(Natasha gives Micky the gun)
   " Alright, hands up!  You're taking orders from me!(Davy cries)
    Not you ding-a-ling!"
Peter-"You can't do this Micky!"
Micky-"Shut up, Face!  You're going to walk down 
    Primrose Lane with Babuska here while Jones and I
    are going to walk The Last Mile, The Road of No Return, 
    The Last Goodbye!"
Davy-"Yeah, the primrose, and the lane 
    and the--what, what is all this stuff?"
Micky-I have no idea.(to camera)  Not bad for 
    a long-haired weirdo, huh America?"


Ambassador-"Are you from the MKVD?"
Davy-"No, we're from the BVD."
Ambassador-"I've never heard of the BVD."
Davy-Well, we investigate the MKBVD 'cause we're 
    an undercover organization that undercovers the--"
Micky-"We cover the unders and when we're under the 
    covers the BVD is known as the underwear."


A Coffin Too Frequent
Mike-"Ok, so at 12 o'clock, midnight, magically the coffin
    opens and out pops crazy dead Elmer."
Henry(aimlessly)-"Really."
Mike-"Really?"
Henry-"Oh, I mean ah that is correct.  I'm a scientist and
     in order to bring people back from the dead I have invented
     a magnificant pill."(Shows pill bottle)
Mike-"Oh come on! You invented aspirin?"
Henry-"Oh that's only in disguise!"
Micky-"Aspirin in disguise, I don't believe it!"
Mike-"Well I do, and I also get it.  You see he gives
     us the pill and we believe that Elmer came back from the dead.
     We also see pretty colors, things are climbing up the wall,
     boy I bet it does a lot of things!"
Henry-"I told you I am a scientist!"
Micky-"Mad scientist?"
Henry-"No, but I will be if he keeps making those remarks." 


Monkees On The Wheel
Mike-"We've got to invest this money, guys."
Peter-"Invest it?"
Mike-"Think of something worthwhile."
(Mike, Micky and Davy think of a chick.  Peter thinks of a stuffed tiger.)
Peter(in an english accent)-"You must be joking!"
Davy(to Peter)-"That's my line!"
Peter(e.a.)-"I'm sorry!"
Davy(to Mike)-"You must be joking!"


Micky-"How do you make a capital M?"
Mike-"Capital M, take one line 45 degree angle, 
    90 degree that line, 45 degree angle end line."


(A stranger walks up to Mike and grabs his nose)
Stranger-"Take this Wizard Glick!"
(stranger slaps his nose)
Mike(holding nose)-"Oh ah, gah!....who?"
Stranger-"Wizard Glick!"
Mike-"Man, I'm not Wizard Glick!"
Stranger-"Oh you're not?  Oh sorry."


Monkees in Texas
Black Bart-"Have you had enough, Nesters?"
Mike-"The name is 'Nesmith'.  And if you're goin' to scream
     out here in a middle of a war, get it right!  That's 'Nesmith'...."
Peter-"I thought Mike's name is Nester?"
Mike-"....n-e-c-k-o-r-y-j-g...."
Aunt Kate-"No, no, nester means farmer!
          He's right he means 'nesters'."
Mike-"Oh, oh hey I'm sorry, ah, I didn't realize, you know,
     and it seems you were right in the first place so go 
     ahead with your speech."
Black Bart-"I ain't goin' to quit until I drive
         you off your ranch!"

Mike-"HOld it guys, we gotta stay!"
Other Three-"We gotta stay!.....why?"
Mike-"Why, why well because the man's first obligation
      is to his kinfolk."
OT-"Right!"
Mike-"And because it's better to have a brave death
      than a cowardly life."
OT-"Right!"
Mike-"And besides that, they killed our golf cart."


The Monstrous Monkee Mash
Davy-"After all what has Dracula ever done for you?"
Wolfman-"Arru?"
Davy-"All those pictures you've made together: 
    Dracula Leaves, Dracula Returns.  You know
    you've made over thirty movies 
    with him and you haven't 
    even gotten second billing!"
Wolfman-"Arr, arrr!!"
Davy-"What you need is a good agent; these people
    are exploiting you!"
Wolfman-"Arr, arrr, arrr!"
(Lorelei comes into the dungeon.  Wolfman goes after her.)
Lorelei-"What do you want Wolfman, what do you want?"
Davy-"He wants a better percentage of the profits,
    he wants cookouts on weekends, 
    and he wants to play his own music!"
Wolfman-"Arrr, arrrr!"
Lorelei-"It's a deal!"
(Lorelei shakes hands/paws with The Wolfman.
 Davy smiles happily.)


Monkees Race Again
Mike-"Now hold it, hold it, before this scene goes any further,
    man what is this gun thing?"
Wolfgang-"Well now just a minute, we've got to have
    the gun.  After all it's a prop."
Mike-"That's horrible!"
Peter-"Put that away!"
Mike-"It's bad enough that you're with a uniform and all!"
Peter-"But guns on television and everything,
     It's bad enough we have a tuning fork!"

back home